Review for Breaking Point by ChocoChips321 and Sujushineegirl
Story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/20869/breaking-point-2min-jongho-jongkey-jongtae-keyxonew-shinee-yaoi
1) Good Storyline- 15/30 pts
a) There are a lot things that don’t add to the story and make it boring
b) The idea is good, but the story is not developed enough to be completely satisfying
2) followable plot- 6/15 pts
a) There are too many gaps between ideas and things not being developed enough to make sense and things are rather confusing.
3) proper grammar- 6/10 pts
a) All single I must be capitalized
b) You are still abusing the ellipses (…)
c) Do not write shouting in complete capital letters
d) Don’t extend words like “Whooooooooooooooooooooooooo…” because it is confusing, distracting, and readers tend to skip over these parts as they are redundant and pointless.
e) When someone possesses something else there need’s to be an apostrophe. In cases like Keys should have been Key’s and Fuhrers would have been Fuhrer’s. This shows ownership and doesn’t make the word plural.
f) Be careful of the word your and you’re. When you are trying to say “You are” use the conjugation you’re, your is used to show possession. The same with their and there, their is possessive and there is location
g) Still having simple spelling errors that could be corrected by using spell-check or rereading carefully
4) Focus on one thing at a time-10/15 pts
a) Don’t add in random comments from yourself; keep it strictly to what is happening, don’t add in things like “IT IS A KISS YOU STUPID AUTHOR YOU” (Chapter 1). Comments like this distract readers and make it harder to remember what is going on. They are also very annoying. “THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR AN INTERUPPTION STUPID AUTHOR STUPID. NEITHER SHOULD I STUPID TROLL STUPID” (Chapter 3).
b) Things skip around a lot and don’t make sense. One second Key sends people to chase after Jonghyun, then he is tied up on the flagpole, oh but he won, but he still got hung. That happens often. There isn’t enough information provided and things become unclear
5) Things make -20/50 pts
a) How does a 12 year old join the army? -3pts
b) You do provide explanations for things that readers might not have been concerned about, but once it was put out there it was appreciated 5pts
c) The process for raising rank seems way too easy
d) People seem to have a lack of respect and discipline, again, in this story everyone is carefree and acts without responsibilities.
e) In the beginning there isn’t any real issue with the four being gay and it doesn’t fit the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell rule that should be in state
f) Make sure to describe exactly what you want your reader to see, don’t just assume they know what you are talking about, “Onew grinned his famous eye-smile grin, yknow that one where it looks funny yet weird at the same time? Yeah.” Actually write what his smile looks like, add in what people think of it, don’t assume we know.
g) Having a party in the army!!! That is not likely to happen!
h) I don’t understand what country this is- there is a Fuhrer which is German, Japanese cheer “kanpai”, use of Korean honorifics like Umma and Hyung, but they are in the army for such a long time nothing adds up.
i) Their personalities don’t make sense. Taemin is practically and adult, and in the army, he should be more independent, not a bundle of Joy calling Key his Umma. Key should have learned not to be so bitchy as well. You’d think that Onew would get over his sangtaeness and actually be professional; he is a Major after all.
j) There is no way that Jonghyun would have jumped to rank 20 years beyond his experience, even if his father loved him like he was god. It would also be common knowledge that Jonghyun was the Führer’s son.
k) The believability that Jonghyun would have been hung from the flagpole is very very low. That is disrespectful and they would have to take down the flag first, and he is the Fuhrer’s son! That wouldn’t happen.
6) Creative- 20/25 pts
a) The description for the setting is written nicely
b) Military fics are a little unusual, the idea is original but it has been done before.
c) You both have a lot of good ideas forming, but you need to develop them and give them more important roles.
7) Sticks to plot- 1/10pts
a) You add a lot of unnecessary bits like abandoning Minho then Key and Taemin fighting to get in the car then having to go back and get Minho . This entire bit didn’t need to be there. That happens a lot. You stray from what the story is about.
b) It took way too long for Jonghyun to actually make an appearance in the story, and he is the main antagonist, so he should be in the first chapter, if not the second.
8) Not cliché- 8/20 pts
a) The ideas of drowning in a river, being the son of the Fuhrer, partying when moving up a rank, hanging someone from a flagpole, leaving someone behind, yelling like Tarzan when firing the artillery, these are all very cliché things unless described well. If you want these ideas in the story develop them, make them unique and different, and give them meaning.
9) Character Development- 10/50 pts
a) Key is the same Key as always, Diva and a mother to Taemin. Taemin is the normal cutie.
b) Minho seems to have a more devious side than usual
c) The characters are different from each other, and that is very important so that readers easily remember who plays what role and what situations they are in. 5 pts
d) Minho ’s role is lacking, and the Fuhrer’s is significantly important, but also doesn’t need to be there. Try and make sure all the SHINee members have a role. Taemin seems to disappear completely then come back a couple of chapters later
e) Your characters don’t seem to have flaws other than they have annoying personalities. Key is selfish, and Jonghyun wants to torture everyone, that is about it. They need to have more individual flaws that stand out. -4
f) The only person that seems to have a deeper and more private side is Jonghyun, everyone else is a completely open book
g) None of their characters change, they don’t learn their lessons, maybe if the story was finished they will have changed, but for now they are static
h) They do follow stereotypes, the act like typical fifteen year olds, but their characters are so off from what they should actually be. In the army they need to act professional!
i) The characters are once again mirrors of the childish side of the authors
10) Good command of POV- 7/10 pts
a) For some reason POV changes when it really should have been kept in 3rd person, in chapter 4 suddenly it is Taemin’s POV. There doesn’t seem to be real reason.
11) Proper structure- 8/15 pts
a) When going between scenes don’t write LATER, or the location, or the time, anything like that. You can use *** or make a line between the scenes, but don’t add in useless words. Or try to put in a transitional word leading into the next scene.
b) Instead of using the actual sound, describe the sound. For instance in chapter 3 there was the horn sound “TUDUTUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!” When it really should have been more of “a trumpet blasted in the distance.”
c) Things are often repeated in ways that become annoying, like when something is stated, then you restate it again for emphasis, usually in all caps, in case we didn’t get it the first time. Readers do get it, but they don’t find it as important as you do.
d) Try and be consistent with only having one character speak in a paragraph
12) Dialogue- 25/35 pts
a) The way the characters speak does not match their age or setting
b) The dialogue is very distracting and takes away from the flow of the story
c) Don’t write yelling in all caps
d) Try replacing some of the dialogue with description “You need to die” could easily be replaced with ‘He sent daggers’ or something along those lines. “What the fuck” could be replaced with ‘his breath hitched and his blood raised in his cheeks.’ Describe the body or the setting instead, it adds more variety to the writing and makes it less tedious for the reader to go through mass amounts of dialogue.
13) Title- 4/10 pts
a) I don’t exactly know what the title means because the story is not completed
b) The chapter titles seem pointless and vague and don’t really have any deep meaning
14) Hidden meanings- 20/25 pts
a) Kerero was a funny nickname
b) MVP instead of VIP, funny (clearly from Replay)
c) The “Not me!” in English, that is my one of my favorite lines from Hello Baby.
15) Forewords and introductions- 7/15 pts
a) Try and keep character descriptions to a minimum so that the reader can enjoy learning about them through the story -5pts
b) When introducing characters keep personal comments out. Don’t include narrative from you as an author. -2pts
c) There are a lot of things in the foreword that if you hadn’t put them there no one would have known, like how Jonghyun was able to be a General. Some people might assume he was just awesome unless they actually carefully read the foreword. -1pt
d) The ways the characters are introduced in the actual story is good, no “I am ___” statements or “Hi, I am this rank ____”
16) Literacy elements (metaphors, alliteration, similes, personification, irony, foreshadowing, hyperbole, allusions etc.) 1bonus point
17) the author grew as an writer and gain experience and knowledge bonus of 1-5 points added based on growth and experience
18) reader's comments- no points are rewarded
a) Clearly there needs to be some more 2min action
b) People don’t really like Jonghyun, so try and add some likeable traits to his character
c) Your story is not taken seriously, it is seen as a light mood, and a comedy, it doesn’t fit the setting but matches with your writing styles very well
d) You’d get more comments if you went into depth with your plot; really play on Jonghyun being evil and cockblocking 2Min and OnKey. Make it tragic that Key was almost raped, make Taemin completely lose his innocence and have that angst come out, have Minho furious for Taemin, completely break Onew’s spirit, this would stir up a big reaction.
167+2/335
169/335
50%
No comments:
Post a Comment