mafalda's 집 - Home

Author: mafalda
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/211532/home-action-amber-family-kryber-krystal-romance-home

I apologize about the formatting. Because I copied the Hangul, it got messed up.

I just want to point out that the other review you got was bullshit. They shouldn’t have graded you on your graphics because reviews are for what is written. I also think they focused too much on your grammar and sentence structure when that is clearly not your strong point. It was almost bullying the amount they pointed out. It’s all crap that she said you had a good plot but took off points because there have been movies about it. There have been movies about practically everything so that shouldn’t deter you. And I could easily say that I didn’t enjoy your fic (not that I am) because I don’t like to read about homosexuals (which isn’t the case) and I think it’s ridiculous that their enjoyment of the story is part of the grade. I think the only thing that review could have helped you with is your grammar, and even, then, it would just be easier to get a dedicated beta than make those changes and try and match it elsewhere.

The title of your story, while simple, is actually quite nice and the added Hangul makes it ever so slightly eye-catching. In the description, I was pleased to see that you defined 집 immediately and gave me an idea of the what the story was about. It would have helped to tie what the story is about to home besides the definition, but it is nothing to fret over. So far, I don’t see a clear reason as to why the story is called Home. I can small reasons, but not really.  

Your foreword is okay. It set up the story, yes, but as I was reading it I felt overwhelmed. I wasn’t overwhelmed in a sense that I couldn’t read anymore, but I didn’t know who Jack and Frank are. There are several ways to start a story, and one of them is to throw the reader into the action. I don’t know if you were trying to do it that way, but if you were, you weren’t doing it quite correctly. You want to throw them in at the most crucial part of an action scene.

If you were just trying to be suspenseful while setting up the back story, you “bored” me because you didn’t mention Amber or Krystal. This is a story about these two girls, so I don’t particularly care about the father and other men. It would have been better to describe Krystal being followed and how she doesn’t know what is going on but she feels like she is in danger (or just something related to Krystal) and then smoothly switching to Jack who discovered that she was being tailed and is informing Frank on what to do. This scenario, or something similar, which focuses on Krystal or Amber first would have caught the reader’s attention more.

But you didn’t really do anything wrong, those are just suggestions for improvement. I’m so glad you didn’t do any character profiles or include pictures. I am questioning why you changed the font. You didn’t need to…

Ugh, you have text selection turned off.

The flow of the story is a little messed up. You include a lot of things, but you don’t take time to make them significant nor do you elaborate them. For instance in Chapter 2 when the setting is being introduced, you briefly mention things like the traditional houses or the door opening.

 

A few minutes later, something on the door moved and a rectangular open appeared, revealing the eyes of an old asian lady.

 

This sentence is rather awkward. I don’t exactly know what you mean by “something on the door moved and a rectangle open appeared” but I have a guess. Here is an example of how you could have embellished it.

 

A few minutes later there was a click of a switch and they could see a rectangle outline before it slid open, light shining out of the slot to reveal the wrinkled almond eyes of a woman whose lids were already sagging into her line of vision.

 

It sounds more sophisticated than saying “an old asian lady.”

Then you should take a moment to describe the atmosphere more. How is Krystal feeling? What is the weather like? Windy, cold? How does the old woman act besides the smiling? Her posture? Compare this house to the other houses, is it any different?

If you don’t take the time to describe actions, feelings, and thoughts, the story sounds rushed and doesn’t leave an impression. Make everything significant, or at least sound important.

Also, try to use mature language.

 

The main sliding door was open, revealing a some kind of living room with a long table in the middle, a lot different from the tables Krystal was used to see back in America: this one was really low and dark, contrasting with the color of the whole house, which was all built with a pretty, light-brown wood.

Here is my example. All I did was change a few words and rearrange the sentences.

The main sliding door was open, exposing a living area containing furniture that Krystal was not accustomed to seeing in America. The long table in the middle of the room sat low to the floor, the dark surface contrasting with the color scheme of the house as most of the other furniture and walls were a light-brown, mimicking Oak wood.

Something that will really help the flow is transitions. For instance, directly after the description of the house, Krystal puts on the slippers. Simple follow up on the house by mentioning that Krystal glances at the elder woman taking off her shoes and putting on the slippers. Smooth transitions help ease the choppiness of the flow.

How did she not wake up when they took her from her room? I wake up when someone even walks up the stairs. Please reconsider revising this detail. Maybe include how they might have drugged her or used some other method to ensure that she remained unconscious.

Be creative with your words. While I’m not suggesting that you use a thesaurus and use any word that might mean the same thing, do try to change it up. You may use a thesaurus and use different words if you know what they mean. To describe the “old asian lady” you could use “aged” or “elderly.” “Old” is a very simplistic word.

You are confusing the function of a colon (:) for a semicolon (;). I don’t really know the function of a colon; a semicolon is used to break up two or more related sentences.

Your sentence

Creepy, at the same time nice; the old lady was always smiling.

Corrected:

Creepy yet, at the same time, nice; the old lady was always smiling.

You might feel that the flow is slow because you are including a lot of information, but in reality you are not including many important parts, nor do you make those included important parts stand out from the normal description. As the author you probably feel like you want to tell everything you can think of about the story to the reader, but you always want to progress with the actual storyline. The reader wants the story to progress too.

I want to see Amber from the get-go.

You spent too much time describing the settings (in the early chapters) and not enough focusing on the plot.

The development of the story should have several components. There is the plot, the characters and their relationships, and the different settings. It’s great that you can picture the settings of the story very well, but you also need to pay greater attention to the actual plot. What I get from the first three chapters is that Krystal is in danger and is now in Korea. I shouldn’t be able to summarize the three chapters in one sentence.

Because you generally write paragraphs that are only one to three lines long (through about chapter 11), I suggest that you try not writing long paragraphs. Well, your long ones are not really long, they’re pretty average, but in comparison to your average length, they are excessively long and make me want to skip them. I just know as a reader that if I am used to reading short paragraphs, the longer ones either intimidate or look to long to read and I skim through or skip them all together.

So characters and their relationships. None of the characters make me want to rip my hair out and you have the basics for them down. When you are describing their expressions and actions, you also have to make it flow smoothly. People don’t wear masks that change instantaneously depending on the emotions they are feeling.

Amber really make me feel this. Your characters lack life.

Krystal might ask herself what the hell is going on, but it really feels like me, the reader, is asking all these things. What does Jack do? What’s the deal with this gang? Why Korea? What’s wrong with being gay? While there is clearly something going on, Krystal asks very simple questions, and all you’ve shown is her confusion. You need to develop the other aspects of her. I’ve seen confusion and only confusion. It was mentioned that Krystal felt homesick and lonely, but you didn’t really show it. There is more to characterization than just mentioning thoughts and saying things.

To give Krystal some life, show more of how she is adapting to Korean culture. You always seem to cut it off just as she is embracing these novelties. Also, give Krystal some more personality. She might be arrogant, spoiled, and clueless, but I can’t really tell because her actions do not expand on who she is.

With Amber, she seems to be angry then laughing in seconds. She too lacks actions to support her. The only thing I get out of her is that she has a habit of running her hand through her hair.

In reality, the only things you have characterizing them is their conversations and the background information paragraphs. I know that Krystal and Jack are like siblings from the info you spouted out, not the childish banter they could have had (I don’t consider their normal banter as childish because it seems too serious instead of playful). I know Amber is lesbian because of the picture on her phone and how she admitted it. She hardly ever has thoughts about girls, doesn’t act any different from a normal girl (not that they do, but I’ll explain this in a bit), and only just recently started to express feelings for Krystal.

I’m saying that Amber doesn’t act lesbian because she doesn’t show even the bare minimum signs of her being Amber; she’s just that blonde girl who also previously lived in America and happens to like girls. The only time you ever described Amber’s clothes she was in her uniform. Talk about Amber’s fashion sense! How she wears pants! You haven’t mentioned that a single time. It would be overkill to repeat her attire every single time they meet, but at least do it once. Another part of Amber is that she seems like a very confident person, so you should use that to portray her as a strong, level-headed, masculine female.

Now onto your plot. What is it? You have set up this story about gangs and getting killed but you also have this romance story with themes of homosexuality and coming to terms with it. This could easily be a story about either of those elements as a singular story, and so far, you haven’t combined the two together efficiently. If you are going to add these things to the story, make them an important part of your story.

The other reason your flow feels off is because you mention at one point that Joe might be a traitor, then a few weeks later they are dropping Krystal off at school. You made absolutely no connection between Krystal’s school life and relationship with Amber to the danger she is in and the bodyguards and all that fun stuff. The closest you get to this is having the bodyguards follow Krystal around, Jack disrupting their fun together, and Amber witnessing it. They don’t find Amber a threat after one dinner with Jack? Amber’s life hasn’t faced any danger?

To add more to Krystal, tie her relationship with Amber to the gang situation, and even connect the story to the title, really show how spoiled Krystal and bratty is with how she acts towards her guards/Jack/her grandmother, and also show how she adapts to living in Korea. The more she demonstrates interactions with protection from the gang (and I suppose inquires more about what Jack and her father do) and the more she changes, the more you can say the Krystal finds Korea her new home.

You have to tie things together and you have to do that by developing the story. Develop your plot and characters with actions and emotions; stop relying on dialogue and splashes of information. Don’t tell the reader, show them.

About the originality of your fic. It’s not really original, there is a plethora of other stories/movies/books/things that could follow similar lines as this. So that people aren’t telling you “Oh, I saw this in a movie. Someone else wrote something similar,” you need to… do exactly what I said, develop it. Just by developing those generic topics, you have already made a different and unique story.

Oh, and your English is a big problem. Because English and Portuguese do not translate completely smooth, I recommend finding someone that either speaks Portuguese and English well or someone that is willing to sit down with you and really revise your sentences. I’d say that, yes, your grammar and confusing wording is probably a factor for why you might lack readers, if you felt that was even a problem.

You did it so many times, you confused “in” and “on.”

IN means inside, within, into.

An example sentence, “She was wrapped in the warm sweater.”  

ON means on top of, lying on, resting on.

An example sentence, “She was walking on the surface of beach.”

Your story is not bad at all. It has all the basics a fic needs and doesn’t make many errors other than not focusing on KryBer for the first few chapters and introducing the story too abruptly. Everything else here is just to make your story better.

Smothers you with feels, I love The Man from Nowhere. 

myungwoogyu's Infinitize You

Author: myungwoogyu
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/214825

1)      Title-N/A

a)      You’re right; your title has nothing to do with the story. Should I give you a 0 for that? No, because you acknowledge it. I just won’t score you for this.

b)      Title suggestions: No idea, just think of your fic, think of what you have planned, think of the feeling, some parts that might come up again. Change your title to something that fits.

2)      Foreword, Description, Tags, and Introduction-8/15 pts

a)      Your description is okay, but it seems to be missing a few words, making it sound awkward in some parts. It does the job of attracting interest, but it is a little plain.

b)      While the description is okay, your foreword is entirely lacking. No, there isn’t any law that says you need to have a foreword in your story, but since it is there I think you need to include something, whether it is a prologue, summary, or note from yourself.

c)      Forewords allow readers to test a writer’s ability. There are some readers that will not read the fic if they aren’t hooked immediately.

d)     You do skip around with the different scenes of the prologue. Instead of separating the moments you should connect them with the in-between details. For instance, what happened between Hoya getting them into a cab to Sunggyu waking up?

e)      This jumpy style is good if it gets the message across, but it is better suited for oneshots where there isn’t as much room for telling a whole story. It’s okay to write a lot. Even if it starts getting lengthy, if you get the point across and demonstrate your skills, no one will get annoyed.

f)       Because the first half of the prologue skips around so much and isn’t clear, I think the better start to the prologue is from Hoya and Sunggyu on the beach.

g)      For a prologue it has the perfect air of mystery that leaves the reader hanging on their seats. What happened to Hoya and Sunggyu in their past? The reader will want to know more and find out.

3)      Basics-30/30 pts

a)      POV: No changes are made, good.

b)      Font: No changes are made, good.

c)      Structure: No errors in characters speaking in the same paragraphs, stating the obvious during scene changes or flashbacks, and no script writing.

d)     Alignment: No changes are made, good.

e)      Dialogue: No useless conversations are made and it is not the main part.

4)      Proper Grammar-10/10 pts

a)      Your grammar is fine. I’m sure some grammar Queen spotted a few errors, but that doesn’t really matter. Any errors you might have had didn’t interrupt the flow of the story and that’s really what matters.

5)      Character Development-40/50 pts

a)      I like the way you develop the characters. You actually develop them. It’s subtle and their traits aren’t being thrown out there just because, the characters act reasonable for the situations.

b)      To help with the characterization you should focus more on their emotions. I really wanted to know how Sunggyu felt when Woohyun left him to care for Myungsoo by himself. Otherwise they all feel very flat.

c)      If you are going to use nicknames that the fandom knows on principle, at least add in some description that supports these details. It’s not enough to just call Sunggyu a hamster, describe why. If you don’t, then it doesn’t actually fit in with the story.

d)     While I said I liked how you are developing them, you are actually leaving quite a bit out. With the enthusiastic characters like Sungjong and Sungyeol, their personalities and likes show, but with the quieter ones like Sunggyu, Myungsoo, and Woohyun, I know almost nothing about them from your descriptions.

e)      You got better later in the fic at revealing their traits

6)      Originality and Predictability-35/35 pts

a)      Your story isn’t cliché; at least it doesn’t feel like it. You write very differently. When we think of cliché plots we think of the main character yelling at someone for bullying their friend and threatening to beat them up as if they are some ally to justice. Your story does not have that feeling at all, mostly because the characters lack reactions to things. One of the main reasons cliché stories feel that way is because of the over the top reactions the characters have to the situation. Because of your character’s toned down reaction, it doesn’t seem out of the ordinary and cliché.

b)      You made the story your own.

c)      Because of the flow, the story is not predictable at all, but even if the flow was correct I think the multiple storylines would keep the reader engaged.

7)      Focus and Flow-15/25 pts

a)      The scenes shift too suddenly. They just kind of happen. Instances in chapter 2 are the introduction to Woohyun five years later, Sunggyu’s Chemistry teacher suddenly calling for him, meeting Sungyeol and going to karaoke, and taking Myungsoo home. Take the time to elaborate on each part so that it can smoothly flow into the next part.

b)      You do a good job describing the physical aspects, so to help get the full picture, go into their emotions and thoughts.

c)      While talking about the physical description, let’s add that it is very boring. You made it like a list. This person did something, that person watched, another person received this action, and another was on standby. There is no in between and let’s-stop-for-a-moment-and-analyze-the-way-he-walks-with-his-head-down detail.

d)     The scenes are so shifty that the fic is almost not enjoyable. Something happens; it’s not explained, repeat.

e)      Hi Sunggyu, crazy meeting you in the bathroom here, kiss me! (Chapter 3) You really, really, really need to include Sunggyu’s thoughts. All the craziness of this moment and absurdity is lost when it seems like Sunggyu is taking it all in stride. It came off as “this, this, and this happen, and then Sunggyu was angry.” Waiting until later chapters to show his feelings about something won’t work. Do it when it happens.

f)       It moves so slowly. Because of the subtleness of the reactions, the story doesn’t seem to progress. It takes a lot of time for you to come back and address things and in that time you’ve gone into other things and repeated the same process adding onto the list of things that have been thrown in without explanation.

g)      Try to avoid having cliffhangers that you don’t immediately follow up in the next chapter, and you shouldn’t have cliffhangers in the middle of the chapter –follow up on progress

8)      Plot -35/50 pts

a)      Sticks Plot:

i)        I wish you had put more emphasis on the relationships Sunggyu has with his friends. Let’s say when Myungsoo had pulled Sunggyu into his bed, rather than a brief paragraph about what happened, maybe half a chapter would have been better. If you are going to tag the story Myunggyu or the other pairings, you need to include these moments. If not, remove those tags, stop tricking those shippers!

(1)   What I want to see: Explain Sunggyu’s relationship with each of the characters one at a time. How he met the person, what he thinks of them, what they think of him, how they interact, and why they are significant to the story.

(2)   That does not mean readers want a list like Sunggyu met Sungjong in class. He thinks Sungjong is a hyper little thing, but he knows that they are close. Every time Sungjong rambles, Sunggyu spaces out. Absolutely not. Just write the way you do and somehow include these parts.

ii)      The description –the only hint at what the story is going to be about- says the story is about Woohyun and Sunggyu, but it starts off with Hyogu, goes into Myunggyu, then abruptly throws brief Woogyu. If there are this many relationships going on, put some part in to show how desirable Sunggyu is and connect them somehow.

iii)    Return to Hoya, bring him back somehow, let Sunggyu’s past out. Hoya could be a crucial crux for all the pairings that could happen.

iv)    Since the musical part doesn’t take part until the latter half, maybe change your description to match with the story. Make it more about how Sunggyu deals with his friends and school life, maybe Woohyun’s random request for him to pretend to be his boyfriend.

b)      Understandable:

i)        Going along with your abrupt scene changes, you are completely cutting off at the end of chapters and starting somewhere completely different. The end of chapter 1 is Sunggyu crying and Hoya leaving then chapter 2 starts with their school life. The end of chapter 2 is Myungsoo pulling Sunggyu into his bed and chapter 3 starts off at school again. It is not coherent and makes it difficult to follow what is going on.

ii)      Because you don’t focus on one pairing at a time, nor do you explain what happens until later, a lot of questions are left in the air and causes confusion.

c)      Interesting:

i)        Despite how messed up the flow of the story is, it has a good feeling to it. It has a mysterious feeling, like there are a bunch of hints as to what in the world is going on, but the reader just has to wait to find out what it means. If you work on the flow of your story then this can really boost the appeal your style of writing has.

ii)      I like the way you write. You don’t go over the top and try to make it overly exciting. Granted, this is a key factor into why the story does come across as boring.

9)      Realistic-45/50 pts

a)      Sunggyu has a Physics and Chemistry teacher? There are people in my school taking two or three science classes, but that’s because they don’t want to take them senior year, but that is high school. What is Sunggyu’s reason for taking two science classes? If they’re college students then I don’t think he’d be taking two different types of science classes, maybe two that relate, but not such basic different ones.

b)      More inconsistencies lie with which level of education they are in. High School or University? I’d like to say university because they went out drinking and singing and don’t have classes all day, but there are key parts that resemble Senior High. Usually in universities when a student is late the lecturer will either ignore them because they don’t care one way or another (they’re getting the student’s money for taking the class) or they don’t allow the student into the classroom. When a student gets in trouble gets in trouble they don’t usually give them detentions but kick them out of the classroom. If this is how it works for your school system, I’m sorry, but it doesn’t resemble Korean schooling to me.

c)      When it comes to musicals, it is usually a club or class performing one. For instance, at my school there was a musical performed by the choir and theater students. Students not in these two classes weren’t allowed to audition or help. (Putting these guys into one of these organizations could have spiced up the story and added some action.)

d)     The character relationships are realistic, even if you don’t show them that much. It has that slice-of-life edge where everything just happens. That’s how life is and your fic portrays that. That’s why it’s so difficult for me to judge your flow because the fic has this feel.

10)  Author grew as a writer- 4

a)      You got better at showing the characters’ emotions and they all started to show deeper reactions. You were still shifty in some places, but you got better at controlling that too. This review is through chapter 11.

11)  Readers’ comments- no points awarded

a)      Some of the comments really show that you are leaving many things unexplained. What happened to Howon? Where did those rumors start from?

b)      There are a lot of expectations for all the pairings to get some time, so  I urge you to take the time and develop each pairing better. What I expect is for Hogyu to resurface somehow, but end tragically with Sunggyu moving on. With Myunggyu I expect Sunggyu to realize Myungsoo’s feelings and try to reciprocate them but acknowledge Sungyeol’s love (if he does like Myungie) and let him go. Finally, I expect Woogyu to end up together.

c)      You don’t have to listen to your readers, don’t feel pressured. Even if they demand one pairing or fluffy romance, you can throw in any one of them and make it as angsty, fluffy, funny, fourth emotion as you want.

d)     I agree with some of the readers, you do write really well. You have great vocab and your grammar is also good. The only problem is your listing and shiftiness. You have the power to make your readers react and go crazy for what happens and they really like your story.

Two main problems with your fic: Flow and Character reactions and relationships

An example of messed up flow:

"So, how's it going with Woohyun?" Myungsoo asked out of a sudden, "I saw him at the cafe that day."

The school bell blared loudly around the school, causing Sunggyu to jerk awake. ^[1]

What could have helped:

 "So, how's it going with Woohyun?" Myungsoo asked suddenly out of a sudden, "I saw him at the cafe that day." Myungsoo’s words weren’t clear, and Sunggyu’s sleepy mind shut his voice out. The events of the day had really taken a toll on his mental health and he felt more tired than usual. The question Myungsoo asked was left at the back of his head and remained unanswered.

The school bell blared loudly around the school, causing Sunggyu to jerk awake.

Simply including a few sentences like that shows the condition of Sunggyu, doesn’t leave a cliffhanger in the middle of this setting, and leads into the next paragraph.

Example of the relationships:

"Hey Woohyun," Sunggyu said in a small voice without looking at the said person. When he received a hum, he continued. "Do you know that I'm having kind of a fight with Sungyeol?" he glanced at Woohyun before returning his gaze outside, "I think I can fix it tonight." This time he turned his head to look at Woohyun.

Seconds passed with them only looking at each other without saying anything; and Woohyun finally responded with a "why?"

Sunggyu lowered his eyes and fixed his chin to his knees, "It sort of...happened, and I hope it'll fix soon." ^[2]

Could have helped:

"Hey Woohyun," Sunggyu said in a small voice without looking at the said person. When he received a hum, he continued. "Do you know that I'm having kind of a fight with Sungyeol?" He glanced at Woohyun before returning his gaze outside, "I think I can fix it tonight." This time he turned his head to look at Woohyun.

Seconds passed with them only looking at each other without saying anything, and then Woohyun finally responded with a "why?" Memories of his friend asking for a kiss, rejection, and suddenly lips locking followed by a punch rushed to the front of Sunggyu’s mind.

Sunggyu lowered his eyes and fixed his chin to his knees, "It sort of...happened, and I hope it'll fix soon."

Drawing back to that scene emphasizes the important parts of what happened. It shows that Sungyeol likes Myungsoo and might even show that Myungsoo likes Sunggyu. Throughout the 11 chapters it is only clear that Sunggyu still loves or is at least haunted by Hoya.

^[1] Chapter 5

^[2] Chapter 2

218+4/265

222/265

84%

munjae's ♢ Cheeky Devils ♢

Author: munjae
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/257639/cheeky-devils-comedy-fantasy-friendship-romance-you-exo-exom

Basically you have been reading fanfics since Exo debuted? That explains a lot, actually. You are making a lot of mistakes that most writers make in their first few months of reading and writing, which means you are progressing perfectly.

The more you read fanfics the more you’ll realize that all these graphics and extras that other people put in aren’t necessary at all. You don’t need to put pictures of the characters or list their qualities, just give the readers a taste of the fic. They want to read the fic based off of how well the story is, not how pretty you can make your foreword.

And you might see it in other fics, especially those silly featured ones, but notes about not plagiarizing the fic are unnecessary. It’s already a big rule on AFF and there is no reason to draw attention to it unless your fic has been plagiarized before. While the storyline has been done before, no one is going to doubt you created the story on your own. That’s just a pet peeve of mine though.

Some simple basic rules

1)      No character profiles

2)      Don’t change the alignment of the font or the font itself

3)      Plagiarism/copyright claims aren’t necessary

Congratulations, you have the talent to write! I got this just from the description of the buildings in chapter one. You slipped in and out of past tense, but it was overall written well. I wish you had put that in your foreword instead of your character profiles. The story’s description makes the fic sound very cliché because the storyline can be found in many other fics. This section in the foreword can immediately reverse that notion because it sounds intelligent, well written, and interesting.

Just an extra tip if you are a real try-hard. The old lady that came from under the desk, think about developing her a little more. When she isn’t fazed by JiMin’s scream, is it because it didn’t bother her or is she short of hearing? I want to lean towards the latter so that any loud noises she and the boys make in the apartment can go unheard, for instance, JiMin screaming in chapter 3. You want to think about these little details so that you don’t have too many loopholes.

You also don’t need such large gaps between the end of your chapters and your author’s notes. That forces the reader to scroll more than they want to.

I’m not even an Exo fan and I thought they were adorable when they first met JiMin. Their curiosity of her as a human is… I don’t even know how to describe it, like a kid playing with a small animal for the first time? Your characterization is pretty good, especially since I don’t hate JiMin.

There are some inconsistencies like you said there would be. You’re just going to have to work on including enough details from point A to point B so that it does flow better. For instance, in chapter six the introduction of the bullies is really abrupt. You’re going to have to work on including who these bullies are, how JiMin knows them, and why they dislike her so much.

Chapter three, when JiMin and Exo meet officially, they act very childishly. Their yelling back and forth, especially JiMin, gets very annoying very quickly. Kingsley influenced you? I’ll admit, he makes me chuckle. I laugh because I can hear him in his youtube videos, but in written form, it just comes out stupid. This happens a lot with many things writers include in their stories. They see something in a drama or on TV or even in real life and they try and copy it without realizing that they only thought it was good because of the visuals telling them it is realistic. For instance, if you watched a drama about a girl dressing up and going to an all male school, you can believe it. Reading about it sounds wrong and makes you question what this bullshit is.

You shouldn’t let these things influence your writing too much, try and stick to one form of writing. Chapter 1 was really descriptive and Chapter 3 is full of skips and wackiness. I think you should have gone more into how adorable Exo are as demons. JiMin’s reaction didn’t have to be so exaggerated, maybe more overwhelmed with the demons popping out of nowhere.

I know all of Exo-M’s names, Exo-K, that’s a work in progress. I know their faces, some of their personalities, traits, and body types, but it was still hard for me to distinguish between who was who. It was frustrating that you introduced them in chapter 5. I would rather you had made the first few chapters longer so that the introduction came sooner. Exo is a group with growing popularity, which means that are consistently gaining new fans that don’t really know them that well and this will trouble them.

Not even going to talk about chapter 7. I just hope that JiMin teaches them how to act more human in the near future.

One last thing. You don’t need to put symbols in your title, it’s already eye-catching. If you really think it’s not good enough, your description should help pull in readers too. That’s why you really need to make both sound good.

Final Analysis: Based off of your foreword and description I would not have read your fic, but the actual story is so cute that I am considering reading more.

It’s great that you can update every day, but your updates are short. Instead of updating so often, you should really take the time to really focus on the details of your story. Your plot isn’t developed enough. I recommend that one of these evil forces try and attack JiMin soon so you can go deeper with this story. That will really make this fic your own and not as similar to other stories. Definitely continue this school thing and interacting with Exo as demons and not humans.

Considering you have only been writing for a few weeks, and only reading for a few months, you have done incredibly well. Your story is interesting and your only mistakes were those three little ones I listed above. Just gain some more experience and you will do great. 

Zberrypie's Valiant Attempt

Author: Zberrypie
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/241533/

Remember, you asked me to find the cliché parts, so I tore your story apart finding them.

Standard stuff: Don’t use character profiles. That means you shouldn’t put up a picture (or pictures in this case) for each character, and you shouldn’t put up their entire life story which could possibly ruin the story for an unsuspecting reader. As I am a suspecting reader, I did not read them more than a quick skim through stalker Luhan’s. Reasons this is important? So as not to spoil the story for an unsuspecting reader, these notes are better for your use, not them. Show the readers how well you can write through your story. And if your fic really has cliché elements, these descriptions will reveal them and turn away many readers.

You and your beta need to work hard on the grammar. It’s tough, but little mistakes like verb tense can also scare away readers. Reread often and look for errors if you can. Also, try to address Yoona as more than just ‘Yoona’ and ‘She.’

Is this Cliché: Some parts aren’t so much cliché as simply worded weird so it comes out over the top. For instance,

This wasn’t what she wanted-no. She studied hard and got her degree, she pursued her studies in psychology in hope to be an efficient profiler but she couldn’t make it. Not when she needed money to pay her parent’s debt off, not when she needed to find a job, not when the money wasn’t enough. She stopped her studies, and with the education she had right now, this was the best she can be. She was a journalist in a very famous media company, she worked for their newspaper section and she had heard from her friends that it was a fast-paced job. ^[1]

It’s a very famous media company but the connotation of the words makes it seem like her job is lacking. Yeah, it’s not what she wanted, but if she plays her cards right, she can really rake in some dough. Even if she was working as just an intern –which really makes more sense than getting a job in the newspaper section right off the bat- someone in need of money would show more gratefulness, despite her high expectations of herself.

Yoona’s job comes off as prestigious and this makes it seem like it was easy for Yoona to not have the proper education and land the job. That continues in a direction of Yoona having superior skills to all the other applicants in need of a job and hunting for her position. Glorifying characters, while this isn’t quite that yet, can make the character bland despite all their astounding qualities.

In some ways, yes, that is a little cliché.

Is Yoona running into Kai cliché? It happens often, that is true. Seohyun’s obvious attraction to Kai and Kai’s coldness? Yes, these twists and character traits are overused as well. Should Yoona have slammed the Starbucks receipt on Seohyun’s desk, yes, she should have. Starbucks is expensive. Have I read a few college psychology books, indeed I have, is there something a little off about Luhan, indeed there is. He’s not a stalker, just a really creepy ex-boyfriend.

The moment when Kai first acknowledges Yoona’s presence, yes, this part is very cliché.

Kai was surprised, that someone would actually go against his wish. No one had ever go against him, except his parents and he was impressed by the feisty girl in front of him. ^[2]

This is everywhere. Rich guy gets spoiled, girl doesn’t give him what he wants, and he takes an interest in her. Seen it a million times. Even the way he describes her, “feisty girl,” is a very common description. So Kai is rich, big deal, there is always going to be some other rich guy. Luhan is rich, Kai is rich, and it’s not a big deal. To make Kai more human and less of another stereotype, give him friends that treat him as an equal, his parents aren’t enough.

In fact, making Luhan and Kai rich is just has cliché written all over it. This particular trait didn’t really bother me until the above mentioned part. When you emphasized it, you made it unreal and cheesy. Yoona is poor. Luhan is rich. Luhan likes her and wants to pay for her debts. Kai is rich, Kai is interested in her. Two rich guys liking poor little Yoona? And they’re all pretty to boot.

“However the physical evidence shows otherwise as they was no signs of struggles, “ He muttered as he flipped through his folder. “My partner and I had interviewed her mother and apparently she had depression since a year ago when they house was burnt down, alongside with her father. But her depression was only mild and she was actually coping well. We did not know what pushed her towards the edge. We assume that it could be someone affecting her emotionally, giving her a pushed inside.” He looked up at Yoona once more and smiled. “In fact my partner and I are going to visit her best friend later to find out more information before making a actually hypothesis, do you want to come along?” She immediately stopped typing and looked up, “ Can we???” she breathed excitedly. She loved sloving cases and since she had always wanted to be a detective, if it wasn’t for money therefore this was a great opportunity. Kai looked at Yoona amused by her eager and enthusiastic. Sehun laughed and nodded his head, “Both of you can take a break, my partner will arrive soon with more details of her best friend and then four of us will proceed together.” ^[3]

Here is an example of things working out incredibly well for Yoona. No. This would never happen and the fact that it is adds onto that perfect scenario cliché. Sehun would not allow Yoona and Kai to “come along.” Their tagalong would compromise the investigation. Besides, reporters are not the police’s best friends. Insides scoops on the investigation could also lead to a mistrial, among other things. Anyway, detective and psych analyst are two different things. It actually looks like three different paragraphs in one, (it should be three because the speakers switch back and forth), and looks clustered.

Remember, two speakers are not allowed to speak in the same paragraph.

Another cliché, Amber and Krystal living together in an apartment at the age of seventeen. Considering that housing in Korea is expensive, I don’t think two seventeen year old girls would be able to afford that on their own. In the past Krystal was a bitchy twelve year old? Okay, this is believable, but that manner it is told in makes it very banal.

Next, Kai, Yoona, Sehun, and Luhan all having dinner together after this. They went to the police station at 10 AM, waited half an hour for Luhan, didn’t talk that long to Krystal, and are having dinner? Lunch, dear, lunch. But in normal circumstances they wouldn’t be having any meal together like this. Yoona and Kai would have gone back to the office to work on their report. No meal, these people aren’t friends, they are just brief associates.

Another cliché, skipping what could have been a productive day at work to play games at an internet café.

One more cliché: Sehun and his interaction with Kai and Yoona. He is a detective/police officer person thing and he is acting unprofessional when these circumstances are dire. There is a dead girl out there and he is making jokes about Yoona being more focused on the case instead of him. Thank goodness there was that awkward coffee moment leading to the actual case.

And Yoona’s pmsing in chapter 7 was a tad bit over dramatic. It’s part of her character, so I’ll let it go.

Analysis: Despite everything I wrote above, the problem with your story is not the cliché element that likes to pop out every few paragraphs (and in the characters) but in the plot development. The story should focus more on the fake suicide case if the fake suicide is significant. If somehow the case aids in Yoona’s romance, then it needs to be played up a little more. One thing is for sure, you really need to keep them working. They have a job, and since you mentioned it being fast paced, I assume that means taking on more than one report to do at a time. They shouldn’t waste their time, so add in small comments that show they are actually doing their jobs.

One part that really needs more focus is Luhan and Yoona’s history. They were a happy couple, but now they are apart? Give some hints throughout the story as to what happened. Luhan still loves her, perhaps a little too much, and he is right, relationships don’t just end because she says they do.

Kai, at this point I can’t even guess what his role in the future will be. He’s still only interested, and I’m kind of hoping it stays like that.

Another problem is their relationship with each other, Yoona, Luhan, Kai, and Sehun. It’s odd, unprofessional, and unrealistic, especially when it comes to Sehun being happy to share information and Yoona and Luhan working together.

All in all, I don’t think your story would be one that someone wouldn’t continue reading. If they get passed the foreword and start reading, I think they would be interested enough to continue reading and subscribe, maybe comment if they have the courage to do so. Your story isn’t bad, the grammar needs a lot of work, but you already know that and have a beta, so it’s okay. I don’t know, work on these parts and you should feel better.

^[1] Chapter 1

^[2] Chapter 3

^[3] Chapter 3

hopeleslyconfused's Time's Lost Princess

Author: hopeleslyconfused
Link :http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/236279/time-s-lost-princess-action-drama-fantasy-iusinger-romance-shinee-historical

You said I could do a helping review, so I am.

Foreword Page: I recommend that you don’t change the font style of your description and foreword just because. The real reason is that it, one, irritates some readers when the font isn’t default, and in the case of your description, it causes problems. For the description, 200 characters are allowed in the preview, but if you change the font the numbers of characters seen is less, and that means less for the readers to judge whether or not they want to read the fic or not.

The description reveals way too much information. It sounds more like a prologue that sets up the story and would have been better in the foreword, especially since the foreword is just a continuation of that intro summary.

Yes, it is definitely rushed and doesn’t have the proper description for each action. Your really need to slow down and describe things one by one, second by second even. Describe what the horse saw to make it fearful, describe the feeling of being thrown of the horse and free falling over a cliff. Write about what the readers wouldn’t already think, don’t summarize it down to one paragraph. Remember, the length is never too long.

Never ever, ever, do character profiles. Okay, just stating their name and title as Prince or Brother would have been acceptable, but you also included a picture for them. There is absolutely no reason to include a picture of SHINee, nor of the girl. I’m sure every single reader can imagine what a Korean girl in a hanbok looks like.

You should be a little careful about the names you chose for their past. Park Jungsu? That’s Leeteuk’s real name. It could cause some confusion.

Chapters: Really work on varying which word you use to start the sentences. Something often seen with fics written in first person is the continual use of “I” to start sentences.

The foreword and description definitely spoiled too much considering they summarize the first few chapters.

I’m glad you touched on the social differences between men and women, and I wish you had gone more into this direction. At this time, I expect a woman to be very timid but she is confident, that’s where it doesn’t fit. She knows she shouldn’t be defiant but she is defiant anyway?

Her initial meeting with Key and Jonghyun is really weird. I think the boys would have claimed ignorance and try to leave the Dambi behind instead of taking her to a hospital. Realistically I can see her wandering and seeing all these other new things. Maybe she’d almost get hit by a car due to her curiosity and Key and Jonghyun saved her and took her to a hospital, but that conversation leading to the hospital was just to unrealistic.

Great job with her fascination with modern devices. The road, the cars, the lights, even paper money. You can go really far with that, but not too far because that would be irritating. Dambi can notice all these novelties, and the longer she stays in the modern era the more she understands their functions.

In chapter five the order of your paragraphs are incohesive. The second paragraph is about Mihyun’s reaction to Dambi and the third paragraph is about how she got to the house. It doesn’t flow well.

I seriously hope that Mihyun stays a friendly character because her interactions with Dambi have been very sisterly and sweet. When she first asked about Dambi’s relationship with the two boys I was concerned about her, but she has proven to be a very understanding person. If Dambi had to tell anyone that she is actually from the past, I’d like it to be Mihyun.

Why are chapter four and five in italics? You should change that.

No, this fic isn’t that original, but it is one that you can easily make your very own. Just take a moment and think it out and really try to trip your readers up. What will be the next thing for Dambi to discover? Is there some sort of underlying plot to all of this, or are her interactions with the modern world all you have to offer for the fic? Are Mihyun and Dambi going to fight for Jonghyun’s love? What? What is the actual storyline?

Princesses, witches, time travel, they have all been done before. It’s up to you to really wow the readers. How will of this play a part in the fic? Will she try and get a job and get fired because she was too much of a princess? Will the witch curse her? Make sure that all the information you have included is actually significant to the story. There’s a painting of her as a princess? That painting better come into play later, even if just in a museum and shocking the daylights out of some unsuspecting boy.

It might be difficult, but picture yourself in Dambi’s position. You’ve traveled about 1600 years into the future and there are these new contraptions and five guys that look very familiar to you.

This is rushed. From getting the horse and falling off the cliff to going to the hospital, buying clothes, and living with Mihyun, so many things have happened in the short span of five chapters. Your chapters aren’t that long either. Focus on what is important for the story and what exactly your story is about. At this point it is unclear where you want the story to go because you have included so many things that probably aren’t necessary. You have to cut down on the unnecessary parts and really make a story. Otherwise it is just a repeat of hundreds of previous fanfics with the same storyline, same characters, and same writing style.

It’s interesting, the rest is up to you. 

esteem's Chameleon Mannerism

Author: esteem
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/236258/chameleon-s-mannerism-oneshot-taemin-hurtcomfort

If you want to attract readers, your description really needs to be something that can draw readers in. It has to be more than just one sentence. By looking at your foreword and skimming a little, I can tell that your grammar is slightly off. I’ll revise your prologue so you can see the little mistakes you are making.

The clock's pendulum was swinging; its hands pointed at the numbers four and number twelve. The sky gradually turned into a dark shades of orange, red and honey maple syrups.

Putting down the paper -that which scripted the date, the session's time, the patient's name, and his/her problem- given by the administration staff, I stretched my backs and mentally gave myself a pat for.  I put on my glasses and opened a brand new page of my reports book. 

Today's session had been the most interesting session in the history of working as a psychotherapist.

Your grammar isn’t too off, and it could easily be fixed with a beta reader, another user willing to read your fic and correct your mistakes. Throughout the actual oneshot it wasn’t too noticeable, though.

The timeline and flow of your story is okay, it’s not like it skips around too much. There was never a moment when I thought to myself, “When in the world did this happen?”

The plot is actually wonderful. It’s great in that it is so relatable to readers of all ages. Finding and expressing our true self is one of the struggles that we all face. Kids and teens fitting in with the cliques at school, adults fitting in with their coworkers and neighbors, we all face these challenges. Going with Taemin in this direction was a great idea. It’s been one of my concerns about how Taemin was going to outgrow his sweet and shy image.

You could have elaborated more on the doctor. Male or female, doesn’t really matter, but I would have like to learn a little more about them. Not to the point where the focus of the story goes from Taemin to the doctor, but enough to show how the doctor reacts to Taemin’s dilemma. An experienced doctor wouldn’t see Taemin’s crisis as to severe, almost expected because of his occupation; whereas a less experienced doctor, like I assume this one is, would have a bigger reaction.

The lack of actual dialogue was a nice change and it probably made the oneshot better than if you had made Taemin and the doctor actual speak back and forth.

So right now you’re at that point where you are just brushing the surface. You are giving Taemin’s emotions, but you are not showing them. Show how Taemin conflicted between listening to his company’s demands and finding his true self. Because it is something so relatable, you need to dive in more. I can picture it right now, a moment where Taemin wants to tease his Hyungs but he’s been told he just needs to smile and look pretty.

All in all, you made a great connection between finding oneself and a chameleon changing color. It was a very smart idea, and that last sentence was a really inspiring ending.

If I had to give this a grade it’d be an A. 

Sone19's "I'm Better!"

Author: Sone19
Link:http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/229982/i-m-better-jonghyun-key-minho-onew-shinee-taemin-minhoxoc

As much as color is pretty, do not change the font color of your text. The change the font itself, and also don’t change the size. More experienced readers and writers hate to see that. It makes them feel like you spent more time decorating your story than you did writing it. I’ve heard complaints of people getting headaches and nausea and also not being able to read text because they’re colorblind, so just try and keep it black.

Now for the photos, you chose good pictures, but they aren’t necessary. The readers know who Minho and Jonghyun are, and it doesn’t matter to know what Alice and her friend look like. Instead of using photos to show their looks, you should take your time to describe them in the fic. It shows off your talent as a writer to be able to make the readers properly imagine the characters.

Do not list the character’s traits like you’ve done in the description. You do this in the actual fic and build up their character. How you include these traits and how you make them important and embellish on them affects the overall quality of your fic. This is once again to highlight your skills as a writer and show that you can create a person and actual show them off in the fic.

All together, I didn’t even read your description or foreword other than that small info at the top. The character profile was pointless and the foreword was too cluttered. When you have multiple persons speaking, separate their speeches, even if it makes the foreword longer, separate them. Remember, the foreword is where you want to prove to the readers that you can do more than produce fangirl babble. It showed the traits of the characters and set up the story, but it wasn’t written well. Clean it up a bit, elaborate more on this defining moment, and it’d be fine.

Topping off of chapter 1, don’t say whose POV it is. It can be Billy Bob Joe’s POV and I don’t want to be told it’s Billy Bob Joe’s. It’s your job as the writer to be able to portray who is narrating without having to point it out directly. That’s the same with flashbacks and location changes, these don’t need to be pointed out, and you need to ease into it for the readers.

For things like a story or a paper for school, unless it is long, always write out the numbers. You have 2 instead of two. Even with time. Other grammatical errors are “sense” instead of “since” and whatnot, these could easily be fixed with some proofreading and editing. Maybe get a beta or just try and catch them yourself. Don’t abuse your punctuation like exclamations, ellipsis (…), and future abuses that might come. Overusing them causes their effectiveness to go down. Especially those ellipsis, they become meaningless instantly when you use them for every pause. Thinking back, I believe a dash (-) is more appropriate. Finally, avoid writing complete words or sentences in all caps when showing someone is yelling. It makes the scene childish. Just use your descriptive words. Alice yelled threateningly across the hall, anger overcoming logic. Something like that.

Onto the characters. Alice is a bully and is super arrogant. She might be better than Minho at sports, but she doesn’t have to flaunt it, so bitch. It might be what makes her really expressive and outgoing, but she needs a reality check, so bitch. Her actions are over the top and unrealistic and it becomes really cheesy to read. You’ve done a good job at expressing her character, but I personally don’t like her and I’d probably want to kick her in the lady parts if I met her in real life.

To make her likable to people like me, you need to expand on her positive points. Go more into how she is protective of her friend, how she doesn’t back down from a challenge (even though it’s a flaw, her acknowledging it could be seen as a positive point), her need to stand up against bullies and social norms. Also, acknowledge her flaws. Her arrogance and her bratty attitude when it comes to Minho, both of these make her real and could later turn into a weakness which makes her all the more real.

You’re very creative with your insults, and they amuse me.

If you had elaborated more on the section in the foreword, the situation in chapter one would have made more sense. So far, it’s a surface level fic. You need to develop things more, creatively include some background information, describe the surroundings and what everyone else is doing, and have some back thoughts. The idea is interesting, but you’re not focusing on it well enough. You’re throwing the story at the readers and just telling them what is happening from one second to the next.

Chapter two: Don’t change color, don’t change font size, don’t change POVs. Don’t use more than one POV per chapter if you are going to change them. It’s annoying to see them switch around. You might not have done this, but many writers tend to repeat things when the POVs change.

Your story if one big comedy, and if that is what you’re aiming for, you’re on the right track. Everything is so completely unrealistic that I can see a lot of people liking it. It’s not to my taste because I don’t like stories that defy common sense, but it has the potential to be popular. Think things through a bit more and I’m sure reality will start to sink in.

Overall, the story is interesting, but you are making all the beginner mistakes.

TL;DR

1. Don’t change the font, color, or POV

2. Don’t use character profiles, elaborate in the fic

3. Don’t exaggerate the scenes too much, portray them realistically

4. Show the readers that you can write well

5. Develop the storyline, it’s a good one

6. Try and write more, even if you have other fics, just update later if needed

Good luck with your fics, and enjoy it while it's fun!

Renzei27's Does That Answer Your Question

Author: Renzei27
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/228180/does-that-answer-your-question-friendship-oneshot-romance-you-exo-lay-yixing

The Oneshot was very interesting, but you haven’t quite nailed what a Oneshot really is. For a short fic like this it’s better to emphasize the goody details rather than have several underdeveloped events. It’s more like you tried to tell a long story in the space of one chapter, and that has you cutting out some important details and keeping unnecessary fillers.

You should have touched more into how she started giving Lay lessons. During the lessons their actual interactions and conversations would have helped display how their affections for each other were going. What came out instead was “There’s this strange kid, he speaks Chinese, I speak Chinese and English, I’ll teach him English. Oh he is impossible to teach, but his habits are kind of cute. This is the second month of me teaching him and I really like his few habits.”

When writing oneshots over a long period of time, I recommend that you choose specific events that you really want to get across to the reader. What you’ve done is mention these events in one or two sentences, cutting off the significance of these moments. The first elaboration I would have liked to seen was during the second week when she asked him where he was always going. That time could have been used to showcase more of his habits in an actual lesson and her frustrations with his inability to learn.

Another part that should have been developed more is how suspicious it is that he is leaving all the time. When it got to the part where he revealed he is an alien, I was certainly surprised, but not in a good way. You can surprise them with introducing a new concept that goes against what they believe, and then you can surprise them with something totally absurd. It was absurd to me that he was an alien because there was nothing previously mentioned that could have led to that conclusion. If you had done a little bit more to make that stand out instead of having the girl dismiss it as if it was trivial, it would have been cleverer to me.

With their relationship, you do a lot of repeating and summarizing. We as readers should be able to read something and understand the consequences of the actions happening. When she got over her need to hog him, you didn’t need to state that, you could have just shown that by her interacting more with his friends, and maybe even joking around about a future English lesson.

If this was longer, maybe split into one or two more chapters, you probably could have used all you had and really nailed it. With this oneshot, you should have focused your fic on one of two things, either their relationship as friends into lovers, or Lay’s alien status and their transition to lovers, not both. It would have worked either way.

 My Scenario: You were tutoring this strange new transferee when you noticed some weird things about him. These abnormal habits grew on you… It came as a shock to you when you saw him healing the plant. This guy promised to be your friend, but now you’re scared.

“Don’t be afraid, I love you.” Kiss.

“Kiss me again for your answer.”

My Scenario 2: You were tutoring this lonely new transferee, dedicating all your time to him in vain, he really struggled with English. He had these quirky habits when he studied, and soon, the constant exposure to these helped your affections grow for him. As his English got better, he became more social and your place as his friend was threatened. To protect your hurt feelings, you started giving him the cold shoulder. Your absence alerted him, and he confronted you.

“Don’t ignore me, you are my everything.” Kiss.

“Kiss me again for your answer.”

It’s very clear that there are two different stories going on at once. It’s not difficult to keep up with, but it isn’t cohesive. By eliminating one of these factors, you could have really expanded more on those important details.

Now the last section is written the best for a oneshot. It perfectly expresses emotions and sensations without emphasizing the story too much, so it makes me feel things. The last section is also the section that honestly does not need to be in the oneshot whatsoever. Nothing would change if you took it out. It’s probably better to leave your readers hanging in this sense instead of giving them every single piece of information.

If the entire fic had been very detailed, then it would have been important to tie up those loose ends, but seeing as how the oneshot is more of an emotional rollercoaster, it’s better to leave that ambiguous ending from their confessions.

To summarize all of this:

1. Try to elaborate more on certain portions of the oneshot instead of summarizing and explaining. Show, don’t tell.
2. Try to focus on one storyline, or work on incorporating them together
3. Oneshots are either information splurges and twists, or they are emotions and short love stories
4. With ‘you’ fics, do not overuse the words ‘you,’ and ‘your,’ and try not to start too many sentences with “you.”

Your story was creative and it seems that you really thought it out. I can see that you tried hard with making sure that you went over all the stops. Readers could use a little push towards thinking, so don’t be so easy on them! Continue writing and you will grow tremendously as a writer.