hopeleslyconfused's Time's Lost Princess

Author: hopeleslyconfused
Link :http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/236279/time-s-lost-princess-action-drama-fantasy-iusinger-romance-shinee-historical

You said I could do a helping review, so I am.

Foreword Page: I recommend that you don’t change the font style of your description and foreword just because. The real reason is that it, one, irritates some readers when the font isn’t default, and in the case of your description, it causes problems. For the description, 200 characters are allowed in the preview, but if you change the font the numbers of characters seen is less, and that means less for the readers to judge whether or not they want to read the fic or not.

The description reveals way too much information. It sounds more like a prologue that sets up the story and would have been better in the foreword, especially since the foreword is just a continuation of that intro summary.

Yes, it is definitely rushed and doesn’t have the proper description for each action. Your really need to slow down and describe things one by one, second by second even. Describe what the horse saw to make it fearful, describe the feeling of being thrown of the horse and free falling over a cliff. Write about what the readers wouldn’t already think, don’t summarize it down to one paragraph. Remember, the length is never too long.

Never ever, ever, do character profiles. Okay, just stating their name and title as Prince or Brother would have been acceptable, but you also included a picture for them. There is absolutely no reason to include a picture of SHINee, nor of the girl. I’m sure every single reader can imagine what a Korean girl in a hanbok looks like.

You should be a little careful about the names you chose for their past. Park Jungsu? That’s Leeteuk’s real name. It could cause some confusion.

Chapters: Really work on varying which word you use to start the sentences. Something often seen with fics written in first person is the continual use of “I” to start sentences.

The foreword and description definitely spoiled too much considering they summarize the first few chapters.

I’m glad you touched on the social differences between men and women, and I wish you had gone more into this direction. At this time, I expect a woman to be very timid but she is confident, that’s where it doesn’t fit. She knows she shouldn’t be defiant but she is defiant anyway?

Her initial meeting with Key and Jonghyun is really weird. I think the boys would have claimed ignorance and try to leave the Dambi behind instead of taking her to a hospital. Realistically I can see her wandering and seeing all these other new things. Maybe she’d almost get hit by a car due to her curiosity and Key and Jonghyun saved her and took her to a hospital, but that conversation leading to the hospital was just to unrealistic.

Great job with her fascination with modern devices. The road, the cars, the lights, even paper money. You can go really far with that, but not too far because that would be irritating. Dambi can notice all these novelties, and the longer she stays in the modern era the more she understands their functions.

In chapter five the order of your paragraphs are incohesive. The second paragraph is about Mihyun’s reaction to Dambi and the third paragraph is about how she got to the house. It doesn’t flow well.

I seriously hope that Mihyun stays a friendly character because her interactions with Dambi have been very sisterly and sweet. When she first asked about Dambi’s relationship with the two boys I was concerned about her, but she has proven to be a very understanding person. If Dambi had to tell anyone that she is actually from the past, I’d like it to be Mihyun.

Why are chapter four and five in italics? You should change that.

No, this fic isn’t that original, but it is one that you can easily make your very own. Just take a moment and think it out and really try to trip your readers up. What will be the next thing for Dambi to discover? Is there some sort of underlying plot to all of this, or are her interactions with the modern world all you have to offer for the fic? Are Mihyun and Dambi going to fight for Jonghyun’s love? What? What is the actual storyline?

Princesses, witches, time travel, they have all been done before. It’s up to you to really wow the readers. How will of this play a part in the fic? Will she try and get a job and get fired because she was too much of a princess? Will the witch curse her? Make sure that all the information you have included is actually significant to the story. There’s a painting of her as a princess? That painting better come into play later, even if just in a museum and shocking the daylights out of some unsuspecting boy.

It might be difficult, but picture yourself in Dambi’s position. You’ve traveled about 1600 years into the future and there are these new contraptions and five guys that look very familiar to you.

This is rushed. From getting the horse and falling off the cliff to going to the hospital, buying clothes, and living with Mihyun, so many things have happened in the short span of five chapters. Your chapters aren’t that long either. Focus on what is important for the story and what exactly your story is about. At this point it is unclear where you want the story to go because you have included so many things that probably aren’t necessary. You have to cut down on the unnecessary parts and really make a story. Otherwise it is just a repeat of hundreds of previous fanfics with the same storyline, same characters, and same writing style.

It’s interesting, the rest is up to you.