link http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/21295/dong-bang-oneshots-jaemin-jaesu-minsu-yaoi-yoomin-yoosu-yunjae
Dong Bang Oneshots by xcaandiihearts
His regret: the only really big issue is the use of the song lyrics. Readers usually skip these sections because they don’t really add onto the story. The lyrics in this oneshot were actually very important, but I remember when I first read I didn’t read the lyrics and just used context clues to guess what had happened. You see, when you put lyrics in a fic, you pull the reader out of the story for a moment. Once the lyrics are finished it takes a moment for the reader to get back into it.
There were two really cliché moments. The first was Yunho calling Jaejoong a girl. This exact scene has been done so many times that it is boring. The other is Jaejoong dying in the end. That was obvious.
Do not change the color of anything except lyrics and author’s notes. Many different colors look childish and unprofessional. Even then, I don’t think writing in color is appropriate at all.
Charm Bracelet: You could have gone a little further into Yunho standing out in the rain to play on him being deeply hurt by the separation as well.
Otherwise, it was overall good, even the smut.
Memories: Just a little too “Romeo and Juliet”ish. The method of suicide is the only problem here. Death by self mutilation is actually not that common. Cutters using cutting as a way to relieve themselves of their troubles, not hurt themselves. In the case of suicide, overdosing would have made more sense. For a quick death, shooting oneself, hanging, jumping off a building, even drowning. Cutting was the only one that worked in this situation, I know. I’m sure you could have worked it out somehow.
Bracelet: Running into each other and knocking each other down is overused. So is a terminal illness. Jaejoong’s illness was way too sudden and didn’t fit in with the rest of the oneshot at all.
Happy Valentines~: Smut is smut
Changmin’s Birthday: NEVER CHANGE POVs IN THE MIDDLE OF A CHAPTER! It was okay fluff.
My Sweet Rhapsody: Smut is smut, obsessive fangirls are overused.
Baby, you’re arrested: I thought this one was actually creative.
Nine: Try and find a better way to incorporate these lyrics into the oneshot because often times what happens is the reader sees them and skips them entirely. They do that with one sentence, two sentences, a short stanza, a whole poem. If it is not incorporated into the story itself they ignore it and move on to the story.
Instead, try putting the lines into the actual paragraphs. If you want to make it clear that the phrase is part of the larger poem, put it in italics or another color. Do not change the font though. You can still put the full poem or lyrics at the beginning or end, I encourage that actually, because there will be those that do read it. For those that will skip it, it will come as an amazing realization of what you were doing.
Otherwise, it was okay.
Mirotic: Okay
Stand by U: A lot of your oneshots have similar themes, being in a relationship but not together anymore. Try to change up the storylines a bit more. Even though it is a oneshot, try to include more history and details so that it isn’t so generic. Even though you are trying to make the song fics have the same feel as the song, what readers expect from a song fic is just another story. It doesn’t have to have the same tone as the song, as long as it tells the story.
Ice Cream: It was cute and fluffy, but the part with the ice cream vender loving his sister and having a gay son was a little too much. It could happen, but it takes away from YunJae and the wrongness that the relationship is overcoming is toned down to the point that they seem like a normal couple. Otherwise it was fine.
Not for anyone: This is a perfect example of less is more. There isn’t any unnecessary distracting plot, only Jaejoong caring and Changmin causing Jae to worry. Drabbles like this are the best, they are able to tell a story and leave the reader thinking.
Angelic Halloween: Smut is smut. This is my opinion because I have read a lot of YunJae smut, but when Jae is being slutty and dominating, he needs to be just a bit more demanding, less like a girl and more like a whore in heat. It is just as good on the opposite side of the spectrum, Jaejoong being sort of innocent and fully comfortable in female clothing and really embarrassed. But your smut is really good, are you sure you are only that old?
Of crayons and Unicorns: This is really, really cute fluff, but if you want to surprise readers, make Yunho the unicorn drawer. It is always interesting to give them different characterizations. I’ve read tons of fics with Jaejoong being an absolutely feminine guy, and after awhile it has been done too many times. This was fine though.
Gay for my Dongsaeng: The smut was really good, Jaejoong trying to deny his desires, those are always interesting. Incest was an added bonus. It was kind of unclear about who was topping. At first I thought Junsu, then maybe Jaejoong, and then oh it was Junsu. Jaejoong acted very immature at times, like with the mentioning of churros. Sex is usually better when you can see the deeper, darker side to it. There can always be that spin on the story if the plot requires it. In this case, it was an incest story, and that is one of those things that readers might not find as acceptable as normal homosexuality, so deeper, more mature thoughts would have been better.
Also, the straight out mentioning of pubic hairs was a major turn off. The hairs brushing up against his ass was okay, Jaejoong saying he waxes but Junsu was hot, that was too far. There are certain things readers prefer not to read about (unless the mood is set right). That is the same as hypothetically saying when Junsu pulled his cock there was shit on it.
Conclusion: Unless I said otherwise, basically everything else was very good. There weren’t any moments where I screamed about the impossibilities of something happening or got irritated with your grammar. Don’t change the color or the font, you’ll be fine.
There was the occasional “I’ve read this a couple of times before,” but there are so many YunJae fanfics out there, it is inevitable. There are certain themes I’ve noticed in Jaejoong paired fics. In YunJae there is always a big struggle and conflict, but they usually end up together and in love. Jaejoong is either characterized as either very diva-like, studious and poor, or feminine. YunJae is very much a man-woman relationship.
Often times with JaeMin, Jaejoong will usually be the gay one, and more often than not, he is just a normal gay. Changmin will either be straight and in denial, or played around with by Jaejoong. Their conflicts are more about Changmin feeling slightly like an outcaste, or Jaejoong feeling like an outcaste, and one of them has to help the other overcome their internal conflicts.
I find with JaeSu, one of them has made a mistake and they have to correct it or they’ll lose the other. Jaejoong will usually be the dominating one, but not always. Their relationship is sometimes like YunJae’s, except not as intense.
If you ever write JaeChun, I am an expert on them.
This is just in general. Of all the hundreds of fics I read, that summarized a lot of them.
