xcaandiihearts' Dong Bang Oneshots Review

Author: xcaandiihearts
link http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/21295/dong-bang-oneshots-jaemin-jaesu-minsu-yaoi-yoomin-yoosu-yunjae

Dong Bang Oneshots by xcaandiihearts

His regret: the only really big issue is the use of the song lyrics. Readers usually skip these sections because they don’t really add onto the story. The lyrics in this oneshot were actually very important, but I remember when I first read I didn’t read the lyrics and just used context clues to guess what had happened. You see, when you put lyrics in a fic, you pull the reader out of the story for a moment. Once the lyrics are finished it takes a moment for the reader to get back into it.

There were two really cliché moments. The first was Yunho calling Jaejoong a girl. This exact scene has been done so many times that it is boring. The other is Jaejoong dying in the end. That was obvious.

Do not change the color of anything except lyrics and author’s notes. Many different colors look childish and unprofessional. Even then, I don’t think writing in color is appropriate at all.

Charm Bracelet: You could have gone a little further into Yunho standing out in the rain to play on him being deeply hurt by the separation as well.

Otherwise, it was overall good, even the smut.

Memories: Just a little too “Romeo and Juliet”ish. The method of suicide is the only problem here. Death by self mutilation is actually not that common. Cutters using cutting as a way to relieve themselves of their troubles, not hurt themselves. In the case of suicide, overdosing would have made more sense. For a quick death, shooting oneself, hanging, jumping off a building, even drowning. Cutting was the only one that worked in this situation, I know. I’m sure you could have worked it out somehow.

Bracelet: Running into each other and knocking each other down is overused. So is a terminal illness. Jaejoong’s illness was way too sudden and didn’t fit in with the rest of the oneshot at all.

Happy Valentines~: Smut is smut

Changmin’s Birthday: NEVER CHANGE POVs IN THE MIDDLE OF A CHAPTER! It was okay fluff.

My Sweet Rhapsody: Smut is smut, obsessive fangirls are overused.

Baby, you’re arrested: I thought this one was actually creative.

Nine: Try and find a better way to incorporate these lyrics into the oneshot because often times what happens is the reader sees them and skips them entirely. They do that with one sentence, two sentences, a short stanza, a whole poem. If it is not incorporated into the story itself they ignore it and move on to the story.

Instead, try putting the lines into the actual paragraphs. If you want to make it clear that the phrase is part of the larger poem, put it in italics or another color. Do not change the font though. You can still put the full poem or lyrics at the beginning or end, I encourage that actually, because there will be those that do read it. For those that will skip it, it will come as an amazing realization of what you were doing.

Otherwise, it was okay.

Mirotic: Okay

Stand by U: A lot of your oneshots have similar themes, being in a relationship but not together anymore. Try to change up the storylines a bit more. Even though it is a oneshot, try to include more history and details so that it isn’t so generic. Even though you are trying to make the song fics have the same feel as the song, what readers expect from a song fic is just another story. It doesn’t have to have the same tone as the song, as long as it tells the story.

Ice Cream: It was cute and fluffy, but the part with the ice cream vender loving his sister and having a gay son was a little too much. It could happen, but it takes away from YunJae and the wrongness that the relationship is overcoming is toned down to the point that they seem like a normal couple. Otherwise it was fine.

Not for anyone: This is a perfect example of less is more. There isn’t any unnecessary distracting plot, only Jaejoong caring and Changmin causing Jae to worry. Drabbles like this are the best, they are able to tell a story and leave the reader thinking.

Angelic Halloween: Smut is smut. This is my opinion because I have read a lot of YunJae smut, but when Jae is being slutty and dominating, he needs to be just a bit more demanding, less like a girl and more like a whore in heat. It is just as good on the opposite side of the spectrum, Jaejoong being sort of innocent and fully comfortable in female clothing and really embarrassed. But your smut is really good, are you sure you are only that old?

Of crayons and Unicorns: This is really, really cute fluff, but if you want to surprise readers, make Yunho the unicorn drawer. It is always interesting to give them different characterizations. I’ve read tons of fics with Jaejoong being an absolutely feminine guy, and after awhile it has been done too many times. This was fine though.

Gay for my Dongsaeng: The smut was really good, Jaejoong trying to deny his desires, those are always interesting. Incest was an added bonus. It was kind of unclear about who was topping.  At first I thought Junsu, then maybe Jaejoong, and then oh it was Junsu. Jaejoong acted very immature at times, like with the mentioning of churros. Sex is usually better when you can see the deeper, darker side to it. There can always be that spin on the story if the plot requires it. In this case, it was an incest story, and that is one of those things that readers might not find as acceptable as normal homosexuality, so deeper, more mature thoughts would have been better.

Also, the straight out mentioning of pubic hairs was a major turn off. The hairs brushing up against his ass was okay, Jaejoong saying he waxes but Junsu was hot, that was too far. There are certain things readers prefer not to read about (unless the mood is set right). That is the same as hypothetically saying when Junsu pulled his cock there was shit on it.

Conclusion: Unless I said otherwise, basically everything else was very good. There weren’t any moments where I screamed about the impossibilities of something happening or got irritated with your grammar. Don’t change the color or the font, you’ll be fine.

 There was the occasional “I’ve read this a couple of times before,” but there are so many YunJae fanfics out there, it is inevitable. There are certain themes I’ve noticed in Jaejoong paired fics. In YunJae there is always a big struggle and conflict, but they usually end up together and in love. Jaejoong is either characterized as either very diva-like, studious and poor, or feminine. YunJae is very much a man-woman relationship.

Often times with JaeMin, Jaejoong will usually be the gay one, and more often than not, he is just a normal gay. Changmin will either be straight and in denial, or played around with by Jaejoong. Their conflicts are more about Changmin feeling slightly like an outcaste, or Jaejoong feeling like an outcaste, and one of them has to help the other overcome their internal conflicts.

I find with JaeSu, one of them has made a mistake and they have to correct it or they’ll lose the other. Jaejoong will usually be the dominating one, but not always. Their relationship is sometimes like YunJae’s, except not as intense.

If you ever write JaeChun, I am an expert on them.

This is just in general. Of all the hundreds of fics I read, that summarized a lot of them. 

ChocoChips321's Birthday Gift Happy Birthday Key review

Author: ChocoChips321

link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/80417/birthday-gift-happy-birthday-key-jonghyun-key-minho-onew-shinee-taemin-yaoi

Very good job! The oneshot isn’t crazy. Key wasn’t mentioned as a diva directly and was portrayed only slightly as such with descriptions. Grammar is pretty good, no major mistakes that I remember or see at a glance.The idea behind this is cute and funny, and the perverted joke earns a laugh. You really took some time in keeping this real to an extent. There was only one issue, the party with all those idols.

The party would have been more believable if it wasn’t an actual party. I don’t really see SHINee having a break long enough for an extravagant gathering to take place. Their idol position already prevents them from doing extreme events. A small party between SHINee and maybe a few other idols from SM would have been understandable (not Super Junior because they are doing promotions for their fifth album repackage), but not from all those different companies all together on a boat.

Mentioning the individual names of the idols was also sort of unnecessary. That is an overload of names that many readers don’t know. It’s wonderful to see that you know of these groups, but really, they didn’t need to be mentioned. And the possibility of all these idols having the evening off is, once again, a long shot. This is the same as reading a fic and having to learn the name of all thirty students in the class. Usually only two or three matter, in this case the five members of SHINee, and the rest are unimportant. Even during the dance off the names didn’t need to be stated, it was overwhelming.

A major problem I see with this is the fact that it is a birthday oneshot for Key, but you wrote from Jonghyun’s perspective. Considering this fact, there was very little Key at all. To use Jonghyun’s point of view, there needs to be more of an emotional tie to Kibum to make this meaningful, otherwise it really seems like he is just buying a present and being the normal airheaded Jjong. By sticking with Jonghyun’s POV, a lot of Key’s actions don’t make sense unless thought about for a second.

Plotwise, the fic is very safe. You’ve taken a complete 180 of your normal writing, making this actual a little boring. I am aware that you are trying to please me to some extent and keeping it safe, but there has to be more of a plot. It was in general extremely summarized and short, there weren’t that many fluffy details that engage the readers.

The most interesting thing that happens, minus the slight JongKey interactions, is when Jonghyun “forgets” Key’s present. His paranoia before isn’t developed enough as it is and isn’t that clear. It is easy to take in, but the ideas aren’t easy to connect. If that is the most interesting thing, something went wrong. There is toning it down, then there is turning it bland. It is okay to exaggerate on some things. You did well with messing up the party with the music problems and the likes. Most of the times authors keep the party going without a hitch, in this case, you thought realistically, parties never go by without something messing up.

Now that you’ve gotten more of a realistic story going on, use the fluffy words to make it sound interesting. Life is generally boring until a certain view is used to see it. Right now, you are showing the readers a bland look at SHINee’s life, even if it is filled with parties as presents. Make the party appealing, have the reader feel the beat of the music in the dance off and stare in awe at Key’s birthday cake. Using those descriptive words! Every sentence can have more depth. Otherwise, they are simple and plain.

The sentences don’t make the reader say “wow,” it’s the hidden joke with the earphones that do that. The plot is only part of what appeals to readers, the varied sentences are what keep them hooked to the end, even more so if the plot is done right, yes.

Taking in how much you have improved and all the above in mind, I’ll give you an 85 for this review. Good job, your score has improved 42 points from your first review, though this one was very informal.

Pointers for JaejoongPrincess

The first thing that needs to be addressed is your number of subscribers. When you first begin writing you will get maybe one or two subscribers per chapter. This is because readers are testing you, seeing if you’ll update soon enough so they don’t have to subscribe and know you update often. They also don’t subscribe in the beginning because many readers want to read longer fics, so unless the fic seems like one to not update often or has an intensely intriguing plot, they won’t subscribe. Five chapters are not long enough, and three weeks is not enough time to draw readers in. Just update often and leave keyboard smashing cliffhangers.

Secondly, you don’t actually want your fic to be featured. It is a known opinionated fact among the more experienced writers here that the featured stories are not worthy of really being read. Getting featured does mean a lot more comments, readers, and compliments, but it also means that you will be in the limelight for criticism from can write better and will want you to know they aren’t happy you got featured instead.

Getting featured isn’t even a realistic goal. Unless you write every minute, are one of the original 1000 users, or write really bad smutty fics, you won’t get featured.

The Switch

You’re giving away way too much of the plot in the summary. Cut down on everything but the necessities. An anti-fan causes JYJ to switch bodies and they end up living each other’s lives.

The chapter looks very pretty, but it is unnecessary and might actually scare some readers away. Don’t highlight all the words and keep them black, colored font can be difficult to read. A lot of readers prefer the default font, Helvetica, over Comic Sans MS or one of the others. This is one of the tricks readers take to see the effort put into a chapter. Making the chapter look pretty tells readers you care more about what it looks like than how it is actually written. A large font also makes readers feel like they have been cheated out of a long chapter. Readers love to read longer chapters (unless they are way too long) especially if they like the fic. A large font makes a short chapter seem longer, but it is not and they get a little disappointed.

In the first paragraph of chapter one, the sentence “You could feel the cool summer breeze against your skin” can be confusing for readers who might think this is a “you” fic. This sentence would be okay anywhere other than the first chapter. The first few chapters are essentially for readers to get to know the author and their writing style. Readers can usually tolerate or love cheesy fics, but some writing styles are torment, so the first chapters are another test for them.

Script writing is an absolute no-no. It tells a reader that you don’t read often, even if you may, and you don’t know how to write dialogue.

Instead of saying Jaejoong: “Yoochun, Junsu, lunch is ready.” Jaejoong yelled, preparing the table. Yoochun and Junsu came into the dining room and sat down at the table this speaking part should be seen as:

“Yoochun, Junsu, lunch is ready!” Jaejoong yelled, preparing the table. Yoochun and Junsu came into the dining room and sat down.

For more on writing dialogue, refer to my blogs, Part 4 is for dialogue.

You do still need to work on your grammar, but it isn’t so bad that you need to give such a large warning in your forewords. For my first fic I left a short note explaining I couldn’t spell to save my life, but then I realized it didn’t matter because my readers honestly couldn’t spell any better than I could. Your grammar will only ever be an issue if it disrupts the flow. It does occasionally, but not so badly. Putting a large warning will scare away readers.

Make sure to stick to the flow of the story. One minute they are eating lunch, and then all of a sudden Yoochun is asking Jaejoong about his crush. It is too abrupt; some leading actions need to be put in. You can’t connect the dots without drawing a line between them.

Refrain from using a lot of references to Japanese culture. A lot of people don’t know Crystal Kay or Peach girl, though I happen to know of both.

Describe the actions of the characters better. It is almost exactly like you are writing a script.

Jaejoong: Jaejoong stops eating. “Her name is Jung Hye Roddy.” Jaejoong continues eating again. 

The two yellow highlighted sentences are very basic and obvious sentences. Unless Jaejoong were to talk while spraying soup everywhere, he’d have to stop eating! Writing about Jaejoong in this way takes away from the fact that Junsu and Yoochun are right next to him, even if the others are in the next paragraphs. It almost seems like Jaejoong is facing a wall and talking to himself. Always show the interactions between the three, not all the time necessarily, but often enough to show they are still there.

I am one of the readers that do not tolerate certain things in a fic. 1) Is POV changes, or point of view changes. You’re okay there.  2) Flashbacks. Flashbacks are allowed, but not in a way where Flashback is stated then the following paragraphs are the flashback then flashback end is stated last. With this I think you are okay as well. 3) Naming the location of the new scene. Here we have a problem.

When changing scenes you can not just name the location. Describe it, make it a real place. Write about the setting, the people there, what they are doing, what might happen, what’s the purpose, why are they there. That is the equivalent of saying I am writing this in my room.

5 minutes later: In the kitchen

There is better wi-fi here!

That won’t cut it. These are the three key points to a reader to show if the writer is experienced enough.

JYJ need to act more mature. In this fic they are 24-25? Yes? They need to act their age. JYJ are idols, therefore they need to be aware of their idol status. Jaejoong asking out a teacher after a two year, three month long crush seems a little farfetched. All in all, keep track of all the details you add to the fic and make sure they are believable.

Fanfictions usually portray out idols speaking Korean, only it’s English to us, therefore, this use of Korean in your fic is unnecessary. It is nice to know that you know these basic Korean words, but some people don’t and it does interrupt your fic. There are a lot of mistakes that anyone could correct. One for instance is when Jaejoong is doing his photo-shoot, the camera doesn’t click every five seconds, it clicks practically every second. If you are ever unsure about something, don’t be afraid to ask someone or look it up. Readers connect to a fic that is more realistic.

I know this is a comedy, but they would not pay much attention to Soo Young unless she stopped them and asked for an autograph. The interaction between Soo Young and JYJ should have stopped after they ended up in the hospital. Readers think she is a bitch, they don’t want to see her for several chapters. For now, JYJ’s reaction to their body switch is the most important.

Do not ever use shortened forms of text like LOL, WTH, IKR, or anything else in a fanfic. Readers hate it.

Any mention of JYJ, HoMin, TVXQ split makes me cry. I cried when Jaejoong sang “Hug”. I am that much of a hardcore fangirl. That being said, since the fic is based on an anti being mad at them for leaving TVXQ, you really need to exaggerate on those moments. Jaejoong crying isn’t enough; readers need to know why he is crying. We obviously know why, but having the author describe it to us makes it more meaningful and real. The same thing for the anti-fan. Readers reading the fic probably still like JYJ, so they won’t completely understand how the fan is thinking. These are important to the plot and need to be highlighted specifically.

Don’t leave various notes from yourself in the actual chapter, wait to the end. You did this when you mentioned the price of the gum. Put an asterisk (*) and explain it at the end in an author’s note. This will keep the chapter uncluttered and easier to read.

The Prince of Cassiopeia

You gave too much information in the summary, and the summary needs to stay in the foreword/description area. When you finally got into the actual fic, the summary was reiterated and making the summary itself pointless.

When dealing with sensitive topics like ADOPTION—A-D-O-P-T means to take a child from an adoption house and legally make them your own, Adaption/adapt/adapted means to change to one’s surroundings—you need to keep the fic neutral or when someone is doing something morally wrong, make it more obvious. Boa held up the baby with no eyes and the Queen bluntly said no without any remorse or consideration. Baby has no eyes, she could have said ‘how sad, but we can’t have a king without eyes.’

Try and vary the length of your paragraphs, make them longer and include more descriptions to set the scenes better.

Kim Jaejoong is the prince of Cassiopeia. Cassiopeia is a diverse country filled wish bustling cities. Cassiopeia is a country, where the old traditions meet the new traditions. Cassiopeia is famous for the red ocean, their chocolate pork chop brownies (yum yum), tour attractions, and magical fairies at night, that light up the sky. Jaejoong's parents are the king (Kim Hyun Joong) and queen (Jung So Min) of Cassiopeia. His dad is the greatest kings that ever live and he is considered a legendary warrior who saves people. The king and queen of Cassiopeia is not Jaejoong's biological parents.  

This is called an anaphora, when the same sound or word is repeated at the beginning of consecutive sentences. The best example of one would be ‘Tale of Two Cities’ with ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” In this case, it doesn’t sound good, especially because your sentences are very simple. I highlighted the verb “is” because it is this word that takes away from Cassiopeia’s description. For more on this, please read Part 8 of my rants. Also, like I said before, leave out bits that can be taken as a personal note.

The bullies and fangirls are exaggerated greatly, they are not important, they are annoying, they need to be toned down.

Tripping would likely not break his leg. The reader would “what the heck” at this moment and might not continue. That is too absurd.

Jaejoong’s venture away from Cassiopeia sounds like it is his first time ever leaving. It sounds like he has never been militarily trained and has no idea what to do in the forest. If this is the case, he will die.

The fic itself sounds like a fairytale for children. Fanfics are read by people from the age of eleven to thirty plus years. Fairytales will not do. This needs to seem like a real world, not fairytale castle with DBSK’s fanclub plastered on it.

Remember, you already introduced Yunho as one of the bullies outside the castle, now he is wanted dead or alive in Elf village? Make sure everything fits!

Everything else is basically the same issues in The Switch.

~Above all, you need to work on developing everything more. Readers love well developed and thought out fics. The more believable, the better. They don’t need gimmicks like lots of shouting and childish play, the raw emotion and facing the reality of life is what makes readers want more. In a comedy it is better to focus on the idols. Stay away from the girls unless romance is one of the finalities of the ending. Try and focus on your plot as much as possible and try not to add in unnecessary information. Do not write your dialogue in script writing. The plot is very interesting, develop the characters to match.

Your plot is very interesting, I will give you that. The poster for The Prince of Cassiopeia is very good, and I am curious myself on how The Switch will turn out. 

Undankbar's Turning the tables review

Review for Turning the Tables by Undankbar
story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/9659/turning-the-tables-korean-onew-shinee-thriller-you

1)      Good Storyline- 25/30 pts

a)      This is very much just a One shot split into different sections. While the plot is interesting and original, it was left empty. Things seemed to missing, and that was SHINee’s reaction as everything went on. Things aren’t rushed and it isn’t drawn out. Everything was “this is what is happening, deal with it.” 25 pts

2)      followable plot- 14/15 pts

a)      It was very easy to follow the plot because of the way the chapters were separated. There were some parts where a scene skipped and there were no leading sentences. In Paranoid the changing sentence appears to just be ENOUGH! The story is going back from her explanation to her in real time, but the change is a little abrupt because the beginning fit in so well that the flow was interrupted. That happens in a few places. Otherwise there are no events that can’t be explained for and everything does fit together.14 pts

3)      proper grammar- 6/10 pts

a)      There are some instances when a comma was used instead of a semicolon. “I started running, running until my lungs gave out.” The comma before the second running should be a semicolon because they are both complete sentences with no FANBOY transition word. (For, and, nor, but, or, yet)

b)      Other moments had missing commas like “I was hopelessly lost in the outskirts of Seoul but it was silent.” A comma should be included before the ‘but’.

c)      A few sentences are run on and continue when they should have ended halfway through.

d)      There a few cases when you used the wrong word like ‘but’ instead of ‘and’, or you made a spelling error like ‘whole’ instead or ‘hole’ when the girl trips and rips a hole in her jeans.

4)      Focus on one thing at a time-13/15 pts

a)      This story only focuses on the stalking and that is very good. It was simple and didn’t stray too much. 5 pts

b)      At first it seems like it is about the girl stalking the SHINee members like the forword implies, then the story goes in a completely different direction. However, the story follows the title of the story well.8 pts

5)      Things make sense- 40/50 pts

a)      Other than the forword not matching the story, everything is okay. There isn’t anything that I would go “Do your research!” on. 40 pts

b)      The only thing that was a little out there was that there weren’t any reporters at her apartment and none of the letters had any razors or any other harmful things in them. -5 pts

c)      Another thing is how Onew reacts to this girl. He follows her for days when he really should be spending his time with other things. Other fans or reporters could be around him, even his manager. -5 pts

6)      Creative- 15/25 pts

a)      Well definitely this is an original and creative story. Stalking is something few attempt but many fail. Most times the person is head over heels in love with them and makes stupid choices with their actions and they end up coming off psychotic. 10 pts

b)      An amazing part was that we got to see a new side of SHINee and read funny little comments from the narrator. I read it out loud and I was able to add a humorous voice to everything and a scared and depressed voice for the thrills. 5 pts

c)      I wasn’t really gasping in my seat at Onew stalking her, nor was I glued to the screen when she was running away. The word choice was good, but I didn’t feel like the words were deep and meaningful enough. You wanted to make this a real thriller so you could have used more exciting words and described things very well with great detail.

7)      Sticks to plot- 9/10pts

a)      Yup, the tables were turned, but the first few chapters weren’t as necessary considering the length of the story. If the story had been longer more background information could have been provided. If SHINee’s perspective was included as well in the beginning and more was included about how they turned the tables on her then it would have been a little more focused. 9 pts

8)      Not cliché- 18/20 pts

a)      It is not cliché. Going through trashcans and sneaking into buildings could have seemed more original if description was added about the actions. Stories require description to take away from the overused plots, not that I am saying stalking is overdone. This all could have been better if the story was longer. 18 pts

9)      Character Development- 50/50 pts

a)      There is a strong development with the girl. She is willing to share her stalking knowledge, she looks down on obsessed fans that hate her for doing something they are too afraid to do, and she is smart by thinking of ways to avoid her stalker and to even be able to stalk them. At the same time she is able to get scared in times of trouble and stoically try and avoid all problems. She is able to hold face in front of a judge and doesn’t get fazed by hate mail. These are all very important things that I am glad you put in.

b)      She’s original and different from the other characters. 5 pts

c)      All the characters play their part properly. Onew is an antagonist/main and the girl is the protagonist. The other 4 members don’t play an important part and they don’t need to. 5 pts.

d)      This girl had clear flaws mentally. Her entire thought process is a flaw. The same way, I was actually able to find flaws for all 5 guys. 15 pts

e)      Onew was obviously not stalking the girl publicly so that was a public vs. private part. The girl wasn’t that different, but this was short and I think she was a little crazy so she didn’t need to be. 10 pts

f)        The shinee members changed from scare to proactive and the stalker did become scared from something even though she wasn’t frightened by the mail. 10 pts

g)      None of this really follow the stereotypes. Dubu wasn’t a soft tofu and this stalker wasn’t begging for them to have sex with her. 5 pts

10)  Good command of POV- 9/10 pts

a)      The only thing was in the last chapter it isn’t really from the narrators point of view because they aren’t there. 9pts

11)  Proper structure- 15/15 pts

a)      Hmm, I would like to say you should have written longer paragraphs and included more information, but this is overall short so that will just count as your writing style. Overall it was good.  15 pts

12)  Dialogue- 35/35 pts 

a)      The necessary amount of speaking was there and it fit in nicely. 10 pts

b)      It didn’t take away from the plot. 15 pts

c)      The dialogue didn’t tell the story J 10 pts

d)      The talking fit in with their age group and their ways of speaking. 5 pts

13)  Title- 10/10 pts

a)      Fits the story well and the plot always goes back to it. Chapter titles also tie to the chapter in their ways. 10 pts

14)  Hidden meanings- 20/25 pts

a)      The entire is a hidden meaning obviously. The ending with Onew’s idea is also a great way to flashback on the story and gives a reminder of the title. 10 pts

b)      Bringing in titles of their songs is a great way to show that you, the character, and the reader all are fans of SHINee. 10 pts

c)      There weren’t that many other things and I think more could have been included. If this fic was longer…

15)  Forwords and introductions- 12/15 pts

a)      Since the story is short is actually good that your forward is short, gives a taste of the theme, and draws in the readers. 5 pts

b)      Some things don’t match with the rest of the story. It is written as if the boy is living with his father while the story is written as if SHINee lives together in a dorm. The character in the beginning seems like she is infatuated with SHINee, but she doesn’t seem to match the characterization for the rest of the story. 2 pts

c)      Characters are introduced correctly. We are informed who the speaker is in the beginning and SHINee is introduced by the judge. 5 pts

16)  Literacy elements (metaphors, alliteration, similes, personification, irony, foreshadowing, hyperbole, allusion.) 1bonus point for each element used.  7 pts

17)  the author grew as an writer and gain experience and knowledge bonus of 0-5 points added based on growth and experience 3 pts

18)  reader's comments

a)      Readers obviously wanted a longer story, but you expressed that it would be short so I was ready for that.

b)      You are clearly willing to fix the errors in the story.

c)      Turning the tables, the name of the story.

(291+10)/335

301/335

90%

lucidlies's Help review

Review for Help by lucidlies 

Story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/2872/help-dbsk-jaejoong-korean-oneshot-yaoi-yunho-yunjae

1)      Title-4/10 pts

a)      The title is very simply, not eye catching, bland. Even though it is oneshot, the title should have more appeal to it.

b)      It does hint to what the fic is about

2)      Foreword and Introduction-12/15 pts

a)      For a oneshot, a short sentence like that is really good for attracting readers and not giving away too much.

b)      While one sentence was sufficient to draw readers in, a short paragraph could have been provided to show how kinky the sex was.

c)      There should be a warning about the Het!porn at the beginning.

3)      Command of POV-10/10 pts

a)      No issues here, good job with keeping a consistent POV that did not reflect you as a person.

4)      Proper structure-15/15 pts

a)      Paragraphs were separated properly

b)      Characters didn’t speak in the same paragraph and the writing was not script writing. That is very good.

5)      Proper Grammar-9/10 pts

a)      Your grammar is very good.

b)      For dialogue you can try starting with description more often then having the talking a bit further into the paragraph. For example ↓

“Sorry,” Yunho said, smirking as he invaded Jaejoong’s personal space.

“Yunho, why are you acting like this?” Jaejoong was close to tears, drowning in confusion. “What’s going on?”

“I won’t make it hurt,” Yunho whispered erotically, hot breath ghosting over the pale neck. The grasp around his wrists tightening as Yunho's leg settled between his own, thigh rubbing against his cock. “What do you say, wanna help me out?”

“N-no!” he stammered, cock springing to life.

“Are you sure?” Yunho ground his thigh in sweeping circles. “Because your cock says something else.”

“Nhn…”

c)      I think that should have gone in the structure section, but I already pasted, and I’m not going to move it now. This was actually done in many places, but there were many areas where dialogue followed dialogue.

6)      Focuses on One thing at time-15/15 pts

a)      This is very good. Basically, the flow of your story is strong. Things don’t skip around from het!porn to Yunho coming in to Jaejoong jacking off to Yunho “helping” him. All these events followed the previous and led into the next very coherently.

7)      Dialogue-28/35 pts

a)      For sexual scenes there should be less dialogue than a nonsexual scene to allow for more description of feelings and physical interaction.

b)      There is actually a lot of dialogue in general. Try cutting these down and replace them with thoughts and setting description.

8)      Character Development-45/50 pts

a)      Jaejoong clearly changed from being embarrassed to begging for a fuck.

b)      There were qualities of Jaejoong acting a different way with and without people, like there should always be to give characters a human feel.

c)      Yunho and Jaejoong clearly don’t follow their stereotypes that much.

d)     They had humane flaws in their own ways.

e)      Original

f)       It was clear who was the dominant character and who was the submissive character though proper body language, description, and dialogue.

g)      There weren’t any extra characters! YooSuMin didn’t walk in and demand that Umma make food and Appa entertain them. That is wonderful! A lot of time, extra characters kill the mood, and even cockblock annoyingly.

h)      One issue, there should be a reason for Yunho to incite the help. Simply sexual want? Jaejoong want? Boredom? Otherwise he comes off as a detached and not caring.

“See, helping each other wasn’t so bad, was it?” Yunho said through a yawn.

9)      Creative-15/25 pts

a)      It is actually very obvious what is going to happen. Jaejoong is caught, and then Yunho finds a way to have sex with him.

b)      The het!porn was actually a surprise. Usually it is gay porn, and never that descriptive. Different ideas like this are welcome, but there should be a warning.

c)      The smut is original and not a complete copy of other smuts. Similar but not a copy and definitely written better than many.

10)  Not Cliché-18/20 pts

a)      Porn, and sex in general, is an overused topic, but the piece was written realistically and took away from the cliché aspect. Whenever something is remotely cliché, always go back to the practical side of a story.

11)  Good Storyline-10/30 pts

a)      As a story, this is a good idea, as a oneshot there are many things lacking. The story could and should be elaborated a bit more.

b)      Character interactions are interesting, this is a fun and entrancing situation to find them in.

12)  Followable Plot-12/15 pts

a)      Because grammar is good, the flow is excellent, and sex is appealing, the story is easy to read and finish. Readers will never ask themselves “What just happened?” Things are very clear in that sense.

b)      There is actually a lack of any real plot happening. This to say, pure smut. 95% of this is smut of some sort. To get a big reaction, put in a real storyline, even if only slightly.

13)  Sticks to Plot-8/10 pts

a)      There aren’t any strays and the plot sticks pretty close to helping each other.

b)      The het!porn should have been cut down more because it was just an introduction of the setting. More should have been included on how Yunho made Jaejoong feel uncomfortable.

14)  Things Make sense-40/50 pts

a)      What is the situation with DBSK? Are they normal roommates or in the band?

b)      How did Jaejoong have time to watch porn?

c)      Where did Yunho come from?

d)     Why did Yunho want to “help” Jaejoong and the other way around?

e)      What is the relationship between Jaejoong and Yunho? Are they close to allow this sort of touching to not be too awkward, or very intimate and this was surprise sex, or just friends experimenting?

f)       Many details were left out and made this very, porn without plot actually, almost as if this was written purely to be a smut oneshot.

15)  Hidden Meanings-0/25 pts

a)      There is nothing to leave the reader guessing or wondering. Everything is exactly as it is, smut, smut, smut.

b)      Secretive things, or simply a hidden storyline would have given this an actual plot.

c)      The lack in this area is the main reason for Porn without Plot.

16)  Smut-9/10

a)      This is very good smut, some of the best I’ve read. I’ve read this several times and that already means it was creative and written well.

b)      It is not a full 10 because the talking between Jaejoong and Yunho actually killed the mood just a little. During sex, talking can be a cockblocker.

17)  Literacy Elements- 7pts (1 point for each)

a)      At this moment my list of literacy elements is under construction. I will give you a seven because you describe things wonderfully.

White-hot electricity shot through his veins, his body shuddering with sexual tension. The liquid fire in his lower belly curled around his body, growing almost to the point of becoming unpleasant.

18)  Author grew as a writer- 4 pts

a)      I actually think the beginning was better than the ending because the conclusion is flat and sudden compared to the high description in the beginning with Jaejoong feeling so many things just from watching porn. I sort of expected him to be even more sensitive when actually having sex. Nonetheless, it was still written very well throughout the entire piece.

19)  Readers’ comments- no points awarded

a)      The basic reaction is that this is very “HOT” and the sex was top notch. A sequel would be loved. People, including myself, find it worthy to come back and reread. 

250/345

250+11/345

76%

The score would have been higher if there had been a plot. In fact, I guarantee it would have been an A if there was a plot.

Boyfriend's Boyfriend

I don't think you guys know who boyfriend are that well. They are a new six member group that debuted recently in May. They are all very pretty, but you guys need to know that there are twins in the group. 

I’m going to try and match names to faces. From left to right I believe they are Jungmin, Kwangmin, Minwoo, Youngmin, Donghyun, Hyunsung. Let’s just assume I am right.

Clearly the twins are Kwangmin and Youngmin, the blond being the older one by six minutes evidently. Introductions out of the way.

Here is Boyfriend’s Boyfriend

MUSIC VIDEO

I had originally seen the video when it came out and then a few hours ago when I was trying to get their names down, said screw it, then watched the first part of an episode about them on Mnet. So I had seen it twice before doing this.

My first initial reaction was that everyone must have had plastic surgery because their eyes were way too freaking big and they all looked very similar to me in just that brief… first hearing of song moment. Watching it again earlier I noticed that Donghyun’s eyes do look different, but I wouldn’t doubt surgery from him either. I don’t care, but god damn they are beautiful.

Alright, so the video starts off with one of the members, Minwoo I believe, and his eyes make him look like a lost puppy, begging to be taken home and loved. His teeth are pretty freaking amazing. But this white on white (white clothes white background) is not doing well, it washes everyone out. Then Youngmin, Kwangmin, and Jungmin are introduced in face shots as well. No one cares about Donghyun or Hyunsung to give them a close up.

Are they in a store? Or a garage, a secret hideout? There is the sign boyfriend on the wall, big, bold letters. If you think about that from a logical standing, this makes them really seem gay. Just being called boyfriend, having a sort of clubhouse called boyfriend, even this Boyfriend’s boyfriend comes off very wrong. They did not choose the right name for their group.

The items in this place- a bunch of hedge trimmer things, a bicycle wheel, a fan, radio stuff, some record, cleaning supplies, A DETOUR SIGN, an EXIT ONLY sign, a bunch of license plates (one of them says MAFIA other says OUTATIME), recorder, scene cut clacker object, clock, lights, wagon, and six adorable guys. We’re going to assume this is a garage clubhouse thing. Since they are riding bikes around and playing with sports balls.

Oh my gosh this is so cheesy. Who is that? Minwoo looks at the customized BOYFRIEND calendar and notices that somebody has a birthday coming up and stresses out. The acting is so cute and cheesy. (0:27) The calendar actually has some significance. The date of the birthday is May 26^th, and Boyfriend debuted on May 26^th. Good job guys, that was pro.

Whose garage has an exit sign in it?

I don’t even want to comment on this dancing. Like walking in a line, let’s block the other members, I’m prettiest. There is this cute little wave, and go “eh- eh- eh- eh,” making baby like motions and they look and sound like babies!

So these six guys come together and get out their recording equipment , turn it on, and record their song BOYFRIEND for this person. What good friends to do that for the Minwoo! But Minwoo should have remembered his boyfriend’s birthday earlier! Write LOVE YA or something on the CD and it is ready to go! Now we can enjoy a wonderful video of dancing. They use the garage to practice dancing right? They are an extreme dance crew right? Back flips, popping, locking, hip hop, hand stand… that is the extent of my dancing knowledge for crews.

No seriously, the dance at 1:00 reminds me of babies. Maybe someone saying “Oh, that baby is so cute, I want one too!” Doing a shuffle from side to side.

Then Minwoo and Donghyun kidnap Kwangmin (1:06). “Come on, you are the best at hotwiring your dad’s car. Youngmin is too innocent to do it.”

Oh, I’m kidding, they walked, or they rode bikes, because those are the same bikes as in the garage.

All the guys arrive at the house, give gift, mass orgy?

Fuck it, I give up.

ChocoChips321's and Sujushineegirl's Breaking Point Review

Review for Breaking Point by ChocoChips321 and Sujushineegirl

Story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/20869/breaking-point-2min-jongho-jongkey-jongtae-keyxonew-shinee-yaoi

1)      Good Storyline- 15/30 pts

a)      There are a lot things that don’t add to the story and make it boring

b)      The idea is good, but the story is not developed enough to be completely satisfying

2)      followable plot- 6/15 pts

a)      There are too many gaps between ideas and things not being developed enough to make sense and things are rather confusing.

3)      proper grammar- 6/10 pts

a)      All single I must be capitalized

b)      You are still abusing the ellipses (…)

c)      Do not write shouting in complete capital letters

d)     Don’t extend words like “Whooooooooooooooooooooooooo…” because it is confusing, distracting, and readers tend to skip over these parts as they are redundant and pointless.

e)      When someone possesses something else there need’s to be an apostrophe. In cases like Keys should have been Key’s and Fuhrers would have been Fuhrer’s. This shows ownership and doesn’t make the word plural. 

f)       Be careful of the word your and you’re. When you are trying to say “You are” use the conjugation you’re, your is used to show possession. The same with their and there, their is possessive and there is location

g)      Still having simple spelling errors that could be corrected by using spell-check or rereading carefully

4)      Focus on one thing at a time-10/15 pts

a)      Don’t add in random comments from yourself; keep it strictly to what is happening, don’t add in things like “IT IS A KISS YOU STUPID AUTHOR YOU” (Chapter 1). Comments like this distract readers and make it harder to remember what is going on. They are also very annoying. “THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR AN INTERUPPTION STUPID AUTHOR STUPID. NEITHER SHOULD I STUPID TROLL STUPID” (Chapter 3).

b)     Things skip around a lot and don’t make sense. One second Key sends people to chase after Jonghyun, then he is tied up on the flagpole, oh but he won, but he still got hung. That happens often. There isn’t enough information provided and things become unclear

5)      Things make -20/50 pts

a)      How does a 12 year old join the army? -3pts

b)      You do provide explanations for things that readers might not have been concerned about, but once it was put out there it was appreciated 5pts

c)      The process for raising rank seems way too easy

d)     People seem to have a lack of respect and discipline, again, in this story everyone is carefree and acts without responsibilities.

e)      In the beginning there isn’t any real issue with the four being gay and it doesn’t fit the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell rule that should be in state

f)       Make sure to describe exactly what you want your reader to see, don’t just assume they know what you are talking about, “Onew grinned his famous eye-smile grin, yknow that one where it looks funny yet weird at the same time? Yeah.” Actually write what his smile looks like, add in what people think of it, don’t assume we know.

g)      Having a party in the army!!! That is not likely to happen!

h)      I don’t understand what country this is- there is a Fuhrer which is German, Japanese cheer “kanpai”, use of Korean honorifics like Umma and Hyung, but they are in the army for such a long time nothing adds up.

i)        Their personalities don’t make sense. Taemin is practically and adult, and in the army, he should be more independent, not a bundle of Joy calling Key his Umma. Key should have learned not to be so bitchy as well. You’d think that Onew would get over his sangtaeness and actually be professional; he is a Major after all.

j)        There is no way that Jonghyun would have jumped to rank 20 years beyond his experience, even if his father loved him like he was god. It would also be common knowledge that Jonghyun was the Führer’s son.

k)      The believability that Jonghyun would have been hung from the flagpole is very very low. That is disrespectful and they would have to take down the flag first, and he is the Fuhrer’s son! That wouldn’t happen.

6)      Creative- 20/25 pts

a)      The description for the setting is written nicely

b)      Military fics are a little unusual, the idea is original but it has been done before.

c)      You both have a lot of good ideas forming, but you need to develop them and give them more important roles.

7)      Sticks to plot- 1/10pts

a)      You add a lot of unnecessary bits like abandoning Minho then Key and Taemin fighting to get in the car then having to go back and get Minho. This entire bit didn’t need to be there. That happens a lot. You stray from what the story is about.

b)      It took way too long for Jonghyun to actually make an appearance in the story, and he is the main antagonist, so he should be in the first chapter, if not the second.

8)      Not cliché- 8/20 pts

a)      The ideas of drowning in a river, being the son of the Fuhrer, partying when moving up a rank, hanging someone from a flagpole, leaving someone behind, yelling like Tarzan when firing the artillery, these are all very cliché things unless described well. If you want these ideas in the story develop them, make them unique and different, and give them meaning.

9)      Character Development- 10/50 pts

a)      Key is the same Key as always, Diva and a mother to Taemin. Taemin is the normal cutie.

b)      Minho seems to have a more devious side than usual

c)      The characters are different from each other, and that is very important so that readers easily remember who plays what role and what situations they are in. 5 pts

d)     Minho’s role is lacking, and the Fuhrer’s is significantly important, but also doesn’t need to be there. Try and make sure all the SHINee members have a role. Taemin seems to disappear completely then come back a couple of chapters later

e)      Your characters don’t seem to have flaws other than they have annoying personalities. Key is selfish, and Jonghyun wants to torture everyone, that is about it. They need to have more individual flaws that stand out. -4

f)       The only person that seems to have a deeper and more private side is Jonghyun, everyone else is a completely open book

g)      None of their characters change, they don’t learn their lessons, maybe if the story was finished they will have changed, but for now they are static

h)     They do follow stereotypes, the act like typical fifteen year olds, but their characters are so off from what they should actually be. In the army they need to act professional!

i)        The characters are once again mirrors of the childish side of the authors

10)  Good command of POV- 7/10 pts

a)      For some reason POV changes when it really should have been kept in 3^rd person, in chapter 4 suddenly it is Taemin’s POV. There doesn’t seem to be real reason.

11)  Proper structure- 8/15 pts

a)      When going between scenes don’t write LATER, or the location, or the time, anything like that. You can use *** or make a line between the scenes, but don’t add in useless words. Or try to put in a transitional word leading into the next scene.

b)      Instead of using the actual sound, describe the sound. For instance in chapter 3 there was the horn sound “TUDUTUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!” When it really should have been more of “a trumpet blasted in the distance.”

c)      Things are often repeated in ways that become annoying, like when something is stated, then you restate it again for emphasis, usually in all caps, in case we didn’t get it the first time. Readers do get it, but they don’t find it as important as you do.

d)     Try and be consistent with only having one character speak in a paragraph

12)  Dialogue- 25/35 pts 

a)      The way the characters speak does not match their age or setting

b)      The dialogue is very distracting and takes away from the flow of the story

c)      Don’t write yelling in all caps

d)     Try replacing some of the dialogue with description “You need to die” could easily be replaced with ‘He sent daggers’ or something along those lines. “What the fuck” could be replaced with ‘his breath hitched and his blood raised in his cheeks.’ Describe the body or the setting instead, it adds more variety to the writing and makes it less tedious for the reader to go through mass amounts of dialogue.

13)  Title- 4/10 pts

a)      I don’t exactly know what the title means because the story is not completed

b)      The chapter titles seem pointless and vague and don’t really have any deep meaning

14)  Hidden meanings- 20/25 pts

a)      Kerero was a funny nickname

b)      MVP instead of VIP, funny (clearly from Replay)

c)      The “Not me!” in English, that is my one of my favorite lines from Hello Baby.

15)  Forewords and introductions- 7/15 pts

a)      Try and keep character descriptions to a minimum so that the reader can enjoy learning about them through the story -5pts

b)      When introducing characters keep personal comments out. Don’t include narrative from you as an author. -2pts

c)      There are a lot of things in the foreword that if you hadn’t put them there no one would have known, like how Jonghyun was able to be a General. Some people might assume he was just awesome unless they actually carefully read the foreword. -1pt

d)     The ways the characters are introduced in the actual story is good, no “I am ___” statements or “Hi, I am this rank ____”

16)  Literacy elements (metaphors, alliteration, similes, personification, irony, foreshadowing, hyperbole, allusions etc.) 1bonus point  

17)  the author grew as an writer and gain experience and knowledge bonus of 1-5 points added based on growth and experience

18)  reader's comments- no points are rewarded

a)      Clearly there needs to be some more 2min action

b)      People don’t really like Jonghyun, so try and add some likeable traits to his character

c)      Your story is not taken seriously, it is seen as a light mood, and a comedy, it doesn’t fit the setting but matches with your writing styles very well

d)     You’d get more comments if you went into depth with your plot; really play on Jonghyun being evil and cockblocking 2Min and OnKey. Make it tragic that Key was almost raped, make Taemin completely lose his innocence and have that angst come out, have Minho furious for Taemin, completely break Onew’s spirit, this would stir up a big reaction.

167+2/335

169/335

50%