Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/236258/chameleon-s-mannerism-oneshot-taemin-hurtcomfort
If you want to attract readers, your description really
needs to be something that can draw readers in. It has to be more than just one
sentence. By looking at your foreword and skimming a little, I can tell that
your grammar is slightly off. I’ll revise your prologue so you can see the little
mistakes you are making.
The clock's
pendulum was swinging;
its hands pointed
at the numbers four and number
twelve. The sky gradually turned into a dark shades of orange, red and honey maple
syrups.
Putting down the paper -that which scripted the date, the session's
time, the patient's name, and his/her problem- given by the
administration staff, I stretched my backs and mentally gave myself a pat for. I put on my glasses and
opened a brand new page of my reports book.
Today's session had been the most interesting session in the
history of working as a psychotherapist.
Your grammar isn’t too off, and it could easily be fixed
with a beta reader, another user willing to read your fic and correct your
mistakes. Throughout the actual oneshot it wasn’t too noticeable, though.
The timeline and flow of your story is okay, it’s not like
it skips around too much. There was never a moment when I thought to myself, “When
in the world did this happen?”
The plot is actually wonderful. It’s great in that it is so
relatable to readers of all ages. Finding and expressing our true self is one
of the struggles that we all face. Kids and teens fitting in with the cliques
at school, adults fitting in with their coworkers and neighbors, we all face
these challenges. Going with Taemin in this direction was a great idea. It’s
been one of my concerns about how Taemin was going to outgrow his sweet and shy
image.
You could have elaborated more on the doctor. Male or
female, doesn’t really matter, but I would have like to learn a little more
about them. Not to the point where the focus of the story goes from Taemin to
the doctor, but enough to show how the doctor reacts to Taemin’s dilemma. An
experienced doctor wouldn’t see Taemin’s crisis as to severe, almost expected
because of his occupation; whereas a less experienced doctor, like I assume
this one is, would have a bigger reaction.
The lack of actual dialogue was a nice change and it
probably made the oneshot better than if you had made Taemin and the doctor
actual speak back and forth.
So right now you’re at that point where you are just
brushing the surface. You are giving Taemin’s emotions, but you are not showing
them. Show how Taemin conflicted between listening to his company’s demands and
finding his true self. Because it is something so relatable, you need to dive
in more. I can picture it right now, a moment where Taemin wants to tease his
Hyungs but he’s been told he just needs to smile and look pretty.
All in all, you made a great connection between finding
oneself and a chameleon changing color. It was a very smart idea, and that last
sentence was a really inspiring ending.
If I had to give this a grade it’d be an A.
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