mafalda's 집 - Home

Author: mafalda
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/211532/home-action-amber-family-kryber-krystal-romance-home

I apologize about the formatting. Because I copied the Hangul, it got messed up.

I just want to point out that the other review you got was bullshit. They shouldn’t have graded you on your graphics because reviews are for what is written. I also think they focused too much on your grammar and sentence structure when that is clearly not your strong point. It was almost bullying the amount they pointed out. It’s all crap that she said you had a good plot but took off points because there have been movies about it. There have been movies about practically everything so that shouldn’t deter you. And I could easily say that I didn’t enjoy your fic (not that I am) because I don’t like to read about homosexuals (which isn’t the case) and I think it’s ridiculous that their enjoyment of the story is part of the grade. I think the only thing that review could have helped you with is your grammar, and even, then, it would just be easier to get a dedicated beta than make those changes and try and match it elsewhere.

The title of your story, while simple, is actually quite nice and the added Hangul makes it ever so slightly eye-catching. In the description, I was pleased to see that you defined 집 immediately and gave me an idea of the what the story was about. It would have helped to tie what the story is about to home besides the definition, but it is nothing to fret over. So far, I don’t see a clear reason as to why the story is called Home. I can small reasons, but not really.  

Your foreword is okay. It set up the story, yes, but as I was reading it I felt overwhelmed. I wasn’t overwhelmed in a sense that I couldn’t read anymore, but I didn’t know who Jack and Frank are. There are several ways to start a story, and one of them is to throw the reader into the action. I don’t know if you were trying to do it that way, but if you were, you weren’t doing it quite correctly. You want to throw them in at the most crucial part of an action scene.

If you were just trying to be suspenseful while setting up the back story, you “bored” me because you didn’t mention Amber or Krystal. This is a story about these two girls, so I don’t particularly care about the father and other men. It would have been better to describe Krystal being followed and how she doesn’t know what is going on but she feels like she is in danger (or just something related to Krystal) and then smoothly switching to Jack who discovered that she was being tailed and is informing Frank on what to do. This scenario, or something similar, which focuses on Krystal or Amber first would have caught the reader’s attention more.

But you didn’t really do anything wrong, those are just suggestions for improvement. I’m so glad you didn’t do any character profiles or include pictures. I am questioning why you changed the font. You didn’t need to…

Ugh, you have text selection turned off.

The flow of the story is a little messed up. You include a lot of things, but you don’t take time to make them significant nor do you elaborate them. For instance in Chapter 2 when the setting is being introduced, you briefly mention things like the traditional houses or the door opening.

 

A few minutes later, something on the door moved and a rectangular open appeared, revealing the eyes of an old asian lady.

 

This sentence is rather awkward. I don’t exactly know what you mean by “something on the door moved and a rectangle open appeared” but I have a guess. Here is an example of how you could have embellished it.

 

A few minutes later there was a click of a switch and they could see a rectangle outline before it slid open, light shining out of the slot to reveal the wrinkled almond eyes of a woman whose lids were already sagging into her line of vision.

 

It sounds more sophisticated than saying “an old asian lady.”

Then you should take a moment to describe the atmosphere more. How is Krystal feeling? What is the weather like? Windy, cold? How does the old woman act besides the smiling? Her posture? Compare this house to the other houses, is it any different?

If you don’t take the time to describe actions, feelings, and thoughts, the story sounds rushed and doesn’t leave an impression. Make everything significant, or at least sound important.

Also, try to use mature language.

 

The main sliding door was open, revealing a some kind of living room with a long table in the middle, a lot different from the tables Krystal was used to see back in America: this one was really low and dark, contrasting with the color of the whole house, which was all built with a pretty, light-brown wood.

Here is my example. All I did was change a few words and rearrange the sentences.

The main sliding door was open, exposing a living area containing furniture that Krystal was not accustomed to seeing in America. The long table in the middle of the room sat low to the floor, the dark surface contrasting with the color scheme of the house as most of the other furniture and walls were a light-brown, mimicking Oak wood.

Something that will really help the flow is transitions. For instance, directly after the description of the house, Krystal puts on the slippers. Simple follow up on the house by mentioning that Krystal glances at the elder woman taking off her shoes and putting on the slippers. Smooth transitions help ease the choppiness of the flow.

How did she not wake up when they took her from her room? I wake up when someone even walks up the stairs. Please reconsider revising this detail. Maybe include how they might have drugged her or used some other method to ensure that she remained unconscious.

Be creative with your words. While I’m not suggesting that you use a thesaurus and use any word that might mean the same thing, do try to change it up. You may use a thesaurus and use different words if you know what they mean. To describe the “old asian lady” you could use “aged” or “elderly.” “Old” is a very simplistic word.

You are confusing the function of a colon (:) for a semicolon (;). I don’t really know the function of a colon; a semicolon is used to break up two or more related sentences.

Your sentence

Creepy, at the same time nice; the old lady was always smiling.

Corrected:

Creepy yet, at the same time, nice; the old lady was always smiling.

You might feel that the flow is slow because you are including a lot of information, but in reality you are not including many important parts, nor do you make those included important parts stand out from the normal description. As the author you probably feel like you want to tell everything you can think of about the story to the reader, but you always want to progress with the actual storyline. The reader wants the story to progress too.

I want to see Amber from the get-go.

You spent too much time describing the settings (in the early chapters) and not enough focusing on the plot.

The development of the story should have several components. There is the plot, the characters and their relationships, and the different settings. It’s great that you can picture the settings of the story very well, but you also need to pay greater attention to the actual plot. What I get from the first three chapters is that Krystal is in danger and is now in Korea. I shouldn’t be able to summarize the three chapters in one sentence.

Because you generally write paragraphs that are only one to three lines long (through about chapter 11), I suggest that you try not writing long paragraphs. Well, your long ones are not really long, they’re pretty average, but in comparison to your average length, they are excessively long and make me want to skip them. I just know as a reader that if I am used to reading short paragraphs, the longer ones either intimidate or look to long to read and I skim through or skip them all together.

So characters and their relationships. None of the characters make me want to rip my hair out and you have the basics for them down. When you are describing their expressions and actions, you also have to make it flow smoothly. People don’t wear masks that change instantaneously depending on the emotions they are feeling.

Amber really make me feel this. Your characters lack life.

Krystal might ask herself what the hell is going on, but it really feels like me, the reader, is asking all these things. What does Jack do? What’s the deal with this gang? Why Korea? What’s wrong with being gay? While there is clearly something going on, Krystal asks very simple questions, and all you’ve shown is her confusion. You need to develop the other aspects of her. I’ve seen confusion and only confusion. It was mentioned that Krystal felt homesick and lonely, but you didn’t really show it. There is more to characterization than just mentioning thoughts and saying things.

To give Krystal some life, show more of how she is adapting to Korean culture. You always seem to cut it off just as she is embracing these novelties. Also, give Krystal some more personality. She might be arrogant, spoiled, and clueless, but I can’t really tell because her actions do not expand on who she is.

With Amber, she seems to be angry then laughing in seconds. She too lacks actions to support her. The only thing I get out of her is that she has a habit of running her hand through her hair.

In reality, the only things you have characterizing them is their conversations and the background information paragraphs. I know that Krystal and Jack are like siblings from the info you spouted out, not the childish banter they could have had (I don’t consider their normal banter as childish because it seems too serious instead of playful). I know Amber is lesbian because of the picture on her phone and how she admitted it. She hardly ever has thoughts about girls, doesn’t act any different from a normal girl (not that they do, but I’ll explain this in a bit), and only just recently started to express feelings for Krystal.

I’m saying that Amber doesn’t act lesbian because she doesn’t show even the bare minimum signs of her being Amber; she’s just that blonde girl who also previously lived in America and happens to like girls. The only time you ever described Amber’s clothes she was in her uniform. Talk about Amber’s fashion sense! How she wears pants! You haven’t mentioned that a single time. It would be overkill to repeat her attire every single time they meet, but at least do it once. Another part of Amber is that she seems like a very confident person, so you should use that to portray her as a strong, level-headed, masculine female.

Now onto your plot. What is it? You have set up this story about gangs and getting killed but you also have this romance story with themes of homosexuality and coming to terms with it. This could easily be a story about either of those elements as a singular story, and so far, you haven’t combined the two together efficiently. If you are going to add these things to the story, make them an important part of your story.

The other reason your flow feels off is because you mention at one point that Joe might be a traitor, then a few weeks later they are dropping Krystal off at school. You made absolutely no connection between Krystal’s school life and relationship with Amber to the danger she is in and the bodyguards and all that fun stuff. The closest you get to this is having the bodyguards follow Krystal around, Jack disrupting their fun together, and Amber witnessing it. They don’t find Amber a threat after one dinner with Jack? Amber’s life hasn’t faced any danger?

To add more to Krystal, tie her relationship with Amber to the gang situation, and even connect the story to the title, really show how spoiled Krystal and bratty is with how she acts towards her guards/Jack/her grandmother, and also show how she adapts to living in Korea. The more she demonstrates interactions with protection from the gang (and I suppose inquires more about what Jack and her father do) and the more she changes, the more you can say the Krystal finds Korea her new home.

You have to tie things together and you have to do that by developing the story. Develop your plot and characters with actions and emotions; stop relying on dialogue and splashes of information. Don’t tell the reader, show them.

About the originality of your fic. It’s not really original, there is a plethora of other stories/movies/books/things that could follow similar lines as this. So that people aren’t telling you “Oh, I saw this in a movie. Someone else wrote something similar,” you need to… do exactly what I said, develop it. Just by developing those generic topics, you have already made a different and unique story.

Oh, and your English is a big problem. Because English and Portuguese do not translate completely smooth, I recommend finding someone that either speaks Portuguese and English well or someone that is willing to sit down with you and really revise your sentences. I’d say that, yes, your grammar and confusing wording is probably a factor for why you might lack readers, if you felt that was even a problem.

You did it so many times, you confused “in” and “on.”

IN means inside, within, into.

An example sentence, “She was wrapped in the warm sweater.”  

ON means on top of, lying on, resting on.

An example sentence, “She was walking on the surface of beach.”

Your story is not bad at all. It has all the basics a fic needs and doesn’t make many errors other than not focusing on KryBer for the first few chapters and introducing the story too abruptly. Everything else here is just to make your story better.

Smothers you with feels, I love The Man from Nowhere.