Author: ChocoChips321
Very good job! The oneshot isn’t crazy. Key wasn’t mentioned as a diva directly and was portrayed only slightly as such with descriptions. Grammar is pretty good, no major mistakes that I remember or see at a glance.The idea behind this is cute and funny, and the perverted joke earns a laugh. You really took some time in keeping this real to an extent. There was only one issue, the party with all those idols.
The party would have been more believable if it wasn’t an actual party. I don’t really see SHINee having a break long enough for an extravagant gathering to take place. Their idol position already prevents them from doing extreme events. A small party between SHINee and maybe a few other idols from SM would have been understandable (not Super Junior because they are doing promotions for their fifth album repackage), but not from all those different companies all together on a boat.
Mentioning the individual names of the idols was also sort of unnecessary. That is an overload of names that many readers don’t know. It’s wonderful to see that you know of these groups, but really, they didn’t need to be mentioned. And the possibility of all these idols having the evening off is, once again, a long shot. This is the same as reading a fic and having to learn the name of all thirty students in the class. Usually only two or three matter, in this case the five members of SHINee, and the rest are unimportant. Even during the dance off the names didn’t need to be stated, it was overwhelming.
A major problem I see with this is the fact that it is a birthday oneshot for Key, but you wrote from Jonghyun’s perspective. Considering this fact, there was very little Key at all. To use Jonghyun’s point of view, there needs to be more of an emotional tie to Kibum to make this meaningful, otherwise it really seems like he is just buying a present and being the normal airheaded Jjong. By sticking with Jonghyun’s POV, a lot of Key’s actions don’t make sense unless thought about for a second.
Plotwise, the fic is very safe. You’ve taken a complete 180 of your normal writing, making this actual a little boring. I am aware that you are trying to please me to some extent and keeping it safe, but there has to be more of a plot. It was in general extremely summarized and short, there weren’t that many fluffy details that engage the readers.
The most interesting thing that happens, minus the slight JongKey interactions, is when Jonghyun “forgets” Key’s present. His paranoia before isn’t developed enough as it is and isn’t that clear. It is easy to take in, but the ideas aren’t easy to connect. If that is the most interesting thing, something went wrong. There is toning it down, then there is turning it bland. It is okay to exaggerate on some things. You did well with messing up the party with the music problems and the likes. Most of the times authors keep the party going without a hitch, in this case, you thought realistically, parties never go by without something messing up.
Now that you’ve gotten more of a realistic story going on, use the fluffy words to make it sound interesting. Life is generally boring until a certain view is used to see it. Right now, you are showing the readers a bland look at SHINee’s life, even if it is filled with parties as presents. Make the party appealing, have the reader feel the beat of the music in the dance off and stare in awe at Key’s birthday cake. Using those descriptive words! Every sentence can have more depth. Otherwise, they are simple and plain.
The sentences don’t make the reader say “wow,” it’s the hidden joke with the earphones that do that. The plot is only part of what appeals to readers, the varied sentences are what keep them hooked to the end, even more so if the plot is done right, yes.
Taking in how much you have improved and all the above in mind, I’ll give you an 85 for this review. Good job, your score has improved 42 points from your first review, though this one was very informal.
