Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/82471
1) Title-9/10 pts
When It Rains Angels are Crying
a) The title is good and connects to the readers, but it should be in literary present, but it is okay if it is not. Also, a comma is needed after “Rains”. A lot of reviewers will say not to put those it, but the title needs to be correct. As long as there aren’t ellipses, dashes, etc.
b) Ex: When It Rains, Angels Cry, or Angels Cry When It Rains
2) Foreword and Introduction-15/15 pts
a) Description is perfect
b) Foreword is absolutely fine.
c) The warnings were fine, and they even got me excited. Usually though, readers laugh at an author that thinks they can write an extreme. However, they are still necessary for those that want fluff, so good job!
d) Linking to related fics is also helpful.
3) Command of POV-10/10 pts
a) Very good, it doesn’t change abruptly in the middle of chapters or even between chapters. It is so organized and much easier to read this way.
4) Proper structure-15/15 pts
a) One of the things I like is that you don’t openly say FLASHBACK. Very good job with not doing that. Also, I’m glad that you chose to make it bold instead of another color of font. Very pleased with that as well.
5) Proper Grammar-8/10 pts
a) Your grammar does not make me want to tear out my hair by the roots. There aren’t any obvious mistakes that disrupts the flow of the story.
b) In a couple of places you abuse punctuation like the ellipses (…) instead of a dash.
c) The word choice was repetitive in some areas and sometimes out of place.
6) Dialogue-35/35 pts
a) You didn’t have the characters talk too much, which was good because it would have killed the mood completely and made everything so much less intense.
b) In the flashbacks the things they say don’t make sense because they’re not explained, but they sound pretty amazing.
7) Focuses on one thing at time-9/15 pts
a) Both stories, the flashbacks and the KangTeuk, are strong individually and aren’t cohesive. The flashbacks don’t correlate with the pervious or following chapters. Everything would have flowed better if both were part of one chapter and the flashbacks related to what was going on whether by something happening to trigger a memory or a flashback hinting or explaining a following scene. This is actually one of the issues that makes the flashbacks rather confusing.
b) Other than that, there aren’t many skips in the middle of a chapter that could lead to misunderstandings.
8) Character Development-45/50 pts
a) While all the characters are developed and understandable, especially Kangin (that simple fool), Leeteuk’s personality is still sort of mysterious and puzzling. You don’t explain enough about his personality before other than he was the “Dark Teukie” and that he has changed but not really. It is easy to guess what he was like, but you need to show it better.
b) The characters seem very natural and their actions don’t come off as over the top and cliché.
c) There are clear contrasts between the characters. Kangin is a simple minded person (at least that is how he comes off to me) and Leeteuk is a very self conscious person. Yunho is confident and strong, but caring. Eunhyuk (did he not have friends before meeting Kangin?) is the typical lackey and best friend. Yesung… ever the comic relief.
9) Creative-25/25 pts
a) There is wonderful syntax throughout the story that makes it in very in depth and serious. It’s wonderful to see compared to all the other mindless Super Junior fics about simple love and laughter.
b) It is very original and definitely not something similar to other fics besides the whole gangs/abused child/fighting/weird school corruption bit going on.
10) Not Cliché-17/20 pts
a) The idea of gangsters and living in a boarding school is rather overused, not to mention orphans too, but the story is presented in way where it is not irritating and overdone. You tried very hard to make it sound realistic and for the gangster to sound completely coldhearted.
b) To further make the story realistic, examples of common gang life, in addition to the fights and gangs war going on, would have been helpful.
11) Good Storyline-25/30 pts
a) The story is wicked twisted and so hard to follow but once a reader gets into it, they can’t stop.
12) Followable Plot-8/15 pts
a) The flashbacks happen too abruptly and nothing leads into them. Where the flashbacks take place is also difficult to catch, so I often picture Leeteuk and whoever is with him fighting in an empty white room.
b) The flashbacks also aren’t linear, and that makes it even harder to focus on each idea presented. It skips around too much for a story that updates by chapter, and even if your fic was a real published book, it would be difficult to follow.
c) As the story goes on, everything starts to unravel and make more sense, and the present part of the story made the flashbacks understandable.
13) Sticks to Plot-10/10 pts
a) While the plot is a little unclear due to those flashbacks, it does stick very well. There weren’t any other couples falling in love and all that jazz.
b) Not only does it stick to the plot, but the mood of the chapters doesn’t vary too much. There weren’t moments where something done at the end of the chapter ruined the horrific mood at the beginning. A lot of authors struggle with this and you managed to keep that flow.
14) Facts are straight-40/50 pts
a) When and where did Doo-Joon meet Leeteuk and develop this fascination with him?
b) What is up with his crazy obsession with sin and Teukie being an Angel meant to cry for humans?
c) What exactly does Doo-Joon think, why does he do all that he does? His actions don’t make sense. He doesn’t have a reason behind them other extreme insanity and ruthlessness.
d) This is more of, you have a very good idea what is going on, but you haven’t explained it to the readers. There are a lot of loose ends that need to be resolved.
e) What happened with Doo-Joon? Leeteuk came back, Kangin become a new club manager, then the end.
f) What is up with the underground tunnels? Why are they such a big deal? What is their importance or necessity in the plot? What is Moon Hee-Joon’s importance in the fic?
g) What happened with Nichkhun? Where did he go? What was he doing?
15) Hidden Meanings-25/25 pts
a) Readers consider Leeteuk an angel and it is more heartbreaking to read of his struggles as sort of fallen angel.
b) I had a really big “Ah-ha!” moment in chapter 23 when Leeteuk shouted “YOU’RE THE ONE WHO DID THIS! YOU FUCKING BASTARD YOU KILLED HIM—!” I was able to make a few more connections.
c) This story is so full of allusions and hints that allude to something else, it’s brilliant. Kudos to you.
16) Author grew as a writer- 5
a) After chapter 1 you were consistent with your writing and actually made things even more interesting.
17) Readers’ comments- no points awarded
a) I was using smileyfaced_demon72’s comments to actually confirm my understanding of the fic.
i) What I get from chapters 1-23: Leeteuk is an ex-gangster that garnered the fascination of Doo Joon, another gangster. Doo Joon would kidnap Leeteuk and torture him, claiming that he was purifying the boy from taking humans sins and that Leeteuk himself was an Angel. He could capture Leeteuk because his best friend, Nichkhun, was actually on Doo Joon’s side and betrayed him. Yunho was one of Leeteuk’s allies, as well as Daehyun. After Daehyun’s death, Leeteuk joined a school for students like him and then those training in the arts. Leeteuk reformed and became a model student, joining various student associations with Yunho. In the following sophomore year, Kangin enrolls as well due to some misbehaviors. Kangin and Leeteuk are roommates and feelings begin to form. There is a new student teach, Choi Seunghyun, who is oddly suspicious. At the same time, the KangTeuk relationship is furthering into kisses. At the Halloween rave, a group of gangsters crash the party and wreck the place. Yunho and Leeteuk know of Seunghyun’s part in the plan and follow him. After getting side-tracked by Kangin, Leeteuk finds Yunho on the verge of fainting and fights the two men he encounters, Seunghyun, then revealed as T.O.P, and GD. They aren’t aware, but Kangin witnessed Leeteuk breaking T.O.P’s fingers and is scared. He starts avoiding Leeteuk afterwards.
ii) What I get from the rest of it: Kangin doesn’t like Leeteuk because he is a murder. Leeteuk is getting worse. Doo Joon torturing Leeteuk. Doo Joon torturing Leeteuk. Doo-Joon accidently killed Daehyun, didn’t really care. Doo Joon torturing Leeteuk. Doo Joon bathing and feeding Leeteuk. Leeteuk takes sins or people die. Kangin is a huge jerk. Kangin trips and hurts his foot, Eunhyuk discovers a secret door. Either his light bulb burned out, or the battery died. There are tunnels under the school from the war times. Which war in which country? Who knows. Leeteuk knows that Kangin knows. Evidently the tunnels were used by a club. Moon Hee-Joon allowed the club to run. Those students were expelled. Kangin finds Leeteuk’s scars. What. Yunho gets kidnapped. Leeteuk goes to save him. Leeteuk raped by Yunho. Kangin confused. Leeteuk asleep for three days, says they need to stay away from each other. Kangin agrees to start up some club again, signs contract. Leeteuk at some school orientation thing, confused about that. Leeteuk and Kangin say goodbye?
b) You didn’t have more subscribers and comments because your story was too intense without anything to balance it out. Like when reading Tale of Two Cities, by the end, readers are weeping and the amazing plot holes and resolution. Your beginning is too confusing and it doesn’t really get any more understandable as things go on.
ok now im up to chapter 19 and im a bit less lost, but still pretty fucking confuzzled...
was teukie a real angel?
if not why does doojoon think he is?
and where did teukie live before going to the school?
and why was he able to be kidnapped so much and why did he never call the police???
Is yunho an angel too?
and just what the fuck is doojoon? is he the devil or something???
please help!
was teukie a real angel?
if not why does doojoon think he is?
and where did teukie live before going to the school?
and why was he able to be kidnapped so much and why did he never call the police???
Is yunho an angel too?
and just what the fuck is doojoon? is he the devil or something???
please help!
c) Not quite what I had thought, but shows that your story still needs clearing up.
296+5/335
301/335
90%
