hopeleslyconfused's Time's Lost Princess

Author: hopeleslyconfused
Link :http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/236279/time-s-lost-princess-action-drama-fantasy-iusinger-romance-shinee-historical

You said I could do a helping review, so I am.

Foreword Page: I recommend that you don’t change the font style of your description and foreword just because. The real reason is that it, one, irritates some readers when the font isn’t default, and in the case of your description, it causes problems. For the description, 200 characters are allowed in the preview, but if you change the font the numbers of characters seen is less, and that means less for the readers to judge whether or not they want to read the fic or not.

The description reveals way too much information. It sounds more like a prologue that sets up the story and would have been better in the foreword, especially since the foreword is just a continuation of that intro summary.

Yes, it is definitely rushed and doesn’t have the proper description for each action. Your really need to slow down and describe things one by one, second by second even. Describe what the horse saw to make it fearful, describe the feeling of being thrown of the horse and free falling over a cliff. Write about what the readers wouldn’t already think, don’t summarize it down to one paragraph. Remember, the length is never too long.

Never ever, ever, do character profiles. Okay, just stating their name and title as Prince or Brother would have been acceptable, but you also included a picture for them. There is absolutely no reason to include a picture of SHINee, nor of the girl. I’m sure every single reader can imagine what a Korean girl in a hanbok looks like.

You should be a little careful about the names you chose for their past. Park Jungsu? That’s Leeteuk’s real name. It could cause some confusion.

Chapters: Really work on varying which word you use to start the sentences. Something often seen with fics written in first person is the continual use of “I” to start sentences.

The foreword and description definitely spoiled too much considering they summarize the first few chapters.

I’m glad you touched on the social differences between men and women, and I wish you had gone more into this direction. At this time, I expect a woman to be very timid but she is confident, that’s where it doesn’t fit. She knows she shouldn’t be defiant but she is defiant anyway?

Her initial meeting with Key and Jonghyun is really weird. I think the boys would have claimed ignorance and try to leave the Dambi behind instead of taking her to a hospital. Realistically I can see her wandering and seeing all these other new things. Maybe she’d almost get hit by a car due to her curiosity and Key and Jonghyun saved her and took her to a hospital, but that conversation leading to the hospital was just to unrealistic.

Great job with her fascination with modern devices. The road, the cars, the lights, even paper money. You can go really far with that, but not too far because that would be irritating. Dambi can notice all these novelties, and the longer she stays in the modern era the more she understands their functions.

In chapter five the order of your paragraphs are incohesive. The second paragraph is about Mihyun’s reaction to Dambi and the third paragraph is about how she got to the house. It doesn’t flow well.

I seriously hope that Mihyun stays a friendly character because her interactions with Dambi have been very sisterly and sweet. When she first asked about Dambi’s relationship with the two boys I was concerned about her, but she has proven to be a very understanding person. If Dambi had to tell anyone that she is actually from the past, I’d like it to be Mihyun.

Why are chapter four and five in italics? You should change that.

No, this fic isn’t that original, but it is one that you can easily make your very own. Just take a moment and think it out and really try to trip your readers up. What will be the next thing for Dambi to discover? Is there some sort of underlying plot to all of this, or are her interactions with the modern world all you have to offer for the fic? Are Mihyun and Dambi going to fight for Jonghyun’s love? What? What is the actual storyline?

Princesses, witches, time travel, they have all been done before. It’s up to you to really wow the readers. How will of this play a part in the fic? Will she try and get a job and get fired because she was too much of a princess? Will the witch curse her? Make sure that all the information you have included is actually significant to the story. There’s a painting of her as a princess? That painting better come into play later, even if just in a museum and shocking the daylights out of some unsuspecting boy.

It might be difficult, but picture yourself in Dambi’s position. You’ve traveled about 1600 years into the future and there are these new contraptions and five guys that look very familiar to you.

This is rushed. From getting the horse and falling off the cliff to going to the hospital, buying clothes, and living with Mihyun, so many things have happened in the short span of five chapters. Your chapters aren’t that long either. Focus on what is important for the story and what exactly your story is about. At this point it is unclear where you want the story to go because you have included so many things that probably aren’t necessary. You have to cut down on the unnecessary parts and really make a story. Otherwise it is just a repeat of hundreds of previous fanfics with the same storyline, same characters, and same writing style.

It’s interesting, the rest is up to you. 

esteem's Chameleon Mannerism

Author: esteem
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/236258/chameleon-s-mannerism-oneshot-taemin-hurtcomfort

If you want to attract readers, your description really needs to be something that can draw readers in. It has to be more than just one sentence. By looking at your foreword and skimming a little, I can tell that your grammar is slightly off. I’ll revise your prologue so you can see the little mistakes you are making.

The clock's pendulum was swinging; its hands pointed at the numbers four and number twelve. The sky gradually turned into a dark shades of orange, red and honey maple syrups.

Putting down the paper -that which scripted the date, the session's time, the patient's name, and his/her problem- given by the administration staff, I stretched my backs and mentally gave myself a pat for.  I put on my glasses and opened a brand new page of my reports book. 

Today's session had been the most interesting session in the history of working as a psychotherapist.

Your grammar isn’t too off, and it could easily be fixed with a beta reader, another user willing to read your fic and correct your mistakes. Throughout the actual oneshot it wasn’t too noticeable, though.

The timeline and flow of your story is okay, it’s not like it skips around too much. There was never a moment when I thought to myself, “When in the world did this happen?”

The plot is actually wonderful. It’s great in that it is so relatable to readers of all ages. Finding and expressing our true self is one of the struggles that we all face. Kids and teens fitting in with the cliques at school, adults fitting in with their coworkers and neighbors, we all face these challenges. Going with Taemin in this direction was a great idea. It’s been one of my concerns about how Taemin was going to outgrow his sweet and shy image.

You could have elaborated more on the doctor. Male or female, doesn’t really matter, but I would have like to learn a little more about them. Not to the point where the focus of the story goes from Taemin to the doctor, but enough to show how the doctor reacts to Taemin’s dilemma. An experienced doctor wouldn’t see Taemin’s crisis as to severe, almost expected because of his occupation; whereas a less experienced doctor, like I assume this one is, would have a bigger reaction.

The lack of actual dialogue was a nice change and it probably made the oneshot better than if you had made Taemin and the doctor actual speak back and forth.

So right now you’re at that point where you are just brushing the surface. You are giving Taemin’s emotions, but you are not showing them. Show how Taemin conflicted between listening to his company’s demands and finding his true self. Because it is something so relatable, you need to dive in more. I can picture it right now, a moment where Taemin wants to tease his Hyungs but he’s been told he just needs to smile and look pretty.

All in all, you made a great connection between finding oneself and a chameleon changing color. It was a very smart idea, and that last sentence was a really inspiring ending.

If I had to give this a grade it’d be an A. 

Sone19's "I'm Better!"

Author: Sone19
Link:http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/229982/i-m-better-jonghyun-key-minho-onew-shinee-taemin-minhoxoc

As much as color is pretty, do not change the font color of your text. The change the font itself, and also don’t change the size. More experienced readers and writers hate to see that. It makes them feel like you spent more time decorating your story than you did writing it. I’ve heard complaints of people getting headaches and nausea and also not being able to read text because they’re colorblind, so just try and keep it black.

Now for the photos, you chose good pictures, but they aren’t necessary. The readers know who Minho and Jonghyun are, and it doesn’t matter to know what Alice and her friend look like. Instead of using photos to show their looks, you should take your time to describe them in the fic. It shows off your talent as a writer to be able to make the readers properly imagine the characters.

Do not list the character’s traits like you’ve done in the description. You do this in the actual fic and build up their character. How you include these traits and how you make them important and embellish on them affects the overall quality of your fic. This is once again to highlight your skills as a writer and show that you can create a person and actual show them off in the fic.

All together, I didn’t even read your description or foreword other than that small info at the top. The character profile was pointless and the foreword was too cluttered. When you have multiple persons speaking, separate their speeches, even if it makes the foreword longer, separate them. Remember, the foreword is where you want to prove to the readers that you can do more than produce fangirl babble. It showed the traits of the characters and set up the story, but it wasn’t written well. Clean it up a bit, elaborate more on this defining moment, and it’d be fine.

Topping off of chapter 1, don’t say whose POV it is. It can be Billy Bob Joe’s POV and I don’t want to be told it’s Billy Bob Joe’s. It’s your job as the writer to be able to portray who is narrating without having to point it out directly. That’s the same with flashbacks and location changes, these don’t need to be pointed out, and you need to ease into it for the readers.

For things like a story or a paper for school, unless it is long, always write out the numbers. You have 2 instead of two. Even with time. Other grammatical errors are “sense” instead of “since” and whatnot, these could easily be fixed with some proofreading and editing. Maybe get a beta or just try and catch them yourself. Don’t abuse your punctuation like exclamations, ellipsis (…), and future abuses that might come. Overusing them causes their effectiveness to go down. Especially those ellipsis, they become meaningless instantly when you use them for every pause. Thinking back, I believe a dash (-) is more appropriate. Finally, avoid writing complete words or sentences in all caps when showing someone is yelling. It makes the scene childish. Just use your descriptive words. Alice yelled threateningly across the hall, anger overcoming logic. Something like that.

Onto the characters. Alice is a bully and is super arrogant. She might be better than Minho at sports, but she doesn’t have to flaunt it, so bitch. It might be what makes her really expressive and outgoing, but she needs a reality check, so bitch. Her actions are over the top and unrealistic and it becomes really cheesy to read. You’ve done a good job at expressing her character, but I personally don’t like her and I’d probably want to kick her in the lady parts if I met her in real life.

To make her likable to people like me, you need to expand on her positive points. Go more into how she is protective of her friend, how she doesn’t back down from a challenge (even though it’s a flaw, her acknowledging it could be seen as a positive point), her need to stand up against bullies and social norms. Also, acknowledge her flaws. Her arrogance and her bratty attitude when it comes to Minho, both of these make her real and could later turn into a weakness which makes her all the more real.

You’re very creative with your insults, and they amuse me.

If you had elaborated more on the section in the foreword, the situation in chapter one would have made more sense. So far, it’s a surface level fic. You need to develop things more, creatively include some background information, describe the surroundings and what everyone else is doing, and have some back thoughts. The idea is interesting, but you’re not focusing on it well enough. You’re throwing the story at the readers and just telling them what is happening from one second to the next.

Chapter two: Don’t change color, don’t change font size, don’t change POVs. Don’t use more than one POV per chapter if you are going to change them. It’s annoying to see them switch around. You might not have done this, but many writers tend to repeat things when the POVs change.

Your story if one big comedy, and if that is what you’re aiming for, you’re on the right track. Everything is so completely unrealistic that I can see a lot of people liking it. It’s not to my taste because I don’t like stories that defy common sense, but it has the potential to be popular. Think things through a bit more and I’m sure reality will start to sink in.

Overall, the story is interesting, but you are making all the beginner mistakes.

TL;DR

1. Don’t change the font, color, or POV

2. Don’t use character profiles, elaborate in the fic

3. Don’t exaggerate the scenes too much, portray them realistically

4. Show the readers that you can write well

5. Develop the storyline, it’s a good one

6. Try and write more, even if you have other fics, just update later if needed

Good luck with your fics, and enjoy it while it's fun!

ChocoChips321's Birthday Gift Happy Birthday Key review

Author: ChocoChips321

link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/80417/birthday-gift-happy-birthday-key-jonghyun-key-minho-onew-shinee-taemin-yaoi

Very good job! The oneshot isn’t crazy. Key wasn’t mentioned as a diva directly and was portrayed only slightly as such with descriptions. Grammar is pretty good, no major mistakes that I remember or see at a glance.The idea behind this is cute and funny, and the perverted joke earns a laugh. You really took some time in keeping this real to an extent. There was only one issue, the party with all those idols.

The party would have been more believable if it wasn’t an actual party. I don’t really see SHINee having a break long enough for an extravagant gathering to take place. Their idol position already prevents them from doing extreme events. A small party between SHINee and maybe a few other idols from SM would have been understandable (not Super Junior because they are doing promotions for their fifth album repackage), but not from all those different companies all together on a boat.

Mentioning the individual names of the idols was also sort of unnecessary. That is an overload of names that many readers don’t know. It’s wonderful to see that you know of these groups, but really, they didn’t need to be mentioned. And the possibility of all these idols having the evening off is, once again, a long shot. This is the same as reading a fic and having to learn the name of all thirty students in the class. Usually only two or three matter, in this case the five members of SHINee, and the rest are unimportant. Even during the dance off the names didn’t need to be stated, it was overwhelming.

A major problem I see with this is the fact that it is a birthday oneshot for Key, but you wrote from Jonghyun’s perspective. Considering this fact, there was very little Key at all. To use Jonghyun’s point of view, there needs to be more of an emotional tie to Kibum to make this meaningful, otherwise it really seems like he is just buying a present and being the normal airheaded Jjong. By sticking with Jonghyun’s POV, a lot of Key’s actions don’t make sense unless thought about for a second.

Plotwise, the fic is very safe. You’ve taken a complete 180 of your normal writing, making this actual a little boring. I am aware that you are trying to please me to some extent and keeping it safe, but there has to be more of a plot. It was in general extremely summarized and short, there weren’t that many fluffy details that engage the readers.

The most interesting thing that happens, minus the slight JongKey interactions, is when Jonghyun “forgets” Key’s present. His paranoia before isn’t developed enough as it is and isn’t that clear. It is easy to take in, but the ideas aren’t easy to connect. If that is the most interesting thing, something went wrong. There is toning it down, then there is turning it bland. It is okay to exaggerate on some things. You did well with messing up the party with the music problems and the likes. Most of the times authors keep the party going without a hitch, in this case, you thought realistically, parties never go by without something messing up.

Now that you’ve gotten more of a realistic story going on, use the fluffy words to make it sound interesting. Life is generally boring until a certain view is used to see it. Right now, you are showing the readers a bland look at SHINee’s life, even if it is filled with parties as presents. Make the party appealing, have the reader feel the beat of the music in the dance off and stare in awe at Key’s birthday cake. Using those descriptive words! Every sentence can have more depth. Otherwise, they are simple and plain.

The sentences don’t make the reader say “wow,” it’s the hidden joke with the earphones that do that. The plot is only part of what appeals to readers, the varied sentences are what keep them hooked to the end, even more so if the plot is done right, yes.

Taking in how much you have improved and all the above in mind, I’ll give you an 85 for this review. Good job, your score has improved 42 points from your first review, though this one was very informal.

Undankbar's Turning the tables review

Review for Turning the Tables by Undankbar
story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/9659/turning-the-tables-korean-onew-shinee-thriller-you

1)      Good Storyline- 25/30 pts

a)      This is very much just a One shot split into different sections. While the plot is interesting and original, it was left empty. Things seemed to missing, and that was SHINee’s reaction as everything went on. Things aren’t rushed and it isn’t drawn out. Everything was “this is what is happening, deal with it.” 25 pts

2)      followable plot- 14/15 pts

a)      It was very easy to follow the plot because of the way the chapters were separated. There were some parts where a scene skipped and there were no leading sentences. In Paranoid the changing sentence appears to just be ENOUGH! The story is going back from her explanation to her in real time, but the change is a little abrupt because the beginning fit in so well that the flow was interrupted. That happens in a few places. Otherwise there are no events that can’t be explained for and everything does fit together.14 pts

3)      proper grammar- 6/10 pts

a)      There are some instances when a comma was used instead of a semicolon. “I started running, running until my lungs gave out.” The comma before the second running should be a semicolon because they are both complete sentences with no FANBOY transition word. (For, and, nor, but, or, yet)

b)      Other moments had missing commas like “I was hopelessly lost in the outskirts of Seoul but it was silent.” A comma should be included before the ‘but’.

c)      A few sentences are run on and continue when they should have ended halfway through.

d)      There a few cases when you used the wrong word like ‘but’ instead of ‘and’, or you made a spelling error like ‘whole’ instead or ‘hole’ when the girl trips and rips a hole in her jeans.

4)      Focus on one thing at a time-13/15 pts

a)      This story only focuses on the stalking and that is very good. It was simple and didn’t stray too much. 5 pts

b)      At first it seems like it is about the girl stalking the SHINee members like the forword implies, then the story goes in a completely different direction. However, the story follows the title of the story well.8 pts

5)      Things make sense- 40/50 pts

a)      Other than the forword not matching the story, everything is okay. There isn’t anything that I would go “Do your research!” on. 40 pts

b)      The only thing that was a little out there was that there weren’t any reporters at her apartment and none of the letters had any razors or any other harmful things in them. -5 pts

c)      Another thing is how Onew reacts to this girl. He follows her for days when he really should be spending his time with other things. Other fans or reporters could be around him, even his manager. -5 pts

6)      Creative- 15/25 pts

a)      Well definitely this is an original and creative story. Stalking is something few attempt but many fail. Most times the person is head over heels in love with them and makes stupid choices with their actions and they end up coming off psychotic. 10 pts

b)      An amazing part was that we got to see a new side of SHINee and read funny little comments from the narrator. I read it out loud and I was able to add a humorous voice to everything and a scared and depressed voice for the thrills. 5 pts

c)      I wasn’t really gasping in my seat at Onew stalking her, nor was I glued to the screen when she was running away. The word choice was good, but I didn’t feel like the words were deep and meaningful enough. You wanted to make this a real thriller so you could have used more exciting words and described things very well with great detail.

7)      Sticks to plot- 9/10pts

a)      Yup, the tables were turned, but the first few chapters weren’t as necessary considering the length of the story. If the story had been longer more background information could have been provided. If SHINee’s perspective was included as well in the beginning and more was included about how they turned the tables on her then it would have been a little more focused. 9 pts

8)      Not cliché- 18/20 pts

a)      It is not cliché. Going through trashcans and sneaking into buildings could have seemed more original if description was added about the actions. Stories require description to take away from the overused plots, not that I am saying stalking is overdone. This all could have been better if the story was longer. 18 pts

9)      Character Development- 50/50 pts

a)      There is a strong development with the girl. She is willing to share her stalking knowledge, she looks down on obsessed fans that hate her for doing something they are too afraid to do, and she is smart by thinking of ways to avoid her stalker and to even be able to stalk them. At the same time she is able to get scared in times of trouble and stoically try and avoid all problems. She is able to hold face in front of a judge and doesn’t get fazed by hate mail. These are all very important things that I am glad you put in.

b)      She’s original and different from the other characters. 5 pts

c)      All the characters play their part properly. Onew is an antagonist/main and the girl is the protagonist. The other 4 members don’t play an important part and they don’t need to. 5 pts.

d)      This girl had clear flaws mentally. Her entire thought process is a flaw. The same way, I was actually able to find flaws for all 5 guys. 15 pts

e)      Onew was obviously not stalking the girl publicly so that was a public vs. private part. The girl wasn’t that different, but this was short and I think she was a little crazy so she didn’t need to be. 10 pts

f)        The shinee members changed from scare to proactive and the stalker did become scared from something even though she wasn’t frightened by the mail. 10 pts

g)      None of this really follow the stereotypes. Dubu wasn’t a soft tofu and this stalker wasn’t begging for them to have sex with her. 5 pts

10)  Good command of POV- 9/10 pts

a)      The only thing was in the last chapter it isn’t really from the narrators point of view because they aren’t there. 9pts

11)  Proper structure- 15/15 pts

a)      Hmm, I would like to say you should have written longer paragraphs and included more information, but this is overall short so that will just count as your writing style. Overall it was good.  15 pts

12)  Dialogue- 35/35 pts 

a)      The necessary amount of speaking was there and it fit in nicely. 10 pts

b)      It didn’t take away from the plot. 15 pts

c)      The dialogue didn’t tell the story J 10 pts

d)      The talking fit in with their age group and their ways of speaking. 5 pts

13)  Title- 10/10 pts

a)      Fits the story well and the plot always goes back to it. Chapter titles also tie to the chapter in their ways. 10 pts

14)  Hidden meanings- 20/25 pts

a)      The entire is a hidden meaning obviously. The ending with Onew’s idea is also a great way to flashback on the story and gives a reminder of the title. 10 pts

b)      Bringing in titles of their songs is a great way to show that you, the character, and the reader all are fans of SHINee. 10 pts

c)      There weren’t that many other things and I think more could have been included. If this fic was longer…

15)  Forwords and introductions- 12/15 pts

a)      Since the story is short is actually good that your forward is short, gives a taste of the theme, and draws in the readers. 5 pts

b)      Some things don’t match with the rest of the story. It is written as if the boy is living with his father while the story is written as if SHINee lives together in a dorm. The character in the beginning seems like she is infatuated with SHINee, but she doesn’t seem to match the characterization for the rest of the story. 2 pts

c)      Characters are introduced correctly. We are informed who the speaker is in the beginning and SHINee is introduced by the judge. 5 pts

16)  Literacy elements (metaphors, alliteration, similes, personification, irony, foreshadowing, hyperbole, allusion.) 1bonus point for each element used.  7 pts

17)  the author grew as an writer and gain experience and knowledge bonus of 0-5 points added based on growth and experience 3 pts

18)  reader's comments

a)      Readers obviously wanted a longer story, but you expressed that it would be short so I was ready for that.

b)      You are clearly willing to fix the errors in the story.

c)      Turning the tables, the name of the story.

(291+10)/335

301/335

90%

ChocoChips321's and Sujushineegirl's Breaking Point Review

Review for Breaking Point by ChocoChips321 and Sujushineegirl

Story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/20869/breaking-point-2min-jongho-jongkey-jongtae-keyxonew-shinee-yaoi

1)      Good Storyline- 15/30 pts

a)      There are a lot things that don’t add to the story and make it boring

b)      The idea is good, but the story is not developed enough to be completely satisfying

2)      followable plot- 6/15 pts

a)      There are too many gaps between ideas and things not being developed enough to make sense and things are rather confusing.

3)      proper grammar- 6/10 pts

a)      All single I must be capitalized

b)      You are still abusing the ellipses (…)

c)      Do not write shouting in complete capital letters

d)     Don’t extend words like “Whooooooooooooooooooooooooo…” because it is confusing, distracting, and readers tend to skip over these parts as they are redundant and pointless.

e)      When someone possesses something else there need’s to be an apostrophe. In cases like Keys should have been Key’s and Fuhrers would have been Fuhrer’s. This shows ownership and doesn’t make the word plural. 

f)       Be careful of the word your and you’re. When you are trying to say “You are” use the conjugation you’re, your is used to show possession. The same with their and there, their is possessive and there is location

g)      Still having simple spelling errors that could be corrected by using spell-check or rereading carefully

4)      Focus on one thing at a time-10/15 pts

a)      Don’t add in random comments from yourself; keep it strictly to what is happening, don’t add in things like “IT IS A KISS YOU STUPID AUTHOR YOU” (Chapter 1). Comments like this distract readers and make it harder to remember what is going on. They are also very annoying. “THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR AN INTERUPPTION STUPID AUTHOR STUPID. NEITHER SHOULD I STUPID TROLL STUPID” (Chapter 3).

b)     Things skip around a lot and don’t make sense. One second Key sends people to chase after Jonghyun, then he is tied up on the flagpole, oh but he won, but he still got hung. That happens often. There isn’t enough information provided and things become unclear

5)      Things make -20/50 pts

a)      How does a 12 year old join the army? -3pts

b)      You do provide explanations for things that readers might not have been concerned about, but once it was put out there it was appreciated 5pts

c)      The process for raising rank seems way too easy

d)     People seem to have a lack of respect and discipline, again, in this story everyone is carefree and acts without responsibilities.

e)      In the beginning there isn’t any real issue with the four being gay and it doesn’t fit the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell rule that should be in state

f)       Make sure to describe exactly what you want your reader to see, don’t just assume they know what you are talking about, “Onew grinned his famous eye-smile grin, yknow that one where it looks funny yet weird at the same time? Yeah.” Actually write what his smile looks like, add in what people think of it, don’t assume we know.

g)      Having a party in the army!!! That is not likely to happen!

h)      I don’t understand what country this is- there is a Fuhrer which is German, Japanese cheer “kanpai”, use of Korean honorifics like Umma and Hyung, but they are in the army for such a long time nothing adds up.

i)        Their personalities don’t make sense. Taemin is practically and adult, and in the army, he should be more independent, not a bundle of Joy calling Key his Umma. Key should have learned not to be so bitchy as well. You’d think that Onew would get over his sangtaeness and actually be professional; he is a Major after all.

j)        There is no way that Jonghyun would have jumped to rank 20 years beyond his experience, even if his father loved him like he was god. It would also be common knowledge that Jonghyun was the Führer’s son.

k)      The believability that Jonghyun would have been hung from the flagpole is very very low. That is disrespectful and they would have to take down the flag first, and he is the Fuhrer’s son! That wouldn’t happen.

6)      Creative- 20/25 pts

a)      The description for the setting is written nicely

b)      Military fics are a little unusual, the idea is original but it has been done before.

c)      You both have a lot of good ideas forming, but you need to develop them and give them more important roles.

7)      Sticks to plot- 1/10pts

a)      You add a lot of unnecessary bits like abandoning Minho then Key and Taemin fighting to get in the car then having to go back and get Minho. This entire bit didn’t need to be there. That happens a lot. You stray from what the story is about.

b)      It took way too long for Jonghyun to actually make an appearance in the story, and he is the main antagonist, so he should be in the first chapter, if not the second.

8)      Not cliché- 8/20 pts

a)      The ideas of drowning in a river, being the son of the Fuhrer, partying when moving up a rank, hanging someone from a flagpole, leaving someone behind, yelling like Tarzan when firing the artillery, these are all very cliché things unless described well. If you want these ideas in the story develop them, make them unique and different, and give them meaning.

9)      Character Development- 10/50 pts

a)      Key is the same Key as always, Diva and a mother to Taemin. Taemin is the normal cutie.

b)      Minho seems to have a more devious side than usual

c)      The characters are different from each other, and that is very important so that readers easily remember who plays what role and what situations they are in. 5 pts

d)     Minho’s role is lacking, and the Fuhrer’s is significantly important, but also doesn’t need to be there. Try and make sure all the SHINee members have a role. Taemin seems to disappear completely then come back a couple of chapters later

e)      Your characters don’t seem to have flaws other than they have annoying personalities. Key is selfish, and Jonghyun wants to torture everyone, that is about it. They need to have more individual flaws that stand out. -4

f)       The only person that seems to have a deeper and more private side is Jonghyun, everyone else is a completely open book

g)      None of their characters change, they don’t learn their lessons, maybe if the story was finished they will have changed, but for now they are static

h)     They do follow stereotypes, the act like typical fifteen year olds, but their characters are so off from what they should actually be. In the army they need to act professional!

i)        The characters are once again mirrors of the childish side of the authors

10)  Good command of POV- 7/10 pts

a)      For some reason POV changes when it really should have been kept in 3^rd person, in chapter 4 suddenly it is Taemin’s POV. There doesn’t seem to be real reason.

11)  Proper structure- 8/15 pts

a)      When going between scenes don’t write LATER, or the location, or the time, anything like that. You can use *** or make a line between the scenes, but don’t add in useless words. Or try to put in a transitional word leading into the next scene.

b)      Instead of using the actual sound, describe the sound. For instance in chapter 3 there was the horn sound “TUDUTUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!” When it really should have been more of “a trumpet blasted in the distance.”

c)      Things are often repeated in ways that become annoying, like when something is stated, then you restate it again for emphasis, usually in all caps, in case we didn’t get it the first time. Readers do get it, but they don’t find it as important as you do.

d)     Try and be consistent with only having one character speak in a paragraph

12)  Dialogue- 25/35 pts 

a)      The way the characters speak does not match their age or setting

b)      The dialogue is very distracting and takes away from the flow of the story

c)      Don’t write yelling in all caps

d)     Try replacing some of the dialogue with description “You need to die” could easily be replaced with ‘He sent daggers’ or something along those lines. “What the fuck” could be replaced with ‘his breath hitched and his blood raised in his cheeks.’ Describe the body or the setting instead, it adds more variety to the writing and makes it less tedious for the reader to go through mass amounts of dialogue.

13)  Title- 4/10 pts

a)      I don’t exactly know what the title means because the story is not completed

b)      The chapter titles seem pointless and vague and don’t really have any deep meaning

14)  Hidden meanings- 20/25 pts

a)      Kerero was a funny nickname

b)      MVP instead of VIP, funny (clearly from Replay)

c)      The “Not me!” in English, that is my one of my favorite lines from Hello Baby.

15)  Forewords and introductions- 7/15 pts

a)      Try and keep character descriptions to a minimum so that the reader can enjoy learning about them through the story -5pts

b)      When introducing characters keep personal comments out. Don’t include narrative from you as an author. -2pts

c)      There are a lot of things in the foreword that if you hadn’t put them there no one would have known, like how Jonghyun was able to be a General. Some people might assume he was just awesome unless they actually carefully read the foreword. -1pt

d)     The ways the characters are introduced in the actual story is good, no “I am ___” statements or “Hi, I am this rank ____”

16)  Literacy elements (metaphors, alliteration, similes, personification, irony, foreshadowing, hyperbole, allusions etc.) 1bonus point  

17)  the author grew as an writer and gain experience and knowledge bonus of 1-5 points added based on growth and experience

18)  reader's comments- no points are rewarded

a)      Clearly there needs to be some more 2min action

b)      People don’t really like Jonghyun, so try and add some likeable traits to his character

c)      Your story is not taken seriously, it is seen as a light mood, and a comedy, it doesn’t fit the setting but matches with your writing styles very well

d)     You’d get more comments if you went into depth with your plot; really play on Jonghyun being evil and cockblocking 2Min and OnKey. Make it tragic that Key was almost raped, make Taemin completely lose his innocence and have that angst come out, have Minho furious for Taemin, completely break Onew’s spirit, this would stir up a big reaction.

167+2/335

169/335

50%

ChocoChips321's Cat's Milk review

Review for Cat’s Milk by ChocoChips321

Story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/24269/cat-s-milk-2min-angst-bondage-mature-shinee-smut-yaoi

1)      Good Storyline- 12/30 pts

a)      There is a complete lack of storyline. The basic story is Taemin being auctioned to Jonghyun and having sex with him. That’s it, this is a sex story. There are ideas out there that could become a story, but so far nothing has come together.

2)      followable plot- 8/15 pts

a)      There plot seems to be that Jonghyun is teaching Taemin about sex. The ideas don’t connect together well or at all and things are introduced too rapidly, like the new person being added to make a foursome.

3)      proper grammar- 2/10 pts

a)      There was a mistake in the second sentence of the actual story. “Especially since when your a cat with no home nor a master.” The “your” should have been “you’re” because it is a conjugation of “you” and “are”. That was not a good start.

b)      There are a lot of spelling errors like “crotched (chapter 2) instead of “crouched”. Also there were “emphazize” instead of “emphasize”; “to” instead of “too”; “cant” instead of “can’t” (can’t is a conjugation of can and not); “im” instead of “I’m”; “diaglogue” instead of “dialogue”; “dont” instead of “don’t” (also a conjugation of do and not);

c)      Sentences shouldn’t start off with FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So). The cases when a FANBOY did start a sentence it was not a good emphasis because the FANBOY started sentence should have been part of the previous sentence as it is a compound sentence.

d)     All individual ‘I’ should be capitalized whether they start a sentence or not. Having an “i” is not correct.

e)      Using the ellipses (…) is not a way to show the sentence discontinues. While you technically used them correctly, the ellipses were overused and the emphasis they created was completely gone. Many of them should be replaced with commas and description at the end of dialogue and thoughts.

f)       When writing numbers try and write the actual word instead of the number

g)      Don’t write full sentences or full words completely capitalized, even if they are yelling

4)      Focus on one thing at a time-6/15 pts

a)      Taemin’s attention changes from one thing to another instantly like a person without good focus. He describes Onew crouching down, and then the next sentence is about his clothing being weird. They don’t flow because the transitions between ideas are missing.

b)      The first few chapters have nothing to do with the actual story of sex lessons, but for some reason you spent a long time on them.

c)      Too many things happen in one chapter

5)      Things make sense-35/50 pts

a)      When Taemin becomes an orphan, he must have been younger than fourteen because it is mentioned that after he turned fourteen he lost his freedom. I assume that means they didn’t use him sexually until after he was fourteen. At such a young age, he shouldn’t have been on the streets. Parents will usually choose someone to be a guardian incase they die or become unable to care for their child. In my case I would first go to my older sister, then my aunts or uncles, and then finally our close neighbors. But Taemin is suddenly a street urchin. Even if he didn’t have someone else to care for him, surely social services or even an orphanage or foster home would care for him. -10pts

b)      It would have made more sense for Onew to have changed his name from Lee Jinki to Onew since Jinki is his real name already.

c)      Jonghyun has a whole staff to make him a meal, it was totally random to have Taemin cook, to make Yakgwa, and to spell out his name. Really, the staff should have made something, or an explanation to why Jonghyun insisted for Taemin to cook should have been provided.

d)     Taemin has been going around having sex for at least the last two years, so he should be used to sex a bit more. His stamina is weird for his experience and his bad BJs are also not expected.

e)      After the first lesson, in the morning Jonghyun could have completely taken advantage of Taemin. He is such a sex addict but he could handle a naked Taemin next to him without pouncing on him? I’d imagine him fucking him instead of letting him rest during the day.

f)       How is this a 2Min? All I see so far is JongTae and a little bit of Minho on the side.

6)      Creative- 10/25 pts

a)      Putting bits of Taemin’s sex during his introduction was interesting and I liked it.

b)      Loved the use of paradoxes. In the first chapter you used that paragraph “Hope. Death. Love. Hate. Life. Happiness. Sorrow. Depression. Light. Sad. Evil. Good. Lust. End. Start. Beginning...” They are opposites –love and hate, life and death, good and evil, hope and sorrow, happiness and depression, end and start.

c)      You did very well in the beginning, then you got to chapter two and everything became rather dumb. What made all the interesting description meaningless was the dialogue.

d)     This plot has been done before, several times.

7)      Sticks to plot- 4/10pts

a)      No, not at all. There are a lot of useless things included like the whole process of the auction. The way the auction is written there is no significance and should have been kept while other parts should go into more detail.

b)      The relationship with Key and Onew is overlooked for the overuse of fuck

8)      Not cliché- 15/20 pts

a)      Starting right from the description I already see two cliché things from my list of clichés.  #7- sex in general and #11- Orphans.

b)      Jonghyun was a whore, again (#44)

c)      Key was a diva (#42)

d)     The sex was sort of creative, the yakgwa was interesting

e)      The cliché themes in the story were actually very irrelevant, mostly the orphan thing. The other parts passed by so quickly that they didn’t matter, like the entire episode with Key.

9)      Character Development- 7/50 pts

a)      The characters are typical characters that can be found in any story, not original at all

b)      They all act the same, cussing and insulting each other, acting immature and stupid, fuck fuck fuckity fuck, don’t see that a sex auction is really bad, Onew and Taemin act the same, Taemin and Key act the same, Jonghyun and Taemin act the same, Onew and Jonghyun act the same. Minho is a less obnoxious version of Jonghyun. They are all the same person with a different name.

c)      Some people are added in for no reason;

i)        at this point there was no point for Minho even being there because he didn’t have sex with Taemin.

ii)      Key didn’t do anything either other than bitch and suddenly want to catch up with Taemin.

iii)    Onew seems to have an important role, but after being selling Taemin, he is never mentioned again.

d)     The characters all have the same flaws and practically no good traits. They are all jerks and idiots and sex craved addicts.

e)      What you see is what they are, other than Taemin’s suicidal thoughts in the beginning and Onew’s regret over Taemin, there is no deeper side to any of the characters. With them it is simply “Fuck! Shut up! Ngh, ahhh, ooohh!”

f)       There are several places where there could be a change in their personality, but all the characters except Jinki are static characters and don’t alter at all.

g)      Taemin is a typical slut that sort of doesn’t want to have sex but loves it anyway, Key is a diva, Onew is sort of caring but a bastard anyway, Jonghyun is a sex addict, and Minho is the friend that wants to join in, these are cliché characterizations for sexual stories.

h)      There isn’t a difference between the narrator in the smut chapters and the narration from Taemin, this reflects how Taemin (and the other SHINee characters) are childish versions of the author.

10)  Good command of POV- 5/10 pts

a)      I do agree that POV changes should never be written out, but to suddenly change the point of view was really unprofessional. After this, it is really clear that Taemin’s thoughts reflect your, the author’s, thoughts. The descriptions of the scenes didn’t differ at all. The only way it was actually different was that Taemin’s name was used instead of “I”.

b)      Taemin reflects a slap happy author

11)  Proper structure- 11/15 pts

a)      It is always a good idea to put the last bit from the previous chapter again at the beginning; it helps readers remember what happened in the previous chapter and allows for clarity without confusion over forgotten plot lines.

b)      There shouldn’t author’s notes in the middle of the story like in chapter 9.

c)      Characters speak in their own paragraphs and ideas are mostly separated from other ideas

12)  Dialogue- 3/35 pts 

a)      When people yell don’t write in capital letters, try to use descriptive words at the end of the dialogue to show the intensity of their tone.

b)      Since the story goes along a darker and more mature theme the dialogue should have been kept to the minimum. This reflects how older readers will think more than speak and it also adds to the drama. 

c)      The characters speak in their own paragraphs 3pts

d)     Every word they speak is practically fuck. Variation must be added to their vocabulary.

e)      What they say is pretty much pointless

f)       They talk way too much! Your description is actually good, but the dialogue makes everything seem stupid.

13)  Title- 5/10 pts

a)      So Taemin is the cat, and the milk is his come, that is what I am assuming, but the title isn’t very relevant to the story other than it having sexual indications.

b)      Chapter titles are simple and explain what the chapter is about after Taemin and Jonghyun start their lessons, but before they were sort of crude and took from random parts in the chapter.

14)  Hidden meanings- 5/25 pts

a)      Everything is voiced out very clearly and other than the confusing history between characters there aren’t any hidden clues

b)      Minho and Jonghyun’s relationship?

c)      Jinki and Taemin’s relationship?

d)     Key and Taemin’s relationship?

e)      The fourth person? I don’t think it is Key because he worked at the auction.

15)  Forewords and introductions- 9/15 pts

a)      The foreword is lacking greatly. Wait, I mean the description is lacking because your foreword is an apology about not writing often.

b)       The description should be a short snippet to draw in readers. As you should know, the description is the part that is shown when readers browse fanfics, but the foreword is what people look at for more information.

c)      After the length of your story was extended, simply change the information, otherwise it looks messy and unorganized.

d)     The “foreword” in extremely brief and in no way shows how you write. A foreword really should demonstrate your writing skills so that the reader can judge whether they want to read or not. The only thing your reader has to go on is that short intro.

e)      Luckily it was interesting enough. But if I was a reader I would not have subscribed just yet. 1pt

f)       Taemin’s introduction of himself was actually very good. He didn’t state who he was bluntly and parts about him were given out. 4pts

g)      Everyone was introduced with good description and not obvious clues to who they were. 4pts

16)  Smut- 7/10 pts

a)      Never reviewed smut before, but it should be fairly simply, I hope.

b)      Umm, readers love foreplay and drawn out pleasure, so the whole vibrator punishment was perfect, except if there had been more details about the pleasure Taemin was feeling it would have been much better

c)      Minho didn’t even get any, so his role in the threesome was almost nonexistent, he should get a bigger role (it is 2min), maybe some double penetration like Taemin accidently suggested or at least have Taemin give a better blowjob

d)     The ribbon cockring was sort of nice, I expected a tie, but a ribbon is just a good. When people have cockrings the act of dry orgasming makes readers jittery. Also, the pain of not being allowed to cum would have driven us insane.

e)      Smut plays an important (if not the main) role in the fic and should be thought out well. When you throw something in there try and use it, like the forgotten aphrodisiac.

f)       The bondage was mentioned, but it didn’t actually play a big part in the sex

17)  Literacy elements (metaphors, alliteration, similes, personification, irony, foreshadowing, hyperbole, allusions, repetition, paradox, etc.) 3 pts

18)  the author grew as an writer and gained experience and knowledge- Bonus 0pts . It seems that the first chapter was actually the best because of the writing style and how the description went over. Then Taemin opened his mouth and as he would say, it was FUCK.

19)  reader's comments- no points awarded

a)      actually, on another one of your stories I know for a fact my comments have not been very creative because I didn’t really have much to say about the chapter. A lot of readers do the same on this story with a “SMUT!” or Where’s the 2min?” and a “Jjong was hot!” However, there isn’t a lot on how you wrote or how the story is going, because you are already aware that there is a major lack of one. There were a lot of simple “Update soon!” because readers didn’t have much to say anyway.

b)       In a chapter where nothing relevant happens, they have nothing relevant to say.

c)      On only smut filled chapters some readers will have reservations on writing comments because some people don’t want to come off completely perverted, by the way, the ribbon was a nice touch.

d)     There is a lot of disappointment with the lack of 2min (mind you, they aren’t my OTP so I was not disappointed at all)

e)      Some questions to what happened to the other vibrator Jonghyun had, where did the aphrodisiac go…

f)       It is plain that people are mainly reading because it is a smut fic and not because there is any storyline to think about.

g)      There was actually a comment that stood out to me that really had me rethinking the way you wrote it, but this was one of the earlier comments before Taemin started acting like happy-go-lucky teen, so this clearly proves that things were actually written better when it was about the actual story and not the rush into sex

h)      This really should be marked as a comedy as well because people found the idiocy of the characters as funny

i)        People do wish to see more of Onew and Taemin’s history, and they have forgotten that Key works for Onew, but you need to include his history as well, otherwise you should never have mentioned it.

144+3/345

147/345

43%

YOU MUST MARK THIS AS A JONGTAE BECAUSE THERE IS JONGTAE SEX!