munjae's ♢ Cheeky Devils ♢

Author: munjae
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/257639/cheeky-devils-comedy-fantasy-friendship-romance-you-exo-exom

Basically you have been reading fanfics since Exo debuted? That explains a lot, actually. You are making a lot of mistakes that most writers make in their first few months of reading and writing, which means you are progressing perfectly.

The more you read fanfics the more you’ll realize that all these graphics and extras that other people put in aren’t necessary at all. You don’t need to put pictures of the characters or list their qualities, just give the readers a taste of the fic. They want to read the fic based off of how well the story is, not how pretty you can make your foreword.

And you might see it in other fics, especially those silly featured ones, but notes about not plagiarizing the fic are unnecessary. It’s already a big rule on AFF and there is no reason to draw attention to it unless your fic has been plagiarized before. While the storyline has been done before, no one is going to doubt you created the story on your own. That’s just a pet peeve of mine though.

Some simple basic rules

1)      No character profiles

2)      Don’t change the alignment of the font or the font itself

3)      Plagiarism/copyright claims aren’t necessary

Congratulations, you have the talent to write! I got this just from the description of the buildings in chapter one. You slipped in and out of past tense, but it was overall written well. I wish you had put that in your foreword instead of your character profiles. The story’s description makes the fic sound very cliché because the storyline can be found in many other fics. This section in the foreword can immediately reverse that notion because it sounds intelligent, well written, and interesting.

Just an extra tip if you are a real try-hard. The old lady that came from under the desk, think about developing her a little more. When she isn’t fazed by JiMin’s scream, is it because it didn’t bother her or is she short of hearing? I want to lean towards the latter so that any loud noises she and the boys make in the apartment can go unheard, for instance, JiMin screaming in chapter 3. You want to think about these little details so that you don’t have too many loopholes.

You also don’t need such large gaps between the end of your chapters and your author’s notes. That forces the reader to scroll more than they want to.

I’m not even an Exo fan and I thought they were adorable when they first met JiMin. Their curiosity of her as a human is… I don’t even know how to describe it, like a kid playing with a small animal for the first time? Your characterization is pretty good, especially since I don’t hate JiMin.

There are some inconsistencies like you said there would be. You’re just going to have to work on including enough details from point A to point B so that it does flow better. For instance, in chapter six the introduction of the bullies is really abrupt. You’re going to have to work on including who these bullies are, how JiMin knows them, and why they dislike her so much.

Chapter three, when JiMin and Exo meet officially, they act very childishly. Their yelling back and forth, especially JiMin, gets very annoying very quickly. Kingsley influenced you? I’ll admit, he makes me chuckle. I laugh because I can hear him in his youtube videos, but in written form, it just comes out stupid. This happens a lot with many things writers include in their stories. They see something in a drama or on TV or even in real life and they try and copy it without realizing that they only thought it was good because of the visuals telling them it is realistic. For instance, if you watched a drama about a girl dressing up and going to an all male school, you can believe it. Reading about it sounds wrong and makes you question what this bullshit is.

You shouldn’t let these things influence your writing too much, try and stick to one form of writing. Chapter 1 was really descriptive and Chapter 3 is full of skips and wackiness. I think you should have gone more into how adorable Exo are as demons. JiMin’s reaction didn’t have to be so exaggerated, maybe more overwhelmed with the demons popping out of nowhere.

I know all of Exo-M’s names, Exo-K, that’s a work in progress. I know their faces, some of their personalities, traits, and body types, but it was still hard for me to distinguish between who was who. It was frustrating that you introduced them in chapter 5. I would rather you had made the first few chapters longer so that the introduction came sooner. Exo is a group with growing popularity, which means that are consistently gaining new fans that don’t really know them that well and this will trouble them.

Not even going to talk about chapter 7. I just hope that JiMin teaches them how to act more human in the near future.

One last thing. You don’t need to put symbols in your title, it’s already eye-catching. If you really think it’s not good enough, your description should help pull in readers too. That’s why you really need to make both sound good.

Final Analysis: Based off of your foreword and description I would not have read your fic, but the actual story is so cute that I am considering reading more.

It’s great that you can update every day, but your updates are short. Instead of updating so often, you should really take the time to really focus on the details of your story. Your plot isn’t developed enough. I recommend that one of these evil forces try and attack JiMin soon so you can go deeper with this story. That will really make this fic your own and not as similar to other stories. Definitely continue this school thing and interacting with Exo as demons and not humans.

Considering you have only been writing for a few weeks, and only reading for a few months, you have done incredibly well. Your story is interesting and your only mistakes were those three little ones I listed above. Just gain some more experience and you will do great. 

esteem's Chameleon Mannerism

Author: esteem
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/236258/chameleon-s-mannerism-oneshot-taemin-hurtcomfort

If you want to attract readers, your description really needs to be something that can draw readers in. It has to be more than just one sentence. By looking at your foreword and skimming a little, I can tell that your grammar is slightly off. I’ll revise your prologue so you can see the little mistakes you are making.

The clock's pendulum was swinging; its hands pointed at the numbers four and number twelve. The sky gradually turned into a dark shades of orange, red and honey maple syrups.

Putting down the paper -that which scripted the date, the session's time, the patient's name, and his/her problem- given by the administration staff, I stretched my backs and mentally gave myself a pat for.  I put on my glasses and opened a brand new page of my reports book. 

Today's session had been the most interesting session in the history of working as a psychotherapist.

Your grammar isn’t too off, and it could easily be fixed with a beta reader, another user willing to read your fic and correct your mistakes. Throughout the actual oneshot it wasn’t too noticeable, though.

The timeline and flow of your story is okay, it’s not like it skips around too much. There was never a moment when I thought to myself, “When in the world did this happen?”

The plot is actually wonderful. It’s great in that it is so relatable to readers of all ages. Finding and expressing our true self is one of the struggles that we all face. Kids and teens fitting in with the cliques at school, adults fitting in with their coworkers and neighbors, we all face these challenges. Going with Taemin in this direction was a great idea. It’s been one of my concerns about how Taemin was going to outgrow his sweet and shy image.

You could have elaborated more on the doctor. Male or female, doesn’t really matter, but I would have like to learn a little more about them. Not to the point where the focus of the story goes from Taemin to the doctor, but enough to show how the doctor reacts to Taemin’s dilemma. An experienced doctor wouldn’t see Taemin’s crisis as to severe, almost expected because of his occupation; whereas a less experienced doctor, like I assume this one is, would have a bigger reaction.

The lack of actual dialogue was a nice change and it probably made the oneshot better than if you had made Taemin and the doctor actual speak back and forth.

So right now you’re at that point where you are just brushing the surface. You are giving Taemin’s emotions, but you are not showing them. Show how Taemin conflicted between listening to his company’s demands and finding his true self. Because it is something so relatable, you need to dive in more. I can picture it right now, a moment where Taemin wants to tease his Hyungs but he’s been told he just needs to smile and look pretty.

All in all, you made a great connection between finding oneself and a chameleon changing color. It was a very smart idea, and that last sentence was a really inspiring ending.

If I had to give this a grade it’d be an A. 

Sone19's "I'm Better!"

Author: Sone19
Link:http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/229982/i-m-better-jonghyun-key-minho-onew-shinee-taemin-minhoxoc

As much as color is pretty, do not change the font color of your text. The change the font itself, and also don’t change the size. More experienced readers and writers hate to see that. It makes them feel like you spent more time decorating your story than you did writing it. I’ve heard complaints of people getting headaches and nausea and also not being able to read text because they’re colorblind, so just try and keep it black.

Now for the photos, you chose good pictures, but they aren’t necessary. The readers know who Minho and Jonghyun are, and it doesn’t matter to know what Alice and her friend look like. Instead of using photos to show their looks, you should take your time to describe them in the fic. It shows off your talent as a writer to be able to make the readers properly imagine the characters.

Do not list the character’s traits like you’ve done in the description. You do this in the actual fic and build up their character. How you include these traits and how you make them important and embellish on them affects the overall quality of your fic. This is once again to highlight your skills as a writer and show that you can create a person and actual show them off in the fic.

All together, I didn’t even read your description or foreword other than that small info at the top. The character profile was pointless and the foreword was too cluttered. When you have multiple persons speaking, separate their speeches, even if it makes the foreword longer, separate them. Remember, the foreword is where you want to prove to the readers that you can do more than produce fangirl babble. It showed the traits of the characters and set up the story, but it wasn’t written well. Clean it up a bit, elaborate more on this defining moment, and it’d be fine.

Topping off of chapter 1, don’t say whose POV it is. It can be Billy Bob Joe’s POV and I don’t want to be told it’s Billy Bob Joe’s. It’s your job as the writer to be able to portray who is narrating without having to point it out directly. That’s the same with flashbacks and location changes, these don’t need to be pointed out, and you need to ease into it for the readers.

For things like a story or a paper for school, unless it is long, always write out the numbers. You have 2 instead of two. Even with time. Other grammatical errors are “sense” instead of “since” and whatnot, these could easily be fixed with some proofreading and editing. Maybe get a beta or just try and catch them yourself. Don’t abuse your punctuation like exclamations, ellipsis (…), and future abuses that might come. Overusing them causes their effectiveness to go down. Especially those ellipsis, they become meaningless instantly when you use them for every pause. Thinking back, I believe a dash (-) is more appropriate. Finally, avoid writing complete words or sentences in all caps when showing someone is yelling. It makes the scene childish. Just use your descriptive words. Alice yelled threateningly across the hall, anger overcoming logic. Something like that.

Onto the characters. Alice is a bully and is super arrogant. She might be better than Minho at sports, but she doesn’t have to flaunt it, so bitch. It might be what makes her really expressive and outgoing, but she needs a reality check, so bitch. Her actions are over the top and unrealistic and it becomes really cheesy to read. You’ve done a good job at expressing her character, but I personally don’t like her and I’d probably want to kick her in the lady parts if I met her in real life.

To make her likable to people like me, you need to expand on her positive points. Go more into how she is protective of her friend, how she doesn’t back down from a challenge (even though it’s a flaw, her acknowledging it could be seen as a positive point), her need to stand up against bullies and social norms. Also, acknowledge her flaws. Her arrogance and her bratty attitude when it comes to Minho, both of these make her real and could later turn into a weakness which makes her all the more real.

You’re very creative with your insults, and they amuse me.

If you had elaborated more on the section in the foreword, the situation in chapter one would have made more sense. So far, it’s a surface level fic. You need to develop things more, creatively include some background information, describe the surroundings and what everyone else is doing, and have some back thoughts. The idea is interesting, but you’re not focusing on it well enough. You’re throwing the story at the readers and just telling them what is happening from one second to the next.

Chapter two: Don’t change color, don’t change font size, don’t change POVs. Don’t use more than one POV per chapter if you are going to change them. It’s annoying to see them switch around. You might not have done this, but many writers tend to repeat things when the POVs change.

Your story if one big comedy, and if that is what you’re aiming for, you’re on the right track. Everything is so completely unrealistic that I can see a lot of people liking it. It’s not to my taste because I don’t like stories that defy common sense, but it has the potential to be popular. Think things through a bit more and I’m sure reality will start to sink in.

Overall, the story is interesting, but you are making all the beginner mistakes.

TL;DR

1. Don’t change the font, color, or POV

2. Don’t use character profiles, elaborate in the fic

3. Don’t exaggerate the scenes too much, portray them realistically

4. Show the readers that you can write well

5. Develop the storyline, it’s a good one

6. Try and write more, even if you have other fics, just update later if needed

Good luck with your fics, and enjoy it while it's fun!

Renzei27's Does That Answer Your Question

Author: Renzei27
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/228180/does-that-answer-your-question-friendship-oneshot-romance-you-exo-lay-yixing

The Oneshot was very interesting, but you haven’t quite nailed what a Oneshot really is. For a short fic like this it’s better to emphasize the goody details rather than have several underdeveloped events. It’s more like you tried to tell a long story in the space of one chapter, and that has you cutting out some important details and keeping unnecessary fillers.

You should have touched more into how she started giving Lay lessons. During the lessons their actual interactions and conversations would have helped display how their affections for each other were going. What came out instead was “There’s this strange kid, he speaks Chinese, I speak Chinese and English, I’ll teach him English. Oh he is impossible to teach, but his habits are kind of cute. This is the second month of me teaching him and I really like his few habits.”

When writing oneshots over a long period of time, I recommend that you choose specific events that you really want to get across to the reader. What you’ve done is mention these events in one or two sentences, cutting off the significance of these moments. The first elaboration I would have liked to seen was during the second week when she asked him where he was always going. That time could have been used to showcase more of his habits in an actual lesson and her frustrations with his inability to learn.

Another part that should have been developed more is how suspicious it is that he is leaving all the time. When it got to the part where he revealed he is an alien, I was certainly surprised, but not in a good way. You can surprise them with introducing a new concept that goes against what they believe, and then you can surprise them with something totally absurd. It was absurd to me that he was an alien because there was nothing previously mentioned that could have led to that conclusion. If you had done a little bit more to make that stand out instead of having the girl dismiss it as if it was trivial, it would have been cleverer to me.

With their relationship, you do a lot of repeating and summarizing. We as readers should be able to read something and understand the consequences of the actions happening. When she got over her need to hog him, you didn’t need to state that, you could have just shown that by her interacting more with his friends, and maybe even joking around about a future English lesson.

If this was longer, maybe split into one or two more chapters, you probably could have used all you had and really nailed it. With this oneshot, you should have focused your fic on one of two things, either their relationship as friends into lovers, or Lay’s alien status and their transition to lovers, not both. It would have worked either way.

 My Scenario: You were tutoring this strange new transferee when you noticed some weird things about him. These abnormal habits grew on you… It came as a shock to you when you saw him healing the plant. This guy promised to be your friend, but now you’re scared.

“Don’t be afraid, I love you.” Kiss.

“Kiss me again for your answer.”

My Scenario 2: You were tutoring this lonely new transferee, dedicating all your time to him in vain, he really struggled with English. He had these quirky habits when he studied, and soon, the constant exposure to these helped your affections grow for him. As his English got better, he became more social and your place as his friend was threatened. To protect your hurt feelings, you started giving him the cold shoulder. Your absence alerted him, and he confronted you.

“Don’t ignore me, you are my everything.” Kiss.

“Kiss me again for your answer.”

It’s very clear that there are two different stories going on at once. It’s not difficult to keep up with, but it isn’t cohesive. By eliminating one of these factors, you could have really expanded more on those important details.

Now the last section is written the best for a oneshot. It perfectly expresses emotions and sensations without emphasizing the story too much, so it makes me feel things. The last section is also the section that honestly does not need to be in the oneshot whatsoever. Nothing would change if you took it out. It’s probably better to leave your readers hanging in this sense instead of giving them every single piece of information.

If the entire fic had been very detailed, then it would have been important to tie up those loose ends, but seeing as how the oneshot is more of an emotional rollercoaster, it’s better to leave that ambiguous ending from their confessions.

To summarize all of this:

1. Try to elaborate more on certain portions of the oneshot instead of summarizing and explaining. Show, don’t tell.
2. Try to focus on one storyline, or work on incorporating them together
3. Oneshots are either information splurges and twists, or they are emotions and short love stories
4. With ‘you’ fics, do not overuse the words ‘you,’ and ‘your,’ and try not to start too many sentences with “you.”

Your story was creative and it seems that you really thought it out. I can see that you tried hard with making sure that you went over all the stops. Readers could use a little push towards thinking, so don’t be so easy on them! Continue writing and you will grow tremendously as a writer. 

jessicaliana's My Caring Guardians

Author: jessicaliana
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/209290/my-caring-guardians-comedy-friendship-korean-romance-you-exom

Well, looking at the foreword, you are doing a few really silly things. First of all, you don’t need disclaimers saying “I do not own any characters and similar plots are a coincidence. This story is from my imagination, I did not copy from anyone else.” It’s silly and a waste of space. Same for the plagiarizing and copyright part. Your fic is not copyrighted and you don’t own the idea. You especially can’t claim copyright when you don’t own the pictures used.

Also, you are using character profiles. I always say that people shouldn’t use them because the pictures take up a lot of unnecessary space and they reveal too much about the characters, which yours does. You want readers to think you write well, and you can prove that my developing the characters throughout the fic. If you do really want to use the profiles, keep the descriptions to a minimum and resize the photos to be smaller, way smaller.

Try to think less about what makes a good person and go for what makes an interesting and realistic character. Young Mi’s personality seems surface level, really try to dive into those emotions and thoughts properly. The description for the boys, well, it seems just like Exo instead of actually made up people. That’s fine in a band fic, but you’ve taken Exo out of their idol life, throw in your own creative twists.

You should include more about what the story is going to be about or about the process of writing. From the foreword, I’m not really interested in reading the fic. I see you are now entering your second year on AFF, so compare how writing a year ago is to writing now. Or you can write about how you came up with the characters and plot (without revealing too much). If that doesn’t fit your style, then just copy a part from one of the chapters and give the readers a taste of what is too come.

Now onto Chapter 1. In the beginning several of the sentences started with ‘You,’ so work on varying up the word choice. It is a little difficult in ‘you’ fics, but keep at it.

When Young Mi was being bullied you could have done more to make it a point that she has no one there to help her and she faces this regularly alone. When Suho was saying it, his words came out as repetitive. The saying is that Actions speaks more than Words. The whole process of walking into the bookstore again and reading whichever books she wanted could really be embellished. You started to, but you didn’t go all the way through. Their time spent book mending could have also shown the routine they follow and their closeness if you had gone into that more. That being said, do actually describe the actions in detail: full body movements, body directions, habitual movements. Write in the moment.

While you want to add more to those parts, stop having the characters disclose so much when they are speaking. If you had developed the bullying part more Suho wouldn’t have had to ask if she was bullied again, instead he would have just known because he knows her so well. Same with how he calls out her anti-social behavior.

Little side note, when characters are thinking, try using italics instead of asterisk, those little star things (*).

You are doing a good job with keeping track of the character relationships, the social standings, the feelings, and the family history. It’s wonderful that you have all of that planned out and ready for the story, just work on incorporating this information into the story cohesively instead of just telling the readers things. 

xcaandiihearts' Dong Bang Oneshots Review

Author: xcaandiihearts
link http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/21295/dong-bang-oneshots-jaemin-jaesu-minsu-yaoi-yoomin-yoosu-yunjae

Dong Bang Oneshots by xcaandiihearts

His regret: the only really big issue is the use of the song lyrics. Readers usually skip these sections because they don’t really add onto the story. The lyrics in this oneshot were actually very important, but I remember when I first read I didn’t read the lyrics and just used context clues to guess what had happened. You see, when you put lyrics in a fic, you pull the reader out of the story for a moment. Once the lyrics are finished it takes a moment for the reader to get back into it.

There were two really cliché moments. The first was Yunho calling Jaejoong a girl. This exact scene has been done so many times that it is boring. The other is Jaejoong dying in the end. That was obvious.

Do not change the color of anything except lyrics and author’s notes. Many different colors look childish and unprofessional. Even then, I don’t think writing in color is appropriate at all.

Charm Bracelet: You could have gone a little further into Yunho standing out in the rain to play on him being deeply hurt by the separation as well.

Otherwise, it was overall good, even the smut.

Memories: Just a little too “Romeo and Juliet”ish. The method of suicide is the only problem here. Death by self mutilation is actually not that common. Cutters using cutting as a way to relieve themselves of their troubles, not hurt themselves. In the case of suicide, overdosing would have made more sense. For a quick death, shooting oneself, hanging, jumping off a building, even drowning. Cutting was the only one that worked in this situation, I know. I’m sure you could have worked it out somehow.

Bracelet: Running into each other and knocking each other down is overused. So is a terminal illness. Jaejoong’s illness was way too sudden and didn’t fit in with the rest of the oneshot at all.

Happy Valentines~: Smut is smut

Changmin’s Birthday: NEVER CHANGE POVs IN THE MIDDLE OF A CHAPTER! It was okay fluff.

My Sweet Rhapsody: Smut is smut, obsessive fangirls are overused.

Baby, you’re arrested: I thought this one was actually creative.

Nine: Try and find a better way to incorporate these lyrics into the oneshot because often times what happens is the reader sees them and skips them entirely. They do that with one sentence, two sentences, a short stanza, a whole poem. If it is not incorporated into the story itself they ignore it and move on to the story.

Instead, try putting the lines into the actual paragraphs. If you want to make it clear that the phrase is part of the larger poem, put it in italics or another color. Do not change the font though. You can still put the full poem or lyrics at the beginning or end, I encourage that actually, because there will be those that do read it. For those that will skip it, it will come as an amazing realization of what you were doing.

Otherwise, it was okay.

Mirotic: Okay

Stand by U: A lot of your oneshots have similar themes, being in a relationship but not together anymore. Try to change up the storylines a bit more. Even though it is a oneshot, try to include more history and details so that it isn’t so generic. Even though you are trying to make the song fics have the same feel as the song, what readers expect from a song fic is just another story. It doesn’t have to have the same tone as the song, as long as it tells the story.

Ice Cream: It was cute and fluffy, but the part with the ice cream vender loving his sister and having a gay son was a little too much. It could happen, but it takes away from YunJae and the wrongness that the relationship is overcoming is toned down to the point that they seem like a normal couple. Otherwise it was fine.

Not for anyone: This is a perfect example of less is more. There isn’t any unnecessary distracting plot, only Jaejoong caring and Changmin causing Jae to worry. Drabbles like this are the best, they are able to tell a story and leave the reader thinking.

Angelic Halloween: Smut is smut. This is my opinion because I have read a lot of YunJae smut, but when Jae is being slutty and dominating, he needs to be just a bit more demanding, less like a girl and more like a whore in heat. It is just as good on the opposite side of the spectrum, Jaejoong being sort of innocent and fully comfortable in female clothing and really embarrassed. But your smut is really good, are you sure you are only that old?

Of crayons and Unicorns: This is really, really cute fluff, but if you want to surprise readers, make Yunho the unicorn drawer. It is always interesting to give them different characterizations. I’ve read tons of fics with Jaejoong being an absolutely feminine guy, and after awhile it has been done too many times. This was fine though.

Gay for my Dongsaeng: The smut was really good, Jaejoong trying to deny his desires, those are always interesting. Incest was an added bonus. It was kind of unclear about who was topping.  At first I thought Junsu, then maybe Jaejoong, and then oh it was Junsu. Jaejoong acted very immature at times, like with the mentioning of churros. Sex is usually better when you can see the deeper, darker side to it. There can always be that spin on the story if the plot requires it. In this case, it was an incest story, and that is one of those things that readers might not find as acceptable as normal homosexuality, so deeper, more mature thoughts would have been better.

Also, the straight out mentioning of pubic hairs was a major turn off. The hairs brushing up against his ass was okay, Jaejoong saying he waxes but Junsu was hot, that was too far. There are certain things readers prefer not to read about (unless the mood is set right). That is the same as hypothetically saying when Junsu pulled his cock there was shit on it.

Conclusion: Unless I said otherwise, basically everything else was very good. There weren’t any moments where I screamed about the impossibilities of something happening or got irritated with your grammar. Don’t change the color or the font, you’ll be fine.

 There was the occasional “I’ve read this a couple of times before,” but there are so many YunJae fanfics out there, it is inevitable. There are certain themes I’ve noticed in Jaejoong paired fics. In YunJae there is always a big struggle and conflict, but they usually end up together and in love. Jaejoong is either characterized as either very diva-like, studious and poor, or feminine. YunJae is very much a man-woman relationship.

Often times with JaeMin, Jaejoong will usually be the gay one, and more often than not, he is just a normal gay. Changmin will either be straight and in denial, or played around with by Jaejoong. Their conflicts are more about Changmin feeling slightly like an outcaste, or Jaejoong feeling like an outcaste, and one of them has to help the other overcome their internal conflicts.

I find with JaeSu, one of them has made a mistake and they have to correct it or they’ll lose the other. Jaejoong will usually be the dominating one, but not always. Their relationship is sometimes like YunJae’s, except not as intense.

If you ever write JaeChun, I am an expert on them.

This is just in general. Of all the hundreds of fics I read, that summarized a lot of them. 

Pointers for JaejoongPrincess

The first thing that needs to be addressed is your number of subscribers. When you first begin writing you will get maybe one or two subscribers per chapter. This is because readers are testing you, seeing if you’ll update soon enough so they don’t have to subscribe and know you update often. They also don’t subscribe in the beginning because many readers want to read longer fics, so unless the fic seems like one to not update often or has an intensely intriguing plot, they won’t subscribe. Five chapters are not long enough, and three weeks is not enough time to draw readers in. Just update often and leave keyboard smashing cliffhangers.

Secondly, you don’t actually want your fic to be featured. It is a known opinionated fact among the more experienced writers here that the featured stories are not worthy of really being read. Getting featured does mean a lot more comments, readers, and compliments, but it also means that you will be in the limelight for criticism from can write better and will want you to know they aren’t happy you got featured instead.

Getting featured isn’t even a realistic goal. Unless you write every minute, are one of the original 1000 users, or write really bad smutty fics, you won’t get featured.

The Switch

You’re giving away way too much of the plot in the summary. Cut down on everything but the necessities. An anti-fan causes JYJ to switch bodies and they end up living each other’s lives.

The chapter looks very pretty, but it is unnecessary and might actually scare some readers away. Don’t highlight all the words and keep them black, colored font can be difficult to read. A lot of readers prefer the default font, Helvetica, over Comic Sans MS or one of the others. This is one of the tricks readers take to see the effort put into a chapter. Making the chapter look pretty tells readers you care more about what it looks like than how it is actually written. A large font also makes readers feel like they have been cheated out of a long chapter. Readers love to read longer chapters (unless they are way too long) especially if they like the fic. A large font makes a short chapter seem longer, but it is not and they get a little disappointed.

In the first paragraph of chapter one, the sentence “You could feel the cool summer breeze against your skin” can be confusing for readers who might think this is a “you” fic. This sentence would be okay anywhere other than the first chapter. The first few chapters are essentially for readers to get to know the author and their writing style. Readers can usually tolerate or love cheesy fics, but some writing styles are torment, so the first chapters are another test for them.

Script writing is an absolute no-no. It tells a reader that you don’t read often, even if you may, and you don’t know how to write dialogue.

Instead of saying Jaejoong: “Yoochun, Junsu, lunch is ready.” Jaejoong yelled, preparing the table. Yoochun and Junsu came into the dining room and sat down at the table this speaking part should be seen as:

“Yoochun, Junsu, lunch is ready!” Jaejoong yelled, preparing the table. Yoochun and Junsu came into the dining room and sat down.

For more on writing dialogue, refer to my blogs, Part 4 is for dialogue.

You do still need to work on your grammar, but it isn’t so bad that you need to give such a large warning in your forewords. For my first fic I left a short note explaining I couldn’t spell to save my life, but then I realized it didn’t matter because my readers honestly couldn’t spell any better than I could. Your grammar will only ever be an issue if it disrupts the flow. It does occasionally, but not so badly. Putting a large warning will scare away readers.

Make sure to stick to the flow of the story. One minute they are eating lunch, and then all of a sudden Yoochun is asking Jaejoong about his crush. It is too abrupt; some leading actions need to be put in. You can’t connect the dots without drawing a line between them.

Refrain from using a lot of references to Japanese culture. A lot of people don’t know Crystal Kay or Peach girl, though I happen to know of both.

Describe the actions of the characters better. It is almost exactly like you are writing a script.

Jaejoong: Jaejoong stops eating. “Her name is Jung Hye Roddy.” Jaejoong continues eating again. 

The two yellow highlighted sentences are very basic and obvious sentences. Unless Jaejoong were to talk while spraying soup everywhere, he’d have to stop eating! Writing about Jaejoong in this way takes away from the fact that Junsu and Yoochun are right next to him, even if the others are in the next paragraphs. It almost seems like Jaejoong is facing a wall and talking to himself. Always show the interactions between the three, not all the time necessarily, but often enough to show they are still there.

I am one of the readers that do not tolerate certain things in a fic. 1) Is POV changes, or point of view changes. You’re okay there.  2) Flashbacks. Flashbacks are allowed, but not in a way where Flashback is stated then the following paragraphs are the flashback then flashback end is stated last. With this I think you are okay as well. 3) Naming the location of the new scene. Here we have a problem.

When changing scenes you can not just name the location. Describe it, make it a real place. Write about the setting, the people there, what they are doing, what might happen, what’s the purpose, why are they there. That is the equivalent of saying I am writing this in my room.

5 minutes later: In the kitchen

There is better wi-fi here!

That won’t cut it. These are the three key points to a reader to show if the writer is experienced enough.

JYJ need to act more mature. In this fic they are 24-25? Yes? They need to act their age. JYJ are idols, therefore they need to be aware of their idol status. Jaejoong asking out a teacher after a two year, three month long crush seems a little farfetched. All in all, keep track of all the details you add to the fic and make sure they are believable.

Fanfictions usually portray out idols speaking Korean, only it’s English to us, therefore, this use of Korean in your fic is unnecessary. It is nice to know that you know these basic Korean words, but some people don’t and it does interrupt your fic. There are a lot of mistakes that anyone could correct. One for instance is when Jaejoong is doing his photo-shoot, the camera doesn’t click every five seconds, it clicks practically every second. If you are ever unsure about something, don’t be afraid to ask someone or look it up. Readers connect to a fic that is more realistic.

I know this is a comedy, but they would not pay much attention to Soo Young unless she stopped them and asked for an autograph. The interaction between Soo Young and JYJ should have stopped after they ended up in the hospital. Readers think she is a bitch, they don’t want to see her for several chapters. For now, JYJ’s reaction to their body switch is the most important.

Do not ever use shortened forms of text like LOL, WTH, IKR, or anything else in a fanfic. Readers hate it.

Any mention of JYJ, HoMin, TVXQ split makes me cry. I cried when Jaejoong sang “Hug”. I am that much of a hardcore fangirl. That being said, since the fic is based on an anti being mad at them for leaving TVXQ, you really need to exaggerate on those moments. Jaejoong crying isn’t enough; readers need to know why he is crying. We obviously know why, but having the author describe it to us makes it more meaningful and real. The same thing for the anti-fan. Readers reading the fic probably still like JYJ, so they won’t completely understand how the fan is thinking. These are important to the plot and need to be highlighted specifically.

Don’t leave various notes from yourself in the actual chapter, wait to the end. You did this when you mentioned the price of the gum. Put an asterisk (*) and explain it at the end in an author’s note. This will keep the chapter uncluttered and easier to read.

The Prince of Cassiopeia

You gave too much information in the summary, and the summary needs to stay in the foreword/description area. When you finally got into the actual fic, the summary was reiterated and making the summary itself pointless.

When dealing with sensitive topics like ADOPTION—A-D-O-P-T means to take a child from an adoption house and legally make them your own, Adaption/adapt/adapted means to change to one’s surroundings—you need to keep the fic neutral or when someone is doing something morally wrong, make it more obvious. Boa held up the baby with no eyes and the Queen bluntly said no without any remorse or consideration. Baby has no eyes, she could have said ‘how sad, but we can’t have a king without eyes.’

Try and vary the length of your paragraphs, make them longer and include more descriptions to set the scenes better.

Kim Jaejoong is the prince of Cassiopeia. Cassiopeia is a diverse country filled wish bustling cities. Cassiopeia is a country, where the old traditions meet the new traditions. Cassiopeia is famous for the red ocean, their chocolate pork chop brownies (yum yum), tour attractions, and magical fairies at night, that light up the sky. Jaejoong's parents are the king (Kim Hyun Joong) and queen (Jung So Min) of Cassiopeia. His dad is the greatest kings that ever live and he is considered a legendary warrior who saves people. The king and queen of Cassiopeia is not Jaejoong's biological parents.  

This is called an anaphora, when the same sound or word is repeated at the beginning of consecutive sentences. The best example of one would be ‘Tale of Two Cities’ with ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” In this case, it doesn’t sound good, especially because your sentences are very simple. I highlighted the verb “is” because it is this word that takes away from Cassiopeia’s description. For more on this, please read Part 8 of my rants. Also, like I said before, leave out bits that can be taken as a personal note.

The bullies and fangirls are exaggerated greatly, they are not important, they are annoying, they need to be toned down.

Tripping would likely not break his leg. The reader would “what the heck” at this moment and might not continue. That is too absurd.

Jaejoong’s venture away from Cassiopeia sounds like it is his first time ever leaving. It sounds like he has never been militarily trained and has no idea what to do in the forest. If this is the case, he will die.

The fic itself sounds like a fairytale for children. Fanfics are read by people from the age of eleven to thirty plus years. Fairytales will not do. This needs to seem like a real world, not fairytale castle with DBSK’s fanclub plastered on it.

Remember, you already introduced Yunho as one of the bullies outside the castle, now he is wanted dead or alive in Elf village? Make sure everything fits!

Everything else is basically the same issues in The Switch.

~Above all, you need to work on developing everything more. Readers love well developed and thought out fics. The more believable, the better. They don’t need gimmicks like lots of shouting and childish play, the raw emotion and facing the reality of life is what makes readers want more. In a comedy it is better to focus on the idols. Stay away from the girls unless romance is one of the finalities of the ending. Try and focus on your plot as much as possible and try not to add in unnecessary information. Do not write your dialogue in script writing. The plot is very interesting, develop the characters to match.

Your plot is very interesting, I will give you that. The poster for The Prince of Cassiopeia is very good, and I am curious myself on how The Switch will turn out.