Review for Cat’s Milk by ChocoChips321
Story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/24269/cat-s-milk-2min-angst-bondage-mature-shinee-smut-yaoi
1) Good Storyline- 12/30 pts
a) There is a complete lack of storyline. The basic story is Taemin being auctioned to Jonghyun and having sex with him. That’s it, this is a sex story. There are ideas out there that could become a story, but so far nothing has come together.
2) followable plot- 8/15 pts
a) There plot seems to be that Jonghyun is teaching Taemin about sex. The ideas don’t connect together well or at all and things are introduced too rapidly, like the new person being added to make a foursome.
3) proper grammar- 2/10 pts
a) There was a mistake in the second sentence of the actual story. “Especially since when your a cat with no home nor a master.” The “your” should have been “you’re” because it is a conjugation of “you” and “are”. That was not a good start.
b) There are a lot of spelling errors like “crotched (chapter 2) instead of “crouched”. Also there were “emphazize” instead of “emphasize”; “to” instead of “too”; “cant” instead of “can’t” (can’t is a conjugation of can and not); “im” instead of “I’m”; “diaglogue” instead of “dialogue”; “dont” instead of “don’t” (also a conjugation of do and not);
c) Sentences shouldn’t start off with FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So). The cases when a FANBOY did start a sentence it was not a good emphasis because the FANBOY started sentence should have been part of the previous sentence as it is a compound sentence.
d) All individual ‘I’ should be capitalized whether they start a sentence or not. Having an “i” is not correct.
e) Using the ellipses (…) is not a way to show the sentence discontinues. While you technically used them correctly, the ellipses were overused and the emphasis they created was completely gone. Many of them should be replaced with commas and description at the end of dialogue and thoughts.
f) When writing numbers try and write the actual word instead of the number
g) Don’t write full sentences or full words completely capitalized, even if they are yelling
4) Focus on one thing at a time-6/15 pts
a) Taemin’s attention changes from one thing to another instantly like a person without good focus. He describes Onew crouching down, and then the next sentence is about his clothing being weird. They don’t flow because the transitions between ideas are missing.
b) The first few chapters have nothing to do with the actual story of sex lessons, but for some reason you spent a long time on them.
c) Too many things happen in one chapter
5) Things make sense-35/50 pts
a) When Taemin becomes an orphan, he must have been younger than fourteen because it is mentioned that after he turned fourteen he lost his freedom. I assume that means they didn’t use him sexually until after he was fourteen. At such a young age, he shouldn’t have been on the streets. Parents will usually choose someone to be a guardian incase they die or become unable to care for their child. In my case I would first go to my older sister, then my aunts or uncles, and then finally our close neighbors. But Taemin is suddenly a street urchin. Even if he didn’t have someone else to care for him, surely social services or even an orphanage or foster home would care for him. -10pts
b) It would have made more sense for Onew to have changed his name from Lee Jinki to Onew since Jinki is his real name already.
c) Jonghyun has a whole staff to make him a meal, it was totally random to have Taemin cook, to make Yakgwa, and to spell out his name. Really, the staff should have made something, or an explanation to why Jonghyun insisted for Taemin to cook should have been provided.
d) Taemin has been going around having sex for at least the last two years, so he should be used to sex a bit more. His stamina is weird for his experience and his bad BJs are also not expected.
e) After the first lesson, in the morning Jonghyun could have completely taken advantage of Taemin. He is such a sex addict but he could handle a naked Taemin next to him without pouncing on him? I’d imagine him fucking him instead of letting him rest during the day.
f) How is this a 2Min? All I see so far is JongTae and a little bit of Minho on the side.
6) Creative- 10/25 pts
a) Putting bits of Taemin’s sex during his introduction was interesting and I liked it.
b) Loved the use of paradoxes. In the first chapter you used that paragraph “Hope. Death. Love. Hate. Life. Happiness. Sorrow. Depression. Light. Sad. Evil. Good. Lust. End. Start. Beginning...” They are opposites –love and hate, life and death, good and evil, hope and sorrow, happiness and depression, end and start.
c) You did very well in the beginning, then you got to chapter two and everything became rather dumb. What made all the interesting description meaningless was the dialogue.
d) This plot has been done before, several times.
7) Sticks to plot- 4/10pts
a) No, not at all. There are a lot of useless things included like the whole process of the auction. The way the auction is written there is no significance and should have been kept while other parts should go into more detail.
b) The relationship with Key and Onew is overlooked for the overuse of fuck
8) Not cliché- 15/20 pts
a) Starting right from the description I already see two cliché things from my list of clichés. #7- sex in general and #11- Orphans.
b) Jonghyun was a whore, again (#44)
c) Key was a diva (#42)
d) The sex was sort of creative, the yakgwa was interesting
e) The cliché themes in the story were actually very irrelevant, mostly the orphan thing. The other parts passed by so quickly that they didn’t matter, like the entire episode with Key.
9) Character Development- 7/50 pts
a) The characters are typical characters that can be found in any story, not original at all
b) They all act the same, cussing and insulting each other, acting immature and stupid, fuck fuck fuckity fuck, don’t see that a sex auction is really bad, Onew and Taemin act the same, Taemin and Key act the same, Jonghyun and Taemin act the same, Onew and Jonghyun act the same. Minho is a less obnoxious version of Jonghyun. They are all the same person with a different name.
c) Some people are added in for no reason;
i) at this point there was no point for Minho even being there because he didn’t have sex with Taemin.
ii) Key didn’t do anything either other than bitch and suddenly want to catch up with Taemin.
iii) Onew seems to have an important role, but after being selling Taemin, he is never mentioned again.
d) The characters all have the same flaws and practically no good traits. They are all jerks and idiots and sex craved addicts.
e) What you see is what they are, other than Taemin’s suicidal thoughts in the beginning and Onew’s regret over Taemin, there is no deeper side to any of the characters. With them it is simply “Fuck! Shut up! Ngh, ahhh, ooohh!”
f) There are several places where there could be a change in their personality, but all the characters except Jinki are static characters and don’t alter at all.
g) Taemin is a typical slut that sort of doesn’t want to have sex but loves it anyway, Key is a diva, Onew is sort of caring but a bastard anyway, Jonghyun is a sex addict, and Minho is the friend that wants to join in, these are cliché characterizations for sexual stories.
h) There isn’t a difference between the narrator in the smut chapters and the narration from Taemin, this reflects how Taemin (and the other SHINee characters) are childish versions of the author.
10) Good command of POV- 5/10 pts
a) I do agree that POV changes should never be written out, but to suddenly change the point of view was really unprofessional. After this, it is really clear that Taemin’s thoughts reflect your, the author’s, thoughts. The descriptions of the scenes didn’t differ at all. The only way it was actually different was that Taemin’s name was used instead of “I”.
b) Taemin reflects a slap happy author
11) Proper structure- 11/15 pts
a) It is always a good idea to put the last bit from the previous chapter again at the beginning; it helps readers remember what happened in the previous chapter and allows for clarity without confusion over forgotten plot lines.
b) There shouldn’t author’s notes in the middle of the story like in chapter 9.
c) Characters speak in their own paragraphs and ideas are mostly separated from other ideas
12) Dialogue- 3/35 pts
a) When people yell don’t write in capital letters, try to use descriptive words at the end of the dialogue to show the intensity of their tone.
b) Since the story goes along a darker and more mature theme the dialogue should have been kept to the minimum. This reflects how older readers will think more than speak and it also adds to the drama.
c) The characters speak in their own paragraphs 3pts
d) Every word they speak is practically fuck. Variation must be added to their vocabulary.
e) What they say is pretty much pointless
f) They talk way too much! Your description is actually good, but the dialogue makes everything seem stupid.
13) Title- 5/10 pts
a) So Taemin is the cat, and the milk is his come, that is what I am assuming, but the title isn’t very relevant to the story other than it having sexual indications.
b) Chapter titles are simple and explain what the chapter is about after Taemin and Jonghyun start their lessons, but before they were sort of crude and took from random parts in the chapter.
14) Hidden meanings- 5/25 pts
a) Everything is voiced out very clearly and other than the confusing history between characters there aren’t any hidden clues
b) Minho and Jonghyun’s relationship?
c) Jinki and Taemin’s relationship?
d) Key and Taemin’s relationship?
e) The fourth person? I don’t think it is Key because he worked at the auction.
15) Forewords and introductions- 9/15 pts
a) The foreword is lacking greatly. Wait, I mean the description is lacking because your foreword is an apology about not writing often.
b) The description should be a short snippet to draw in readers. As you should know, the description is the part that is shown when readers browse fanfics, but the foreword is what people look at for more information.
c) After the length of your story was extended, simply change the information, otherwise it looks messy and unorganized.
d) The “foreword” in extremely brief and in no way shows how you write. A foreword really should demonstrate your writing skills so that the reader can judge whether they want to read or not. The only thing your reader has to go on is that short intro.
e) Luckily it was interesting enough. But if I was a reader I would not have subscribed just yet. 1pt
f) Taemin’s introduction of himself was actually very good. He didn’t state who he was bluntly and parts about him were given out. 4pts
g) Everyone was introduced with good description and not obvious clues to who they were. 4pts
16) Smut- 7/10 pts
a) Never reviewed smut before, but it should be fairly simply, I hope.
b) Umm, readers love foreplay and drawn out pleasure, so the whole vibrator punishment was perfect, except if there had been more details about the pleasure Taemin was feeling it would have been much better
c) Minho didn’t even get any, so his role in the threesome was almost nonexistent, he should get a bigger role (it is 2min), maybe some double penetration like Taemin accidently suggested or at least have Taemin give a better blowjob
d) The ribbon cockring was sort of nice, I expected a tie, but a ribbon is just a good. When people have cockrings the act of dry orgasming makes readers jittery. Also, the pain of not being allowed to cum would have driven us insane.
e) Smut plays an important (if not the main) role in the fic and should be thought out well. When you throw something in there try and use it, like the forgotten aphrodisiac.
f) The bondage was mentioned, but it didn’t actually play a big part in the sex
17) Literacy elements (metaphors, alliteration, similes, personification, irony, foreshadowing, hyperbole, allusions, repetition, paradox, etc.) 3 pts
18) the author grew as an writer and gained experience and knowledge- Bonus 0pts . It seems that the first chapter was actually the best because of the writing style and how the description went over. Then Taemin opened his mouth and as he would say, it was FUCK.
19) reader's comments- no points awarded
a) actually, on another one of your stories I know for a fact my comments have not been very creative because I didn’t really have much to say about the chapter. A lot of readers do the same on this story with a “SMUT!” or Where’s the 2min?” and a “Jjong was hot!” However, there isn’t a lot on how you wrote or how the story is going, because you are already aware that there is a major lack of one. There were a lot of simple “Update soon!” because readers didn’t have much to say anyway.
b) In a chapter where nothing relevant happens, they have nothing relevant to say.
c) On only smut filled chapters some readers will have reservations on writing comments because some people don’t want to come off completely perverted, by the way, the ribbon was a nice touch.
d) There is a lot of disappointment with the lack of 2min (mind you, they aren’t my OTP so I was not disappointed at all)
e) Some questions to what happened to the other vibrator Jonghyun had, where did the aphrodisiac go…
f) It is plain that people are mainly reading because it is a smut fic and not because there is any storyline to think about.
g) There was actually a comment that stood out to me that really had me rethinking the way you wrote it, but this was one of the earlier comments before Taemin started acting like happy-go-lucky teen, so this clearly proves that things were actually written better when it was about the actual story and not the rush into sex
h) This really should be marked as a comedy as well because people found the idiocy of the characters as funny
i) People do wish to see more of Onew and Taemin’s history, and they have forgotten that Key works for Onew, but you need to include his history as well, otherwise you should never have mentioned it.
144+3/345
147/345
43%
YOU MUST MARK THIS AS A JONGTAE BECAUSE THERE IS JONGTAE SEX!
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