Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/214825
1)
Title-N/A
a)
You’re right; your title has nothing to do with the
story. Should I give you a 0 for that? No, because you acknowledge it. I just
won’t score you for this.
b)
Title suggestions: No idea, just think of your fic, think
of what you have planned, think of the feeling, some parts that might come up
again. Change your title to something that fits.
2)
Foreword,
Description, Tags, and Introduction-8/15 pts
a)
Your description is okay, but it seems to be missing a
few words, making it sound awkward in some parts. It does the job of attracting
interest, but it is a little plain.
b)
While the description is okay, your foreword is
entirely lacking. No, there isn’t any law that says you need to have a foreword
in your story, but since it is there I think you need to include something, whether it is a prologue,
summary, or note from yourself.
c)
Forewords allow readers to test a writer’s ability.
There are some readers that will not read the fic if they aren’t hooked
immediately.
d)
You do skip around with the different scenes of the
prologue. Instead of separating the moments you should connect them with the
in-between details. For instance, what happened between Hoya getting them into
a cab to Sunggyu waking up?
e)
This jumpy style is good if it gets the message across,
but it is better suited for oneshots
where there isn’t as much room for telling a whole story. It’s okay to write a
lot. Even if it starts getting lengthy, if you get the point across and demonstrate
your skills, no one will get annoyed.
f)
Because the first half of the prologue skips around so
much and isn’t clear, I think the better start to the prologue is from Hoya and
Sunggyu on the beach.
g)
For a prologue it has the perfect air of mystery that
leaves the reader hanging on their seats. What happened to Hoya and Sunggyu in
their past? The reader will want to know more and find out.
3)
Basics-30/30 pts
a)
POV: No changes are made, good.
b)
Font: No changes are made, good.
c)
Structure: No errors in characters speaking in the same
paragraphs, stating the obvious during scene changes or flashbacks, and no
script writing.
d)
Alignment: No changes are made, good.
e)
Dialogue: No useless conversations are made and it is
not the main part.
4)
Proper
Grammar-10/10
pts
a)
Your grammar is fine. I’m sure some grammar Queen
spotted a few errors, but that doesn’t really matter. Any errors you might have
had didn’t interrupt the flow of the story and that’s really what matters.
5)
Character
Development-40/50
pts
a)
I like the way you develop the characters. You actually
develop them. It’s subtle and their traits aren’t being thrown out there just
because, the characters act reasonable for the situations.
b)
To help with the characterization you should focus more on their emotions. I really
wanted to know how Sunggyu felt when Woohyun left him to care for Myungsoo by
himself. Otherwise they all feel very flat.
c)
If you are going to use nicknames that the fandom knows
on principle, at least add in some description that supports these details.
It’s not enough to just call Sunggyu a hamster, describe why. If you don’t,
then it doesn’t actually fit in with the story.
d)
While I said I liked how you are developing them, you are actually leaving quite a bit
out. With the enthusiastic characters like Sungjong and Sungyeol, their
personalities and likes show, but with the quieter ones like Sunggyu, Myungsoo,
and Woohyun, I know almost nothing about them from your descriptions.
e)
You got better later in the fic at revealing their
traits
6)
Originality
and Predictability-35/35
pts
a)
Your story isn’t cliché; at least it doesn’t feel like
it. You write very differently. When we think of cliché plots we think of the
main character yelling at someone for bullying their friend and threatening to
beat them up as if they are some ally to justice. Your story does not have that
feeling at all, mostly because the characters lack reactions to things. One of
the main reasons cliché stories feel that way is because of the over the top
reactions the characters have to the situation. Because of your character’s
toned down reaction, it doesn’t seem out of the ordinary and cliché.
b)
You made the story your own.
c)
Because of the flow, the story is not predictable at
all, but even if the flow was correct I think the multiple storylines would
keep the reader engaged.
7)
Focus
and Flow-15/25
pts
a)
The scenes shift
too suddenly. They just kind of happen. Instances in chapter 2 are the
introduction to Woohyun five years later, Sunggyu’s Chemistry teacher suddenly
calling for him, meeting Sungyeol and going to karaoke, and taking Myungsoo
home. Take the time to elaborate on each part so that it can smoothly flow into the next part.
b)
You do a good job describing the physical aspects, so
to help get the full picture, go into
their emotions and thoughts.
c)
While talking about the physical description, let’s add
that it is very boring. You made it like a list. This person did something,
that person watched, another person received this action, and another was on
standby. There is no in between and
let’s-stop-for-a-moment-and-analyze-the-way-he-walks-with-his-head-down detail.
d)
The scenes are so shifty that the fic is almost not
enjoyable. Something happens; it’s not explained, repeat.
e)
Hi Sunggyu, crazy meeting you in the bathroom here,
kiss me! (Chapter 3) You really, really, really need to include Sunggyu’s
thoughts. All the craziness of this moment and absurdity is lost when it seems
like Sunggyu is taking it all in stride. It came off as “this, this, and this
happen, and then Sunggyu was angry.” Waiting
until later chapters to show his feelings about something won’t work. Do it
when it happens.
f)
It moves so slowly.
Because of the subtleness of the reactions, the story doesn’t seem to progress.
It takes a lot of time for you to come back and address things and in that time
you’ve gone into other things and repeated the same process adding onto the
list of things that have been thrown in without explanation.
g)
Try to avoid having cliffhangers that you don’t
immediately follow up in the next chapter, and you shouldn’t have cliffhangers
in the middle of the chapter –follow up on progress
8)
Plot -35/50 pts
a)
Sticks Plot:
i)
I wish you had put
more emphasis on the relationships Sunggyu has with his friends. Let’s say
when Myungsoo had pulled Sunggyu into his bed, rather than a brief paragraph
about what happened, maybe half a chapter would have been better. If you are going
to tag the story Myunggyu or the other pairings, you need to include these
moments. If not, remove those tags, stop tricking those shippers!
(1)
What I want to see: Explain Sunggyu’s relationship with
each of the characters one at a time. How he met the person, what he thinks of them, what they think
of him, how they interact, and why they are significant to the story.
(2)
That does not mean readers want a list like Sunggyu met Sungjong in class. He thinks
Sungjong is a hyper little thing, but he knows that they are close. Every time
Sungjong rambles, Sunggyu spaces out. Absolutely not. Just write the way
you do and somehow include these parts.
ii)
The description –the only hint at what the story is
going to be about- says the story is about Woohyun and Sunggyu, but it starts
off with Hyogu, goes into Myunggyu, then abruptly throws brief Woogyu. If there
are this many relationships going on, put some part in to show how desirable Sunggyu is and connect them somehow.
iii)
Return to Hoya, bring him back somehow, let Sunggyu’s
past out. Hoya could be a crucial crux for all the pairings that could happen.
iv)
Since the musical part doesn’t take part until the
latter half, maybe change your description to match with the story. Make it
more about how Sunggyu deals with his friends and school life, maybe Woohyun’s
random request for him to pretend to be his boyfriend.
b)
Understandable:
i)
Going along with your abrupt scene changes, you are
completely cutting off at the end of chapters and starting somewhere completely
different. The end of chapter 1 is Sunggyu crying and Hoya leaving then chapter
2 starts with their school life. The end of chapter 2 is Myungsoo pulling
Sunggyu into his bed and chapter 3 starts off at school again. It is not
coherent and makes it difficult to follow what is going on.
ii)
Because you don’t focus on one pairing at a time, nor
do you explain what happens until later, a lot of questions are left in the air
and causes confusion.
c)
Interesting:
i)
Despite how messed up the flow of the story is, it has
a good feeling to it. It has a mysterious feeling, like there are a bunch of
hints as to what in the world is going on, but the reader just has to wait to
find out what it means. If you work on the flow of your story then this can
really boost the appeal your style of writing has.
ii)
I like the way you write. You don’t go over the top and
try to make it overly exciting. Granted, this is a key factor into why the
story does come across as boring.
9)
Realistic-45/50 pts
a)
Sunggyu has a Physics and Chemistry teacher? There are
people in my school taking two or three science classes, but that’s because
they don’t want to take them senior year, but that is high school. What is
Sunggyu’s reason for taking two science classes? If they’re college students
then I don’t think he’d be taking two different types of science classes, maybe
two that relate, but not such basic different ones.
b)
More inconsistencies lie with which level of education
they are in. High School or University? I’d like to say university because they
went out drinking and singing and don’t have classes all day, but there are key
parts that resemble Senior High. Usually in universities when a student is late
the lecturer will either ignore them because they don’t care one way or another
(they’re getting the student’s money for taking the class) or they don’t allow
the student into the classroom. When a student gets in trouble gets in trouble
they don’t usually give them detentions but kick them out of the classroom. If
this is how it works for your school system, I’m sorry, but it doesn’t resemble
Korean schooling to me.
c)
When it comes to musicals, it is usually a club or
class performing one. For instance, at my school there was a musical performed
by the choir and theater students. Students not in these two classes weren’t
allowed to audition or help. (Putting these guys into one of these
organizations could have spiced up the story and added some action.)
d)
The character
relationships are realistic, even if you don’t show them that much. It has
that slice-of-life edge where everything just happens. That’s how life is and
your fic portrays that. That’s why it’s so difficult for me to judge your flow
because the fic has this feel.
10) Author grew as a writer- 4
a)
You got better at showing the characters’ emotions and
they all started to show deeper reactions. You were still shifty in some
places, but you got better at controlling that too. This review is through
chapter 11.
11) Readers’
comments- no points awarded
a)
Some of the comments really show that you are leaving
many things unexplained. What happened to Howon? Where did those rumors start
from?
b)
There are a lot
of expectations for all the pairings to get some time, so I urge you to take the time and develop each
pairing better. What I expect is for Hogyu to resurface somehow, but end
tragically with Sunggyu moving on. With Myunggyu I expect Sunggyu to realize
Myungsoo’s feelings and try to reciprocate them but acknowledge Sungyeol’s love
(if he does like Myungie) and let him go. Finally, I expect Woogyu to end up
together.
c)
You don’t have to listen to your readers, don’t feel
pressured. Even if they demand one pairing or fluffy romance, you can throw in
any one of them and make it as angsty, fluffy, funny, fourth emotion as you
want.
d)
I agree with some of the readers, you do write really
well. You have great vocab and your grammar is also good. The only problem is
your listing and shiftiness. You have the power to make your readers react and
go crazy for what happens and they really like your story.
Two
main problems with your fic: Flow and Character reactions and relationships
An
example of messed up flow:
"So, how's it going with Woohyun?" Myungsoo asked out
of a sudden, "I saw him at the cafe that day."
The school bell blared loudly around the school, causing Sunggyu
to jerk awake. [1]
What could have helped:
"So, how's it
going with Woohyun?" Myungsoo asked suddenly out of a sudden, "I saw him
at the cafe that day." Myungsoo’s words weren’t clear, and Sunggyu’s sleepy mind
shut his voice out. The events of the day had really taken a toll on his mental
health and he felt more tired than usual. The question Myungsoo asked was left
at the back of his head and remained unanswered.
The school bell blared loudly around the school, causing Sunggyu
to jerk awake.
Simply
including a few sentences like that shows the condition of Sunggyu, doesn’t
leave a cliffhanger in the middle of this setting, and leads into the next
paragraph.
Example of the relationships:
"Hey Woohyun," Sunggyu said in a small voice without
looking at the said person. When he received a hum, he continued. "Do you
know that I'm having kind of a fight with Sungyeol?" he glanced at Woohyun
before returning his gaze outside, "I think I can fix it tonight."
This time he turned his head to look at Woohyun.
Seconds passed with them only looking at
each other without saying anything; and Woohyun finally responded with a
"why?"
Sunggyu lowered his eyes and fixed his
chin to his knees, "It sort of...happened, and I hope it'll fix soon."
[2]
Could have helped:
"Hey Woohyun," Sunggyu said in a small voice without
looking at the said person. When he received a hum, he continued. "Do you
know that I'm having kind of a fight with Sungyeol?" He glanced at
Woohyun before returning his gaze outside, "I think I can fix it
tonight." This time he turned his head to look at Woohyun.
Seconds passed with them only looking at
each other without saying anything, and then Woohyun finally responded with a
"why?" Memories of his friend asking for a kiss, rejection, and suddenly
lips locking followed by a punch rushed to the front of Sunggyu’s mind.
Sunggyu lowered his eyes and fixed his
chin to his knees, "It sort of...happened, and I hope it'll fix soon."
Drawing
back to that scene emphasizes the important parts of what happened. It shows
that Sungyeol likes Myungsoo and might even show that Myungsoo likes Sunggyu. Throughout
the 11 chapters it is only clear that Sunggyu still loves or is at least
haunted by Hoya.
[1]
Chapter 5
[2]
Chapter 2
218+4/265
222/265
84%
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