Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/348547/rainy-day-angst-bigbang-oneshot-top-originalcharacter
1)
Title-5/10
pts
a)
It’s pretty simple title, pretty boring, no particularly
eye-catching, kind of generic
b)
But it isn’t bad. It’s not a crazy or super cliché title,
so that’s good.
c)
It matches with the mood of the story
d)
But there were better things you could have pinpointed.
The fact that it was raining when the accident happened doesn’t affect the
story and doesn’t connect to the reader.
2)
Foreword,
Description, Tags, and Introduction-12/15 pts
a)
You didn’t make an dreadful mistakes
b)
But it didn’t invite me in to read. Because your title
is not interesting, the only thing selling the fic is the description. It got
the point across, didn’t reveal too much, and sounded good, but it wasn’t
enough to make me want to read the fic.
c)
While, yes, the function of the foreword is to just
leave a note or something, I urge you to put maybe a paragraph from the actual
fic so the reader has something else to grasp at. At least try and explain the
mood of the fic or explain your writing style. There are two ways I can take
your writing and it really depends on how you intended it to be.
3)
Basics-29/30
pts
a)
POV: No changes, good.
b)
Font: A little change, but it was Times New Roman so I
don’t mind much.
c)
Structure: This is good too.
d)
Alignment: No changes, good.
e)
Dialogue: Didn’t tell the story, good.
4)
Proper
Grammar-10/10 pts
a)
Yup, you can write English properly.
5)
Character
Development-20/50 pts
a)
Well, you showed me TOP is sad, but you didn’t show me
who TOP is. How does he act outside of his guiltiness and mellowing? You had
the opportunity to include just a paragraph about TOP recording the variety
show and killing the audience with his funny personality.
b)
Showing how TOP struggles with his inner turmoil while
keeping a strong façade for everyone else would have really upped the effect of
his angst.
c)
TOP could be switched out for anyone else and the story
would have been the exact same. The person in your story isn’t TOP, he is just
borrowing his name.
d)
His emotions and reasoning are demonstrated fairly
well, but they were rather lack-luster, as if you were describing the color gray.
6)
Originality
and Predictability-10/35 pts
a)
As nothing really happened…
b)
It did seem kind of cookie-cutter, everything was
obvious. As soon as TOP asked to go to the hospital the entire story is easy to
predict. You didn’t offer anything other than the main part of the idea.
c)
Hospital fics are quite common, especially with that
never-getting-better, about-to-die, and morose situation the loved one is usually
in. This is a very typical hospital fic.
d)
Because it is obvious that TOP is sad because he loves
her and she is hurt and that is all that happens, the story does not spark any
interest. If there had been more to the story that could have perhaps thrown a
twist into their love story that I think they have, it would have been better.
7)
Focus
ad Flow-15/25 pts
a)
Because you intend for your story to be linear, it did
not flow that well. You broke things up that didn’t need to be.
b)
From the very beginning, after telling the driver to
take him to the hospital, TOP could have watched the raindrops on the window
and remembered his lover.
c)
The dream was not incorporated smoothly.
8)
Plot
-20/50 pts
a)
Sticks Plot: TOP is sad and stays sad, watching his
lover.
b)
Understandable: It is easy to understand. I can
summarize it for you. TOP is sad, his lover was in an accident. TOP is sad.
c)
Interesting: No, it wasn’t that interesting. It felt
like I was watching someone roll around in bed and finally get up to pour a cup
of coffee for themselves. With angst fics, you can’t just describe things as simply
as “his face showed fear and grief.” Angst is emotions and confusion and
heartbreak. To really capture the essence of angst, it would have done you
better if you had demonstrated the difference in TOP’s lifestyle with and
without her and showed why he cares for her. More in the note.
9)
Realistic-50/50
pts
a)
I suppose it is, though nothing really happens.
10) Author grew as a writer- 1-5
a)
Invalid as it is a oneshot
11) Readers’ comments- no points
awarded
a)
Invalid as there aren’t any comments
171/275
62%
Here’s
the thing, it’s your first time writing fics (so I believe) and you haven’t
quite grasped what a good angst oneshot needs. A oneshot is the perfect place
for angst because oneshots don’t need all the finer background details and
angst just focuses on emotion. What you did is just focus on the physical
aspect and included no details at all, forget the finer ones. You see it is all
about TOP crying, his lip quivering, and walking and moving, but not about what
he was feeling and why he was feeling
it.
He
is sad because the person he loves is in a coma. Why is he sad? Because he
loves her. Why does he love her? Then it is blank. If I don’t know why he loves
her, I don’t actually know why he is sad, and the entire point of the fic is
lost. The purpose is to express TOP’s agony over seeing his lover suffer, but
all you did was show a man who is waiting anxiously for his lover to wake up.
Oneshots
can be choppy and out of synch, angst ones all the more so, but because you
wrote it in a linear format where you described what was going on one at a
time, you lost the poetic choppy flow and just made it choppy. Really, just
moments of TOP taking a step back from what he was doing and thinking, not in a
thought, but as part of the narration, the flow would have been smoother.
A
full review is not suited for a short oneshot like yours. This type is for
stories with at least a plot that doesn’t focus on exactly one thing. I suppose
I could create a new scale for artful literate fics, but I haven’t yet. Oh
well. You should have asked for a helping review; I would have done a better job
explaining and could offer constructive criticism.
The biggest thing I need to get across is that you need to explain WHY TOP is sad and distraught. Not to infringe on your creative style, but it lacked that necessity to be a TOP fanfic. Without the why, the fic is quite boring as both a oneshot and an angst.
