Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/241533/
Remember,
you asked me to find the cliché parts, so I tore your story apart finding them.
Standard
stuff: Don’t use character profiles. That means you shouldn’t put up a
picture (or pictures in this case) for each character, and you shouldn’t put up
their entire life story which could possibly ruin the story for an unsuspecting
reader. As I am a suspecting reader, I did not read them more than a quick skim
through stalker Luhan’s. Reasons this is important? So as not to spoil the
story for an unsuspecting reader, these notes are better for your use, not them.
Show the readers how well you can write through your story. And if your fic
really has cliché elements, these descriptions will reveal them and turn away
many readers.
You
and your beta need to work hard on the grammar. It’s tough, but little mistakes
like verb tense can also scare away readers. Reread often and look for errors
if you can. Also, try to address Yoona as more than just ‘Yoona’ and ‘She.’
Is
this Cliché: Some parts aren’t so much cliché as simply worded weird so it
comes out over the top. For instance,
This wasn’t what she wanted-no. She studied hard and got her degree, she
pursued her studies in psychology in hope to be an efficient profiler but she
couldn’t make it. Not when she needed money to pay her parent’s debt off, not
when she needed to find a job, not when the money wasn’t enough. She stopped
her studies, and with the education she had right now, this was the best she can be. She was a journalist in a very famous media company,
she worked for their newspaper section and she had heard from her friends that
it was a fast-paced job. [1]
It’s
a very famous media company but the
connotation of the words makes it seem like her job is lacking. Yeah, it’s not
what she wanted, but if she plays her cards right, she can really rake in some
dough. Even if she was working as just an intern –which really makes more sense
than getting a job in the newspaper section right off the bat- someone in need
of money would show more gratefulness, despite her high expectations of
herself.
Yoona’s
job comes off as prestigious and this makes it seem like it was easy for Yoona
to not have the proper education and land the job. That continues in a
direction of Yoona having superior skills to all the other applicants in need
of a job and hunting for her position. Glorifying characters, while this isn’t
quite that yet, can make the character bland despite all their astounding
qualities.
In
some ways, yes, that is a little cliché.
Is
Yoona running into Kai cliché? It happens often, that is true. Seohyun’s
obvious attraction to Kai and Kai’s coldness? Yes, these twists and character
traits are overused as well. Should Yoona have slammed the Starbucks receipt on
Seohyun’s desk, yes, she should have. Starbucks is expensive. Have I read a few
college psychology books, indeed I have, is there something a little off about
Luhan, indeed there is. He’s not a stalker, just a really creepy ex-boyfriend.
The
moment when Kai first acknowledges Yoona’s presence, yes, this part is very
cliché.
Kai was surprised, that someone would actually
go against his wish. No one had ever go against him, except his parents and he
was impressed by the feisty girl in front of him. [2]
This
is everywhere. Rich guy gets spoiled, girl doesn’t give him what he wants, and
he takes an interest in her. Seen it a million times. Even the way he describes
her, “feisty girl,” is a very common description. So Kai is rich, big deal,
there is always going to be some other rich guy. Luhan is rich, Kai is rich,
and it’s not a big deal. To make Kai more human and less of another stereotype,
give him friends that treat him as an equal, his parents aren’t enough.
In
fact, making Luhan and Kai rich is just has cliché written all over it. This
particular trait didn’t really bother me until the above mentioned part. When
you emphasized it, you made it unreal and cheesy. Yoona is poor. Luhan is rich.
Luhan likes her and wants to pay for her debts. Kai is rich, Kai is interested
in her. Two rich guys liking poor little Yoona? And they’re all pretty to boot.
“However the physical evidence shows otherwise
as they was no signs of struggles, “ He muttered as he flipped through his
folder. “My partner and I had interviewed her mother and apparently she had
depression since a year ago when they house was burnt down, alongside with her
father. But her depression was only mild and she was actually coping well. We
did not know what pushed her towards the edge. We assume that it could be
someone affecting her emotionally, giving her a pushed inside.” He looked up at
Yoona once more and smiled. “In fact my partner and I are going to visit her
best friend later to find out more information before making a actually
hypothesis, do you want to
come along?” She immediately stopped typing and looked up, “ Can we???”
she breathed excitedly. She loved sloving cases and since she had always wanted
to be a detective, if it wasn’t for money therefore this was a great
opportunity. Kai looked at Yoona amused by her eager and enthusiastic. Sehun
laughed and nodded his head, “Both of you can take a break, my partner will
arrive soon with more details of her best friend and then four of us will
proceed together.” [3]
Here
is an example of things working out incredibly well for Yoona. No. This would
never happen and the fact that it is adds onto that perfect scenario cliché.
Sehun would not allow Yoona and Kai to “come along.” Their tagalong would
compromise the investigation. Besides, reporters are not the police’s best
friends. Insides scoops on the investigation could also lead to a mistrial,
among other things. Anyway, detective and psych analyst are two different
things. It actually looks like three different paragraphs in one, (it should be
three because the speakers switch back and forth), and looks clustered.
Remember,
two speakers are not allowed to speak in the same paragraph.
Another
cliché, Amber and Krystal living together in an apartment at the age of
seventeen. Considering that housing in Korea is expensive, I don’t think
two seventeen year old girls would be able to afford that on their own. In the
past Krystal was a bitchy twelve year old? Okay, this is believable, but that
manner it is told in makes it very banal.
Next,
Kai, Yoona, Sehun, and Luhan all having dinner together after this. They went
to the police station at 10 AM, waited half an hour for Luhan, didn’t talk that
long to Krystal, and are having dinner? Lunch, dear, lunch. But in normal
circumstances they wouldn’t be having any meal together like this. Yoona and
Kai would have gone back to the office to work on their report. No meal, these
people aren’t friends, they are just brief associates.
Another
cliché, skipping what could have been a productive day at work to play games at
an internet café.
One
more cliché: Sehun and his interaction with Kai and Yoona. He is a
detective/police officer person thing and he is acting unprofessional when
these circumstances are dire. There is a dead girl out there and he is making
jokes about Yoona being more focused on the case instead of him. Thank goodness
there was that awkward coffee moment leading to the actual case.
And
Yoona’s pmsing in chapter 7 was a tad bit over dramatic. It’s part of her
character, so I’ll let it go.
Analysis:
Despite everything I wrote above, the problem with your story is not the cliché
element that likes to pop out every few paragraphs (and in the characters) but
in the plot development. The story should focus more on the fake suicide case
if the fake suicide is significant. If somehow the case aids in Yoona’s
romance, then it needs to be played up a little more. One thing is for sure,
you really need to keep them working. They have a job, and since you mentioned
it being fast paced, I assume that means taking on more than one report to do
at a time. They shouldn’t waste their time, so add in small comments that show
they are actually doing their jobs.
One
part that really needs more focus is Luhan and Yoona’s history. They were a
happy couple, but now they are apart? Give some hints throughout the story as
to what happened. Luhan still loves her, perhaps a little too much, and he is
right, relationships don’t just end because she says they do.
Kai,
at this point I can’t even guess what his role in the future will be. He’s
still only interested, and I’m kind of hoping it stays like that.
Another
problem is their relationship with each other, Yoona, Luhan, Kai, and Sehun. It’s odd, unprofessional, and
unrealistic, especially when it comes to Sehun being happy to share information
and Yoona and Luhan working together.
All
in all, I don’t think your story would be one that someone wouldn’t continue reading. If they get passed the foreword and
start reading, I think they would be interested enough to continue reading and
subscribe, maybe comment if they have the courage to do so. Your story isn’t bad, the grammar needs a lot of work,
but you already know that and have a beta, so it’s okay. I don’t know, work on
these parts and you should feel better.
[1]
Chapter 1
[2]
Chapter 3
[3]
Chapter 3
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