pandoraSV13's When It Rains Angels are Crying

Author: pandoraSV13
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/82471

1)      Title-9/10 pts

When It Rains Angels are Crying

a)      The title is good and connects to the readers, but it should be in literary present, but it is okay if it is not. Also, a comma is needed after “Rains”. A lot of reviewers will say not to put those it, but the title needs to be correct. As long as there aren’t ellipses, dashes, etc.

b)      Ex: When It Rains, Angels Cry, or Angels Cry When It Rains

2)      Foreword and Introduction-15/15 pts  

a)      Description is perfect

b)      Foreword is absolutely fine.

c)      The warnings were fine, and they even got me excited. Usually though, readers laugh at an author that thinks they can write an extreme. However, they are still necessary for those that want fluff, so good job!

d)     Linking to related fics is also helpful.

3)      Command of POV-10/10 pts

a)      Very good, it doesn’t change abruptly in the middle of chapters or even between chapters. It is so organized and much easier to read this way.

4)      Proper structure-15/15 pts

a)      One of the things I like is that you don’t openly say FLASHBACK. Very good job with not doing that. Also, I’m glad that you chose to make it bold instead of another color of font. Very pleased with that as well.

5)      Proper Grammar-8/10 pts

a)      Your grammar does not make me want to tear out my hair by the roots. There aren’t any obvious mistakes that disrupts the flow of the story.

b)      In a couple of places you abuse punctuation like the ellipses (…) instead of a dash.

c)      The word choice was repetitive in some areas and sometimes out of place.

6)      Dialogue-35/35 pts

a)      You didn’t have the characters talk too much, which was good because it would have killed the mood completely and made everything so much less intense.

b)      In the flashbacks the things they say don’t make sense because they’re not explained, but they sound pretty amazing.

7)      Focuses on one thing at time-9/15 pts

a)      Both stories, the flashbacks and the KangTeuk, are strong individually and aren’t cohesive. The flashbacks don’t correlate with the pervious or following chapters. Everything would have flowed better if both were part of one chapter and the flashbacks related to what was going on whether by something happening to trigger a memory or a flashback hinting or explaining a following scene. This is actually one of the issues that makes the flashbacks rather confusing.

b)      Other than that, there aren’t many skips in the middle of a chapter that could lead to misunderstandings.

8)      Character Development-45/50 pts

a)      While all the characters are developed and understandable, especially Kangin (that simple fool), Leeteuk’s personality is still sort of mysterious and puzzling. You don’t explain enough about his personality before other than he was the “Dark Teukie” and that he has changed but not really. It is easy to guess what he was like, but you need to show it better.

b)      The characters seem very natural and their actions don’t come off as over the top and cliché.

c)      There are clear contrasts between the characters. Kangin is a simple minded person (at least that is how he comes off to me) and Leeteuk is a very self conscious person. Yunho is confident and strong, but caring. Eunhyuk (did he not have friends before meeting Kangin?) is the typical lackey and best friend. Yesung… ever the comic relief.

9)      Creative-25/25 pts

a)      There is wonderful syntax throughout the story that makes it in very in depth and serious. It’s wonderful to see compared to all the other mindless Super Junior fics about simple love and laughter.

b)      It is very original and definitely not something similar to other fics besides the whole gangs/abused child/fighting/weird school corruption bit going on.

10)  Not Cliché-17/20 pts

a)      The idea of gangsters and living in a boarding school is rather overused, not to mention orphans too, but the story is presented in way where it is not irritating and overdone. You tried very hard to make it sound realistic and for the gangster to sound completely coldhearted.

b)      To further make the story realistic, examples of common gang life, in addition to the fights and gangs war going on, would have been helpful.

11)  Good Storyline-25/30 pts

a)      The story is wicked twisted and so hard to follow but once a reader gets into it, they can’t stop.

12)  Followable Plot-8/15 pts

a)      The flashbacks happen too abruptly and nothing leads into them. Where the flashbacks take place is also difficult to catch, so I often picture Leeteuk and whoever is with him fighting in an empty white room.

b)      The flashbacks also aren’t linear, and that makes it even harder to focus on each idea presented. It skips around too much for a story that updates by chapter, and even if your fic was a real published book, it would be difficult to follow.

c)      As the story goes on, everything starts to unravel and make more sense, and the present part of the story made the flashbacks understandable.

13)  Sticks to Plot-10/10 pts

a)      While the plot is a little unclear due to those flashbacks, it does stick very well. There weren’t any other couples falling in love and all that jazz.

b)      Not only does it stick to the plot, but the mood of the chapters doesn’t vary too much. There weren’t moments where something done at the end of the chapter ruined the horrific mood at the beginning. A lot of authors struggle with this and you managed to keep that flow.

14)  Facts are straight-40/50 pts

a)      When and where did Doo-Joon meet Leeteuk and develop this fascination with him?

b)      What is up with his crazy obsession with sin and Teukie being an Angel meant to cry for humans?

c)      What exactly does Doo-Joon think, why does he do all that he does? His actions don’t make sense. He doesn’t have a reason behind them other extreme insanity and ruthlessness.

d)     This is more of, you have a very good idea what is going on, but you haven’t explained it to the readers. There are a lot of loose ends that need to be resolved.

e)      What happened with Doo-Joon? Leeteuk came back, Kangin become a new club manager, then the end.

f)       What is up with the underground tunnels? Why are they such a big deal? What is their importance or necessity in the plot? What is Moon Hee-Joon’s importance in the fic?

g)      What happened with Nichkhun? Where did he go? What was he doing?

15)  Hidden Meanings-25/25 pts

a)      Readers consider Leeteuk an angel and it is more heartbreaking to read of his struggles as sort of fallen angel.

b)      I had a really big “Ah-ha!” moment in chapter 23 when Leeteuk shouted “YOU’RE THE ONE WHO DID THIS! YOU FUCKING BASTARD YOU KILLED HIM—!” I was able to make a few more connections.

c)      This story is so full of allusions and hints that allude to something else, it’s brilliant. Kudos to you.

16)  Author grew as a writer- 5

a)      After chapter 1 you were consistent with your writing and actually made things even more interesting.

17)  Readers’ comments- no points awarded

a)      I was using smileyfaced_demon72’s comments to actually confirm my understanding of the fic.

i)        What I get from chapters 1-23: Leeteuk is an ex-gangster that garnered the fascination of Doo Joon, another gangster. Doo Joon would kidnap Leeteuk and torture him, claiming that he was purifying the boy from taking humans sins and that Leeteuk himself was an Angel. He could capture Leeteuk because his best friend, Nichkhun, was actually on Doo Joon’s side and betrayed him. Yunho was one of Leeteuk’s allies, as well as Daehyun. After Daehyun’s death, Leeteuk joined a school for students like him and then those training in the arts. Leeteuk reformed and became a model student, joining various student associations with Yunho. In the following sophomore year, Kangin enrolls as well due to some misbehaviors. Kangin and Leeteuk are roommates and feelings begin to form. There is a new student teach, Choi Seunghyun, who is oddly suspicious. At the same time, the KangTeuk relationship is furthering into kisses. At the Halloween rave, a group of gangsters crash the party and wreck the place. Yunho and Leeteuk know of Seunghyun’s part in the plan and follow him. After getting side-tracked by Kangin, Leeteuk finds Yunho on the verge of fainting and fights the two men he encounters, Seunghyun, then revealed as T.O.P, and GD. They aren’t aware, but Kangin witnessed Leeteuk breaking T.O.P’s fingers and is scared. He starts avoiding Leeteuk afterwards.

ii)      What I get from the rest of it: Kangin doesn’t like Leeteuk because he is a murder. Leeteuk is getting worse. Doo Joon torturing Leeteuk. Doo Joon torturing Leeteuk. Doo-Joon accidently killed Daehyun, didn’t really care. Doo Joon torturing Leeteuk. Doo Joon bathing and feeding Leeteuk. Leeteuk takes sins or people die. Kangin is a huge jerk. Kangin trips and hurts his foot, Eunhyuk discovers a secret door. Either his light bulb burned out, or the battery died. There are tunnels under the school from the war times. Which war in which country? Who knows. Leeteuk knows that Kangin knows. Evidently the tunnels were used by a club. Moon Hee-Joon allowed the club to run. Those students were expelled. Kangin finds Leeteuk’s scars. What. Yunho gets kidnapped. Leeteuk goes to save him. Leeteuk raped by Yunho. Kangin confused. Leeteuk asleep for three days, says they need to stay away from each other. Kangin agrees to start up some club again, signs contract. Leeteuk at some school orientation thing, confused about that. Leeteuk and Kangin say goodbye?

b)      You didn’t have more subscribers and comments because your story was too intense without anything to balance it out. Like when reading Tale of Two Cities, by the end, readers are weeping and the amazing plot holes and resolution. Your beginning is too confusing and it doesn’t really get any more understandable as things go on.

ok now im up to chapter 19 and im a bit less lost, but still pretty fucking confuzzled...
was teukie a real angel?
if not why does doojoon think he is?
and where did teukie live before going to the school?
and why was he able to be kidnapped so much and why did he never call the police???
Is yunho an angel too?
and just what the fuck is doojoon? is he the devil or something???
please help!

c)      Not quite what I had thought, but shows that your story still needs clearing up.

296+5/335

301/335

90%

xcaandiihearts' Dong Bang Oneshots Review

Author: xcaandiihearts
link http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/21295/dong-bang-oneshots-jaemin-jaesu-minsu-yaoi-yoomin-yoosu-yunjae

Dong Bang Oneshots by xcaandiihearts

His regret: the only really big issue is the use of the song lyrics. Readers usually skip these sections because they don’t really add onto the story. The lyrics in this oneshot were actually very important, but I remember when I first read I didn’t read the lyrics and just used context clues to guess what had happened. You see, when you put lyrics in a fic, you pull the reader out of the story for a moment. Once the lyrics are finished it takes a moment for the reader to get back into it.

There were two really cliché moments. The first was Yunho calling Jaejoong a girl. This exact scene has been done so many times that it is boring. The other is Jaejoong dying in the end. That was obvious.

Do not change the color of anything except lyrics and author’s notes. Many different colors look childish and unprofessional. Even then, I don’t think writing in color is appropriate at all.

Charm Bracelet: You could have gone a little further into Yunho standing out in the rain to play on him being deeply hurt by the separation as well.

Otherwise, it was overall good, even the smut.

Memories: Just a little too “Romeo and Juliet”ish. The method of suicide is the only problem here. Death by self mutilation is actually not that common. Cutters using cutting as a way to relieve themselves of their troubles, not hurt themselves. In the case of suicide, overdosing would have made more sense. For a quick death, shooting oneself, hanging, jumping off a building, even drowning. Cutting was the only one that worked in this situation, I know. I’m sure you could have worked it out somehow.

Bracelet: Running into each other and knocking each other down is overused. So is a terminal illness. Jaejoong’s illness was way too sudden and didn’t fit in with the rest of the oneshot at all.

Happy Valentines~: Smut is smut

Changmin’s Birthday: NEVER CHANGE POVs IN THE MIDDLE OF A CHAPTER! It was okay fluff.

My Sweet Rhapsody: Smut is smut, obsessive fangirls are overused.

Baby, you’re arrested: I thought this one was actually creative.

Nine: Try and find a better way to incorporate these lyrics into the oneshot because often times what happens is the reader sees them and skips them entirely. They do that with one sentence, two sentences, a short stanza, a whole poem. If it is not incorporated into the story itself they ignore it and move on to the story.

Instead, try putting the lines into the actual paragraphs. If you want to make it clear that the phrase is part of the larger poem, put it in italics or another color. Do not change the font though. You can still put the full poem or lyrics at the beginning or end, I encourage that actually, because there will be those that do read it. For those that will skip it, it will come as an amazing realization of what you were doing.

Otherwise, it was okay.

Mirotic: Okay

Stand by U: A lot of your oneshots have similar themes, being in a relationship but not together anymore. Try to change up the storylines a bit more. Even though it is a oneshot, try to include more history and details so that it isn’t so generic. Even though you are trying to make the song fics have the same feel as the song, what readers expect from a song fic is just another story. It doesn’t have to have the same tone as the song, as long as it tells the story.

Ice Cream: It was cute and fluffy, but the part with the ice cream vender loving his sister and having a gay son was a little too much. It could happen, but it takes away from YunJae and the wrongness that the relationship is overcoming is toned down to the point that they seem like a normal couple. Otherwise it was fine.

Not for anyone: This is a perfect example of less is more. There isn’t any unnecessary distracting plot, only Jaejoong caring and Changmin causing Jae to worry. Drabbles like this are the best, they are able to tell a story and leave the reader thinking.

Angelic Halloween: Smut is smut. This is my opinion because I have read a lot of YunJae smut, but when Jae is being slutty and dominating, he needs to be just a bit more demanding, less like a girl and more like a whore in heat. It is just as good on the opposite side of the spectrum, Jaejoong being sort of innocent and fully comfortable in female clothing and really embarrassed. But your smut is really good, are you sure you are only that old?

Of crayons and Unicorns: This is really, really cute fluff, but if you want to surprise readers, make Yunho the unicorn drawer. It is always interesting to give them different characterizations. I’ve read tons of fics with Jaejoong being an absolutely feminine guy, and after awhile it has been done too many times. This was fine though.

Gay for my Dongsaeng: The smut was really good, Jaejoong trying to deny his desires, those are always interesting. Incest was an added bonus. It was kind of unclear about who was topping.  At first I thought Junsu, then maybe Jaejoong, and then oh it was Junsu. Jaejoong acted very immature at times, like with the mentioning of churros. Sex is usually better when you can see the deeper, darker side to it. There can always be that spin on the story if the plot requires it. In this case, it was an incest story, and that is one of those things that readers might not find as acceptable as normal homosexuality, so deeper, more mature thoughts would have been better.

Also, the straight out mentioning of pubic hairs was a major turn off. The hairs brushing up against his ass was okay, Jaejoong saying he waxes but Junsu was hot, that was too far. There are certain things readers prefer not to read about (unless the mood is set right). That is the same as hypothetically saying when Junsu pulled his cock there was shit on it.

Conclusion: Unless I said otherwise, basically everything else was very good. There weren’t any moments where I screamed about the impossibilities of something happening or got irritated with your grammar. Don’t change the color or the font, you’ll be fine.

 There was the occasional “I’ve read this a couple of times before,” but there are so many YunJae fanfics out there, it is inevitable. There are certain themes I’ve noticed in Jaejoong paired fics. In YunJae there is always a big struggle and conflict, but they usually end up together and in love. Jaejoong is either characterized as either very diva-like, studious and poor, or feminine. YunJae is very much a man-woman relationship.

Often times with JaeMin, Jaejoong will usually be the gay one, and more often than not, he is just a normal gay. Changmin will either be straight and in denial, or played around with by Jaejoong. Their conflicts are more about Changmin feeling slightly like an outcaste, or Jaejoong feeling like an outcaste, and one of them has to help the other overcome their internal conflicts.

I find with JaeSu, one of them has made a mistake and they have to correct it or they’ll lose the other. Jaejoong will usually be the dominating one, but not always. Their relationship is sometimes like YunJae’s, except not as intense.

If you ever write JaeChun, I am an expert on them.

This is just in general. Of all the hundreds of fics I read, that summarized a lot of them. 

ChocoChips321's Birthday Gift Happy Birthday Key review

Author: ChocoChips321

link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/80417/birthday-gift-happy-birthday-key-jonghyun-key-minho-onew-shinee-taemin-yaoi

Very good job! The oneshot isn’t crazy. Key wasn’t mentioned as a diva directly and was portrayed only slightly as such with descriptions. Grammar is pretty good, no major mistakes that I remember or see at a glance.The idea behind this is cute and funny, and the perverted joke earns a laugh. You really took some time in keeping this real to an extent. There was only one issue, the party with all those idols.

The party would have been more believable if it wasn’t an actual party. I don’t really see SHINee having a break long enough for an extravagant gathering to take place. Their idol position already prevents them from doing extreme events. A small party between SHINee and maybe a few other idols from SM would have been understandable (not Super Junior because they are doing promotions for their fifth album repackage), but not from all those different companies all together on a boat.

Mentioning the individual names of the idols was also sort of unnecessary. That is an overload of names that many readers don’t know. It’s wonderful to see that you know of these groups, but really, they didn’t need to be mentioned. And the possibility of all these idols having the evening off is, once again, a long shot. This is the same as reading a fic and having to learn the name of all thirty students in the class. Usually only two or three matter, in this case the five members of SHINee, and the rest are unimportant. Even during the dance off the names didn’t need to be stated, it was overwhelming.

A major problem I see with this is the fact that it is a birthday oneshot for Key, but you wrote from Jonghyun’s perspective. Considering this fact, there was very little Key at all. To use Jonghyun’s point of view, there needs to be more of an emotional tie to Kibum to make this meaningful, otherwise it really seems like he is just buying a present and being the normal airheaded Jjong. By sticking with Jonghyun’s POV, a lot of Key’s actions don’t make sense unless thought about for a second.

Plotwise, the fic is very safe. You’ve taken a complete 180 of your normal writing, making this actual a little boring. I am aware that you are trying to please me to some extent and keeping it safe, but there has to be more of a plot. It was in general extremely summarized and short, there weren’t that many fluffy details that engage the readers.

The most interesting thing that happens, minus the slight JongKey interactions, is when Jonghyun “forgets” Key’s present. His paranoia before isn’t developed enough as it is and isn’t that clear. It is easy to take in, but the ideas aren’t easy to connect. If that is the most interesting thing, something went wrong. There is toning it down, then there is turning it bland. It is okay to exaggerate on some things. You did well with messing up the party with the music problems and the likes. Most of the times authors keep the party going without a hitch, in this case, you thought realistically, parties never go by without something messing up.

Now that you’ve gotten more of a realistic story going on, use the fluffy words to make it sound interesting. Life is generally boring until a certain view is used to see it. Right now, you are showing the readers a bland look at SHINee’s life, even if it is filled with parties as presents. Make the party appealing, have the reader feel the beat of the music in the dance off and stare in awe at Key’s birthday cake. Using those descriptive words! Every sentence can have more depth. Otherwise, they are simple and plain.

The sentences don’t make the reader say “wow,” it’s the hidden joke with the earphones that do that. The plot is only part of what appeals to readers, the varied sentences are what keep them hooked to the end, even more so if the plot is done right, yes.

Taking in how much you have improved and all the above in mind, I’ll give you an 85 for this review. Good job, your score has improved 42 points from your first review, though this one was very informal.

Pointers for JaejoongPrincess

The first thing that needs to be addressed is your number of subscribers. When you first begin writing you will get maybe one or two subscribers per chapter. This is because readers are testing you, seeing if you’ll update soon enough so they don’t have to subscribe and know you update often. They also don’t subscribe in the beginning because many readers want to read longer fics, so unless the fic seems like one to not update often or has an intensely intriguing plot, they won’t subscribe. Five chapters are not long enough, and three weeks is not enough time to draw readers in. Just update often and leave keyboard smashing cliffhangers.

Secondly, you don’t actually want your fic to be featured. It is a known opinionated fact among the more experienced writers here that the featured stories are not worthy of really being read. Getting featured does mean a lot more comments, readers, and compliments, but it also means that you will be in the limelight for criticism from can write better and will want you to know they aren’t happy you got featured instead.

Getting featured isn’t even a realistic goal. Unless you write every minute, are one of the original 1000 users, or write really bad smutty fics, you won’t get featured.

The Switch

You’re giving away way too much of the plot in the summary. Cut down on everything but the necessities. An anti-fan causes JYJ to switch bodies and they end up living each other’s lives.

The chapter looks very pretty, but it is unnecessary and might actually scare some readers away. Don’t highlight all the words and keep them black, colored font can be difficult to read. A lot of readers prefer the default font, Helvetica, over Comic Sans MS or one of the others. This is one of the tricks readers take to see the effort put into a chapter. Making the chapter look pretty tells readers you care more about what it looks like than how it is actually written. A large font also makes readers feel like they have been cheated out of a long chapter. Readers love to read longer chapters (unless they are way too long) especially if they like the fic. A large font makes a short chapter seem longer, but it is not and they get a little disappointed.

In the first paragraph of chapter one, the sentence “You could feel the cool summer breeze against your skin” can be confusing for readers who might think this is a “you” fic. This sentence would be okay anywhere other than the first chapter. The first few chapters are essentially for readers to get to know the author and their writing style. Readers can usually tolerate or love cheesy fics, but some writing styles are torment, so the first chapters are another test for them.

Script writing is an absolute no-no. It tells a reader that you don’t read often, even if you may, and you don’t know how to write dialogue.

Instead of saying Jaejoong: “Yoochun, Junsu, lunch is ready.” Jaejoong yelled, preparing the table. Yoochun and Junsu came into the dining room and sat down at the table this speaking part should be seen as:

“Yoochun, Junsu, lunch is ready!” Jaejoong yelled, preparing the table. Yoochun and Junsu came into the dining room and sat down.

For more on writing dialogue, refer to my blogs, Part 4 is for dialogue.

You do still need to work on your grammar, but it isn’t so bad that you need to give such a large warning in your forewords. For my first fic I left a short note explaining I couldn’t spell to save my life, but then I realized it didn’t matter because my readers honestly couldn’t spell any better than I could. Your grammar will only ever be an issue if it disrupts the flow. It does occasionally, but not so badly. Putting a large warning will scare away readers.

Make sure to stick to the flow of the story. One minute they are eating lunch, and then all of a sudden Yoochun is asking Jaejoong about his crush. It is too abrupt; some leading actions need to be put in. You can’t connect the dots without drawing a line between them.

Refrain from using a lot of references to Japanese culture. A lot of people don’t know Crystal Kay or Peach girl, though I happen to know of both.

Describe the actions of the characters better. It is almost exactly like you are writing a script.

Jaejoong: Jaejoong stops eating. “Her name is Jung Hye Roddy.” Jaejoong continues eating again. 

The two yellow highlighted sentences are very basic and obvious sentences. Unless Jaejoong were to talk while spraying soup everywhere, he’d have to stop eating! Writing about Jaejoong in this way takes away from the fact that Junsu and Yoochun are right next to him, even if the others are in the next paragraphs. It almost seems like Jaejoong is facing a wall and talking to himself. Always show the interactions between the three, not all the time necessarily, but often enough to show they are still there.

I am one of the readers that do not tolerate certain things in a fic. 1) Is POV changes, or point of view changes. You’re okay there.  2) Flashbacks. Flashbacks are allowed, but not in a way where Flashback is stated then the following paragraphs are the flashback then flashback end is stated last. With this I think you are okay as well. 3) Naming the location of the new scene. Here we have a problem.

When changing scenes you can not just name the location. Describe it, make it a real place. Write about the setting, the people there, what they are doing, what might happen, what’s the purpose, why are they there. That is the equivalent of saying I am writing this in my room.

5 minutes later: In the kitchen

There is better wi-fi here!

That won’t cut it. These are the three key points to a reader to show if the writer is experienced enough.

JYJ need to act more mature. In this fic they are 24-25? Yes? They need to act their age. JYJ are idols, therefore they need to be aware of their idol status. Jaejoong asking out a teacher after a two year, three month long crush seems a little farfetched. All in all, keep track of all the details you add to the fic and make sure they are believable.

Fanfictions usually portray out idols speaking Korean, only it’s English to us, therefore, this use of Korean in your fic is unnecessary. It is nice to know that you know these basic Korean words, but some people don’t and it does interrupt your fic. There are a lot of mistakes that anyone could correct. One for instance is when Jaejoong is doing his photo-shoot, the camera doesn’t click every five seconds, it clicks practically every second. If you are ever unsure about something, don’t be afraid to ask someone or look it up. Readers connect to a fic that is more realistic.

I know this is a comedy, but they would not pay much attention to Soo Young unless she stopped them and asked for an autograph. The interaction between Soo Young and JYJ should have stopped after they ended up in the hospital. Readers think she is a bitch, they don’t want to see her for several chapters. For now, JYJ’s reaction to their body switch is the most important.

Do not ever use shortened forms of text like LOL, WTH, IKR, or anything else in a fanfic. Readers hate it.

Any mention of JYJ, HoMin, TVXQ split makes me cry. I cried when Jaejoong sang “Hug”. I am that much of a hardcore fangirl. That being said, since the fic is based on an anti being mad at them for leaving TVXQ, you really need to exaggerate on those moments. Jaejoong crying isn’t enough; readers need to know why he is crying. We obviously know why, but having the author describe it to us makes it more meaningful and real. The same thing for the anti-fan. Readers reading the fic probably still like JYJ, so they won’t completely understand how the fan is thinking. These are important to the plot and need to be highlighted specifically.

Don’t leave various notes from yourself in the actual chapter, wait to the end. You did this when you mentioned the price of the gum. Put an asterisk (*) and explain it at the end in an author’s note. This will keep the chapter uncluttered and easier to read.

The Prince of Cassiopeia

You gave too much information in the summary, and the summary needs to stay in the foreword/description area. When you finally got into the actual fic, the summary was reiterated and making the summary itself pointless.

When dealing with sensitive topics like ADOPTION—A-D-O-P-T means to take a child from an adoption house and legally make them your own, Adaption/adapt/adapted means to change to one’s surroundings—you need to keep the fic neutral or when someone is doing something morally wrong, make it more obvious. Boa held up the baby with no eyes and the Queen bluntly said no without any remorse or consideration. Baby has no eyes, she could have said ‘how sad, but we can’t have a king without eyes.’

Try and vary the length of your paragraphs, make them longer and include more descriptions to set the scenes better.

Kim Jaejoong is the prince of Cassiopeia. Cassiopeia is a diverse country filled wish bustling cities. Cassiopeia is a country, where the old traditions meet the new traditions. Cassiopeia is famous for the red ocean, their chocolate pork chop brownies (yum yum), tour attractions, and magical fairies at night, that light up the sky. Jaejoong's parents are the king (Kim Hyun Joong) and queen (Jung So Min) of Cassiopeia. His dad is the greatest kings that ever live and he is considered a legendary warrior who saves people. The king and queen of Cassiopeia is not Jaejoong's biological parents.  

This is called an anaphora, when the same sound or word is repeated at the beginning of consecutive sentences. The best example of one would be ‘Tale of Two Cities’ with ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” In this case, it doesn’t sound good, especially because your sentences are very simple. I highlighted the verb “is” because it is this word that takes away from Cassiopeia’s description. For more on this, please read Part 8 of my rants. Also, like I said before, leave out bits that can be taken as a personal note.

The bullies and fangirls are exaggerated greatly, they are not important, they are annoying, they need to be toned down.

Tripping would likely not break his leg. The reader would “what the heck” at this moment and might not continue. That is too absurd.

Jaejoong’s venture away from Cassiopeia sounds like it is his first time ever leaving. It sounds like he has never been militarily trained and has no idea what to do in the forest. If this is the case, he will die.

The fic itself sounds like a fairytale for children. Fanfics are read by people from the age of eleven to thirty plus years. Fairytales will not do. This needs to seem like a real world, not fairytale castle with DBSK’s fanclub plastered on it.

Remember, you already introduced Yunho as one of the bullies outside the castle, now he is wanted dead or alive in Elf village? Make sure everything fits!

Everything else is basically the same issues in The Switch.

~Above all, you need to work on developing everything more. Readers love well developed and thought out fics. The more believable, the better. They don’t need gimmicks like lots of shouting and childish play, the raw emotion and facing the reality of life is what makes readers want more. In a comedy it is better to focus on the idols. Stay away from the girls unless romance is one of the finalities of the ending. Try and focus on your plot as much as possible and try not to add in unnecessary information. Do not write your dialogue in script writing. The plot is very interesting, develop the characters to match.

Your plot is very interesting, I will give you that. The poster for The Prince of Cassiopeia is very good, and I am curious myself on how The Switch will turn out. 

Undankbar's Turning the tables review

Review for Turning the Tables by Undankbar
story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/9659/turning-the-tables-korean-onew-shinee-thriller-you

1)      Good Storyline- 25/30 pts

a)      This is very much just a One shot split into different sections. While the plot is interesting and original, it was left empty. Things seemed to missing, and that was SHINee’s reaction as everything went on. Things aren’t rushed and it isn’t drawn out. Everything was “this is what is happening, deal with it.” 25 pts

2)      followable plot- 14/15 pts

a)      It was very easy to follow the plot because of the way the chapters were separated. There were some parts where a scene skipped and there were no leading sentences. In Paranoid the changing sentence appears to just be ENOUGH! The story is going back from her explanation to her in real time, but the change is a little abrupt because the beginning fit in so well that the flow was interrupted. That happens in a few places. Otherwise there are no events that can’t be explained for and everything does fit together.14 pts

3)      proper grammar- 6/10 pts

a)      There are some instances when a comma was used instead of a semicolon. “I started running, running until my lungs gave out.” The comma before the second running should be a semicolon because they are both complete sentences with no FANBOY transition word. (For, and, nor, but, or, yet)

b)      Other moments had missing commas like “I was hopelessly lost in the outskirts of Seoul but it was silent.” A comma should be included before the ‘but’.

c)      A few sentences are run on and continue when they should have ended halfway through.

d)      There a few cases when you used the wrong word like ‘but’ instead of ‘and’, or you made a spelling error like ‘whole’ instead or ‘hole’ when the girl trips and rips a hole in her jeans.

4)      Focus on one thing at a time-13/15 pts

a)      This story only focuses on the stalking and that is very good. It was simple and didn’t stray too much. 5 pts

b)      At first it seems like it is about the girl stalking the SHINee members like the forword implies, then the story goes in a completely different direction. However, the story follows the title of the story well.8 pts

5)      Things make sense- 40/50 pts

a)      Other than the forword not matching the story, everything is okay. There isn’t anything that I would go “Do your research!” on. 40 pts

b)      The only thing that was a little out there was that there weren’t any reporters at her apartment and none of the letters had any razors or any other harmful things in them. -5 pts

c)      Another thing is how Onew reacts to this girl. He follows her for days when he really should be spending his time with other things. Other fans or reporters could be around him, even his manager. -5 pts

6)      Creative- 15/25 pts

a)      Well definitely this is an original and creative story. Stalking is something few attempt but many fail. Most times the person is head over heels in love with them and makes stupid choices with their actions and they end up coming off psychotic. 10 pts

b)      An amazing part was that we got to see a new side of SHINee and read funny little comments from the narrator. I read it out loud and I was able to add a humorous voice to everything and a scared and depressed voice for the thrills. 5 pts

c)      I wasn’t really gasping in my seat at Onew stalking her, nor was I glued to the screen when she was running away. The word choice was good, but I didn’t feel like the words were deep and meaningful enough. You wanted to make this a real thriller so you could have used more exciting words and described things very well with great detail.

7)      Sticks to plot- 9/10pts

a)      Yup, the tables were turned, but the first few chapters weren’t as necessary considering the length of the story. If the story had been longer more background information could have been provided. If SHINee’s perspective was included as well in the beginning and more was included about how they turned the tables on her then it would have been a little more focused. 9 pts

8)      Not cliché- 18/20 pts

a)      It is not cliché. Going through trashcans and sneaking into buildings could have seemed more original if description was added about the actions. Stories require description to take away from the overused plots, not that I am saying stalking is overdone. This all could have been better if the story was longer. 18 pts

9)      Character Development- 50/50 pts

a)      There is a strong development with the girl. She is willing to share her stalking knowledge, she looks down on obsessed fans that hate her for doing something they are too afraid to do, and she is smart by thinking of ways to avoid her stalker and to even be able to stalk them. At the same time she is able to get scared in times of trouble and stoically try and avoid all problems. She is able to hold face in front of a judge and doesn’t get fazed by hate mail. These are all very important things that I am glad you put in.

b)      She’s original and different from the other characters. 5 pts

c)      All the characters play their part properly. Onew is an antagonist/main and the girl is the protagonist. The other 4 members don’t play an important part and they don’t need to. 5 pts.

d)      This girl had clear flaws mentally. Her entire thought process is a flaw. The same way, I was actually able to find flaws for all 5 guys. 15 pts

e)      Onew was obviously not stalking the girl publicly so that was a public vs. private part. The girl wasn’t that different, but this was short and I think she was a little crazy so she didn’t need to be. 10 pts

f)        The shinee members changed from scare to proactive and the stalker did become scared from something even though she wasn’t frightened by the mail. 10 pts

g)      None of this really follow the stereotypes. Dubu wasn’t a soft tofu and this stalker wasn’t begging for them to have sex with her. 5 pts

10)  Good command of POV- 9/10 pts

a)      The only thing was in the last chapter it isn’t really from the narrators point of view because they aren’t there. 9pts

11)  Proper structure- 15/15 pts

a)      Hmm, I would like to say you should have written longer paragraphs and included more information, but this is overall short so that will just count as your writing style. Overall it was good.  15 pts

12)  Dialogue- 35/35 pts 

a)      The necessary amount of speaking was there and it fit in nicely. 10 pts

b)      It didn’t take away from the plot. 15 pts

c)      The dialogue didn’t tell the story J 10 pts

d)      The talking fit in with their age group and their ways of speaking. 5 pts

13)  Title- 10/10 pts

a)      Fits the story well and the plot always goes back to it. Chapter titles also tie to the chapter in their ways. 10 pts

14)  Hidden meanings- 20/25 pts

a)      The entire is a hidden meaning obviously. The ending with Onew’s idea is also a great way to flashback on the story and gives a reminder of the title. 10 pts

b)      Bringing in titles of their songs is a great way to show that you, the character, and the reader all are fans of SHINee. 10 pts

c)      There weren’t that many other things and I think more could have been included. If this fic was longer…

15)  Forwords and introductions- 12/15 pts

a)      Since the story is short is actually good that your forward is short, gives a taste of the theme, and draws in the readers. 5 pts

b)      Some things don’t match with the rest of the story. It is written as if the boy is living with his father while the story is written as if SHINee lives together in a dorm. The character in the beginning seems like she is infatuated with SHINee, but she doesn’t seem to match the characterization for the rest of the story. 2 pts

c)      Characters are introduced correctly. We are informed who the speaker is in the beginning and SHINee is introduced by the judge. 5 pts

16)  Literacy elements (metaphors, alliteration, similes, personification, irony, foreshadowing, hyperbole, allusion.) 1bonus point for each element used.  7 pts

17)  the author grew as an writer and gain experience and knowledge bonus of 0-5 points added based on growth and experience 3 pts

18)  reader's comments

a)      Readers obviously wanted a longer story, but you expressed that it would be short so I was ready for that.

b)      You are clearly willing to fix the errors in the story.

c)      Turning the tables, the name of the story.

(291+10)/335

301/335

90%

lucidlies's Help review

Review for Help by lucidlies 

Story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/2872/help-dbsk-jaejoong-korean-oneshot-yaoi-yunho-yunjae

1)      Title-4/10 pts

a)      The title is very simply, not eye catching, bland. Even though it is oneshot, the title should have more appeal to it.

b)      It does hint to what the fic is about

2)      Foreword and Introduction-12/15 pts

a)      For a oneshot, a short sentence like that is really good for attracting readers and not giving away too much.

b)      While one sentence was sufficient to draw readers in, a short paragraph could have been provided to show how kinky the sex was.

c)      There should be a warning about the Het!porn at the beginning.

3)      Command of POV-10/10 pts

a)      No issues here, good job with keeping a consistent POV that did not reflect you as a person.

4)      Proper structure-15/15 pts

a)      Paragraphs were separated properly

b)      Characters didn’t speak in the same paragraph and the writing was not script writing. That is very good.

5)      Proper Grammar-9/10 pts

a)      Your grammar is very good.

b)      For dialogue you can try starting with description more often then having the talking a bit further into the paragraph. For example ↓

“Sorry,” Yunho said, smirking as he invaded Jaejoong’s personal space.

“Yunho, why are you acting like this?” Jaejoong was close to tears, drowning in confusion. “What’s going on?”

“I won’t make it hurt,” Yunho whispered erotically, hot breath ghosting over the pale neck. The grasp around his wrists tightening as Yunho's leg settled between his own, thigh rubbing against his cock. “What do you say, wanna help me out?”

“N-no!” he stammered, cock springing to life.

“Are you sure?” Yunho ground his thigh in sweeping circles. “Because your cock says something else.”

“Nhn…”

c)      I think that should have gone in the structure section, but I already pasted, and I’m not going to move it now. This was actually done in many places, but there were many areas where dialogue followed dialogue.

6)      Focuses on One thing at time-15/15 pts

a)      This is very good. Basically, the flow of your story is strong. Things don’t skip around from het!porn to Yunho coming in to Jaejoong jacking off to Yunho “helping” him. All these events followed the previous and led into the next very coherently.

7)      Dialogue-28/35 pts

a)      For sexual scenes there should be less dialogue than a nonsexual scene to allow for more description of feelings and physical interaction.

b)      There is actually a lot of dialogue in general. Try cutting these down and replace them with thoughts and setting description.

8)      Character Development-45/50 pts

a)      Jaejoong clearly changed from being embarrassed to begging for a fuck.

b)      There were qualities of Jaejoong acting a different way with and without people, like there should always be to give characters a human feel.

c)      Yunho and Jaejoong clearly don’t follow their stereotypes that much.

d)     They had humane flaws in their own ways.

e)      Original

f)       It was clear who was the dominant character and who was the submissive character though proper body language, description, and dialogue.

g)      There weren’t any extra characters! YooSuMin didn’t walk in and demand that Umma make food and Appa entertain them. That is wonderful! A lot of time, extra characters kill the mood, and even cockblock annoyingly.

h)      One issue, there should be a reason for Yunho to incite the help. Simply sexual want? Jaejoong want? Boredom? Otherwise he comes off as a detached and not caring.

“See, helping each other wasn’t so bad, was it?” Yunho said through a yawn.

9)      Creative-15/25 pts

a)      It is actually very obvious what is going to happen. Jaejoong is caught, and then Yunho finds a way to have sex with him.

b)      The het!porn was actually a surprise. Usually it is gay porn, and never that descriptive. Different ideas like this are welcome, but there should be a warning.

c)      The smut is original and not a complete copy of other smuts. Similar but not a copy and definitely written better than many.

10)  Not Cliché-18/20 pts

a)      Porn, and sex in general, is an overused topic, but the piece was written realistically and took away from the cliché aspect. Whenever something is remotely cliché, always go back to the practical side of a story.

11)  Good Storyline-10/30 pts

a)      As a story, this is a good idea, as a oneshot there are many things lacking. The story could and should be elaborated a bit more.

b)      Character interactions are interesting, this is a fun and entrancing situation to find them in.

12)  Followable Plot-12/15 pts

a)      Because grammar is good, the flow is excellent, and sex is appealing, the story is easy to read and finish. Readers will never ask themselves “What just happened?” Things are very clear in that sense.

b)      There is actually a lack of any real plot happening. This to say, pure smut. 95% of this is smut of some sort. To get a big reaction, put in a real storyline, even if only slightly.

13)  Sticks to Plot-8/10 pts

a)      There aren’t any strays and the plot sticks pretty close to helping each other.

b)      The het!porn should have been cut down more because it was just an introduction of the setting. More should have been included on how Yunho made Jaejoong feel uncomfortable.

14)  Things Make sense-40/50 pts

a)      What is the situation with DBSK? Are they normal roommates or in the band?

b)      How did Jaejoong have time to watch porn?

c)      Where did Yunho come from?

d)     Why did Yunho want to “help” Jaejoong and the other way around?

e)      What is the relationship between Jaejoong and Yunho? Are they close to allow this sort of touching to not be too awkward, or very intimate and this was surprise sex, or just friends experimenting?

f)       Many details were left out and made this very, porn without plot actually, almost as if this was written purely to be a smut oneshot.

15)  Hidden Meanings-0/25 pts

a)      There is nothing to leave the reader guessing or wondering. Everything is exactly as it is, smut, smut, smut.

b)      Secretive things, or simply a hidden storyline would have given this an actual plot.

c)      The lack in this area is the main reason for Porn without Plot.

16)  Smut-9/10

a)      This is very good smut, some of the best I’ve read. I’ve read this several times and that already means it was creative and written well.

b)      It is not a full 10 because the talking between Jaejoong and Yunho actually killed the mood just a little. During sex, talking can be a cockblocker.

17)  Literacy Elements- 7pts (1 point for each)

a)      At this moment my list of literacy elements is under construction. I will give you a seven because you describe things wonderfully.

White-hot electricity shot through his veins, his body shuddering with sexual tension. The liquid fire in his lower belly curled around his body, growing almost to the point of becoming unpleasant.

18)  Author grew as a writer- 4 pts

a)      I actually think the beginning was better than the ending because the conclusion is flat and sudden compared to the high description in the beginning with Jaejoong feeling so many things just from watching porn. I sort of expected him to be even more sensitive when actually having sex. Nonetheless, it was still written very well throughout the entire piece.

19)  Readers’ comments- no points awarded

a)      The basic reaction is that this is very “HOT” and the sex was top notch. A sequel would be loved. People, including myself, find it worthy to come back and reread. 

250/345

250+11/345

76%

The score would have been higher if there had been a plot. In fact, I guarantee it would have been an A if there was a plot.