itsme456's Something Better

Author: itsme456
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/349888/something-better-angst-oneshot-sweet-originalcharacter-exo-exom-kris

Your fic was well written, but it does not satisfy me as a fanfic reader. I know Kris’s name and recognize his face/eyebrows, I’d be okay with reading a fic about that man. This wasn’t a fic about Kris though; it was about some random girl. As a stand alone story, not a fanfiction, it’s okay. All I got from it is that a girl broke up with her boyfriend and she is upset but becomes hopeful that the future will be better.

The message is there, but it is very quiet. I see that the OC lady person had some sort of epiphany, but there isn’t a reason for her to have one. Just looking at a happy couple and thinking, “Oh, maybe they were meant to be,” is not going to suddenly change her pessimisms. In the first place, it seems like she’s just overly grumpy instead of in a state where any sort of self-realization even matters.

You didn’t delve deep into her emotions, so her transformation turns out superficial. Literally, all she did was put her head down and suddenly her spirit is reborn and ready for anything. The only thing I actually saw change about her was her smile. It went from business and fake to genuine. I wish you had expressed the thoughts behind those stiff smiles.

When a fanfic is short like this and you want to make an impact, try to connect with the reader and lay on the cheesy romance, the sincere fluff, the heartfelt sadness, and the bitter anger we’ve all felt at one point. The only sentence that really expressed emotion was the one about the parlor being empty and something about insecurity overflowing like a faucet. That one sentence doesn’t even directly relate to the conflict the girl is having.

If we ignore the fact that this is a fanfic, your fic is quite anti-climactic. It’s very safe. You didn’t try to add any extra drama (other than her ex-boyfriend) and didn’t engage the reader.

For a story written in first person, it lacked quite a lot of voice. There wasn’t any personality in it. She just broke up with her boyfriend, where is her deep bitterness; her loathing for happy couples; her attitude? There is more to characterization than just physical aspects. How do they think; how do they talk; how do they interact with the other people?

With oneshots it is very important to get across even the bare minimum details. How did her ex-boyfriend treat her; how has her life changed without him; how has she changed; what was so special about the couple that made her transform? The reader won’t feel moved when there is nothing substantial in the story to move them in the first place. This story is very empty.

What exactly made her change?

Even as a fanfic, this is overall plain boring. It’s about a girl that I don’t even care about, and she’s acting kind of upset, then she’s not, and she serves them pizza. This is supposed to be a fiction about what you are a fan of. I understand you liking pizza, but putting Kris’s name on a male body does not appeal to readers and makes this quite uninteresting.

In a oneshot, focusing on the OC girl is not cool. Chaptered fics at least offer the promise of having the idol come in later and playing a larger role, but in oneshots it’s either now or never. By the end of a oneshot, unless everyone is dead, the reader should want to know what happens next. What happens next in your story? I don’t particularly care; this girl doesn’t matter to me.

At least the girl wasn’t annoying, especially when this was written in first person. An overly dramatic weeping girl would have driven me mad. I just wish this had focused on Kris instead of the girl. My biggest advice to you would be to practice developing scenes and characters. You don’t make rookie mistakes like POV changes and obnoxiousness, but you also don’t do what makes so many fics popular, and that is, write about anything the readers have an interest in. You haven't quite grasped what makes a fanfic a fanfic, so practice that. Um, look at chapter 17 of Why People Hate Your Story for a reference?