Sone19's "I'm Better!"

Author: Sone19
Link:http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/229982/i-m-better-jonghyun-key-minho-onew-shinee-taemin-minhoxoc

As much as color is pretty, do not change the font color of your text. The change the font itself, and also don’t change the size. More experienced readers and writers hate to see that. It makes them feel like you spent more time decorating your story than you did writing it. I’ve heard complaints of people getting headaches and nausea and also not being able to read text because they’re colorblind, so just try and keep it black.

Now for the photos, you chose good pictures, but they aren’t necessary. The readers know who Minho and Jonghyun are, and it doesn’t matter to know what Alice and her friend look like. Instead of using photos to show their looks, you should take your time to describe them in the fic. It shows off your talent as a writer to be able to make the readers properly imagine the characters.

Do not list the character’s traits like you’ve done in the description. You do this in the actual fic and build up their character. How you include these traits and how you make them important and embellish on them affects the overall quality of your fic. This is once again to highlight your skills as a writer and show that you can create a person and actual show them off in the fic.

All together, I didn’t even read your description or foreword other than that small info at the top. The character profile was pointless and the foreword was too cluttered. When you have multiple persons speaking, separate their speeches, even if it makes the foreword longer, separate them. Remember, the foreword is where you want to prove to the readers that you can do more than produce fangirl babble. It showed the traits of the characters and set up the story, but it wasn’t written well. Clean it up a bit, elaborate more on this defining moment, and it’d be fine.

Topping off of chapter 1, don’t say whose POV it is. It can be Billy Bob Joe’s POV and I don’t want to be told it’s Billy Bob Joe’s. It’s your job as the writer to be able to portray who is narrating without having to point it out directly. That’s the same with flashbacks and location changes, these don’t need to be pointed out, and you need to ease into it for the readers.

For things like a story or a paper for school, unless it is long, always write out the numbers. You have 2 instead of two. Even with time. Other grammatical errors are “sense” instead of “since” and whatnot, these could easily be fixed with some proofreading and editing. Maybe get a beta or just try and catch them yourself. Don’t abuse your punctuation like exclamations, ellipsis (…), and future abuses that might come. Overusing them causes their effectiveness to go down. Especially those ellipsis, they become meaningless instantly when you use them for every pause. Thinking back, I believe a dash (-) is more appropriate. Finally, avoid writing complete words or sentences in all caps when showing someone is yelling. It makes the scene childish. Just use your descriptive words. Alice yelled threateningly across the hall, anger overcoming logic. Something like that.

Onto the characters. Alice is a bully and is super arrogant. She might be better than Minho at sports, but she doesn’t have to flaunt it, so bitch. It might be what makes her really expressive and outgoing, but she needs a reality check, so bitch. Her actions are over the top and unrealistic and it becomes really cheesy to read. You’ve done a good job at expressing her character, but I personally don’t like her and I’d probably want to kick her in the lady parts if I met her in real life.

To make her likable to people like me, you need to expand on her positive points. Go more into how she is protective of her friend, how she doesn’t back down from a challenge (even though it’s a flaw, her acknowledging it could be seen as a positive point), her need to stand up against bullies and social norms. Also, acknowledge her flaws. Her arrogance and her bratty attitude when it comes to Minho, both of these make her real and could later turn into a weakness which makes her all the more real.

You’re very creative with your insults, and they amuse me.

If you had elaborated more on the section in the foreword, the situation in chapter one would have made more sense. So far, it’s a surface level fic. You need to develop things more, creatively include some background information, describe the surroundings and what everyone else is doing, and have some back thoughts. The idea is interesting, but you’re not focusing on it well enough. You’re throwing the story at the readers and just telling them what is happening from one second to the next.

Chapter two: Don’t change color, don’t change font size, don’t change POVs. Don’t use more than one POV per chapter if you are going to change them. It’s annoying to see them switch around. You might not have done this, but many writers tend to repeat things when the POVs change.

Your story if one big comedy, and if that is what you’re aiming for, you’re on the right track. Everything is so completely unrealistic that I can see a lot of people liking it. It’s not to my taste because I don’t like stories that defy common sense, but it has the potential to be popular. Think things through a bit more and I’m sure reality will start to sink in.

Overall, the story is interesting, but you are making all the beginner mistakes.

TL;DR

1. Don’t change the font, color, or POV

2. Don’t use character profiles, elaborate in the fic

3. Don’t exaggerate the scenes too much, portray them realistically

4. Show the readers that you can write well

5. Develop the storyline, it’s a good one

6. Try and write more, even if you have other fics, just update later if needed

Good luck with your fics, and enjoy it while it's fun!

Renzei27's Does That Answer Your Question

Author: Renzei27
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/228180/does-that-answer-your-question-friendship-oneshot-romance-you-exo-lay-yixing

The Oneshot was very interesting, but you haven’t quite nailed what a Oneshot really is. For a short fic like this it’s better to emphasize the goody details rather than have several underdeveloped events. It’s more like you tried to tell a long story in the space of one chapter, and that has you cutting out some important details and keeping unnecessary fillers.

You should have touched more into how she started giving Lay lessons. During the lessons their actual interactions and conversations would have helped display how their affections for each other were going. What came out instead was “There’s this strange kid, he speaks Chinese, I speak Chinese and English, I’ll teach him English. Oh he is impossible to teach, but his habits are kind of cute. This is the second month of me teaching him and I really like his few habits.”

When writing oneshots over a long period of time, I recommend that you choose specific events that you really want to get across to the reader. What you’ve done is mention these events in one or two sentences, cutting off the significance of these moments. The first elaboration I would have liked to seen was during the second week when she asked him where he was always going. That time could have been used to showcase more of his habits in an actual lesson and her frustrations with his inability to learn.

Another part that should have been developed more is how suspicious it is that he is leaving all the time. When it got to the part where he revealed he is an alien, I was certainly surprised, but not in a good way. You can surprise them with introducing a new concept that goes against what they believe, and then you can surprise them with something totally absurd. It was absurd to me that he was an alien because there was nothing previously mentioned that could have led to that conclusion. If you had done a little bit more to make that stand out instead of having the girl dismiss it as if it was trivial, it would have been cleverer to me.

With their relationship, you do a lot of repeating and summarizing. We as readers should be able to read something and understand the consequences of the actions happening. When she got over her need to hog him, you didn’t need to state that, you could have just shown that by her interacting more with his friends, and maybe even joking around about a future English lesson.

If this was longer, maybe split into one or two more chapters, you probably could have used all you had and really nailed it. With this oneshot, you should have focused your fic on one of two things, either their relationship as friends into lovers, or Lay’s alien status and their transition to lovers, not both. It would have worked either way.

 My Scenario: You were tutoring this strange new transferee when you noticed some weird things about him. These abnormal habits grew on you… It came as a shock to you when you saw him healing the plant. This guy promised to be your friend, but now you’re scared.

“Don’t be afraid, I love you.” Kiss.

“Kiss me again for your answer.”

My Scenario 2: You were tutoring this lonely new transferee, dedicating all your time to him in vain, he really struggled with English. He had these quirky habits when he studied, and soon, the constant exposure to these helped your affections grow for him. As his English got better, he became more social and your place as his friend was threatened. To protect your hurt feelings, you started giving him the cold shoulder. Your absence alerted him, and he confronted you.

“Don’t ignore me, you are my everything.” Kiss.

“Kiss me again for your answer.”

It’s very clear that there are two different stories going on at once. It’s not difficult to keep up with, but it isn’t cohesive. By eliminating one of these factors, you could have really expanded more on those important details.

Now the last section is written the best for a oneshot. It perfectly expresses emotions and sensations without emphasizing the story too much, so it makes me feel things. The last section is also the section that honestly does not need to be in the oneshot whatsoever. Nothing would change if you took it out. It’s probably better to leave your readers hanging in this sense instead of giving them every single piece of information.

If the entire fic had been very detailed, then it would have been important to tie up those loose ends, but seeing as how the oneshot is more of an emotional rollercoaster, it’s better to leave that ambiguous ending from their confessions.

To summarize all of this:

1. Try to elaborate more on certain portions of the oneshot instead of summarizing and explaining. Show, don’t tell.
2. Try to focus on one storyline, or work on incorporating them together
3. Oneshots are either information splurges and twists, or they are emotions and short love stories
4. With ‘you’ fics, do not overuse the words ‘you,’ and ‘your,’ and try not to start too many sentences with “you.”

Your story was creative and it seems that you really thought it out. I can see that you tried hard with making sure that you went over all the stops. Readers could use a little push towards thinking, so don’t be so easy on them! Continue writing and you will grow tremendously as a writer. 

jisuschrist's GD⊤ Vol. 2

Author: jisuschrist
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/177633

1)      Title-6/10 pts

a)      I assume your title means that GD and TOP will form a duo again, but otherwise I am not sure what the title is referring to

b)      The title itself is kind of bland and simple, it doesn’t really attract my eye

c)      Chapter titles were good, highlighting the important parts of the chapter for the story

2)      Foreword and Introduction-12/15 pts

a)      “it’s” in the description should be capitalized, even if it is a quote from Chapter 6

b)      It is very eye catching, but there should be a little more in the foreword to either show more of your process of writing or a small snippet of the fic.

c)      I’m not exactly sure what the fic is about and the foreword doesn’t help.

3)      Command of POV-10/10 pts

a)      No problems here

4)      Proper structure-15/15 pts

a)      Good job not changing the color or font to something obnoxious.

b)      Flashbacks are included appropriately           

5)      Proper Grammar-8/10 pts

a)      There is a slight inconsistency with tense. You should get a beta (another user) to read over your chapters before you post them.

Ex: So each of them walked down their own paths, but Jiyong stays. 

Should be: “Each of them walked down their own path, but Jiyong stayed.”

b)      Several sentences, more than I would let pass, start with the FANBOYS (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) words. Using them too often makes everything sound like a list. And he did this. But that happened. So they retaliated like this. For him it was awesome.

c)      Also, some of your sentences are worded awkwardly, as if you meant one thing but it came out wrong. The message is conveyed, but there is a small “What?” moment.

6)      Focuses on one thing at time-14/15 pts

a)      It skips around slightly, but it all ties back together.

b)      The flow is only interrupted when you don’t smoothly transition between two different moments.

7)      Dialogue-35/35 pts

a)      You don’t tell the story through their conversation

b)      Everything said is relevant

8)      Character Development-50/50 pts

a)      You’ve done a good job describing Jiyong’s emotions and thought process

b)      Same with Seunghyun’s, I actually understand them

c)      Their actions and interactions showcase their feelings splendidly, you did everything right

d)     There were times when I was cooing at Jiyong’s cuteness and applauding Seunghyun’s maturity

e)      You’ve done well with contrasting what is going through Seunghyun and Jiyong’s heads in the same scenes. Like in Chapter 5 when they were on the couch.

9)      Creative-25/25 pts

a)      It wasn’t overly obvious, you did well with keeping things fresh and new

b)      It’s wonderful how you have a these small unique parts that make the story your own (the flavors, the ice cream, their song making, the cigarettes, Jiyong’s hair color)

10)  Not Cliché-20/20 pts

a)      Band breakup is a fairly uncommon idea for bands that are still young and at their peaks so it was nice to see for Big Bang

b)      The few questionable parts added in were easily twisted to reflect your story and not reflect some other GTOP fic out there

11)  Good Storyline-28/30 pts

a)      The story is very good, it’s original

b)      The flow is a little slow, like there is no defining climax early on that stands out clearly from the rest. It could arise in future chapters, but right now it isn’t there.

12)  Followable Plot-14/15 pts

a)      It is very easy to follow, the only confusing parts are when things skip around and haven’t been explained immediately

13)  Sticks to Plot-9/10 pts

a)      At this point, I’m not entirely sure what the main focus of the plot is. There are layers to it. Their romance, the bands breakup, and Jiyong’s destruction.

b)      It’s good to have all of this, but I can’t really judge the progression of the story well if I don’t know what the focus is.

c)      Of these three, they are really well developed and intertwined perfectly

14)  Things Make sense-48/50 pts

a)      The only thing I found strange was Jiyong leaving the studio for a day. Things might be laid back in this business, but no one cared that he wasn’t there?

15)  Hidden Meanings-25/25 pts

a)      I like how one thing will stand for something and then later mean something else

b)      There is also that part about knowing and understanding that forces readers to actually read to understand what it means. Great way to keep your readers reading. Emphasize this more in the future?

16)  Author grew as a writer- 5

a)      You didn’t grow as much as write consistently well throughout the fic. You made me feel something and really connected me to the characters and their situation.

b)      You also understand an OTP and how readers react. It’s not so much about how they fall in love but the fact that they love each other and have to struggle to keep each other.

17)  Readers’ comments- no points awarded

a)      You deserve every single comment.

b)      Those comments reflect how I feel

c)      Bro, all the feels

I was hovering over the toilet, not sure if I was going to vomit or not, when I remembered I hadn’t done your review yet. I set Friday as the deadline for myself, and, alas, here was Friday with no review done. Your fic isn’t hard to read, in fact, it is the style I like the best. Angst, broken bands, unsure feelings, and raw emotions.

You write really beautiful, emotional sentences and I’m looking forward to more.

319+5/335

324/335

97%

jessicaliana's My Caring Guardians

Author: jessicaliana
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/209290/my-caring-guardians-comedy-friendship-korean-romance-you-exom

Well, looking at the foreword, you are doing a few really silly things. First of all, you don’t need disclaimers saying “I do not own any characters and similar plots are a coincidence. This story is from my imagination, I did not copy from anyone else.” It’s silly and a waste of space. Same for the plagiarizing and copyright part. Your fic is not copyrighted and you don’t own the idea. You especially can’t claim copyright when you don’t own the pictures used.

Also, you are using character profiles. I always say that people shouldn’t use them because the pictures take up a lot of unnecessary space and they reveal too much about the characters, which yours does. You want readers to think you write well, and you can prove that my developing the characters throughout the fic. If you do really want to use the profiles, keep the descriptions to a minimum and resize the photos to be smaller, way smaller.

Try to think less about what makes a good person and go for what makes an interesting and realistic character. Young Mi’s personality seems surface level, really try to dive into those emotions and thoughts properly. The description for the boys, well, it seems just like Exo instead of actually made up people. That’s fine in a band fic, but you’ve taken Exo out of their idol life, throw in your own creative twists.

You should include more about what the story is going to be about or about the process of writing. From the foreword, I’m not really interested in reading the fic. I see you are now entering your second year on AFF, so compare how writing a year ago is to writing now. Or you can write about how you came up with the characters and plot (without revealing too much). If that doesn’t fit your style, then just copy a part from one of the chapters and give the readers a taste of what is too come.

Now onto Chapter 1. In the beginning several of the sentences started with ‘You,’ so work on varying up the word choice. It is a little difficult in ‘you’ fics, but keep at it.

When Young Mi was being bullied you could have done more to make it a point that she has no one there to help her and she faces this regularly alone. When Suho was saying it, his words came out as repetitive. The saying is that Actions speaks more than Words. The whole process of walking into the bookstore again and reading whichever books she wanted could really be embellished. You started to, but you didn’t go all the way through. Their time spent book mending could have also shown the routine they follow and their closeness if you had gone into that more. That being said, do actually describe the actions in detail: full body movements, body directions, habitual movements. Write in the moment.

While you want to add more to those parts, stop having the characters disclose so much when they are speaking. If you had developed the bullying part more Suho wouldn’t have had to ask if she was bullied again, instead he would have just known because he knows her so well. Same with how he calls out her anti-social behavior.

Little side note, when characters are thinking, try using italics instead of asterisk, those little star things (*).

You are doing a good job with keeping track of the character relationships, the social standings, the feelings, and the family history. It’s wonderful that you have all of that planned out and ready for the story, just work on incorporating this information into the story cohesively instead of just telling the readers things. 

pandoraSV13's When It Rains Angels are Crying

Author: pandoraSV13
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/82471

1)      Title-9/10 pts

When It Rains Angels are Crying

a)      The title is good and connects to the readers, but it should be in literary present, but it is okay if it is not. Also, a comma is needed after “Rains”. A lot of reviewers will say not to put those it, but the title needs to be correct. As long as there aren’t ellipses, dashes, etc.

b)      Ex: When It Rains, Angels Cry, or Angels Cry When It Rains

2)      Foreword and Introduction-15/15 pts  

a)      Description is perfect

b)      Foreword is absolutely fine.

c)      The warnings were fine, and they even got me excited. Usually though, readers laugh at an author that thinks they can write an extreme. However, they are still necessary for those that want fluff, so good job!

d)     Linking to related fics is also helpful.

3)      Command of POV-10/10 pts

a)      Very good, it doesn’t change abruptly in the middle of chapters or even between chapters. It is so organized and much easier to read this way.

4)      Proper structure-15/15 pts

a)      One of the things I like is that you don’t openly say FLASHBACK. Very good job with not doing that. Also, I’m glad that you chose to make it bold instead of another color of font. Very pleased with that as well.

5)      Proper Grammar-8/10 pts

a)      Your grammar does not make me want to tear out my hair by the roots. There aren’t any obvious mistakes that disrupts the flow of the story.

b)      In a couple of places you abuse punctuation like the ellipses (…) instead of a dash.

c)      The word choice was repetitive in some areas and sometimes out of place.

6)      Dialogue-35/35 pts

a)      You didn’t have the characters talk too much, which was good because it would have killed the mood completely and made everything so much less intense.

b)      In the flashbacks the things they say don’t make sense because they’re not explained, but they sound pretty amazing.

7)      Focuses on one thing at time-9/15 pts

a)      Both stories, the flashbacks and the KangTeuk, are strong individually and aren’t cohesive. The flashbacks don’t correlate with the pervious or following chapters. Everything would have flowed better if both were part of one chapter and the flashbacks related to what was going on whether by something happening to trigger a memory or a flashback hinting or explaining a following scene. This is actually one of the issues that makes the flashbacks rather confusing.

b)      Other than that, there aren’t many skips in the middle of a chapter that could lead to misunderstandings.

8)      Character Development-45/50 pts

a)      While all the characters are developed and understandable, especially Kangin (that simple fool), Leeteuk’s personality is still sort of mysterious and puzzling. You don’t explain enough about his personality before other than he was the “Dark Teukie” and that he has changed but not really. It is easy to guess what he was like, but you need to show it better.

b)      The characters seem very natural and their actions don’t come off as over the top and cliché.

c)      There are clear contrasts between the characters. Kangin is a simple minded person (at least that is how he comes off to me) and Leeteuk is a very self conscious person. Yunho is confident and strong, but caring. Eunhyuk (did he not have friends before meeting Kangin?) is the typical lackey and best friend. Yesung… ever the comic relief.

9)      Creative-25/25 pts

a)      There is wonderful syntax throughout the story that makes it in very in depth and serious. It’s wonderful to see compared to all the other mindless Super Junior fics about simple love and laughter.

b)      It is very original and definitely not something similar to other fics besides the whole gangs/abused child/fighting/weird school corruption bit going on.

10)  Not Cliché-17/20 pts

a)      The idea of gangsters and living in a boarding school is rather overused, not to mention orphans too, but the story is presented in way where it is not irritating and overdone. You tried very hard to make it sound realistic and for the gangster to sound completely coldhearted.

b)      To further make the story realistic, examples of common gang life, in addition to the fights and gangs war going on, would have been helpful.

11)  Good Storyline-25/30 pts

a)      The story is wicked twisted and so hard to follow but once a reader gets into it, they can’t stop.

12)  Followable Plot-8/15 pts

a)      The flashbacks happen too abruptly and nothing leads into them. Where the flashbacks take place is also difficult to catch, so I often picture Leeteuk and whoever is with him fighting in an empty white room.

b)      The flashbacks also aren’t linear, and that makes it even harder to focus on each idea presented. It skips around too much for a story that updates by chapter, and even if your fic was a real published book, it would be difficult to follow.

c)      As the story goes on, everything starts to unravel and make more sense, and the present part of the story made the flashbacks understandable.

13)  Sticks to Plot-10/10 pts

a)      While the plot is a little unclear due to those flashbacks, it does stick very well. There weren’t any other couples falling in love and all that jazz.

b)      Not only does it stick to the plot, but the mood of the chapters doesn’t vary too much. There weren’t moments where something done at the end of the chapter ruined the horrific mood at the beginning. A lot of authors struggle with this and you managed to keep that flow.

14)  Facts are straight-40/50 pts

a)      When and where did Doo-Joon meet Leeteuk and develop this fascination with him?

b)      What is up with his crazy obsession with sin and Teukie being an Angel meant to cry for humans?

c)      What exactly does Doo-Joon think, why does he do all that he does? His actions don’t make sense. He doesn’t have a reason behind them other extreme insanity and ruthlessness.

d)     This is more of, you have a very good idea what is going on, but you haven’t explained it to the readers. There are a lot of loose ends that need to be resolved.

e)      What happened with Doo-Joon? Leeteuk came back, Kangin become a new club manager, then the end.

f)       What is up with the underground tunnels? Why are they such a big deal? What is their importance or necessity in the plot? What is Moon Hee-Joon’s importance in the fic?

g)      What happened with Nichkhun? Where did he go? What was he doing?

15)  Hidden Meanings-25/25 pts

a)      Readers consider Leeteuk an angel and it is more heartbreaking to read of his struggles as sort of fallen angel.

b)      I had a really big “Ah-ha!” moment in chapter 23 when Leeteuk shouted “YOU’RE THE ONE WHO DID THIS! YOU FUCKING BASTARD YOU KILLED HIM—!” I was able to make a few more connections.

c)      This story is so full of allusions and hints that allude to something else, it’s brilliant. Kudos to you.

16)  Author grew as a writer- 5

a)      After chapter 1 you were consistent with your writing and actually made things even more interesting.

17)  Readers’ comments- no points awarded

a)      I was using smileyfaced_demon72’s comments to actually confirm my understanding of the fic.

i)        What I get from chapters 1-23: Leeteuk is an ex-gangster that garnered the fascination of Doo Joon, another gangster. Doo Joon would kidnap Leeteuk and torture him, claiming that he was purifying the boy from taking humans sins and that Leeteuk himself was an Angel. He could capture Leeteuk because his best friend, Nichkhun, was actually on Doo Joon’s side and betrayed him. Yunho was one of Leeteuk’s allies, as well as Daehyun. After Daehyun’s death, Leeteuk joined a school for students like him and then those training in the arts. Leeteuk reformed and became a model student, joining various student associations with Yunho. In the following sophomore year, Kangin enrolls as well due to some misbehaviors. Kangin and Leeteuk are roommates and feelings begin to form. There is a new student teach, Choi Seunghyun, who is oddly suspicious. At the same time, the KangTeuk relationship is furthering into kisses. At the Halloween rave, a group of gangsters crash the party and wreck the place. Yunho and Leeteuk know of Seunghyun’s part in the plan and follow him. After getting side-tracked by Kangin, Leeteuk finds Yunho on the verge of fainting and fights the two men he encounters, Seunghyun, then revealed as T.O.P, and GD. They aren’t aware, but Kangin witnessed Leeteuk breaking T.O.P’s fingers and is scared. He starts avoiding Leeteuk afterwards.

ii)      What I get from the rest of it: Kangin doesn’t like Leeteuk because he is a murder. Leeteuk is getting worse. Doo Joon torturing Leeteuk. Doo Joon torturing Leeteuk. Doo-Joon accidently killed Daehyun, didn’t really care. Doo Joon torturing Leeteuk. Doo Joon bathing and feeding Leeteuk. Leeteuk takes sins or people die. Kangin is a huge jerk. Kangin trips and hurts his foot, Eunhyuk discovers a secret door. Either his light bulb burned out, or the battery died. There are tunnels under the school from the war times. Which war in which country? Who knows. Leeteuk knows that Kangin knows. Evidently the tunnels were used by a club. Moon Hee-Joon allowed the club to run. Those students were expelled. Kangin finds Leeteuk’s scars. What. Yunho gets kidnapped. Leeteuk goes to save him. Leeteuk raped by Yunho. Kangin confused. Leeteuk asleep for three days, says they need to stay away from each other. Kangin agrees to start up some club again, signs contract. Leeteuk at some school orientation thing, confused about that. Leeteuk and Kangin say goodbye?

b)      You didn’t have more subscribers and comments because your story was too intense without anything to balance it out. Like when reading Tale of Two Cities, by the end, readers are weeping and the amazing plot holes and resolution. Your beginning is too confusing and it doesn’t really get any more understandable as things go on.

ok now im up to chapter 19 and im a bit less lost, but still pretty fucking confuzzled...
was teukie a real angel?
if not why does doojoon think he is?
and where did teukie live before going to the school?
and why was he able to be kidnapped so much and why did he never call the police???
Is yunho an angel too?
and just what the fuck is doojoon? is he the devil or something???
please help!

c)      Not quite what I had thought, but shows that your story still needs clearing up.

296+5/335

301/335

90%

xcaandiihearts' Dong Bang Oneshots Review

Author: xcaandiihearts
link http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/21295/dong-bang-oneshots-jaemin-jaesu-minsu-yaoi-yoomin-yoosu-yunjae

Dong Bang Oneshots by xcaandiihearts

His regret: the only really big issue is the use of the song lyrics. Readers usually skip these sections because they don’t really add onto the story. The lyrics in this oneshot were actually very important, but I remember when I first read I didn’t read the lyrics and just used context clues to guess what had happened. You see, when you put lyrics in a fic, you pull the reader out of the story for a moment. Once the lyrics are finished it takes a moment for the reader to get back into it.

There were two really cliché moments. The first was Yunho calling Jaejoong a girl. This exact scene has been done so many times that it is boring. The other is Jaejoong dying in the end. That was obvious.

Do not change the color of anything except lyrics and author’s notes. Many different colors look childish and unprofessional. Even then, I don’t think writing in color is appropriate at all.

Charm Bracelet: You could have gone a little further into Yunho standing out in the rain to play on him being deeply hurt by the separation as well.

Otherwise, it was overall good, even the smut.

Memories: Just a little too “Romeo and Juliet”ish. The method of suicide is the only problem here. Death by self mutilation is actually not that common. Cutters using cutting as a way to relieve themselves of their troubles, not hurt themselves. In the case of suicide, overdosing would have made more sense. For a quick death, shooting oneself, hanging, jumping off a building, even drowning. Cutting was the only one that worked in this situation, I know. I’m sure you could have worked it out somehow.

Bracelet: Running into each other and knocking each other down is overused. So is a terminal illness. Jaejoong’s illness was way too sudden and didn’t fit in with the rest of the oneshot at all.

Happy Valentines~: Smut is smut

Changmin’s Birthday: NEVER CHANGE POVs IN THE MIDDLE OF A CHAPTER! It was okay fluff.

My Sweet Rhapsody: Smut is smut, obsessive fangirls are overused.

Baby, you’re arrested: I thought this one was actually creative.

Nine: Try and find a better way to incorporate these lyrics into the oneshot because often times what happens is the reader sees them and skips them entirely. They do that with one sentence, two sentences, a short stanza, a whole poem. If it is not incorporated into the story itself they ignore it and move on to the story.

Instead, try putting the lines into the actual paragraphs. If you want to make it clear that the phrase is part of the larger poem, put it in italics or another color. Do not change the font though. You can still put the full poem or lyrics at the beginning or end, I encourage that actually, because there will be those that do read it. For those that will skip it, it will come as an amazing realization of what you were doing.

Otherwise, it was okay.

Mirotic: Okay

Stand by U: A lot of your oneshots have similar themes, being in a relationship but not together anymore. Try to change up the storylines a bit more. Even though it is a oneshot, try to include more history and details so that it isn’t so generic. Even though you are trying to make the song fics have the same feel as the song, what readers expect from a song fic is just another story. It doesn’t have to have the same tone as the song, as long as it tells the story.

Ice Cream: It was cute and fluffy, but the part with the ice cream vender loving his sister and having a gay son was a little too much. It could happen, but it takes away from YunJae and the wrongness that the relationship is overcoming is toned down to the point that they seem like a normal couple. Otherwise it was fine.

Not for anyone: This is a perfect example of less is more. There isn’t any unnecessary distracting plot, only Jaejoong caring and Changmin causing Jae to worry. Drabbles like this are the best, they are able to tell a story and leave the reader thinking.

Angelic Halloween: Smut is smut. This is my opinion because I have read a lot of YunJae smut, but when Jae is being slutty and dominating, he needs to be just a bit more demanding, less like a girl and more like a whore in heat. It is just as good on the opposite side of the spectrum, Jaejoong being sort of innocent and fully comfortable in female clothing and really embarrassed. But your smut is really good, are you sure you are only that old?

Of crayons and Unicorns: This is really, really cute fluff, but if you want to surprise readers, make Yunho the unicorn drawer. It is always interesting to give them different characterizations. I’ve read tons of fics with Jaejoong being an absolutely feminine guy, and after awhile it has been done too many times. This was fine though.

Gay for my Dongsaeng: The smut was really good, Jaejoong trying to deny his desires, those are always interesting. Incest was an added bonus. It was kind of unclear about who was topping.  At first I thought Junsu, then maybe Jaejoong, and then oh it was Junsu. Jaejoong acted very immature at times, like with the mentioning of churros. Sex is usually better when you can see the deeper, darker side to it. There can always be that spin on the story if the plot requires it. In this case, it was an incest story, and that is one of those things that readers might not find as acceptable as normal homosexuality, so deeper, more mature thoughts would have been better.

Also, the straight out mentioning of pubic hairs was a major turn off. The hairs brushing up against his ass was okay, Jaejoong saying he waxes but Junsu was hot, that was too far. There are certain things readers prefer not to read about (unless the mood is set right). That is the same as hypothetically saying when Junsu pulled his cock there was shit on it.

Conclusion: Unless I said otherwise, basically everything else was very good. There weren’t any moments where I screamed about the impossibilities of something happening or got irritated with your grammar. Don’t change the color or the font, you’ll be fine.

 There was the occasional “I’ve read this a couple of times before,” but there are so many YunJae fanfics out there, it is inevitable. There are certain themes I’ve noticed in Jaejoong paired fics. In YunJae there is always a big struggle and conflict, but they usually end up together and in love. Jaejoong is either characterized as either very diva-like, studious and poor, or feminine. YunJae is very much a man-woman relationship.

Often times with JaeMin, Jaejoong will usually be the gay one, and more often than not, he is just a normal gay. Changmin will either be straight and in denial, or played around with by Jaejoong. Their conflicts are more about Changmin feeling slightly like an outcaste, or Jaejoong feeling like an outcaste, and one of them has to help the other overcome their internal conflicts.

I find with JaeSu, one of them has made a mistake and they have to correct it or they’ll lose the other. Jaejoong will usually be the dominating one, but not always. Their relationship is sometimes like YunJae’s, except not as intense.

If you ever write JaeChun, I am an expert on them.

This is just in general. Of all the hundreds of fics I read, that summarized a lot of them. 

ChocoChips321's Birthday Gift Happy Birthday Key review

Author: ChocoChips321

link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/80417/birthday-gift-happy-birthday-key-jonghyun-key-minho-onew-shinee-taemin-yaoi

Very good job! The oneshot isn’t crazy. Key wasn’t mentioned as a diva directly and was portrayed only slightly as such with descriptions. Grammar is pretty good, no major mistakes that I remember or see at a glance.The idea behind this is cute and funny, and the perverted joke earns a laugh. You really took some time in keeping this real to an extent. There was only one issue, the party with all those idols.

The party would have been more believable if it wasn’t an actual party. I don’t really see SHINee having a break long enough for an extravagant gathering to take place. Their idol position already prevents them from doing extreme events. A small party between SHINee and maybe a few other idols from SM would have been understandable (not Super Junior because they are doing promotions for their fifth album repackage), but not from all those different companies all together on a boat.

Mentioning the individual names of the idols was also sort of unnecessary. That is an overload of names that many readers don’t know. It’s wonderful to see that you know of these groups, but really, they didn’t need to be mentioned. And the possibility of all these idols having the evening off is, once again, a long shot. This is the same as reading a fic and having to learn the name of all thirty students in the class. Usually only two or three matter, in this case the five members of SHINee, and the rest are unimportant. Even during the dance off the names didn’t need to be stated, it was overwhelming.

A major problem I see with this is the fact that it is a birthday oneshot for Key, but you wrote from Jonghyun’s perspective. Considering this fact, there was very little Key at all. To use Jonghyun’s point of view, there needs to be more of an emotional tie to Kibum to make this meaningful, otherwise it really seems like he is just buying a present and being the normal airheaded Jjong. By sticking with Jonghyun’s POV, a lot of Key’s actions don’t make sense unless thought about for a second.

Plotwise, the fic is very safe. You’ve taken a complete 180 of your normal writing, making this actual a little boring. I am aware that you are trying to please me to some extent and keeping it safe, but there has to be more of a plot. It was in general extremely summarized and short, there weren’t that many fluffy details that engage the readers.

The most interesting thing that happens, minus the slight JongKey interactions, is when Jonghyun “forgets” Key’s present. His paranoia before isn’t developed enough as it is and isn’t that clear. It is easy to take in, but the ideas aren’t easy to connect. If that is the most interesting thing, something went wrong. There is toning it down, then there is turning it bland. It is okay to exaggerate on some things. You did well with messing up the party with the music problems and the likes. Most of the times authors keep the party going without a hitch, in this case, you thought realistically, parties never go by without something messing up.

Now that you’ve gotten more of a realistic story going on, use the fluffy words to make it sound interesting. Life is generally boring until a certain view is used to see it. Right now, you are showing the readers a bland look at SHINee’s life, even if it is filled with parties as presents. Make the party appealing, have the reader feel the beat of the music in the dance off and stare in awe at Key’s birthday cake. Using those descriptive words! Every sentence can have more depth. Otherwise, they are simple and plain.

The sentences don’t make the reader say “wow,” it’s the hidden joke with the earphones that do that. The plot is only part of what appeals to readers, the varied sentences are what keep them hooked to the end, even more so if the plot is done right, yes.

Taking in how much you have improved and all the above in mind, I’ll give you an 85 for this review. Good job, your score has improved 42 points from your first review, though this one was very informal.

Pointers for JaejoongPrincess

The first thing that needs to be addressed is your number of subscribers. When you first begin writing you will get maybe one or two subscribers per chapter. This is because readers are testing you, seeing if you’ll update soon enough so they don’t have to subscribe and know you update often. They also don’t subscribe in the beginning because many readers want to read longer fics, so unless the fic seems like one to not update often or has an intensely intriguing plot, they won’t subscribe. Five chapters are not long enough, and three weeks is not enough time to draw readers in. Just update often and leave keyboard smashing cliffhangers.

Secondly, you don’t actually want your fic to be featured. It is a known opinionated fact among the more experienced writers here that the featured stories are not worthy of really being read. Getting featured does mean a lot more comments, readers, and compliments, but it also means that you will be in the limelight for criticism from can write better and will want you to know they aren’t happy you got featured instead.

Getting featured isn’t even a realistic goal. Unless you write every minute, are one of the original 1000 users, or write really bad smutty fics, you won’t get featured.

The Switch

You’re giving away way too much of the plot in the summary. Cut down on everything but the necessities. An anti-fan causes JYJ to switch bodies and they end up living each other’s lives.

The chapter looks very pretty, but it is unnecessary and might actually scare some readers away. Don’t highlight all the words and keep them black, colored font can be difficult to read. A lot of readers prefer the default font, Helvetica, over Comic Sans MS or one of the others. This is one of the tricks readers take to see the effort put into a chapter. Making the chapter look pretty tells readers you care more about what it looks like than how it is actually written. A large font also makes readers feel like they have been cheated out of a long chapter. Readers love to read longer chapters (unless they are way too long) especially if they like the fic. A large font makes a short chapter seem longer, but it is not and they get a little disappointed.

In the first paragraph of chapter one, the sentence “You could feel the cool summer breeze against your skin” can be confusing for readers who might think this is a “you” fic. This sentence would be okay anywhere other than the first chapter. The first few chapters are essentially for readers to get to know the author and their writing style. Readers can usually tolerate or love cheesy fics, but some writing styles are torment, so the first chapters are another test for them.

Script writing is an absolute no-no. It tells a reader that you don’t read often, even if you may, and you don’t know how to write dialogue.

Instead of saying Jaejoong: “Yoochun, Junsu, lunch is ready.” Jaejoong yelled, preparing the table. Yoochun and Junsu came into the dining room and sat down at the table this speaking part should be seen as:

“Yoochun, Junsu, lunch is ready!” Jaejoong yelled, preparing the table. Yoochun and Junsu came into the dining room and sat down.

For more on writing dialogue, refer to my blogs, Part 4 is for dialogue.

You do still need to work on your grammar, but it isn’t so bad that you need to give such a large warning in your forewords. For my first fic I left a short note explaining I couldn’t spell to save my life, but then I realized it didn’t matter because my readers honestly couldn’t spell any better than I could. Your grammar will only ever be an issue if it disrupts the flow. It does occasionally, but not so badly. Putting a large warning will scare away readers.

Make sure to stick to the flow of the story. One minute they are eating lunch, and then all of a sudden Yoochun is asking Jaejoong about his crush. It is too abrupt; some leading actions need to be put in. You can’t connect the dots without drawing a line between them.

Refrain from using a lot of references to Japanese culture. A lot of people don’t know Crystal Kay or Peach girl, though I happen to know of both.

Describe the actions of the characters better. It is almost exactly like you are writing a script.

Jaejoong: Jaejoong stops eating. “Her name is Jung Hye Roddy.” Jaejoong continues eating again. 

The two yellow highlighted sentences are very basic and obvious sentences. Unless Jaejoong were to talk while spraying soup everywhere, he’d have to stop eating! Writing about Jaejoong in this way takes away from the fact that Junsu and Yoochun are right next to him, even if the others are in the next paragraphs. It almost seems like Jaejoong is facing a wall and talking to himself. Always show the interactions between the three, not all the time necessarily, but often enough to show they are still there.

I am one of the readers that do not tolerate certain things in a fic. 1) Is POV changes, or point of view changes. You’re okay there.  2) Flashbacks. Flashbacks are allowed, but not in a way where Flashback is stated then the following paragraphs are the flashback then flashback end is stated last. With this I think you are okay as well. 3) Naming the location of the new scene. Here we have a problem.

When changing scenes you can not just name the location. Describe it, make it a real place. Write about the setting, the people there, what they are doing, what might happen, what’s the purpose, why are they there. That is the equivalent of saying I am writing this in my room.

5 minutes later: In the kitchen

There is better wi-fi here!

That won’t cut it. These are the three key points to a reader to show if the writer is experienced enough.

JYJ need to act more mature. In this fic they are 24-25? Yes? They need to act their age. JYJ are idols, therefore they need to be aware of their idol status. Jaejoong asking out a teacher after a two year, three month long crush seems a little farfetched. All in all, keep track of all the details you add to the fic and make sure they are believable.

Fanfictions usually portray out idols speaking Korean, only it’s English to us, therefore, this use of Korean in your fic is unnecessary. It is nice to know that you know these basic Korean words, but some people don’t and it does interrupt your fic. There are a lot of mistakes that anyone could correct. One for instance is when Jaejoong is doing his photo-shoot, the camera doesn’t click every five seconds, it clicks practically every second. If you are ever unsure about something, don’t be afraid to ask someone or look it up. Readers connect to a fic that is more realistic.

I know this is a comedy, but they would not pay much attention to Soo Young unless she stopped them and asked for an autograph. The interaction between Soo Young and JYJ should have stopped after they ended up in the hospital. Readers think she is a bitch, they don’t want to see her for several chapters. For now, JYJ’s reaction to their body switch is the most important.

Do not ever use shortened forms of text like LOL, WTH, IKR, or anything else in a fanfic. Readers hate it.

Any mention of JYJ, HoMin, TVXQ split makes me cry. I cried when Jaejoong sang “Hug”. I am that much of a hardcore fangirl. That being said, since the fic is based on an anti being mad at them for leaving TVXQ, you really need to exaggerate on those moments. Jaejoong crying isn’t enough; readers need to know why he is crying. We obviously know why, but having the author describe it to us makes it more meaningful and real. The same thing for the anti-fan. Readers reading the fic probably still like JYJ, so they won’t completely understand how the fan is thinking. These are important to the plot and need to be highlighted specifically.

Don’t leave various notes from yourself in the actual chapter, wait to the end. You did this when you mentioned the price of the gum. Put an asterisk (*) and explain it at the end in an author’s note. This will keep the chapter uncluttered and easier to read.

The Prince of Cassiopeia

You gave too much information in the summary, and the summary needs to stay in the foreword/description area. When you finally got into the actual fic, the summary was reiterated and making the summary itself pointless.

When dealing with sensitive topics like ADOPTION—A-D-O-P-T means to take a child from an adoption house and legally make them your own, Adaption/adapt/adapted means to change to one’s surroundings—you need to keep the fic neutral or when someone is doing something morally wrong, make it more obvious. Boa held up the baby with no eyes and the Queen bluntly said no without any remorse or consideration. Baby has no eyes, she could have said ‘how sad, but we can’t have a king without eyes.’

Try and vary the length of your paragraphs, make them longer and include more descriptions to set the scenes better.

Kim Jaejoong is the prince of Cassiopeia. Cassiopeia is a diverse country filled wish bustling cities. Cassiopeia is a country, where the old traditions meet the new traditions. Cassiopeia is famous for the red ocean, their chocolate pork chop brownies (yum yum), tour attractions, and magical fairies at night, that light up the sky. Jaejoong's parents are the king (Kim Hyun Joong) and queen (Jung So Min) of Cassiopeia. His dad is the greatest kings that ever live and he is considered a legendary warrior who saves people. The king and queen of Cassiopeia is not Jaejoong's biological parents.  

This is called an anaphora, when the same sound or word is repeated at the beginning of consecutive sentences. The best example of one would be ‘Tale of Two Cities’ with ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” In this case, it doesn’t sound good, especially because your sentences are very simple. I highlighted the verb “is” because it is this word that takes away from Cassiopeia’s description. For more on this, please read Part 8 of my rants. Also, like I said before, leave out bits that can be taken as a personal note.

The bullies and fangirls are exaggerated greatly, they are not important, they are annoying, they need to be toned down.

Tripping would likely not break his leg. The reader would “what the heck” at this moment and might not continue. That is too absurd.

Jaejoong’s venture away from Cassiopeia sounds like it is his first time ever leaving. It sounds like he has never been militarily trained and has no idea what to do in the forest. If this is the case, he will die.

The fic itself sounds like a fairytale for children. Fanfics are read by people from the age of eleven to thirty plus years. Fairytales will not do. This needs to seem like a real world, not fairytale castle with DBSK’s fanclub plastered on it.

Remember, you already introduced Yunho as one of the bullies outside the castle, now he is wanted dead or alive in Elf village? Make sure everything fits!

Everything else is basically the same issues in The Switch.

~Above all, you need to work on developing everything more. Readers love well developed and thought out fics. The more believable, the better. They don’t need gimmicks like lots of shouting and childish play, the raw emotion and facing the reality of life is what makes readers want more. In a comedy it is better to focus on the idols. Stay away from the girls unless romance is one of the finalities of the ending. Try and focus on your plot as much as possible and try not to add in unnecessary information. Do not write your dialogue in script writing. The plot is very interesting, develop the characters to match.

Your plot is very interesting, I will give you that. The poster for The Prince of Cassiopeia is very good, and I am curious myself on how The Switch will turn out.