Undankbar's Turning the tables review

Review for Turning the Tables by Undankbar
story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/9659/turning-the-tables-korean-onew-shinee-thriller-you

1)      Good Storyline- 25/30 pts

a)      This is very much just a One shot split into different sections. While the plot is interesting and original, it was left empty. Things seemed to missing, and that was SHINee’s reaction as everything went on. Things aren’t rushed and it isn’t drawn out. Everything was “this is what is happening, deal with it.” 25 pts

2)      followable plot- 14/15 pts

a)      It was very easy to follow the plot because of the way the chapters were separated. There were some parts where a scene skipped and there were no leading sentences. In Paranoid the changing sentence appears to just be ENOUGH! The story is going back from her explanation to her in real time, but the change is a little abrupt because the beginning fit in so well that the flow was interrupted. That happens in a few places. Otherwise there are no events that can’t be explained for and everything does fit together.14 pts

3)      proper grammar- 6/10 pts

a)      There are some instances when a comma was used instead of a semicolon. “I started running, running until my lungs gave out.” The comma before the second running should be a semicolon because they are both complete sentences with no FANBOY transition word. (For, and, nor, but, or, yet)

b)      Other moments had missing commas like “I was hopelessly lost in the outskirts of Seoul but it was silent.” A comma should be included before the ‘but’.

c)      A few sentences are run on and continue when they should have ended halfway through.

d)      There a few cases when you used the wrong word like ‘but’ instead of ‘and’, or you made a spelling error like ‘whole’ instead or ‘hole’ when the girl trips and rips a hole in her jeans.

4)      Focus on one thing at a time-13/15 pts

a)      This story only focuses on the stalking and that is very good. It was simple and didn’t stray too much. 5 pts

b)      At first it seems like it is about the girl stalking the SHINee members like the forword implies, then the story goes in a completely different direction. However, the story follows the title of the story well.8 pts

5)      Things make sense- 40/50 pts

a)      Other than the forword not matching the story, everything is okay. There isn’t anything that I would go “Do your research!” on. 40 pts

b)      The only thing that was a little out there was that there weren’t any reporters at her apartment and none of the letters had any razors or any other harmful things in them. -5 pts

c)      Another thing is how Onew reacts to this girl. He follows her for days when he really should be spending his time with other things. Other fans or reporters could be around him, even his manager. -5 pts

6)      Creative- 15/25 pts

a)      Well definitely this is an original and creative story. Stalking is something few attempt but many fail. Most times the person is head over heels in love with them and makes stupid choices with their actions and they end up coming off psychotic. 10 pts

b)      An amazing part was that we got to see a new side of SHINee and read funny little comments from the narrator. I read it out loud and I was able to add a humorous voice to everything and a scared and depressed voice for the thrills. 5 pts

c)      I wasn’t really gasping in my seat at Onew stalking her, nor was I glued to the screen when she was running away. The word choice was good, but I didn’t feel like the words were deep and meaningful enough. You wanted to make this a real thriller so you could have used more exciting words and described things very well with great detail.

7)      Sticks to plot- 9/10pts

a)      Yup, the tables were turned, but the first few chapters weren’t as necessary considering the length of the story. If the story had been longer more background information could have been provided. If SHINee’s perspective was included as well in the beginning and more was included about how they turned the tables on her then it would have been a little more focused. 9 pts

8)      Not cliché- 18/20 pts

a)      It is not cliché. Going through trashcans and sneaking into buildings could have seemed more original if description was added about the actions. Stories require description to take away from the overused plots, not that I am saying stalking is overdone. This all could have been better if the story was longer. 18 pts

9)      Character Development- 50/50 pts

a)      There is a strong development with the girl. She is willing to share her stalking knowledge, she looks down on obsessed fans that hate her for doing something they are too afraid to do, and she is smart by thinking of ways to avoid her stalker and to even be able to stalk them. At the same time she is able to get scared in times of trouble and stoically try and avoid all problems. She is able to hold face in front of a judge and doesn’t get fazed by hate mail. These are all very important things that I am glad you put in.

b)      She’s original and different from the other characters. 5 pts

c)      All the characters play their part properly. Onew is an antagonist/main and the girl is the protagonist. The other 4 members don’t play an important part and they don’t need to. 5 pts.

d)      This girl had clear flaws mentally. Her entire thought process is a flaw. The same way, I was actually able to find flaws for all 5 guys. 15 pts

e)      Onew was obviously not stalking the girl publicly so that was a public vs. private part. The girl wasn’t that different, but this was short and I think she was a little crazy so she didn’t need to be. 10 pts

f)        The shinee members changed from scare to proactive and the stalker did become scared from something even though she wasn’t frightened by the mail. 10 pts

g)      None of this really follow the stereotypes. Dubu wasn’t a soft tofu and this stalker wasn’t begging for them to have sex with her. 5 pts

10)  Good command of POV- 9/10 pts

a)      The only thing was in the last chapter it isn’t really from the narrators point of view because they aren’t there. 9pts

11)  Proper structure- 15/15 pts

a)      Hmm, I would like to say you should have written longer paragraphs and included more information, but this is overall short so that will just count as your writing style. Overall it was good.  15 pts

12)  Dialogue- 35/35 pts 

a)      The necessary amount of speaking was there and it fit in nicely. 10 pts

b)      It didn’t take away from the plot. 15 pts

c)      The dialogue didn’t tell the story J 10 pts

d)      The talking fit in with their age group and their ways of speaking. 5 pts

13)  Title- 10/10 pts

a)      Fits the story well and the plot always goes back to it. Chapter titles also tie to the chapter in their ways. 10 pts

14)  Hidden meanings- 20/25 pts

a)      The entire is a hidden meaning obviously. The ending with Onew’s idea is also a great way to flashback on the story and gives a reminder of the title. 10 pts

b)      Bringing in titles of their songs is a great way to show that you, the character, and the reader all are fans of SHINee. 10 pts

c)      There weren’t that many other things and I think more could have been included. If this fic was longer…

15)  Forwords and introductions- 12/15 pts

a)      Since the story is short is actually good that your forward is short, gives a taste of the theme, and draws in the readers. 5 pts

b)      Some things don’t match with the rest of the story. It is written as if the boy is living with his father while the story is written as if SHINee lives together in a dorm. The character in the beginning seems like she is infatuated with SHINee, but she doesn’t seem to match the characterization for the rest of the story. 2 pts

c)      Characters are introduced correctly. We are informed who the speaker is in the beginning and SHINee is introduced by the judge. 5 pts

16)  Literacy elements (metaphors, alliteration, similes, personification, irony, foreshadowing, hyperbole, allusion.) 1bonus point for each element used.  7 pts

17)  the author grew as an writer and gain experience and knowledge bonus of 0-5 points added based on growth and experience 3 pts

18)  reader's comments

a)      Readers obviously wanted a longer story, but you expressed that it would be short so I was ready for that.

b)      You are clearly willing to fix the errors in the story.

c)      Turning the tables, the name of the story.

(291+10)/335

301/335

90%

lucidlies's Help review

Review for Help by lucidlies 

Story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/2872/help-dbsk-jaejoong-korean-oneshot-yaoi-yunho-yunjae

1)      Title-4/10 pts

a)      The title is very simply, not eye catching, bland. Even though it is oneshot, the title should have more appeal to it.

b)      It does hint to what the fic is about

2)      Foreword and Introduction-12/15 pts

a)      For a oneshot, a short sentence like that is really good for attracting readers and not giving away too much.

b)      While one sentence was sufficient to draw readers in, a short paragraph could have been provided to show how kinky the sex was.

c)      There should be a warning about the Het!porn at the beginning.

3)      Command of POV-10/10 pts

a)      No issues here, good job with keeping a consistent POV that did not reflect you as a person.

4)      Proper structure-15/15 pts

a)      Paragraphs were separated properly

b)      Characters didn’t speak in the same paragraph and the writing was not script writing. That is very good.

5)      Proper Grammar-9/10 pts

a)      Your grammar is very good.

b)      For dialogue you can try starting with description more often then having the talking a bit further into the paragraph. For example ↓

“Sorry,” Yunho said, smirking as he invaded Jaejoong’s personal space.

“Yunho, why are you acting like this?” Jaejoong was close to tears, drowning in confusion. “What’s going on?”

“I won’t make it hurt,” Yunho whispered erotically, hot breath ghosting over the pale neck. The grasp around his wrists tightening as Yunho's leg settled between his own, thigh rubbing against his cock. “What do you say, wanna help me out?”

“N-no!” he stammered, cock springing to life.

“Are you sure?” Yunho ground his thigh in sweeping circles. “Because your cock says something else.”

“Nhn…”

c)      I think that should have gone in the structure section, but I already pasted, and I’m not going to move it now. This was actually done in many places, but there were many areas where dialogue followed dialogue.

6)      Focuses on One thing at time-15/15 pts

a)      This is very good. Basically, the flow of your story is strong. Things don’t skip around from het!porn to Yunho coming in to Jaejoong jacking off to Yunho “helping” him. All these events followed the previous and led into the next very coherently.

7)      Dialogue-28/35 pts

a)      For sexual scenes there should be less dialogue than a nonsexual scene to allow for more description of feelings and physical interaction.

b)      There is actually a lot of dialogue in general. Try cutting these down and replace them with thoughts and setting description.

8)      Character Development-45/50 pts

a)      Jaejoong clearly changed from being embarrassed to begging for a fuck.

b)      There were qualities of Jaejoong acting a different way with and without people, like there should always be to give characters a human feel.

c)      Yunho and Jaejoong clearly don’t follow their stereotypes that much.

d)     They had humane flaws in their own ways.

e)      Original

f)       It was clear who was the dominant character and who was the submissive character though proper body language, description, and dialogue.

g)      There weren’t any extra characters! YooSuMin didn’t walk in and demand that Umma make food and Appa entertain them. That is wonderful! A lot of time, extra characters kill the mood, and even cockblock annoyingly.

h)      One issue, there should be a reason for Yunho to incite the help. Simply sexual want? Jaejoong want? Boredom? Otherwise he comes off as a detached and not caring.

“See, helping each other wasn’t so bad, was it?” Yunho said through a yawn.

9)      Creative-15/25 pts

a)      It is actually very obvious what is going to happen. Jaejoong is caught, and then Yunho finds a way to have sex with him.

b)      The het!porn was actually a surprise. Usually it is gay porn, and never that descriptive. Different ideas like this are welcome, but there should be a warning.

c)      The smut is original and not a complete copy of other smuts. Similar but not a copy and definitely written better than many.

10)  Not Cliché-18/20 pts

a)      Porn, and sex in general, is an overused topic, but the piece was written realistically and took away from the cliché aspect. Whenever something is remotely cliché, always go back to the practical side of a story.

11)  Good Storyline-10/30 pts

a)      As a story, this is a good idea, as a oneshot there are many things lacking. The story could and should be elaborated a bit more.

b)      Character interactions are interesting, this is a fun and entrancing situation to find them in.

12)  Followable Plot-12/15 pts

a)      Because grammar is good, the flow is excellent, and sex is appealing, the story is easy to read and finish. Readers will never ask themselves “What just happened?” Things are very clear in that sense.

b)      There is actually a lack of any real plot happening. This to say, pure smut. 95% of this is smut of some sort. To get a big reaction, put in a real storyline, even if only slightly.

13)  Sticks to Plot-8/10 pts

a)      There aren’t any strays and the plot sticks pretty close to helping each other.

b)      The het!porn should have been cut down more because it was just an introduction of the setting. More should have been included on how Yunho made Jaejoong feel uncomfortable.

14)  Things Make sense-40/50 pts

a)      What is the situation with DBSK? Are they normal roommates or in the band?

b)      How did Jaejoong have time to watch porn?

c)      Where did Yunho come from?

d)     Why did Yunho want to “help” Jaejoong and the other way around?

e)      What is the relationship between Jaejoong and Yunho? Are they close to allow this sort of touching to not be too awkward, or very intimate and this was surprise sex, or just friends experimenting?

f)       Many details were left out and made this very, porn without plot actually, almost as if this was written purely to be a smut oneshot.

15)  Hidden Meanings-0/25 pts

a)      There is nothing to leave the reader guessing or wondering. Everything is exactly as it is, smut, smut, smut.

b)      Secretive things, or simply a hidden storyline would have given this an actual plot.

c)      The lack in this area is the main reason for Porn without Plot.

16)  Smut-9/10

a)      This is very good smut, some of the best I’ve read. I’ve read this several times and that already means it was creative and written well.

b)      It is not a full 10 because the talking between Jaejoong and Yunho actually killed the mood just a little. During sex, talking can be a cockblocker.

17)  Literacy Elements- 7pts (1 point for each)

a)      At this moment my list of literacy elements is under construction. I will give you a seven because you describe things wonderfully.

White-hot electricity shot through his veins, his body shuddering with sexual tension. The liquid fire in his lower belly curled around his body, growing almost to the point of becoming unpleasant.

18)  Author grew as a writer- 4 pts

a)      I actually think the beginning was better than the ending because the conclusion is flat and sudden compared to the high description in the beginning with Jaejoong feeling so many things just from watching porn. I sort of expected him to be even more sensitive when actually having sex. Nonetheless, it was still written very well throughout the entire piece.

19)  Readers’ comments- no points awarded

a)      The basic reaction is that this is very “HOT” and the sex was top notch. A sequel would be loved. People, including myself, find it worthy to come back and reread. 

250/345

250+11/345

76%

The score would have been higher if there had been a plot. In fact, I guarantee it would have been an A if there was a plot.