Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/177633
1)
Title-6/10
pts
a)
I assume your title means that GD and TOP will form a
duo again, but otherwise I am not sure what the title is referring to
b)
The title itself is kind of bland and simple, it
doesn’t really attract my eye
c)
Chapter titles were good, highlighting the important
parts of the chapter for the story
2)
Foreword
and Introduction-12/15 pts
a)
“it’s” in the description should be capitalized, even
if it is a quote from Chapter 6
b)
It is very eye catching, but there should be a little
more in the foreword to either show more of your process of writing or a small
snippet of the fic.
c)
I’m not exactly sure what the fic is about and the
foreword doesn’t help.
3)
Command
of POV-10/10 pts
a)
No problems here
4)
Proper
structure-15/15 pts
a)
Good job not changing the color or font to something
obnoxious.
b)
Flashbacks are included appropriately
5)
Proper
Grammar-8/10 pts
a)
There is a slight inconsistency with tense. You should
get a beta (another user) to read over your chapters before you post them.
Ex:
So each of them walked down their own
paths, but Jiyong stays.
Should
be: “Each of them walked down their own
path, but Jiyong stayed.”
b)
Several sentences, more than I would let pass, start
with the FANBOYS (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) words. Using them too often
makes everything sound like a list. And he did this. But that happened. So they
retaliated like this. For him it was awesome.
c)
Also, some of your sentences are worded awkwardly, as
if you meant one thing but it came out wrong. The message is conveyed, but
there is a small “What?” moment.
6)
Focuses
on one thing at time-14/15 pts
a)
It skips around slightly, but it all ties back
together.
b)
The flow is only interrupted when you don’t smoothly
transition between two different moments.
7)
Dialogue-35/35
pts
a)
You don’t tell the story through their conversation
b)
Everything said is relevant
8)
Character
Development-50/50 pts
a)
You’ve done a good job describing Jiyong’s emotions and
thought process
b)
Same with Seunghyun’s, I actually understand them
c)
Their actions and interactions showcase their feelings
splendidly, you did everything right
d)
There were times when I was cooing at Jiyong’s cuteness
and applauding Seunghyun’s maturity
e)
You’ve done well with contrasting what is going through
Seunghyun and Jiyong’s heads in the same scenes. Like in Chapter 5 when they
were on the couch.
9)
Creative-25/25
pts
a)
It wasn’t overly obvious, you did well with keeping
things fresh and new
b)
It’s wonderful how you have a these small unique parts
that make the story your own (the flavors, the ice cream, their song making,
the cigarettes, Jiyong’s hair color)
10) Not Cliché-20/20 pts
a)
Band breakup is a fairly uncommon idea for bands that
are still young and at their peaks so it was nice to see for Big Bang
b)
The few questionable parts added in were easily twisted
to reflect your story and not reflect
some other GTOP fic out there
11) Good Storyline-28/30 pts
a)
The story is very good, it’s original
b)
The flow is a little slow, like there is no defining
climax early on that stands out clearly from the rest. It could arise in future
chapters, but right now it isn’t there.
12) Followable Plot-14/15 pts
a)
It is very easy to follow, the only confusing parts
are when things skip around and haven’t been explained immediately
13) Sticks to Plot-9/10 pts
a)
At this point, I’m not entirely sure what the main
focus of the plot is. There are layers to it. Their romance, the bands breakup,
and Jiyong’s destruction.
b)
It’s good to have all of this, but I can’t really judge
the progression of the story well if I don’t know what the focus is.
c)
Of these three, they are really well developed and
intertwined perfectly
14) Things Make sense-48/50 pts
a)
The only thing I found strange was Jiyong leaving the
studio for a day. Things might be laid back in this business, but no one cared
that he wasn’t there?
15) Hidden Meanings-25/25 pts
a)
I like how one thing will stand for something and then
later mean something else
b)
There is also that part about knowing and understanding
that forces readers to actually read to understand what it means. Great way to
keep your readers reading. Emphasize this more in the future?
16) Author grew as a writer- 5
a)
You didn’t grow as much as write consistently well
throughout the fic. You made me feel something and really connected me to the
characters and their situation.
b)
You also understand an OTP and how readers react. It’s
not so much about how they fall in love but the fact that they love each other
and have to struggle to keep each other.
17) Readers’ comments- no points
awarded
a)
You deserve every single comment.
b)
Those comments reflect how I feel
c)
Bro, all the feels
I was
hovering over the toilet, not sure if I was going to vomit or not, when I
remembered I hadn’t done your review yet. I set Friday as the deadline for
myself, and, alas, here was Friday with no review done. Your fic isn’t hard to
read, in fact, it is the style I like the best. Angst, broken bands, unsure
feelings, and raw emotions.
You
write really beautiful, emotional sentences and I’m looking forward to more.
319+5/335
324/335
97%
