Review for Help by lucidlies
Story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/2872/help-dbsk-jaejoong-korean-oneshot-yaoi-yunho-yunjae
1) Title-4/10 pts
a) The title is very simply, not eye catching, bland. Even though it is oneshot, the title should have more appeal to it.
b) It does hint to what the fic is about
2) Foreword and Introduction-12/15 pts
a) For a oneshot, a short sentence like that is really good for attracting readers and not giving away too much.
b) While one sentence was sufficient to draw readers in, a short paragraph could have been provided to show how kinky the sex was.
c) There should be a warning about the Het!porn at the beginning.
3) Command of POV-10/10 pts
a) No issues here, good job with keeping a consistent POV that did not reflect you as a person.
4) Proper structure-15/15 pts
a) Paragraphs were separated properly
b) Characters didn’t speak in the same paragraph and the writing was not script writing. That is very good.
5) Proper Grammar-9/10 pts
a) Your grammar is very good.
b) For dialogue you can try starting with description more often then having the talking a bit further into the paragraph. For example ↓
“Sorry,” Yunho said, smirking as he invaded Jaejoong’s personal space.
“Yunho, why are you acting like this?” Jaejoong was close to tears, drowning in confusion. “What’s going on?”
“I won’t make it hurt,” Yunho whispered erotically, hot breath ghosting over the pale neck. The grasp around his wrists tightening as Yunho's leg settled between his own, thigh rubbing against his cock. “What do you say, wanna help me out?”
“N-no!” he stammered, cock springing to life.
“Are you sure?” Yunho ground his thigh in sweeping circles. “Because your cock says something else.”
“Nhn…”
c) I think that should have gone in the structure section, but I already pasted, and I’m not going to move it now. This was actually done in many places, but there were many areas where dialogue followed dialogue.
6) Focuses on One thing at time-15/15 pts
a) This is very good. Basically, the flow of your story is strong. Things don’t skip around from het!porn to Yunho coming in to Jaejoong jacking off to Yunho “helping” him. All these events followed the previous and led into the next very coherently.
7) Dialogue-28/35 pts
a) For sexual scenes there should be less dialogue than a nonsexual scene to allow for more description of feelings and physical interaction.
b) There is actually a lot of dialogue in general. Try cutting these down and replace them with thoughts and setting description.
8) Character Development-45/50 pts
a) Jaejoong clearly changed from being embarrassed to begging for a fuck.
b) There were qualities of Jaejoong acting a different way with and without people, like there should always be to give characters a human feel.
c) Yunho and Jaejoong clearly don’t follow their stereotypes that much.
d) They had humane flaws in their own ways.
e) Original
f) It was clear who was the dominant character and who was the submissive character though proper body language, description, and dialogue.
g) There weren’t any extra characters! YooSuMin didn’t walk in and demand that Umma make food and Appa entertain them. That is wonderful! A lot of time, extra characters kill the mood, and even cockblock annoyingly.
h) One issue, there should be a reason for Yunho to incite the help. Simply sexual want? Jaejoong want? Boredom? Otherwise he comes off as a detached and not caring.
“See, helping each other wasn’t so bad, was it?” Yunho said through a yawn.
9) Creative-15/25 pts
a) It is actually very obvious what is going to happen. Jaejoong is caught, and then Yunho finds a way to have sex with him.
b) The het!porn was actually a surprise. Usually it is gay porn, and never that descriptive. Different ideas like this are welcome, but there should be a warning.
c) The smut is original and not a complete copy of other smuts. Similar but not a copy and definitely written better than many.
10) Not Cliché-18/20 pts
a) Porn, and sex in general, is an overused topic, but the piece was written realistically and took away from the cliché aspect. Whenever something is remotely cliché, always go back to the practical side of a story.
11) Good Storyline-10/30 pts
a) As a story, this is a good idea, as a oneshot there are many things lacking. The story could and should be elaborated a bit more.
b) Character interactions are interesting, this is a fun and entrancing situation to find them in.
12) Followable Plot-12/15 pts
a) Because grammar is good, the flow is excellent, and sex is appealing, the story is easy to read and finish. Readers will never ask themselves “What just happened?” Things are very clear in that sense.
b) There is actually a lack of any real plot happening. This to say, pure smut. 95% of this is smut of some sort. To get a big reaction, put in a real storyline, even if only slightly.
13) Sticks to Plot-8/10 pts
a) There aren’t any strays and the plot sticks pretty close to helping each other.
b) The het!porn should have been cut down more because it was just an introduction of the setting. More should have been included on how Yunho made Jaejoong feel uncomfortable.
14) Things Make sense-40/50 pts
a) What is the situation with DBSK? Are they normal roommates or in the band?
b) How did Jaejoong have time to watch porn?
c) Where did Yunho come from?
d) Why did Yunho want to “help” Jaejoong and the other way around?
e) What is the relationship between Jaejoong and Yunho? Are they close to allow this sort of touching to not be too awkward, or very intimate and this was surprise sex, or just friends experimenting?
f) Many details were left out and made this very, porn without plot actually, almost as if this was written purely to be a smut oneshot.
15) Hidden Meanings-0/25 pts
a) There is nothing to leave the reader guessing or wondering. Everything is exactly as it is, smut, smut, smut.
b) Secretive things, or simply a hidden storyline would have given this an actual plot.
c) The lack in this area is the main reason for Porn without Plot.
16) Smut-9/10
a) This is very good smut, some of the best I’ve read. I’ve read this several times and that already means it was creative and written well.
b) It is not a full 10 because the talking between Jaejoong and Yunho actually killed the mood just a little. During sex, talking can be a cockblocker.
17) Literacy Elements- 7pts (1 point for each)
a) At this moment my list of literacy elements is under construction. I will give you a seven because you describe things wonderfully.
White-hot electricity shot through his veins, his body shuddering with sexual tension. The liquid fire in his lower belly curled around his body, growing almost to the point of becoming unpleasant.
18) Author grew as a writer- 4 pts
a) I actually think the beginning was better than the ending because the conclusion is flat and sudden compared to the high description in the beginning with Jaejoong feeling so many things just from watching porn. I sort of expected him to be even more sensitive when actually having sex. Nonetheless, it was still written very well throughout the entire piece.
19) Readers’ comments- no points awarded
a) The basic reaction is that this is very “HOT” and the sex was top notch. A sequel would be loved. People, including myself, find it worthy to come back and reread.
250/345
250+11/345
76%
The score would have been higher if there had been a plot. In fact, I guarantee it would have been an A if there was a plot.
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