Link:http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/229982/i-m-better-jonghyun-key-minho-onew-shinee-taemin-minhoxoc
As
much as color is pretty, do not change the font color of your text. The change
the font itself, and also don’t change the size. More experienced readers and
writers hate to see that. It makes them feel like you spent more time decorating
your story than you did writing it. I’ve heard complaints of people getting
headaches and nausea and also not being able to read text because they’re
colorblind, so just try and keep it black.
Now
for the photos, you chose good pictures, but they aren’t necessary. The readers
know who Minho and Jonghyun are, and it doesn’t
matter to know what Alice and her friend look like. Instead of using photos to
show their looks, you should take your time to describe them in the fic. It
shows off your talent as a writer to be able to make the readers properly
imagine the characters.
Do
not list the character’s traits like you’ve done in the description. You do
this in the actual fic and build up their character. How you include these
traits and how you make them important and embellish on them affects the
overall quality of your fic. This is once again to highlight your skills as a
writer and show that you can create a person and actual show them off in the
fic.
All
together, I didn’t even read your description or foreword other than that small
info at the top. The character profile was pointless and the foreword was too
cluttered. When you have multiple persons speaking, separate their speeches,
even if it makes the foreword longer, separate them. Remember, the foreword is
where you want to prove to the readers that you can do more than produce
fangirl babble. It showed the traits of the characters and set up the story,
but it wasn’t written well. Clean it up a bit, elaborate more on this defining
moment, and it’d be fine.
Topping
off of chapter 1, don’t say whose POV it is. It can be Billy Bob Joe’s POV and
I don’t want to be told it’s Billy Bob Joe’s. It’s your job as the writer to be
able to portray who is narrating without having to point it out directly. That’s
the same with flashbacks and location changes, these don’t need to be pointed
out, and you need to ease into it for the readers.
For
things like a story or a paper for school, unless it is long, always write out
the numbers. You have 2 instead of two. Even with time. Other grammatical
errors are “sense” instead of “since” and whatnot, these could easily be fixed
with some proofreading and editing. Maybe get a beta or just try and catch them
yourself. Don’t abuse your punctuation like exclamations, ellipsis (…), and
future abuses that might come. Overusing them causes their effectiveness to go
down. Especially those ellipsis, they become meaningless instantly when you use
them for every pause. Thinking back, I believe a dash (-) is more appropriate. Finally,
avoid writing complete words or sentences in all caps when showing someone is
yelling. It makes the scene childish. Just use your descriptive words. Alice yelled threateningly across the hall,
anger overcoming logic. Something like that.
Onto
the characters. Alice
is a bully and is super arrogant. She might be better than Minho
at sports, but she doesn’t have to flaunt it, so bitch. It might be what makes
her really expressive and outgoing, but she needs a reality check, so bitch. Her
actions are over the top and unrealistic and it becomes really cheesy to read. You’ve
done a good job at expressing her character, but I personally don’t like her
and I’d probably want to kick her in the lady parts if I met her in real life.
To
make her likable to people like me, you need to expand on her positive points. Go
more into how she is protective of her friend, how she doesn’t back down from a
challenge (even though it’s a flaw, her acknowledging it could be seen as a positive
point), her need to stand up against bullies and social norms. Also,
acknowledge her flaws. Her arrogance and her bratty attitude when it comes to Minho , both of these make her real and could later turn
into a weakness which makes her all the more real.
You’re
very creative with your insults, and they amuse me.
If
you had elaborated more on the section in the foreword, the situation in
chapter one would have made more sense. So far, it’s a surface level fic. You
need to develop things more, creatively include some background information,
describe the surroundings and what everyone else is doing, and have some back
thoughts. The idea is interesting, but you’re not focusing on it well enough. You’re
throwing the story at the readers and just telling them what is happening from
one second to the next.
Chapter
two: Don’t change color, don’t change font size, don’t change POVs. Don’t use
more than one POV per chapter if you are going to change them. It’s annoying to
see them switch around. You might not have done this, but many writers tend to
repeat things when the POVs change.
Your
story if one big comedy, and if that is what you’re aiming for, you’re on the
right track. Everything is so completely unrealistic that I can see a lot of
people liking it. It’s not to my taste because I don’t like stories that defy
common sense, but it has the potential to be popular. Think things through a
bit more and I’m sure reality will start to sink in.
Overall, the story is interesting, but you are making all
the beginner mistakes.
TL;DR
1. Don’t change the font, color, or POV
2. Don’t use character profiles, elaborate in the fic
3. Don’t exaggerate the scenes too much, portray them
realistically
4. Show the readers that you can write well
5. Develop the storyline, it’s a good one
6. Try and write more, even if you have other fics, just
update later if needed
Good luck with your fics, and enjoy it while it's fun!
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