munjae's ♢ Cheeky Devils ♢

Author: munjae
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/257639/cheeky-devils-comedy-fantasy-friendship-romance-you-exo-exom

Basically you have been reading fanfics since Exo debuted? That explains a lot, actually. You are making a lot of mistakes that most writers make in their first few months of reading and writing, which means you are progressing perfectly.

The more you read fanfics the more you’ll realize that all these graphics and extras that other people put in aren’t necessary at all. You don’t need to put pictures of the characters or list their qualities, just give the readers a taste of the fic. They want to read the fic based off of how well the story is, not how pretty you can make your foreword.

And you might see it in other fics, especially those silly featured ones, but notes about not plagiarizing the fic are unnecessary. It’s already a big rule on AFF and there is no reason to draw attention to it unless your fic has been plagiarized before. While the storyline has been done before, no one is going to doubt you created the story on your own. That’s just a pet peeve of mine though.

Some simple basic rules

1)      No character profiles

2)      Don’t change the alignment of the font or the font itself

3)      Plagiarism/copyright claims aren’t necessary

Congratulations, you have the talent to write! I got this just from the description of the buildings in chapter one. You slipped in and out of past tense, but it was overall written well. I wish you had put that in your foreword instead of your character profiles. The story’s description makes the fic sound very cliché because the storyline can be found in many other fics. This section in the foreword can immediately reverse that notion because it sounds intelligent, well written, and interesting.

Just an extra tip if you are a real try-hard. The old lady that came from under the desk, think about developing her a little more. When she isn’t fazed by JiMin’s scream, is it because it didn’t bother her or is she short of hearing? I want to lean towards the latter so that any loud noises she and the boys make in the apartment can go unheard, for instance, JiMin screaming in chapter 3. You want to think about these little details so that you don’t have too many loopholes.

You also don’t need such large gaps between the end of your chapters and your author’s notes. That forces the reader to scroll more than they want to.

I’m not even an Exo fan and I thought they were adorable when they first met JiMin. Their curiosity of her as a human is… I don’t even know how to describe it, like a kid playing with a small animal for the first time? Your characterization is pretty good, especially since I don’t hate JiMin.

There are some inconsistencies like you said there would be. You’re just going to have to work on including enough details from point A to point B so that it does flow better. For instance, in chapter six the introduction of the bullies is really abrupt. You’re going to have to work on including who these bullies are, how JiMin knows them, and why they dislike her so much.

Chapter three, when JiMin and Exo meet officially, they act very childishly. Their yelling back and forth, especially JiMin, gets very annoying very quickly. Kingsley influenced you? I’ll admit, he makes me chuckle. I laugh because I can hear him in his youtube videos, but in written form, it just comes out stupid. This happens a lot with many things writers include in their stories. They see something in a drama or on TV or even in real life and they try and copy it without realizing that they only thought it was good because of the visuals telling them it is realistic. For instance, if you watched a drama about a girl dressing up and going to an all male school, you can believe it. Reading about it sounds wrong and makes you question what this bullshit is.

You shouldn’t let these things influence your writing too much, try and stick to one form of writing. Chapter 1 was really descriptive and Chapter 3 is full of skips and wackiness. I think you should have gone more into how adorable Exo are as demons. JiMin’s reaction didn’t have to be so exaggerated, maybe more overwhelmed with the demons popping out of nowhere.

I know all of Exo-M’s names, Exo-K, that’s a work in progress. I know their faces, some of their personalities, traits, and body types, but it was still hard for me to distinguish between who was who. It was frustrating that you introduced them in chapter 5. I would rather you had made the first few chapters longer so that the introduction came sooner. Exo is a group with growing popularity, which means that are consistently gaining new fans that don’t really know them that well and this will trouble them.

Not even going to talk about chapter 7. I just hope that JiMin teaches them how to act more human in the near future.

One last thing. You don’t need to put symbols in your title, it’s already eye-catching. If you really think it’s not good enough, your description should help pull in readers too. That’s why you really need to make both sound good.

Final Analysis: Based off of your foreword and description I would not have read your fic, but the actual story is so cute that I am considering reading more.

It’s great that you can update every day, but your updates are short. Instead of updating so often, you should really take the time to really focus on the details of your story. Your plot isn’t developed enough. I recommend that one of these evil forces try and attack JiMin soon so you can go deeper with this story. That will really make this fic your own and not as similar to other stories. Definitely continue this school thing and interacting with Exo as demons and not humans.

Considering you have only been writing for a few weeks, and only reading for a few months, you have done incredibly well. Your story is interesting and your only mistakes were those three little ones I listed above. Just gain some more experience and you will do great. 

Zberrypie's Valiant Attempt

Author: Zberrypie
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/241533/

Remember, you asked me to find the cliché parts, so I tore your story apart finding them.

Standard stuff: Don’t use character profiles. That means you shouldn’t put up a picture (or pictures in this case) for each character, and you shouldn’t put up their entire life story which could possibly ruin the story for an unsuspecting reader. As I am a suspecting reader, I did not read them more than a quick skim through stalker Luhan’s. Reasons this is important? So as not to spoil the story for an unsuspecting reader, these notes are better for your use, not them. Show the readers how well you can write through your story. And if your fic really has cliché elements, these descriptions will reveal them and turn away many readers.

You and your beta need to work hard on the grammar. It’s tough, but little mistakes like verb tense can also scare away readers. Reread often and look for errors if you can. Also, try to address Yoona as more than just ‘Yoona’ and ‘She.’

Is this Cliché: Some parts aren’t so much cliché as simply worded weird so it comes out over the top. For instance,

This wasn’t what she wanted-no. She studied hard and got her degree, she pursued her studies in psychology in hope to be an efficient profiler but she couldn’t make it. Not when she needed money to pay her parent’s debt off, not when she needed to find a job, not when the money wasn’t enough. She stopped her studies, and with the education she had right now, this was the best she can be. She was a journalist in a very famous media company, she worked for their newspaper section and she had heard from her friends that it was a fast-paced job. ^[1]

It’s a very famous media company but the connotation of the words makes it seem like her job is lacking. Yeah, it’s not what she wanted, but if she plays her cards right, she can really rake in some dough. Even if she was working as just an intern –which really makes more sense than getting a job in the newspaper section right off the bat- someone in need of money would show more gratefulness, despite her high expectations of herself.

Yoona’s job comes off as prestigious and this makes it seem like it was easy for Yoona to not have the proper education and land the job. That continues in a direction of Yoona having superior skills to all the other applicants in need of a job and hunting for her position. Glorifying characters, while this isn’t quite that yet, can make the character bland despite all their astounding qualities.

In some ways, yes, that is a little cliché.

Is Yoona running into Kai cliché? It happens often, that is true. Seohyun’s obvious attraction to Kai and Kai’s coldness? Yes, these twists and character traits are overused as well. Should Yoona have slammed the Starbucks receipt on Seohyun’s desk, yes, she should have. Starbucks is expensive. Have I read a few college psychology books, indeed I have, is there something a little off about Luhan, indeed there is. He’s not a stalker, just a really creepy ex-boyfriend.

The moment when Kai first acknowledges Yoona’s presence, yes, this part is very cliché.

Kai was surprised, that someone would actually go against his wish. No one had ever go against him, except his parents and he was impressed by the feisty girl in front of him. ^[2]

This is everywhere. Rich guy gets spoiled, girl doesn’t give him what he wants, and he takes an interest in her. Seen it a million times. Even the way he describes her, “feisty girl,” is a very common description. So Kai is rich, big deal, there is always going to be some other rich guy. Luhan is rich, Kai is rich, and it’s not a big deal. To make Kai more human and less of another stereotype, give him friends that treat him as an equal, his parents aren’t enough.

In fact, making Luhan and Kai rich is just has cliché written all over it. This particular trait didn’t really bother me until the above mentioned part. When you emphasized it, you made it unreal and cheesy. Yoona is poor. Luhan is rich. Luhan likes her and wants to pay for her debts. Kai is rich, Kai is interested in her. Two rich guys liking poor little Yoona? And they’re all pretty to boot.

“However the physical evidence shows otherwise as they was no signs of struggles, “ He muttered as he flipped through his folder. “My partner and I had interviewed her mother and apparently she had depression since a year ago when they house was burnt down, alongside with her father. But her depression was only mild and she was actually coping well. We did not know what pushed her towards the edge. We assume that it could be someone affecting her emotionally, giving her a pushed inside.” He looked up at Yoona once more and smiled. “In fact my partner and I are going to visit her best friend later to find out more information before making a actually hypothesis, do you want to come along?” She immediately stopped typing and looked up, “ Can we???” she breathed excitedly. She loved sloving cases and since she had always wanted to be a detective, if it wasn’t for money therefore this was a great opportunity. Kai looked at Yoona amused by her eager and enthusiastic. Sehun laughed and nodded his head, “Both of you can take a break, my partner will arrive soon with more details of her best friend and then four of us will proceed together.” ^[3]

Here is an example of things working out incredibly well for Yoona. No. This would never happen and the fact that it is adds onto that perfect scenario cliché. Sehun would not allow Yoona and Kai to “come along.” Their tagalong would compromise the investigation. Besides, reporters are not the police’s best friends. Insides scoops on the investigation could also lead to a mistrial, among other things. Anyway, detective and psych analyst are two different things. It actually looks like three different paragraphs in one, (it should be three because the speakers switch back and forth), and looks clustered.

Remember, two speakers are not allowed to speak in the same paragraph.

Another cliché, Amber and Krystal living together in an apartment at the age of seventeen. Considering that housing in Korea is expensive, I don’t think two seventeen year old girls would be able to afford that on their own. In the past Krystal was a bitchy twelve year old? Okay, this is believable, but that manner it is told in makes it very banal.

Next, Kai, Yoona, Sehun, and Luhan all having dinner together after this. They went to the police station at 10 AM, waited half an hour for Luhan, didn’t talk that long to Krystal, and are having dinner? Lunch, dear, lunch. But in normal circumstances they wouldn’t be having any meal together like this. Yoona and Kai would have gone back to the office to work on their report. No meal, these people aren’t friends, they are just brief associates.

Another cliché, skipping what could have been a productive day at work to play games at an internet café.

One more cliché: Sehun and his interaction with Kai and Yoona. He is a detective/police officer person thing and he is acting unprofessional when these circumstances are dire. There is a dead girl out there and he is making jokes about Yoona being more focused on the case instead of him. Thank goodness there was that awkward coffee moment leading to the actual case.

And Yoona’s pmsing in chapter 7 was a tad bit over dramatic. It’s part of her character, so I’ll let it go.

Analysis: Despite everything I wrote above, the problem with your story is not the cliché element that likes to pop out every few paragraphs (and in the characters) but in the plot development. The story should focus more on the fake suicide case if the fake suicide is significant. If somehow the case aids in Yoona’s romance, then it needs to be played up a little more. One thing is for sure, you really need to keep them working. They have a job, and since you mentioned it being fast paced, I assume that means taking on more than one report to do at a time. They shouldn’t waste their time, so add in small comments that show they are actually doing their jobs.

One part that really needs more focus is Luhan and Yoona’s history. They were a happy couple, but now they are apart? Give some hints throughout the story as to what happened. Luhan still loves her, perhaps a little too much, and he is right, relationships don’t just end because she says they do.

Kai, at this point I can’t even guess what his role in the future will be. He’s still only interested, and I’m kind of hoping it stays like that.

Another problem is their relationship with each other, Yoona, Luhan, Kai, and Sehun. It’s odd, unprofessional, and unrealistic, especially when it comes to Sehun being happy to share information and Yoona and Luhan working together.

All in all, I don’t think your story would be one that someone wouldn’t continue reading. If they get passed the foreword and start reading, I think they would be interested enough to continue reading and subscribe, maybe comment if they have the courage to do so. Your story isn’t bad, the grammar needs a lot of work, but you already know that and have a beta, so it’s okay. I don’t know, work on these parts and you should feel better.

^[1] Chapter 1

^[2] Chapter 3

^[3] Chapter 3

hopeleslyconfused's Time's Lost Princess

Author: hopeleslyconfused
Link :http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/236279/time-s-lost-princess-action-drama-fantasy-iusinger-romance-shinee-historical

You said I could do a helping review, so I am.

Foreword Page: I recommend that you don’t change the font style of your description and foreword just because. The real reason is that it, one, irritates some readers when the font isn’t default, and in the case of your description, it causes problems. For the description, 200 characters are allowed in the preview, but if you change the font the numbers of characters seen is less, and that means less for the readers to judge whether or not they want to read the fic or not.

The description reveals way too much information. It sounds more like a prologue that sets up the story and would have been better in the foreword, especially since the foreword is just a continuation of that intro summary.

Yes, it is definitely rushed and doesn’t have the proper description for each action. Your really need to slow down and describe things one by one, second by second even. Describe what the horse saw to make it fearful, describe the feeling of being thrown of the horse and free falling over a cliff. Write about what the readers wouldn’t already think, don’t summarize it down to one paragraph. Remember, the length is never too long.

Never ever, ever, do character profiles. Okay, just stating their name and title as Prince or Brother would have been acceptable, but you also included a picture for them. There is absolutely no reason to include a picture of SHINee, nor of the girl. I’m sure every single reader can imagine what a Korean girl in a hanbok looks like.

You should be a little careful about the names you chose for their past. Park Jungsu? That’s Leeteuk’s real name. It could cause some confusion.

Chapters: Really work on varying which word you use to start the sentences. Something often seen with fics written in first person is the continual use of “I” to start sentences.

The foreword and description definitely spoiled too much considering they summarize the first few chapters.

I’m glad you touched on the social differences between men and women, and I wish you had gone more into this direction. At this time, I expect a woman to be very timid but she is confident, that’s where it doesn’t fit. She knows she shouldn’t be defiant but she is defiant anyway?

Her initial meeting with Key and Jonghyun is really weird. I think the boys would have claimed ignorance and try to leave the Dambi behind instead of taking her to a hospital. Realistically I can see her wandering and seeing all these other new things. Maybe she’d almost get hit by a car due to her curiosity and Key and Jonghyun saved her and took her to a hospital, but that conversation leading to the hospital was just to unrealistic.

Great job with her fascination with modern devices. The road, the cars, the lights, even paper money. You can go really far with that, but not too far because that would be irritating. Dambi can notice all these novelties, and the longer she stays in the modern era the more she understands their functions.

In chapter five the order of your paragraphs are incohesive. The second paragraph is about Mihyun’s reaction to Dambi and the third paragraph is about how she got to the house. It doesn’t flow well.

I seriously hope that Mihyun stays a friendly character because her interactions with Dambi have been very sisterly and sweet. When she first asked about Dambi’s relationship with the two boys I was concerned about her, but she has proven to be a very understanding person. If Dambi had to tell anyone that she is actually from the past, I’d like it to be Mihyun.

Why are chapter four and five in italics? You should change that.

No, this fic isn’t that original, but it is one that you can easily make your very own. Just take a moment and think it out and really try to trip your readers up. What will be the next thing for Dambi to discover? Is there some sort of underlying plot to all of this, or are her interactions with the modern world all you have to offer for the fic? Are Mihyun and Dambi going to fight for Jonghyun’s love? What? What is the actual storyline?

Princesses, witches, time travel, they have all been done before. It’s up to you to really wow the readers. How will of this play a part in the fic? Will she try and get a job and get fired because she was too much of a princess? Will the witch curse her? Make sure that all the information you have included is actually significant to the story. There’s a painting of her as a princess? That painting better come into play later, even if just in a museum and shocking the daylights out of some unsuspecting boy.

It might be difficult, but picture yourself in Dambi’s position. You’ve traveled about 1600 years into the future and there are these new contraptions and five guys that look very familiar to you.

This is rushed. From getting the horse and falling off the cliff to going to the hospital, buying clothes, and living with Mihyun, so many things have happened in the short span of five chapters. Your chapters aren’t that long either. Focus on what is important for the story and what exactly your story is about. At this point it is unclear where you want the story to go because you have included so many things that probably aren’t necessary. You have to cut down on the unnecessary parts and really make a story. Otherwise it is just a repeat of hundreds of previous fanfics with the same storyline, same characters, and same writing style.

It’s interesting, the rest is up to you. 

esteem's Chameleon Mannerism

Author: esteem
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/236258/chameleon-s-mannerism-oneshot-taemin-hurtcomfort

If you want to attract readers, your description really needs to be something that can draw readers in. It has to be more than just one sentence. By looking at your foreword and skimming a little, I can tell that your grammar is slightly off. I’ll revise your prologue so you can see the little mistakes you are making.

The clock's pendulum was swinging; its hands pointed at the numbers four and number twelve. The sky gradually turned into a dark shades of orange, red and honey maple syrups.

Putting down the paper -that which scripted the date, the session's time, the patient's name, and his/her problem- given by the administration staff, I stretched my backs and mentally gave myself a pat for.  I put on my glasses and opened a brand new page of my reports book. 

Today's session had been the most interesting session in the history of working as a psychotherapist.

Your grammar isn’t too off, and it could easily be fixed with a beta reader, another user willing to read your fic and correct your mistakes. Throughout the actual oneshot it wasn’t too noticeable, though.

The timeline and flow of your story is okay, it’s not like it skips around too much. There was never a moment when I thought to myself, “When in the world did this happen?”

The plot is actually wonderful. It’s great in that it is so relatable to readers of all ages. Finding and expressing our true self is one of the struggles that we all face. Kids and teens fitting in with the cliques at school, adults fitting in with their coworkers and neighbors, we all face these challenges. Going with Taemin in this direction was a great idea. It’s been one of my concerns about how Taemin was going to outgrow his sweet and shy image.

You could have elaborated more on the doctor. Male or female, doesn’t really matter, but I would have like to learn a little more about them. Not to the point where the focus of the story goes from Taemin to the doctor, but enough to show how the doctor reacts to Taemin’s dilemma. An experienced doctor wouldn’t see Taemin’s crisis as to severe, almost expected because of his occupation; whereas a less experienced doctor, like I assume this one is, would have a bigger reaction.

The lack of actual dialogue was a nice change and it probably made the oneshot better than if you had made Taemin and the doctor actual speak back and forth.

So right now you’re at that point where you are just brushing the surface. You are giving Taemin’s emotions, but you are not showing them. Show how Taemin conflicted between listening to his company’s demands and finding his true self. Because it is something so relatable, you need to dive in more. I can picture it right now, a moment where Taemin wants to tease his Hyungs but he’s been told he just needs to smile and look pretty.

All in all, you made a great connection between finding oneself and a chameleon changing color. It was a very smart idea, and that last sentence was a really inspiring ending.

If I had to give this a grade it’d be an A. 

Sone19's "I'm Better!"

Author: Sone19
Link:http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/229982/i-m-better-jonghyun-key-minho-onew-shinee-taemin-minhoxoc

As much as color is pretty, do not change the font color of your text. The change the font itself, and also don’t change the size. More experienced readers and writers hate to see that. It makes them feel like you spent more time decorating your story than you did writing it. I’ve heard complaints of people getting headaches and nausea and also not being able to read text because they’re colorblind, so just try and keep it black.

Now for the photos, you chose good pictures, but they aren’t necessary. The readers know who Minho and Jonghyun are, and it doesn’t matter to know what Alice and her friend look like. Instead of using photos to show their looks, you should take your time to describe them in the fic. It shows off your talent as a writer to be able to make the readers properly imagine the characters.

Do not list the character’s traits like you’ve done in the description. You do this in the actual fic and build up their character. How you include these traits and how you make them important and embellish on them affects the overall quality of your fic. This is once again to highlight your skills as a writer and show that you can create a person and actual show them off in the fic.

All together, I didn’t even read your description or foreword other than that small info at the top. The character profile was pointless and the foreword was too cluttered. When you have multiple persons speaking, separate their speeches, even if it makes the foreword longer, separate them. Remember, the foreword is where you want to prove to the readers that you can do more than produce fangirl babble. It showed the traits of the characters and set up the story, but it wasn’t written well. Clean it up a bit, elaborate more on this defining moment, and it’d be fine.

Topping off of chapter 1, don’t say whose POV it is. It can be Billy Bob Joe’s POV and I don’t want to be told it’s Billy Bob Joe’s. It’s your job as the writer to be able to portray who is narrating without having to point it out directly. That’s the same with flashbacks and location changes, these don’t need to be pointed out, and you need to ease into it for the readers.

For things like a story or a paper for school, unless it is long, always write out the numbers. You have 2 instead of two. Even with time. Other grammatical errors are “sense” instead of “since” and whatnot, these could easily be fixed with some proofreading and editing. Maybe get a beta or just try and catch them yourself. Don’t abuse your punctuation like exclamations, ellipsis (…), and future abuses that might come. Overusing them causes their effectiveness to go down. Especially those ellipsis, they become meaningless instantly when you use them for every pause. Thinking back, I believe a dash (-) is more appropriate. Finally, avoid writing complete words or sentences in all caps when showing someone is yelling. It makes the scene childish. Just use your descriptive words. Alice yelled threateningly across the hall, anger overcoming logic. Something like that.

Onto the characters. Alice is a bully and is super arrogant. She might be better than Minho at sports, but she doesn’t have to flaunt it, so bitch. It might be what makes her really expressive and outgoing, but she needs a reality check, so bitch. Her actions are over the top and unrealistic and it becomes really cheesy to read. You’ve done a good job at expressing her character, but I personally don’t like her and I’d probably want to kick her in the lady parts if I met her in real life.

To make her likable to people like me, you need to expand on her positive points. Go more into how she is protective of her friend, how she doesn’t back down from a challenge (even though it’s a flaw, her acknowledging it could be seen as a positive point), her need to stand up against bullies and social norms. Also, acknowledge her flaws. Her arrogance and her bratty attitude when it comes to Minho, both of these make her real and could later turn into a weakness which makes her all the more real.

You’re very creative with your insults, and they amuse me.

If you had elaborated more on the section in the foreword, the situation in chapter one would have made more sense. So far, it’s a surface level fic. You need to develop things more, creatively include some background information, describe the surroundings and what everyone else is doing, and have some back thoughts. The idea is interesting, but you’re not focusing on it well enough. You’re throwing the story at the readers and just telling them what is happening from one second to the next.

Chapter two: Don’t change color, don’t change font size, don’t change POVs. Don’t use more than one POV per chapter if you are going to change them. It’s annoying to see them switch around. You might not have done this, but many writers tend to repeat things when the POVs change.

Your story if one big comedy, and if that is what you’re aiming for, you’re on the right track. Everything is so completely unrealistic that I can see a lot of people liking it. It’s not to my taste because I don’t like stories that defy common sense, but it has the potential to be popular. Think things through a bit more and I’m sure reality will start to sink in.

Overall, the story is interesting, but you are making all the beginner mistakes.

TL;DR

1. Don’t change the font, color, or POV

2. Don’t use character profiles, elaborate in the fic

3. Don’t exaggerate the scenes too much, portray them realistically

4. Show the readers that you can write well

5. Develop the storyline, it’s a good one

6. Try and write more, even if you have other fics, just update later if needed

Good luck with your fics, and enjoy it while it's fun!

Renzei27's Does That Answer Your Question

Author: Renzei27
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/228180/does-that-answer-your-question-friendship-oneshot-romance-you-exo-lay-yixing

The Oneshot was very interesting, but you haven’t quite nailed what a Oneshot really is. For a short fic like this it’s better to emphasize the goody details rather than have several underdeveloped events. It’s more like you tried to tell a long story in the space of one chapter, and that has you cutting out some important details and keeping unnecessary fillers.

You should have touched more into how she started giving Lay lessons. During the lessons their actual interactions and conversations would have helped display how their affections for each other were going. What came out instead was “There’s this strange kid, he speaks Chinese, I speak Chinese and English, I’ll teach him English. Oh he is impossible to teach, but his habits are kind of cute. This is the second month of me teaching him and I really like his few habits.”

When writing oneshots over a long period of time, I recommend that you choose specific events that you really want to get across to the reader. What you’ve done is mention these events in one or two sentences, cutting off the significance of these moments. The first elaboration I would have liked to seen was during the second week when she asked him where he was always going. That time could have been used to showcase more of his habits in an actual lesson and her frustrations with his inability to learn.

Another part that should have been developed more is how suspicious it is that he is leaving all the time. When it got to the part where he revealed he is an alien, I was certainly surprised, but not in a good way. You can surprise them with introducing a new concept that goes against what they believe, and then you can surprise them with something totally absurd. It was absurd to me that he was an alien because there was nothing previously mentioned that could have led to that conclusion. If you had done a little bit more to make that stand out instead of having the girl dismiss it as if it was trivial, it would have been cleverer to me.

With their relationship, you do a lot of repeating and summarizing. We as readers should be able to read something and understand the consequences of the actions happening. When she got over her need to hog him, you didn’t need to state that, you could have just shown that by her interacting more with his friends, and maybe even joking around about a future English lesson.

If this was longer, maybe split into one or two more chapters, you probably could have used all you had and really nailed it. With this oneshot, you should have focused your fic on one of two things, either their relationship as friends into lovers, or Lay’s alien status and their transition to lovers, not both. It would have worked either way.

 My Scenario: You were tutoring this strange new transferee when you noticed some weird things about him. These abnormal habits grew on you… It came as a shock to you when you saw him healing the plant. This guy promised to be your friend, but now you’re scared.

“Don’t be afraid, I love you.” Kiss.

“Kiss me again for your answer.”

My Scenario 2: You were tutoring this lonely new transferee, dedicating all your time to him in vain, he really struggled with English. He had these quirky habits when he studied, and soon, the constant exposure to these helped your affections grow for him. As his English got better, he became more social and your place as his friend was threatened. To protect your hurt feelings, you started giving him the cold shoulder. Your absence alerted him, and he confronted you.

“Don’t ignore me, you are my everything.” Kiss.

“Kiss me again for your answer.”

It’s very clear that there are two different stories going on at once. It’s not difficult to keep up with, but it isn’t cohesive. By eliminating one of these factors, you could have really expanded more on those important details.

Now the last section is written the best for a oneshot. It perfectly expresses emotions and sensations without emphasizing the story too much, so it makes me feel things. The last section is also the section that honestly does not need to be in the oneshot whatsoever. Nothing would change if you took it out. It’s probably better to leave your readers hanging in this sense instead of giving them every single piece of information.

If the entire fic had been very detailed, then it would have been important to tie up those loose ends, but seeing as how the oneshot is more of an emotional rollercoaster, it’s better to leave that ambiguous ending from their confessions.

To summarize all of this:

1. Try to elaborate more on certain portions of the oneshot instead of summarizing and explaining. Show, don’t tell.
2. Try to focus on one storyline, or work on incorporating them together
3. Oneshots are either information splurges and twists, or they are emotions and short love stories
4. With ‘you’ fics, do not overuse the words ‘you,’ and ‘your,’ and try not to start too many sentences with “you.”

Your story was creative and it seems that you really thought it out. I can see that you tried hard with making sure that you went over all the stops. Readers could use a little push towards thinking, so don’t be so easy on them! Continue writing and you will grow tremendously as a writer. 

jisuschrist's GD⊤ Vol. 2

Author: jisuschrist
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/177633

1)      Title-6/10 pts

a)      I assume your title means that GD and TOP will form a duo again, but otherwise I am not sure what the title is referring to

b)      The title itself is kind of bland and simple, it doesn’t really attract my eye

c)      Chapter titles were good, highlighting the important parts of the chapter for the story

2)      Foreword and Introduction-12/15 pts

a)      “it’s” in the description should be capitalized, even if it is a quote from Chapter 6

b)      It is very eye catching, but there should be a little more in the foreword to either show more of your process of writing or a small snippet of the fic.

c)      I’m not exactly sure what the fic is about and the foreword doesn’t help.

3)      Command of POV-10/10 pts

a)      No problems here

4)      Proper structure-15/15 pts

a)      Good job not changing the color or font to something obnoxious.

b)      Flashbacks are included appropriately           

5)      Proper Grammar-8/10 pts

a)      There is a slight inconsistency with tense. You should get a beta (another user) to read over your chapters before you post them.

Ex: So each of them walked down their own paths, but Jiyong stays. 

Should be: “Each of them walked down their own path, but Jiyong stayed.”

b)      Several sentences, more than I would let pass, start with the FANBOYS (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) words. Using them too often makes everything sound like a list. And he did this. But that happened. So they retaliated like this. For him it was awesome.

c)      Also, some of your sentences are worded awkwardly, as if you meant one thing but it came out wrong. The message is conveyed, but there is a small “What?” moment.

6)      Focuses on one thing at time-14/15 pts

a)      It skips around slightly, but it all ties back together.

b)      The flow is only interrupted when you don’t smoothly transition between two different moments.

7)      Dialogue-35/35 pts

a)      You don’t tell the story through their conversation

b)      Everything said is relevant

8)      Character Development-50/50 pts

a)      You’ve done a good job describing Jiyong’s emotions and thought process

b)      Same with Seunghyun’s, I actually understand them

c)      Their actions and interactions showcase their feelings splendidly, you did everything right

d)     There were times when I was cooing at Jiyong’s cuteness and applauding Seunghyun’s maturity

e)      You’ve done well with contrasting what is going through Seunghyun and Jiyong’s heads in the same scenes. Like in Chapter 5 when they were on the couch.

9)      Creative-25/25 pts

a)      It wasn’t overly obvious, you did well with keeping things fresh and new

b)      It’s wonderful how you have a these small unique parts that make the story your own (the flavors, the ice cream, their song making, the cigarettes, Jiyong’s hair color)

10)  Not Cliché-20/20 pts

a)      Band breakup is a fairly uncommon idea for bands that are still young and at their peaks so it was nice to see for Big Bang

b)      The few questionable parts added in were easily twisted to reflect your story and not reflect some other GTOP fic out there

11)  Good Storyline-28/30 pts

a)      The story is very good, it’s original

b)      The flow is a little slow, like there is no defining climax early on that stands out clearly from the rest. It could arise in future chapters, but right now it isn’t there.

12)  Followable Plot-14/15 pts

a)      It is very easy to follow, the only confusing parts are when things skip around and haven’t been explained immediately

13)  Sticks to Plot-9/10 pts

a)      At this point, I’m not entirely sure what the main focus of the plot is. There are layers to it. Their romance, the bands breakup, and Jiyong’s destruction.

b)      It’s good to have all of this, but I can’t really judge the progression of the story well if I don’t know what the focus is.

c)      Of these three, they are really well developed and intertwined perfectly

14)  Things Make sense-48/50 pts

a)      The only thing I found strange was Jiyong leaving the studio for a day. Things might be laid back in this business, but no one cared that he wasn’t there?

15)  Hidden Meanings-25/25 pts

a)      I like how one thing will stand for something and then later mean something else

b)      There is also that part about knowing and understanding that forces readers to actually read to understand what it means. Great way to keep your readers reading. Emphasize this more in the future?

16)  Author grew as a writer- 5

a)      You didn’t grow as much as write consistently well throughout the fic. You made me feel something and really connected me to the characters and their situation.

b)      You also understand an OTP and how readers react. It’s not so much about how they fall in love but the fact that they love each other and have to struggle to keep each other.

17)  Readers’ comments- no points awarded

a)      You deserve every single comment.

b)      Those comments reflect how I feel

c)      Bro, all the feels

I was hovering over the toilet, not sure if I was going to vomit or not, when I remembered I hadn’t done your review yet. I set Friday as the deadline for myself, and, alas, here was Friday with no review done. Your fic isn’t hard to read, in fact, it is the style I like the best. Angst, broken bands, unsure feelings, and raw emotions.

You write really beautiful, emotional sentences and I’m looking forward to more.

319+5/335

324/335

97%

jessicaliana's My Caring Guardians

Author: jessicaliana
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/209290/my-caring-guardians-comedy-friendship-korean-romance-you-exom

Well, looking at the foreword, you are doing a few really silly things. First of all, you don’t need disclaimers saying “I do not own any characters and similar plots are a coincidence. This story is from my imagination, I did not copy from anyone else.” It’s silly and a waste of space. Same for the plagiarizing and copyright part. Your fic is not copyrighted and you don’t own the idea. You especially can’t claim copyright when you don’t own the pictures used.

Also, you are using character profiles. I always say that people shouldn’t use them because the pictures take up a lot of unnecessary space and they reveal too much about the characters, which yours does. You want readers to think you write well, and you can prove that my developing the characters throughout the fic. If you do really want to use the profiles, keep the descriptions to a minimum and resize the photos to be smaller, way smaller.

Try to think less about what makes a good person and go for what makes an interesting and realistic character. Young Mi’s personality seems surface level, really try to dive into those emotions and thoughts properly. The description for the boys, well, it seems just like Exo instead of actually made up people. That’s fine in a band fic, but you’ve taken Exo out of their idol life, throw in your own creative twists.

You should include more about what the story is going to be about or about the process of writing. From the foreword, I’m not really interested in reading the fic. I see you are now entering your second year on AFF, so compare how writing a year ago is to writing now. Or you can write about how you came up with the characters and plot (without revealing too much). If that doesn’t fit your style, then just copy a part from one of the chapters and give the readers a taste of what is too come.

Now onto Chapter 1. In the beginning several of the sentences started with ‘You,’ so work on varying up the word choice. It is a little difficult in ‘you’ fics, but keep at it.

When Young Mi was being bullied you could have done more to make it a point that she has no one there to help her and she faces this regularly alone. When Suho was saying it, his words came out as repetitive. The saying is that Actions speaks more than Words. The whole process of walking into the bookstore again and reading whichever books she wanted could really be embellished. You started to, but you didn’t go all the way through. Their time spent book mending could have also shown the routine they follow and their closeness if you had gone into that more. That being said, do actually describe the actions in detail: full body movements, body directions, habitual movements. Write in the moment.

While you want to add more to those parts, stop having the characters disclose so much when they are speaking. If you had developed the bullying part more Suho wouldn’t have had to ask if she was bullied again, instead he would have just known because he knows her so well. Same with how he calls out her anti-social behavior.

Little side note, when characters are thinking, try using italics instead of asterisk, those little star things (*).

You are doing a good job with keeping track of the character relationships, the social standings, the feelings, and the family history. It’s wonderful that you have all of that planned out and ready for the story, just work on incorporating this information into the story cohesively instead of just telling the readers things. 

pandoraSV13's When It Rains Angels are Crying

Author: pandoraSV13
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/82471

1)      Title-9/10 pts

When It Rains Angels are Crying

a)      The title is good and connects to the readers, but it should be in literary present, but it is okay if it is not. Also, a comma is needed after “Rains”. A lot of reviewers will say not to put those it, but the title needs to be correct. As long as there aren’t ellipses, dashes, etc.

b)      Ex: When It Rains, Angels Cry, or Angels Cry When It Rains

2)      Foreword and Introduction-15/15 pts  

a)      Description is perfect

b)      Foreword is absolutely fine.

c)      The warnings were fine, and they even got me excited. Usually though, readers laugh at an author that thinks they can write an extreme. However, they are still necessary for those that want fluff, so good job!

d)     Linking to related fics is also helpful.

3)      Command of POV-10/10 pts

a)      Very good, it doesn’t change abruptly in the middle of chapters or even between chapters. It is so organized and much easier to read this way.

4)      Proper structure-15/15 pts

a)      One of the things I like is that you don’t openly say FLASHBACK. Very good job with not doing that. Also, I’m glad that you chose to make it bold instead of another color of font. Very pleased with that as well.

5)      Proper Grammar-8/10 pts

a)      Your grammar does not make me want to tear out my hair by the roots. There aren’t any obvious mistakes that disrupts the flow of the story.

b)      In a couple of places you abuse punctuation like the ellipses (…) instead of a dash.

c)      The word choice was repetitive in some areas and sometimes out of place.

6)      Dialogue-35/35 pts

a)      You didn’t have the characters talk too much, which was good because it would have killed the mood completely and made everything so much less intense.

b)      In the flashbacks the things they say don’t make sense because they’re not explained, but they sound pretty amazing.

7)      Focuses on one thing at time-9/15 pts

a)      Both stories, the flashbacks and the KangTeuk, are strong individually and aren’t cohesive. The flashbacks don’t correlate with the pervious or following chapters. Everything would have flowed better if both were part of one chapter and the flashbacks related to what was going on whether by something happening to trigger a memory or a flashback hinting or explaining a following scene. This is actually one of the issues that makes the flashbacks rather confusing.

b)      Other than that, there aren’t many skips in the middle of a chapter that could lead to misunderstandings.

8)      Character Development-45/50 pts

a)      While all the characters are developed and understandable, especially Kangin (that simple fool), Leeteuk’s personality is still sort of mysterious and puzzling. You don’t explain enough about his personality before other than he was the “Dark Teukie” and that he has changed but not really. It is easy to guess what he was like, but you need to show it better.

b)      The characters seem very natural and their actions don’t come off as over the top and cliché.

c)      There are clear contrasts between the characters. Kangin is a simple minded person (at least that is how he comes off to me) and Leeteuk is a very self conscious person. Yunho is confident and strong, but caring. Eunhyuk (did he not have friends before meeting Kangin?) is the typical lackey and best friend. Yesung… ever the comic relief.

9)      Creative-25/25 pts

a)      There is wonderful syntax throughout the story that makes it in very in depth and serious. It’s wonderful to see compared to all the other mindless Super Junior fics about simple love and laughter.

b)      It is very original and definitely not something similar to other fics besides the whole gangs/abused child/fighting/weird school corruption bit going on.

10)  Not Cliché-17/20 pts

a)      The idea of gangsters and living in a boarding school is rather overused, not to mention orphans too, but the story is presented in way where it is not irritating and overdone. You tried very hard to make it sound realistic and for the gangster to sound completely coldhearted.

b)      To further make the story realistic, examples of common gang life, in addition to the fights and gangs war going on, would have been helpful.

11)  Good Storyline-25/30 pts

a)      The story is wicked twisted and so hard to follow but once a reader gets into it, they can’t stop.

12)  Followable Plot-8/15 pts

a)      The flashbacks happen too abruptly and nothing leads into them. Where the flashbacks take place is also difficult to catch, so I often picture Leeteuk and whoever is with him fighting in an empty white room.

b)      The flashbacks also aren’t linear, and that makes it even harder to focus on each idea presented. It skips around too much for a story that updates by chapter, and even if your fic was a real published book, it would be difficult to follow.

c)      As the story goes on, everything starts to unravel and make more sense, and the present part of the story made the flashbacks understandable.

13)  Sticks to Plot-10/10 pts

a)      While the plot is a little unclear due to those flashbacks, it does stick very well. There weren’t any other couples falling in love and all that jazz.

b)      Not only does it stick to the plot, but the mood of the chapters doesn’t vary too much. There weren’t moments where something done at the end of the chapter ruined the horrific mood at the beginning. A lot of authors struggle with this and you managed to keep that flow.

14)  Facts are straight-40/50 pts

a)      When and where did Doo-Joon meet Leeteuk and develop this fascination with him?

b)      What is up with his crazy obsession with sin and Teukie being an Angel meant to cry for humans?

c)      What exactly does Doo-Joon think, why does he do all that he does? His actions don’t make sense. He doesn’t have a reason behind them other extreme insanity and ruthlessness.

d)     This is more of, you have a very good idea what is going on, but you haven’t explained it to the readers. There are a lot of loose ends that need to be resolved.

e)      What happened with Doo-Joon? Leeteuk came back, Kangin become a new club manager, then the end.

f)       What is up with the underground tunnels? Why are they such a big deal? What is their importance or necessity in the plot? What is Moon Hee-Joon’s importance in the fic?

g)      What happened with Nichkhun? Where did he go? What was he doing?

15)  Hidden Meanings-25/25 pts

a)      Readers consider Leeteuk an angel and it is more heartbreaking to read of his struggles as sort of fallen angel.

b)      I had a really big “Ah-ha!” moment in chapter 23 when Leeteuk shouted “YOU’RE THE ONE WHO DID THIS! YOU FUCKING BASTARD YOU KILLED HIM—!” I was able to make a few more connections.

c)      This story is so full of allusions and hints that allude to something else, it’s brilliant. Kudos to you.

16)  Author grew as a writer- 5

a)      After chapter 1 you were consistent with your writing and actually made things even more interesting.

17)  Readers’ comments- no points awarded

a)      I was using smileyfaced_demon72’s comments to actually confirm my understanding of the fic.

i)        What I get from chapters 1-23: Leeteuk is an ex-gangster that garnered the fascination of Doo Joon, another gangster. Doo Joon would kidnap Leeteuk and torture him, claiming that he was purifying the boy from taking humans sins and that Leeteuk himself was an Angel. He could capture Leeteuk because his best friend, Nichkhun, was actually on Doo Joon’s side and betrayed him. Yunho was one of Leeteuk’s allies, as well as Daehyun. After Daehyun’s death, Leeteuk joined a school for students like him and then those training in the arts. Leeteuk reformed and became a model student, joining various student associations with Yunho. In the following sophomore year, Kangin enrolls as well due to some misbehaviors. Kangin and Leeteuk are roommates and feelings begin to form. There is a new student teach, Choi Seunghyun, who is oddly suspicious. At the same time, the KangTeuk relationship is furthering into kisses. At the Halloween rave, a group of gangsters crash the party and wreck the place. Yunho and Leeteuk know of Seunghyun’s part in the plan and follow him. After getting side-tracked by Kangin, Leeteuk finds Yunho on the verge of fainting and fights the two men he encounters, Seunghyun, then revealed as T.O.P, and GD. They aren’t aware, but Kangin witnessed Leeteuk breaking T.O.P’s fingers and is scared. He starts avoiding Leeteuk afterwards.

ii)      What I get from the rest of it: Kangin doesn’t like Leeteuk because he is a murder. Leeteuk is getting worse. Doo Joon torturing Leeteuk. Doo Joon torturing Leeteuk. Doo-Joon accidently killed Daehyun, didn’t really care. Doo Joon torturing Leeteuk. Doo Joon bathing and feeding Leeteuk. Leeteuk takes sins or people die. Kangin is a huge jerk. Kangin trips and hurts his foot, Eunhyuk discovers a secret door. Either his light bulb burned out, or the battery died. There are tunnels under the school from the war times. Which war in which country? Who knows. Leeteuk knows that Kangin knows. Evidently the tunnels were used by a club. Moon Hee-Joon allowed the club to run. Those students were expelled. Kangin finds Leeteuk’s scars. What. Yunho gets kidnapped. Leeteuk goes to save him. Leeteuk raped by Yunho. Kangin confused. Leeteuk asleep for three days, says they need to stay away from each other. Kangin agrees to start up some club again, signs contract. Leeteuk at some school orientation thing, confused about that. Leeteuk and Kangin say goodbye?

b)      You didn’t have more subscribers and comments because your story was too intense without anything to balance it out. Like when reading Tale of Two Cities, by the end, readers are weeping and the amazing plot holes and resolution. Your beginning is too confusing and it doesn’t really get any more understandable as things go on.

ok now im up to chapter 19 and im a bit less lost, but still pretty fucking confuzzled...
was teukie a real angel?
if not why does doojoon think he is?
and where did teukie live before going to the school?
and why was he able to be kidnapped so much and why did he never call the police???
Is yunho an angel too?
and just what the fuck is doojoon? is he the devil or something???
please help!

c)      Not quite what I had thought, but shows that your story still needs clearing up.

296+5/335

301/335

90%