munjae's ♢ Cheeky Devils ♢

Author: munjae
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/257639/cheeky-devils-comedy-fantasy-friendship-romance-you-exo-exom

Basically you have been reading fanfics since Exo debuted? That explains a lot, actually. You are making a lot of mistakes that most writers make in their first few months of reading and writing, which means you are progressing perfectly.

The more you read fanfics the more you’ll realize that all these graphics and extras that other people put in aren’t necessary at all. You don’t need to put pictures of the characters or list their qualities, just give the readers a taste of the fic. They want to read the fic based off of how well the story is, not how pretty you can make your foreword.

And you might see it in other fics, especially those silly featured ones, but notes about not plagiarizing the fic are unnecessary. It’s already a big rule on AFF and there is no reason to draw attention to it unless your fic has been plagiarized before. While the storyline has been done before, no one is going to doubt you created the story on your own. That’s just a pet peeve of mine though.

Some simple basic rules

1)      No character profiles

2)      Don’t change the alignment of the font or the font itself

3)      Plagiarism/copyright claims aren’t necessary

Congratulations, you have the talent to write! I got this just from the description of the buildings in chapter one. You slipped in and out of past tense, but it was overall written well. I wish you had put that in your foreword instead of your character profiles. The story’s description makes the fic sound very cliché because the storyline can be found in many other fics. This section in the foreword can immediately reverse that notion because it sounds intelligent, well written, and interesting.

Just an extra tip if you are a real try-hard. The old lady that came from under the desk, think about developing her a little more. When she isn’t fazed by JiMin’s scream, is it because it didn’t bother her or is she short of hearing? I want to lean towards the latter so that any loud noises she and the boys make in the apartment can go unheard, for instance, JiMin screaming in chapter 3. You want to think about these little details so that you don’t have too many loopholes.

You also don’t need such large gaps between the end of your chapters and your author’s notes. That forces the reader to scroll more than they want to.

I’m not even an Exo fan and I thought they were adorable when they first met JiMin. Their curiosity of her as a human is… I don’t even know how to describe it, like a kid playing with a small animal for the first time? Your characterization is pretty good, especially since I don’t hate JiMin.

There are some inconsistencies like you said there would be. You’re just going to have to work on including enough details from point A to point B so that it does flow better. For instance, in chapter six the introduction of the bullies is really abrupt. You’re going to have to work on including who these bullies are, how JiMin knows them, and why they dislike her so much.

Chapter three, when JiMin and Exo meet officially, they act very childishly. Their yelling back and forth, especially JiMin, gets very annoying very quickly. Kingsley influenced you? I’ll admit, he makes me chuckle. I laugh because I can hear him in his youtube videos, but in written form, it just comes out stupid. This happens a lot with many things writers include in their stories. They see something in a drama or on TV or even in real life and they try and copy it without realizing that they only thought it was good because of the visuals telling them it is realistic. For instance, if you watched a drama about a girl dressing up and going to an all male school, you can believe it. Reading about it sounds wrong and makes you question what this bullshit is.

You shouldn’t let these things influence your writing too much, try and stick to one form of writing. Chapter 1 was really descriptive and Chapter 3 is full of skips and wackiness. I think you should have gone more into how adorable Exo are as demons. JiMin’s reaction didn’t have to be so exaggerated, maybe more overwhelmed with the demons popping out of nowhere.

I know all of Exo-M’s names, Exo-K, that’s a work in progress. I know their faces, some of their personalities, traits, and body types, but it was still hard for me to distinguish between who was who. It was frustrating that you introduced them in chapter 5. I would rather you had made the first few chapters longer so that the introduction came sooner. Exo is a group with growing popularity, which means that are consistently gaining new fans that don’t really know them that well and this will trouble them.

Not even going to talk about chapter 7. I just hope that JiMin teaches them how to act more human in the near future.

One last thing. You don’t need to put symbols in your title, it’s already eye-catching. If you really think it’s not good enough, your description should help pull in readers too. That’s why you really need to make both sound good.

Final Analysis: Based off of your foreword and description I would not have read your fic, but the actual story is so cute that I am considering reading more.

It’s great that you can update every day, but your updates are short. Instead of updating so often, you should really take the time to really focus on the details of your story. Your plot isn’t developed enough. I recommend that one of these evil forces try and attack JiMin soon so you can go deeper with this story. That will really make this fic your own and not as similar to other stories. Definitely continue this school thing and interacting with Exo as demons and not humans.

Considering you have only been writing for a few weeks, and only reading for a few months, you have done incredibly well. Your story is interesting and your only mistakes were those three little ones I listed above. Just gain some more experience and you will do great. 

Zberrypie's Valiant Attempt

Author: Zberrypie
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/241533/

Remember, you asked me to find the cliché parts, so I tore your story apart finding them.

Standard stuff: Don’t use character profiles. That means you shouldn’t put up a picture (or pictures in this case) for each character, and you shouldn’t put up their entire life story which could possibly ruin the story for an unsuspecting reader. As I am a suspecting reader, I did not read them more than a quick skim through stalker Luhan’s. Reasons this is important? So as not to spoil the story for an unsuspecting reader, these notes are better for your use, not them. Show the readers how well you can write through your story. And if your fic really has cliché elements, these descriptions will reveal them and turn away many readers.

You and your beta need to work hard on the grammar. It’s tough, but little mistakes like verb tense can also scare away readers. Reread often and look for errors if you can. Also, try to address Yoona as more than just ‘Yoona’ and ‘She.’

Is this Cliché: Some parts aren’t so much cliché as simply worded weird so it comes out over the top. For instance,

This wasn’t what she wanted-no. She studied hard and got her degree, she pursued her studies in psychology in hope to be an efficient profiler but she couldn’t make it. Not when she needed money to pay her parent’s debt off, not when she needed to find a job, not when the money wasn’t enough. She stopped her studies, and with the education she had right now, this was the best she can be. She was a journalist in a very famous media company, she worked for their newspaper section and she had heard from her friends that it was a fast-paced job. ^[1]

It’s a very famous media company but the connotation of the words makes it seem like her job is lacking. Yeah, it’s not what she wanted, but if she plays her cards right, she can really rake in some dough. Even if she was working as just an intern –which really makes more sense than getting a job in the newspaper section right off the bat- someone in need of money would show more gratefulness, despite her high expectations of herself.

Yoona’s job comes off as prestigious and this makes it seem like it was easy for Yoona to not have the proper education and land the job. That continues in a direction of Yoona having superior skills to all the other applicants in need of a job and hunting for her position. Glorifying characters, while this isn’t quite that yet, can make the character bland despite all their astounding qualities.

In some ways, yes, that is a little cliché.

Is Yoona running into Kai cliché? It happens often, that is true. Seohyun’s obvious attraction to Kai and Kai’s coldness? Yes, these twists and character traits are overused as well. Should Yoona have slammed the Starbucks receipt on Seohyun’s desk, yes, she should have. Starbucks is expensive. Have I read a few college psychology books, indeed I have, is there something a little off about Luhan, indeed there is. He’s not a stalker, just a really creepy ex-boyfriend.

The moment when Kai first acknowledges Yoona’s presence, yes, this part is very cliché.

Kai was surprised, that someone would actually go against his wish. No one had ever go against him, except his parents and he was impressed by the feisty girl in front of him. ^[2]

This is everywhere. Rich guy gets spoiled, girl doesn’t give him what he wants, and he takes an interest in her. Seen it a million times. Even the way he describes her, “feisty girl,” is a very common description. So Kai is rich, big deal, there is always going to be some other rich guy. Luhan is rich, Kai is rich, and it’s not a big deal. To make Kai more human and less of another stereotype, give him friends that treat him as an equal, his parents aren’t enough.

In fact, making Luhan and Kai rich is just has cliché written all over it. This particular trait didn’t really bother me until the above mentioned part. When you emphasized it, you made it unreal and cheesy. Yoona is poor. Luhan is rich. Luhan likes her and wants to pay for her debts. Kai is rich, Kai is interested in her. Two rich guys liking poor little Yoona? And they’re all pretty to boot.

“However the physical evidence shows otherwise as they was no signs of struggles, “ He muttered as he flipped through his folder. “My partner and I had interviewed her mother and apparently she had depression since a year ago when they house was burnt down, alongside with her father. But her depression was only mild and she was actually coping well. We did not know what pushed her towards the edge. We assume that it could be someone affecting her emotionally, giving her a pushed inside.” He looked up at Yoona once more and smiled. “In fact my partner and I are going to visit her best friend later to find out more information before making a actually hypothesis, do you want to come along?” She immediately stopped typing and looked up, “ Can we???” she breathed excitedly. She loved sloving cases and since she had always wanted to be a detective, if it wasn’t for money therefore this was a great opportunity. Kai looked at Yoona amused by her eager and enthusiastic. Sehun laughed and nodded his head, “Both of you can take a break, my partner will arrive soon with more details of her best friend and then four of us will proceed together.” ^[3]

Here is an example of things working out incredibly well for Yoona. No. This would never happen and the fact that it is adds onto that perfect scenario cliché. Sehun would not allow Yoona and Kai to “come along.” Their tagalong would compromise the investigation. Besides, reporters are not the police’s best friends. Insides scoops on the investigation could also lead to a mistrial, among other things. Anyway, detective and psych analyst are two different things. It actually looks like three different paragraphs in one, (it should be three because the speakers switch back and forth), and looks clustered.

Remember, two speakers are not allowed to speak in the same paragraph.

Another cliché, Amber and Krystal living together in an apartment at the age of seventeen. Considering that housing in Korea is expensive, I don’t think two seventeen year old girls would be able to afford that on their own. In the past Krystal was a bitchy twelve year old? Okay, this is believable, but that manner it is told in makes it very banal.

Next, Kai, Yoona, Sehun, and Luhan all having dinner together after this. They went to the police station at 10 AM, waited half an hour for Luhan, didn’t talk that long to Krystal, and are having dinner? Lunch, dear, lunch. But in normal circumstances they wouldn’t be having any meal together like this. Yoona and Kai would have gone back to the office to work on their report. No meal, these people aren’t friends, they are just brief associates.

Another cliché, skipping what could have been a productive day at work to play games at an internet café.

One more cliché: Sehun and his interaction with Kai and Yoona. He is a detective/police officer person thing and he is acting unprofessional when these circumstances are dire. There is a dead girl out there and he is making jokes about Yoona being more focused on the case instead of him. Thank goodness there was that awkward coffee moment leading to the actual case.

And Yoona’s pmsing in chapter 7 was a tad bit over dramatic. It’s part of her character, so I’ll let it go.

Analysis: Despite everything I wrote above, the problem with your story is not the cliché element that likes to pop out every few paragraphs (and in the characters) but in the plot development. The story should focus more on the fake suicide case if the fake suicide is significant. If somehow the case aids in Yoona’s romance, then it needs to be played up a little more. One thing is for sure, you really need to keep them working. They have a job, and since you mentioned it being fast paced, I assume that means taking on more than one report to do at a time. They shouldn’t waste their time, so add in small comments that show they are actually doing their jobs.

One part that really needs more focus is Luhan and Yoona’s history. They were a happy couple, but now they are apart? Give some hints throughout the story as to what happened. Luhan still loves her, perhaps a little too much, and he is right, relationships don’t just end because she says they do.

Kai, at this point I can’t even guess what his role in the future will be. He’s still only interested, and I’m kind of hoping it stays like that.

Another problem is their relationship with each other, Yoona, Luhan, Kai, and Sehun. It’s odd, unprofessional, and unrealistic, especially when it comes to Sehun being happy to share information and Yoona and Luhan working together.

All in all, I don’t think your story would be one that someone wouldn’t continue reading. If they get passed the foreword and start reading, I think they would be interested enough to continue reading and subscribe, maybe comment if they have the courage to do so. Your story isn’t bad, the grammar needs a lot of work, but you already know that and have a beta, so it’s okay. I don’t know, work on these parts and you should feel better.

^[1] Chapter 1

^[2] Chapter 3

^[3] Chapter 3

hopeleslyconfused's Time's Lost Princess

Author: hopeleslyconfused
Link :http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/236279/time-s-lost-princess-action-drama-fantasy-iusinger-romance-shinee-historical

You said I could do a helping review, so I am.

Foreword Page: I recommend that you don’t change the font style of your description and foreword just because. The real reason is that it, one, irritates some readers when the font isn’t default, and in the case of your description, it causes problems. For the description, 200 characters are allowed in the preview, but if you change the font the numbers of characters seen is less, and that means less for the readers to judge whether or not they want to read the fic or not.

The description reveals way too much information. It sounds more like a prologue that sets up the story and would have been better in the foreword, especially since the foreword is just a continuation of that intro summary.

Yes, it is definitely rushed and doesn’t have the proper description for each action. Your really need to slow down and describe things one by one, second by second even. Describe what the horse saw to make it fearful, describe the feeling of being thrown of the horse and free falling over a cliff. Write about what the readers wouldn’t already think, don’t summarize it down to one paragraph. Remember, the length is never too long.

Never ever, ever, do character profiles. Okay, just stating their name and title as Prince or Brother would have been acceptable, but you also included a picture for them. There is absolutely no reason to include a picture of SHINee, nor of the girl. I’m sure every single reader can imagine what a Korean girl in a hanbok looks like.

You should be a little careful about the names you chose for their past. Park Jungsu? That’s Leeteuk’s real name. It could cause some confusion.

Chapters: Really work on varying which word you use to start the sentences. Something often seen with fics written in first person is the continual use of “I” to start sentences.

The foreword and description definitely spoiled too much considering they summarize the first few chapters.

I’m glad you touched on the social differences between men and women, and I wish you had gone more into this direction. At this time, I expect a woman to be very timid but she is confident, that’s where it doesn’t fit. She knows she shouldn’t be defiant but she is defiant anyway?

Her initial meeting with Key and Jonghyun is really weird. I think the boys would have claimed ignorance and try to leave the Dambi behind instead of taking her to a hospital. Realistically I can see her wandering and seeing all these other new things. Maybe she’d almost get hit by a car due to her curiosity and Key and Jonghyun saved her and took her to a hospital, but that conversation leading to the hospital was just to unrealistic.

Great job with her fascination with modern devices. The road, the cars, the lights, even paper money. You can go really far with that, but not too far because that would be irritating. Dambi can notice all these novelties, and the longer she stays in the modern era the more she understands their functions.

In chapter five the order of your paragraphs are incohesive. The second paragraph is about Mihyun’s reaction to Dambi and the third paragraph is about how she got to the house. It doesn’t flow well.

I seriously hope that Mihyun stays a friendly character because her interactions with Dambi have been very sisterly and sweet. When she first asked about Dambi’s relationship with the two boys I was concerned about her, but she has proven to be a very understanding person. If Dambi had to tell anyone that she is actually from the past, I’d like it to be Mihyun.

Why are chapter four and five in italics? You should change that.

No, this fic isn’t that original, but it is one that you can easily make your very own. Just take a moment and think it out and really try to trip your readers up. What will be the next thing for Dambi to discover? Is there some sort of underlying plot to all of this, or are her interactions with the modern world all you have to offer for the fic? Are Mihyun and Dambi going to fight for Jonghyun’s love? What? What is the actual storyline?

Princesses, witches, time travel, they have all been done before. It’s up to you to really wow the readers. How will of this play a part in the fic? Will she try and get a job and get fired because she was too much of a princess? Will the witch curse her? Make sure that all the information you have included is actually significant to the story. There’s a painting of her as a princess? That painting better come into play later, even if just in a museum and shocking the daylights out of some unsuspecting boy.

It might be difficult, but picture yourself in Dambi’s position. You’ve traveled about 1600 years into the future and there are these new contraptions and five guys that look very familiar to you.

This is rushed. From getting the horse and falling off the cliff to going to the hospital, buying clothes, and living with Mihyun, so many things have happened in the short span of five chapters. Your chapters aren’t that long either. Focus on what is important for the story and what exactly your story is about. At this point it is unclear where you want the story to go because you have included so many things that probably aren’t necessary. You have to cut down on the unnecessary parts and really make a story. Otherwise it is just a repeat of hundreds of previous fanfics with the same storyline, same characters, and same writing style.

It’s interesting, the rest is up to you. 

esteem's Chameleon Mannerism

Author: esteem
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/236258/chameleon-s-mannerism-oneshot-taemin-hurtcomfort

If you want to attract readers, your description really needs to be something that can draw readers in. It has to be more than just one sentence. By looking at your foreword and skimming a little, I can tell that your grammar is slightly off. I’ll revise your prologue so you can see the little mistakes you are making.

The clock's pendulum was swinging; its hands pointed at the numbers four and number twelve. The sky gradually turned into a dark shades of orange, red and honey maple syrups.

Putting down the paper -that which scripted the date, the session's time, the patient's name, and his/her problem- given by the administration staff, I stretched my backs and mentally gave myself a pat for.  I put on my glasses and opened a brand new page of my reports book. 

Today's session had been the most interesting session in the history of working as a psychotherapist.

Your grammar isn’t too off, and it could easily be fixed with a beta reader, another user willing to read your fic and correct your mistakes. Throughout the actual oneshot it wasn’t too noticeable, though.

The timeline and flow of your story is okay, it’s not like it skips around too much. There was never a moment when I thought to myself, “When in the world did this happen?”

The plot is actually wonderful. It’s great in that it is so relatable to readers of all ages. Finding and expressing our true self is one of the struggles that we all face. Kids and teens fitting in with the cliques at school, adults fitting in with their coworkers and neighbors, we all face these challenges. Going with Taemin in this direction was a great idea. It’s been one of my concerns about how Taemin was going to outgrow his sweet and shy image.

You could have elaborated more on the doctor. Male or female, doesn’t really matter, but I would have like to learn a little more about them. Not to the point where the focus of the story goes from Taemin to the doctor, but enough to show how the doctor reacts to Taemin’s dilemma. An experienced doctor wouldn’t see Taemin’s crisis as to severe, almost expected because of his occupation; whereas a less experienced doctor, like I assume this one is, would have a bigger reaction.

The lack of actual dialogue was a nice change and it probably made the oneshot better than if you had made Taemin and the doctor actual speak back and forth.

So right now you’re at that point where you are just brushing the surface. You are giving Taemin’s emotions, but you are not showing them. Show how Taemin conflicted between listening to his company’s demands and finding his true self. Because it is something so relatable, you need to dive in more. I can picture it right now, a moment where Taemin wants to tease his Hyungs but he’s been told he just needs to smile and look pretty.

All in all, you made a great connection between finding oneself and a chameleon changing color. It was a very smart idea, and that last sentence was a really inspiring ending.

If I had to give this a grade it’d be an A.